My pelican friends

The edge of Todos Santos Bay, Ensenada, Baja California

This is the bay we live on. This picture was taken today from the backyard of a house my friend is house sitting. It's on a cliff, very close to the mouth of the bay on the opposite side from Ensenada. We live almost in the center of the U which is the bay. What is that called? The bottom? We look straight out towards the ocean. Her place is beautiful. We sat there this afternoon watching pelicans soaring- but since we were up on the cliff, the pelicans were at eye level- they were amazing! The colors were changing as we watched. The deepest greens slowly changing to lighter coral greens and then back to dark. But I must say, as beautiful as it was, I prefer being closer to the water; we can't see as many dramatic changes in colors- or the cliffs....but I can touch it! I can breathe it in...my silly dogs can run in and splash around.

There were soooo many pelicans out there! In front of our place the land - that's when I call them a pelican convention, but here they flew along the shoreline, then out over the water, then back. I could hear sea lions barking near the tuna rings....probly trying to get to all the bait fish in the rings that the tunas must munch on. Those damn tuna rings- too soon our beautiful bay will be stripped of all its bait fish, then the dolphins and seals and sea lions won't come.....I read it will take at least 50 years for the bay to recover, and by then these rings will have moved on to ruin the ecology of another beautiful bay...

Oh- so today with our dogs & the beach! While I was out visiting my friend, Everardo took the dogs running with him. He runs on the beach and Hazel runs circles around him. Sam trots alongside, stopping to sniff interesting stuff that's come in with the tide. It's funny because he has a bad leg, after a long day he is stiff and sore...limpy. He can't run too far, and can only run really fast for a short time. But he can jog along with Everardo in the sand. Anyway, today as they were running, Poppi passed a seal asleep on the beach - actually he wasn't sure if it was a seal or a sea lion - he didn't actually see it as he went by, but Hazel did. She went up and sniffed the seal's tail and the seal woke up and barked at Hazel. Our Hazel wanted to play. She kept wanting to sniff nose to nose- that what she did last summer with Bob the sea lion- the injured on we found on the beach. That one was so tired, he let Hazel and Sam both come close and didn't shy away. I didn't have my camera then but I swear Hazel and Bob did touch noses. I mean Bob let me stroke him and gently pour water on him those days he recuperated on the beach. And then he was gone. But today, this seal was ok...barked at Hazel and then went back into the water. Hazel followed (of course)....Poppi said it was funny- Hazel followed and the seal kept looking back. He was a little worried that the seal would attack Hazel once in the water, but when it was finally a little deeper, he gave a last look and dove away. So if we lived out on a beautiful cliff, we would miss that.

I wrote yesterday about my health commitment to myself. I felt like since it takes up so much of my time right now, that I should include it in my blog. I kinda wish I didn't....at least the part about how much weight I wanted to lose, how much I have so far...I woke up feeling pressured- and ha ha I did it to myself! It has been private up until now, something I'm doing for myself. Now I have set up an expectation for myself. Well there's only one way to fix this. To say it is still my journey. That I will continue for myself. I may continue to write about it here however not in the same detail I think. I'll say this- I'm still planning to start the zumba class Tuesday morning at 8am- but I don't know where the place is ha ha. Also Everardo is leaving at about 4am Tuesday for Penasco to renew our car & truck registrations so he won't be here. And my goal is actually simply to learn some new steps for my own dancing, to maybe bump up my exercise program for a month or so, and then let it go. Unless of course I find I love leaving the house at 7:45am at least twice a week ha ha. Yeah I doubt that will happen. I like the idea of not fixing things that aren't broken. I like getting up at 7:30 or 7:45, then having coffee and not starting my exercise routine until 9am. I plan to return to that routine in 3 or 4 weeks. I did have an awesome dinner tonite- a huge plate of steamed broccoli, green beans, garlic and a half pound of fresh shrimp. Stuffed me good. I did have my glass of carrots and beets earlier too! The juicer rules!

This past week I've tried halving my ingredients for my protein shake....but I found myself hungry not long after. I'll have to think about it & decide if it's how I want to go forward. The thing is with half the shake I can have other things during the afternoon...well maybe I can do it different on different days, right? So today is day one of month 11.

I can't believe it's Feb 1!! Funny- I looked at my blog for today last year and I was talking about going to zumba on Monday! Well this time it will be just Tue/Thur and in the morning not 6pm in the afternoon. It was when we just moved into this trailer, about Sam & Hazel running all over the beach- so my writing is not that different ha ha. But and this is huge- I wrote about having a migraine and how panic attacks always proceeded them, and about the woman in the pharmacy who gave me the "magic pill" that I could only take a quarter of that cured my headache. I have not had a migraine since I got those pills; a couple of times during 2014 I felt one coming on, I felt a panic attack coming on- there's always something I can smell...a funny taste in my mouth. But they're gone! No more panic attacks equal no more migraines for me! I got a prescription for those pills, and Poppi took one when he got stung by the jellyfish....but the qty 30 they gave me will still last me the rest of my life!

The weather was pretty nice this time last year and if the news is correct we are heading into good weather this week. Yippee if that means the nites will be warmer! ok well that's all for now I think. I'll let you know how early morning group zumba goes- should be interesting after 10 months of dancing alone on the beach- doing whatever I wanted....yeah at the senior stretching class I sort of make up some of the steps to get more out of it...I twirl and jump ha ha! However I suspect the zumba class will kick my ass at first since I have become a believer of the fast & slow exercise concept- to rev up my heart rate for a song or two, then do an easy one to slow my heart back down...then back up....so....vamos a ver, right?
viva

Nayarit...along the free road coming back from our November trip

Nayarit...along the free road coming back from our November trip.

I added the photo above because it's so pretty. I had heard of the Nayarit Riviera before, but didn't understand until we drove thru. Nayarit is a small state on the western coast of Mexico. It is lush and green and beautiful. I think it would be a nice vacation spot- but we only drove thru on the way home from our trip down south.

I'm looking thru my photos and thinking about how I can add them to my blog without being in the past all the time. Mexico has so many faces, so many cultures, different lingo, right? For example the word for dragonfly, up here in Baja is Libelula (not sure of the spelling), but down in Guerrero near Acapulco, it's called Chambuleke. I know this because I love dragonflys and have a couple of dragonfly tattoos - most of the year I'm wearing short sleeves or no sleeves so they get seen, and often commented on ha ha. I do not have "tough guy" tattoos- skulls or things of that nature; rather I have dragonflys, flowers and peace signs. In fact one arm has the word "peace" in English, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, Japanese, and Thai. Different colors and different writing styles, and I have an earth with a peace sign in it. Hmmm I probly have pictures of that, too...but will have to wait until another day when I'm going thru my photos again.

So the English class is AWESOME!! I am so happy with it! Week #2 was just as exciting as week #1. I had less students; only 6 on Monday and 4 on Wednesday, but 2 or 3 students sent a msg with a student who came - one saying they had a sick kid, another was stuck at work. One thing I'm worried about is a family who came on Wednesday of the first week didn't return; the mom and dad and daughter were all students, but they had a small little boy who I said could be there but the class was for the adults. I think maybe I messed up by not being clear they could come and bring him- I mean he was quiet, coloring by himself, and the daughter was only about 9, but she was doing good and I was including her. But I don't know where they live or anything and they didn't show either nite this past week. I really really hope they come back! There are so few students, and the little ones are well behaved that I don't care if they are there. Don't get me wrong, a small class is good, and even when I only had 4, we had fun. In fact on Monday I had 2 students who wanted to learn Spanish!

They were young guys; probly early 20's who rode their bicycles from Wisconsin (I think-somewhere like that), to Baja! Crazy, right? They are staying with and working for the guy who is renting the building and he told them to come to class. One left for Puerto Penasco, Sonora on his bicycle on Wed so I only had the other one on Wed. What was really funny was the Spanish students started asking him to say the lessons in Spanish since they had to do it in English! ha ha. So I was sorta teaching both! I love students who want to learn- and these people want it! We worked on the vowels and how they have 2 sounds (long and short)- I had been thinking of how to present it and ended up printing drawings of things with the long and short vowels...like unicycle and sun, bacon and ham, etc. As I put them up I asked for the word in Spanish then in English...then we talked about them. The class drives itself. We laugh alot!

The zumba teacher, Carmina did not show up this week; she's the one with a sick kid. She teaches zumba at 8am Mon-Fri; last year when we first moved here I went to her class which at the time was at 5pm. It was December- it was cold, the class was outside, and it was on cement. After just 2 or 3 weeks I stopped going. Then I didn't exercise again until I started my commitment on April 1. Her class is the one that now I want to try and go to, maybe just on Tues and Thurs mornings for a few weeks' partly to learn some new steps for my own routine, and partly as an addition to my trying to shake it up a little; my modified eating plan and extra workouts to get off this plateau. 8am is early for me though, which is why I'm only thinking 2 morning a week, and on both those days right now I'm dancing for 30 min, then going to the "stretcher-size" class for an hour. The class is also on Fridays, but I just want to do the zumba twice a week. If I load myself up too much I'll hate it, it will become a hassle, and I start not wanting to do anything. I've been doing this for 10 months straight and it's working for me, so I'm just gonna take it in small chunks. Plus it costs money ha ha.

It only costs 20 pesos a class (which right now is less than $2 USD), but still, the other class is free and my dancing and gym is free. I've mentioned my workouts and change in eating a little here, but not too much. I didn't want my blog to be about weight loss. I've been keeping a journal by hand about it. I call it my commitment to myself. I did all of it alone until the week of Thanksgiving when I added the stretcher size class- it's kind of a class for seniors, I think I'm the youngest by a few years ha ha. That's why I dance for a half hour before I go and try to really push myself to keep my heartbeat up. The class is like 20 min of light cardio, 20 min of light weights and 20 min of floor work. The weights portion is using hand weights, and I started using just 1 pounders to stretch out my muscles since I do heavier weights on Mon and Wed. I was doing the heavier weights M-W-F, but I've been doing the class T-Th-F..... I made a year commitment to myself for exercise and to change my eating habits. I call it eating habits because if I say a diet- then I'm telling myself this is not a permanent change. And I want it to be a permanent change! No more ice cream every nite, no more sugar snacking. So I chose 2 days a week to be "official weigh" days and commited to journaling about it. I weigh on Tues and Friday. It should probly be just once a week, but ha ha I'm too obsessed for that. I write at least on those 2 days. I write about how I feel, how I've done exercise and food-wise. In the beginning I had to really pay attention carefully to my choices. Now it's much more of a habit, just the way I eat. I don't really crave too much crap...if I don't eat chocolate or sugary snacks, I don't crave them...but I swear I'm a junk food addict ha ha.

I tell this story in Alcoholics Anonymous that any time I think I could have just one drink, all I have to do is think about oreo cookies. Sorry if I already told it in my blog before but I'll tell it now. I have to buy oreo cookies in the small package- the one that just has 6 cookies in it, like you get a 7-11 or any quick stop store. The reason is I will eat them all. If I buy a regular size package - I will still eat all of them. Maybe I'll just eat 3 or 4 or even 6 today, maybe tomorrow the same. But by tomorrow nite I will be thinking about those cookies. I'll probly wake up during the nite thinking about those oreos sitting in my cupboard. By day 3, I will eat all of them. They might make me sick, but I will keep eating them, I can't help myself. So I know with alcohol it would be the same - but worse.

I am happy to say I have not had an oreo cookie since March 31, 2014. ha ha. It's really cookies in general that I need to let go of, but oreos are my favorite, one of my comfort foods and the one I would obsess over; I stopped eating them and told myself I could have some when I really really wanted one, but I just haven't; like I said I'm pretty much staying away from chocolate (and things coated in sugar).

Tomorrow I start month 11. During month 12 my plan is to make a new commitment to myself. I have lost 40 pounds as of a couple of days ago. My goal was to lose 60 pounds in a year- this is not going to happen, but I'm ok with it- like I said I plan to recommit to another year of exercise and to my new eating lifestyle. A huge part of the reason I made this commitment to myself is health. I knew in 2014 I would come to the end of 5 years of post breast cancer medication and it scared me. I take these pills (Arimidex) for 5 years and then I'm done. So....these pills will keep cancer from coming back...and then I stop taking it? Yeah, scared me. I even wrote to my oncologist, who explained that the studies showed 5 years was the right amount of time to take the medication, and after that the risks outweighed the benefits. So I started reading everything about recurrence of cancer and every single article- every single one- said being overweight was a factor. So I decided to do something about it. I'm feeling pretty good now- I'm a size 12-14 depending on what I'm wearing...but I know I know- that's still too heavy. 40 pounds is good- I'm proud of myself. But 60 was and is my goal. And who knows, maybe another 10-20 after that.

I'm lucky, I have some gum equipment available to me. I call the place a gym, but that's using the term loosely ha ha! It's an abandoned house about 6 or 8 houses down from us. There's this old equipment in there on the second story; the stairs are on the outside. The first time I went up there, I said "no way!! This place is gross I'm not exercising in here," and went home. The next day Everardo walked down there with me, took a look, and said- are you crazy? You can use this stuff! I went home and thought about it...and a couple of days later went back down. The owners if the camp gave me a key to it- I think I'm the only person who ever goes there ha ha. Ok well I took some pictures of the place and will post them here:

 The place is sooo beat up. Oh I should have taken a picture of the front side; the people painted it green and it looks pretty nice- but they just painted that one side because it faces the road ha ha. This is the side I go in. And those stairs...yeah every day I go I am super careful because the wood is rotting and old! If you look at the 3rd picture from the top, I piled up those weights there because the machine (it's a bow-flex) is not bolted down so when you pull down on the weights the whole thing swings towards you ha ha.The floor is a disgusting carpet, really dirty, but I never take my shoes off or touch the floor for any reason, so I guess I don't care. So I use the bow-flex and the bench you see in the second picture for leg lifts. There's a pull up thing in the corner...you can also do a type of leg lift that works your stomach...and so far I cannot do a pull up..it kills my elbow....The second to last shot is like a little eliptical- and see how it's put together with little ropes? ha ha but it works. I don't use it because Everardo put my eliptical in our spare bedroom so I use it at home. But maybe the most important thing is........THE VIEW! See the beach out the windows? And when I use the bow-flex I look out the rusty door and see the ocean! One day I saw dolphins swimming and playing, I've seen seals and/or sea lions and many occasions....I have music playing, I brought down a wall clock to measure minutes between weight reps....I look out to the beach which is almost always bare...maybe a person or two out walking with their dogs.

My dogs come with me every time.Sam, the lab, stays down under the stairs, and Hazel runs all over the place; down to the beach and back, in to check on me...then back out. I don't even see the rusty door anymore, or the dirty floor. I do my thing, less than an hour, and head for the beach for 50 minutes of zumba dancing. It's free, my doggies get their exercise, I watch the water, the pelicans, fishing boats....yeah it's a pretty good deal. So my exercise program is a pretty big part of my life, which is why I decided to start talking about it here.

Anyway......Carmina, the young lady who is now one of my students and teaches the zumba class told me I could come for free- I know she said it because the English class is free, and we also talked in class about the zumba class. I was initally excited since I've been thinking about adding it to my routine for a few weeks (to push myself and also to learn some new steps), but I have decided I need to pay her. My class was never going to be for money; her's is her business. I know she started it last year when I went in the evening and she just had 5 or 8 people. I heard she has closer to 20 now, but she is very young- maybe 19 or 20, has a daughter (at least one) has another job, and is trying to do this zumba class in the morning and come to my class. I need to be paying- I think I can afford 40 pesos a week (since I only plan to go twice a week). I also think I'll probly not do it for too long! I usually get up around 7:30 and drink my coffee and watch the news, then start my exercise routine at 9am....so this is really early for me ha ha. I really hope she comes back to English class on Monday- she sent word that she planned on it...

So- I had a good week. Hit 40 pounds, getting in the groove with the class, still going to meditation every other Wed in the afternoon....yeah my life is pretty good. I'm also going to try and start writing every day or at least every other day here. I read that a successful blog has entries ever day, and that photos are a good idea. Someone made a very nice comment just today; that they like my writing style and following my adventures. So I'll end this with a picture of my dogs who you will start seeing more of...

So this is a photo of the walking path on the other side of our place (beach on one side, estuary on the other) and a photo of my dinner- low cal but you can't go wrong with fresh caught shrimp and veggies from a roadside stand....jealous of me yet?? :)

Viva!

Started English class for Spanish speakers this week

Well my class was AWESOME!! If the students were half as happy as me, they also thought it was awesome! It started Monday nite, and then nite 2 was Wednesday. The class is at 5:30pm to 7pm (an hour and a half) because some people work, unlike where I taught in Puerto Penasco where virtually everyone in the area was out of work, and the class was to help with English skills in order to find jobs on the other side of town where the tourists went- the hotels and restaurants, curio stands, etc. I think maybe half of my students this week had jobs, maybe less. I had only 5 students on Monday, but 11 on Wednesday, and everybody said they were coming back on Monday. Actually 5 was the perfect number for the first nite- I was nervous, and so were the students ha ha. But when they came back Wednesday they were much more comfortable, which was good for the new additions. I also expect to get a few more, then after that if it's anything like Penasco, a few more will come, then a couple will stop coming, in and out, with a core group that always comes. It's more women than men, also the same as before....but maybe more will come once they see they are not the only ones. Both men in this class know at least a few words in English, but come in contact with English speakers and want to learn more.

This is so cool to be able to add photos of my class! Anyway... it seems like an hour and a half is the right length for class- in fact at first (meaning right now) it's almost too long. There's just SO much information...and so many questions. The first nite I had a helper, a young woman who is going to be the office manager in this building, and she is biligual and helped me out alot. But nite #2 she was not there and that was ok as well. I told the students that my Spanish will get better as their English gets better. That at first I will try to speak Spanish with them, but slowly I will stop and do the class in English-AND they will understand! The most important thing is practice. They have to practice at home and we will do the same things over and over. So soon they will know- "ok-who knows....." and "ok who would like to go first?" ha ha ha ha! I like to review whatever we worked on previously and then add something new. And if I have a basic idea of an outline or lesson plan, well then the class really leads itself. We get onto a topic via somebody's question and it can be the evening's subject. Our first nite was days of the week, the 5 W's and the "bag". The bag is 10 items, like a coffee cup, a pair of sunglasses, a candle, a fork, etc., that I take out one by one and we identify them. Then we practice the words when all the pieces are lined up on the table. Finally I put them back one at a time and say "bye bye coffee cup, bye bye candle" and I told them we say "bye bye" because this stuff is comin' back! Until everybody remembers their names...then I'll put in some new stuff. The second nite I had a woman, Lupita- and she could name almost everything! The 5 W's are Who where what when and why. Then we built a little story around them. I ask and choose someone and it gets pretty funny- and will be funnier as they get the confidence to try new words.

I do have printed lessons from a book that I got for learning Spanish; it has a page of words, then a page with a paragraph, then a page with questions. I will probly introduce that in a couple of weeks, after we do some more stuff like I, you, he, she, it, we, they (personal pronouns). But I do not label words as nouns, pronouns, etc...This is not a formal class. I just give them the list, we talk about it, and for some things, my answer is "I don't know" which they also like. I told them alot of things they just have to memorize, to practice. One of the items in the bag is a knife. Uh oh- why does it start with a "k" and we don't hear it? Spanish is not like that- in Spanish you pronounce all the letters- I like that! And the truth is I don't know why we have crazy words with silent letters...

Anyway both nites we had fun. The class is lively. I make lots of mistakes in Spanish and they correct me. I encourage them to help each other with English. For the first time in months I had trouble sleeping though- I was so excited about the class I was busy forming lesson plans in my head and couldn't fall asleep after Monday's class and that lasted all week! I've decided what to do on Monday so hopefully tonite I will sleep!

The building is rented by a guy who is wrapped up in several projects and I have a feeling now that he is back in town I may have to take down the posters I have on the wall in between classes. The books in the bookshelf are for sale I think, and I guess the place is also part art gallery. He has a non profit that is supporting/trying to save a forest up in the hills above us; he has projects like making a campground up there, walking tours and education about the area, planting trees. He keeps an office there in the front - the opposite side from me. I know he came back to Mexico this week but I haven't seen him. He was probly there during the day this week, well hopefully I'll be able to touch base with him next week. I want to be sure I am not out of line taping up my posters over his stuff ha ha!

The building is right along the main street in this tiny town called Cantu. It is the only paved road- actually it's the main road and goes out to the Bufadora. Dirt roads going up the hill have the homes of the people who live there...

Only 20-30 minutes south of Ensenada, Punta Banda and La Bufadora offer an ideal side trip and family excursion. After following Highway 1 through the "lower" section of the town of Maneadero, turn west at BCN23, the signed junction to "La Bufadora" (the Blowhole). The 14-mile, two-lane paved highway winds through fertile farmlands and scenic countryside as it leads onto the Punta Banda peninsula that forms the southern end of Todos Santos Bay. Roadside stands feature cured olives, honey, iced coconuts, firewood, seasonal fruits and vegetables, and delicious homemade tamales. Open during the summer, there are several recreation parks with pools, play areas and picnic grounds that cater to families.

The tiny poblado of Esteban Cantu serves as the local business district with small grocery stores, eateries, auto repair and tire shops, hardware and building supply stores. Just past the poblado is the turnoff to the Punta Estero "sand spit" with unspoiled beaches and the currently defunct Baja Beach Resort. 

Hmm well I was trying to google and find some info about population of Cantu and only found this tourity thing. I like how it says small grocery stores....I wouldn't call them that! Tiny "abborotes" that are like tiny 7-11's (or here in Mexico OXXO) But these are not as big as Oxxo. Tiny stores that have cold drinks, munchy food...like a store at a campground, you know? The closest grocery store is in Maneadero...about 10 minutes away- but the first store is a Calimax and it's where all the Americans shop so it's the most expensive grocery store on earth ha ha!! We only stop there for emergency things...we shop in Ensenada for groceries. Ok I can't find anything more about Cantu, but it's about the size of Playa Ventura, so maybe 1000 people? Not counting Americans I mean. My point was going to be that the building holding my classroom is pretty close to everyone. I only saw one group of 3 show up in a car, a couple on bicycles, and the rest by foot. 

So I am hoping that the students were sincere in saying they will be back and that the class moves forward. I will report here on my progress and what the class is like. As I said, I's just so excited about it! Oh and I forgot to mention- I pay no rent for my classroom and the tables you see in the photos were lent to me by a neighbor who had a restaurant in the area but closed it a few months ago. Across the street from class is a building called Open Air Fair and they open just on Friday and Saturday. It looks like an open restaurant; there are tables and chairs...but it's local people, expats who cook at home and then bring food in the morning for breakfast and lunch and sell it on Fridays & Saturdays. I walked over there last weekend when I was straightening up the classroom area and wondering what I would do for tables- I had posted in the local newsletter asking anyone for donations and gotten zero response...anyway I looked at the people sitting over there across the street, and walked over to talk. 3 old ladies (ha ha but they had to be 100 years old each!) were sitting at a small makeshift bar smoking cigarettes and at least one was drinking beer (I think it was noon) and one is named Baja Mama- well that was the name of her restaurant- I asked her- where do you guys get these tables? Then I told them what I was doing across the street- starting a free class to learn English, and well Baja Mama is an angel! She said ok I am not giving these to you- I'm loaning them to you 'cause I might be opening another restaurant someday...but take those 2 tables against the wall- and take the chairs as well! Ha! I gave her a big hug and a loud kiss on the cheek! I hadn't even see the really long table that was standing up against the wall! The other one was set up but she said unused for anything. The chairs are those white plastic beach chairs but she had put these blue bandana things on them and said oh just leave those. I had purchased blue plastic table clothes on a whim the week before when I was in the states, at the dollar store- so it all went together perfect! Can you believe how wonderful that all was, coming together like that?? Ain't life wonderful?? Viva!

Letting go of the first place we lived in Mexico...& photos...and something new

I can't believe I didn't realize how to post pictures to my blog from the beginning! I'm sure it would have brought it all to life much better than my meager words, but it is what it is, right? So I thought I'd go back a little and post some pictures of our house down south in Guerrero. It's about a 2 hour drive south of Acapulco, along the coast. When we visited a couple of months ago, it took a little longer because the road had been washed out- and been that way for months. We're hoping this will be the year we sell it; ha ha I went to a New Year's special ceremony where we wrote down what we want to manifest in 2015 and mine was to sell this house! Well not ha ha maybe. I wrote some other stuff as well because that felt so materialistic....

If we sell that house, then we are open for other options. It does not mean as soon as we sell we'll go back to the United States. It does mean however, if we wanted to, we could. Right now, to go back means we have to work- probably full time. If we wait a few years, I'll turn 62 and can collect my social security as well as the rent we get from the Calif house...in that case, we would again have options; maybe just one of us working, maybe both of us part time, maybe neither of us depending on where we move to. Selling the Mexico house gives us more financial options. I like options. I also realize I have to figure out how to get that money back into the U.S without paying taxes on it again. I already paid taxes on it when I first earned it, so why should I pay again? Nobody asked me anything when I took the money out of the bank and sent it to Mexico to buy the house, but if we just move it back...well you know- the tax man will want to be involved. I say screw that! So I have some reading/research to do to understand our options around that. Even if we stay in Mexico we want to move most of the money from the house sale back to the states- I think anyway. Yeah glad I wrote this because I need to do some homework.Ok here's some photos, then more discussion:

Ok so there's a bunch of pictures of where we lived. You can't see the heat...the fact that we didn't care that we didn't have hot water. That when it rains you don't mind because it still doesn't get cold...and now the road is paved so mud does not flow down your driveway to the patio! Oh man our first week in that house, after driving at least 12 hours a day for a week to get there, and the tail end of a hurricane hits...mud is pouring down the driveway and Everardo is up on the road shoveling like a mad man trying to dig a ditch so the mud and rain will run off down the side of the road and not into our yard. Luckily it just came down to the patio - which was our dining room. The kitchen was separated from the rest of the house by the patio, and that's where the table was.

Oh but right thru that gate to the beach, our beach...see those rocks? That's my rock, my place I sat for hours on end, watching the waves, talking to the universe, enhancing my spirituality, asking for guidance. I could sit there for hours- the ocean was so amazing there- how the waves hit the rocks, watching little crabs crawl around the rocks below me. Ok actually the ocean is amazing everywhere, but I sit mesmerized at the beach outside this house as well. It's different of course; this is a bay, so no big waves crashing, but seals and dolphins playing, the pelican conventions...hmmm pictures of that next post ok?

Yeah so when we sell, I like to have options. I'd like to take a trip- not an expensive trip...but somewhere maybe that Everardo has never been....He says he has no great desire to travel, but maybe it's because he hasn't had the opportunity. I think I posted once about his cousin who has the timeshare for 4 weeks a year to go anywhere! Anywhere! In the world! And she's never gone! They've had for like 15 years..I told her we should go, we need to go, we MUST go somewhere! He husband was laughing and said yeah let's! So maybe something with them. If we only had to pay airfare and food...well ok everything but lodging....I'd love to go somewhere I've never been but am happy to let them choose. I think she said somewhere in South America like Venezuela maybe- yep I'm up for that- never been anywhere in South America. Oh! I need to email my old Spanish teacher- he would tell me these stories in Spanish and one was about these people that lived on a lake high in some mountains...but I forget which country. The people actually live on the lake, in these canoes and I just remember being amazed. Some day I really want to go to Italy, in Rome I think, to see the Bridge of the Last Sigh. I just love that!

From Wikipedia:
The Bridge of Sighs (Italian: Ponte dei Sospiri) is a bridge located in Venice, northern Italy. The enclosed bridge is made of white limestone and has windows with stone bars. It passes over the Rio di Palazzo and connects the New Prison (Prigioni Nuove) to the interrogation rooms in the Doge's Palace. It was designed by Antonio Contino (whose uncle Antonio da Ponte had designed the Rialto Bridge) and was built in 1600.
The view from the Bridge of Sighs was the last view of Venice that convicts saw before their imprisonment. The bridge name, given by Lord Byron in the 19th century, comes from the suggestion that prisoners would sigh at their final view of beautiful Venice through the window before being taken down to their cells.

But I will be happy to let them choose where we would go on a trip. And even if it's just me and Poppi, I want him to choose. But like I said, that's just a small adventure, and the more I think about South America...hmmmmm

Options. Sell the house and stop taking money from the rent we collect every month. Stay in Mexico, maybe even stay in this little trailer. Ha ha glad Everardo never reads this! Our rent is sooo cheap here, $250 U.S. a month and we don't pay garbage or water. And we're right on the beach. Honestly I wouldn't mind paying a little more and having a nicer place. One without old faucets in the bathrooms that even steel wool can't get the sediment off of.....ok don't let me get started down this road right now. But having a little more income would help. Last week Everardo left on Monday morning for Puerto Penasco to register the car & truck. Here you don't just get new stickers every year- they give you new license plates- weird eh? In the states you just get a sticker with the month and year on it and then to renew you get new stickers every year. In Mexico, you get new license plates every year! Crazy eh? It's about a 7-8 hour drive and about half way, the car's engine blew. Goner. He had to pay a tow truck 2500 pesos to get it towed back here- actually that was a very good price....our mechanic here took a look, shook his head and said there's no hope. Arrgghh. Poppi thought he was going to have to go to Mexicali (about 4 hours away) to find a motor for a good price in a junkyard, but ended up finding one in Ensenada. The guy wanted about 10, 000 pesos for it and Everardo said no way I was already heading for Mexicali where I can get one for half that- and then the guy it to him for that much! Yippee. The point of this sad story is, it's always something. That money was for new license plates and to pay the property tax for the house down south. We simply cannot get ahead. So we had to pull more $$ from the states to cover. And April will be here in a blink of an eye and we'll have to pay property tax for the Calif house. So yeah, selling the Playa Ventura house is something that would be very good for us.

We got the gov't deed we needed and that will make it much easier to sell when the time comes. So options would be nice. Everardo is also thinking about renting a small space, whether a stall or a building or simply a spot, to sell his jewelry. The longer we're here the more informed any decision around that can be. The truth is living in the states is to be near my daughter Drew. I miss her so much. I do talk to her alot, at least a couple of times a week...I so love being a part of her and her family's life. But I want to hug her. I want us to be laughing around the dinner table. But I love it here, too. I can hardly wait for her to visit us here. To sit where I sit and watch the water, the pelicans, the sunsets, the clouds, our silly dogs romping...to see a coyote run across the road by the estuary, Hazel chasing a rabbit. She'll know why I love it here. Third time was a charm in this case. Playa Ventura was a great adventure but I didn't want to stay there in the tropics. Puerto Penasco was great for Everardo selling his wares, for me finding out I can teach.....but the weather killed me there as well- don't wanna live in the desert....here the weather is just right-hmmm does that make me Golidlocks? ha ha. I know I have another daughter, but we seemed to have slipped back to not much of a relationship. So in all honesty I don't miss her as much. I didn't see her when she lived 10 minutes away from me from age 13-19. We rarely talk now...just like this time last year ha ha. I have to let her go. To be here when and if she wants a relationship, but I found myself calling and calling with no answer, sending msg after msg and being ignored...not gonna do that again. It hurts me too much. I have to accept that right now she is busy with her own life. She's 21, hopefully when she gets a little older we can find each other. It's basically the same with Everardo's daughter. He was so excited when she contacted him...but he never hears from her either. So that is not a good reason to go back. So all in all, we want to go back to be in Drew's life, more than we are now...but I think we can wait- or at least not rush. We are not that far, and once she visits she will see how easy it is to visit.
So- options. Hopefully the house will sell this year. But I'm starting something new on Monday and very excited about it! Teaching English to adults, hopefully much like in Puerto Penasco. Today I kinda fixed up my classroom and will take some photos and post them here. A friend's daughter and her boyfriend have given me space in a small building they rented and I do not have to pay for it. This afternoon a wonderful lady lent me 2 long tables and some chairs! Yesterday I went with friends to the states and at the dollar store I got a couple of table cloths- in anticipation & lucky I was right! I also bought some posters with colors and shapes, long and short vowel sounds, etc that I put on the walls...it's all coming together! I made a flyer and took it to the ejido and they put it in their window. I don't know if I'm more worried that nobody will come or too many will come!!

I know I can do this. I was good at it in Penasco. This weekend I'll make some copies of some of the handouts I made from before...I'm going to have classes on Monday and Wed for an hour and a half in the late afternoon- different than Penasco where so many people had no jobs so we did it right after lunch. Here people have jobs, but in many cases shitty paying jobs and if they learn some English they can get something better, or maybe just make more where they are. I suspect I'll have more women than men because a few have asked me about it when I was out and about- at the consignment store and today while I was fixing up the room. The location is perfect. Right on the little main road. And maybe I'll get as many men; maybe they are working and so the start time (5:30pm) is just right.
Oh and it's free. Ok well I'll write more about this maybe tomorrow, or on Tuesday after my first class. Oooh maybe I'll have pictures of my first class- gotta find the camera! Ok viva!

The farm laborers camp experience

Yesterday I went with a group of people of whom I knew one, up in the hills near where I live, to a farm laborers camp to bring a party to the kids. Sounds nice, right? Hmmm. I will describe the group I was with in another post; I want this one to be just about the camp. We left the main road and followed a dirt road along the road for a minute and then twisted away and headed up into the hills. Luckily after the horrendous cold we've been having it was almost warm; I was wearing levis, a teeshirt and a red checked flannel. I took it off for about 5 minutes at one point but then slipped it back on. I think we got up there around 12:30, so I guess it was the warmest art of the day. I thought there was going to be around 100 people but I think there were maybe 100 women- maybe a few more, and closer to 200 kids, but hardly any men. At first I only saw one man, a very old man, but later saw only 4 or 5 men, and except for one of them, they did not come over near us or participate in any way. I had heard that they were working half day, and so had expected to see more men, but I did not. I also think that the people actually made up 2 camps and maybe some outlying buildings because I saw some kids lugging their loot over a small hill and saw some buildings (read shacks) in the distance. To use the word "camp" in my mind brings up images of something quite different than what I saw. The people were Indians, and most if not all were from Oaxaca. I wonder if they thought this was where they were going when they left the very southern mainland state of Oaxaca to come up here to northern Baja.

There were long cement buildings, 2 of them, meeting at one corner. Not too long, with walls maybe 10 feet high with side wall to separate but each space was maybe only 6 feet wide...but maybe 10 feet deep- I didn't see how far back they went. There was a couple of feet in, then a wood door of sorts, actually I saw at least one real door, but mostly planks. I heard some housed 20 people. So maybe 4 or 5 boxes on each side.

(Oh my God! That's the first time I ever inserted a photo in my blog! Aha! Now that I know how to do it I will....all the time)

Anyway there was no running water, no hot water, no electricity. The only cars you see came with us. There was water - just none inside. There is a low cement block off to the right of this photo where I saw women getting water, and washing clothes.

We were bringing a party to the kids. I don't know why or how they were chosen- I was just asked to help distribute things to some people in need so I said yes. We brought several "3 Kings cakes" and tons of juice boxes. We brought pinatas. We brought clothes and toys. We brought 50 lb bags of rice. We brought kid's mittens and knit hats.

They had a ball with the pinatas! We divided up smaller kids from bigger ones so we had 2 pinatas going at once. After that we handed out cake and juice- kids first then adults. The 3 kings cakes have a tiny doll in them (a baby Jesus I think). If you get the doll, then the significance is you will make the next party. Because my first job when we got there was to cut the cakes in as small pieces as we could, I saw that each cake had 3 or 4 or 5 dolls in it. They are made in a big ring, like a sticky coffee cake. Very doughy, some with fruit on top. I was amazed that there ended up being enough for everyone (hmmm little miracle maybe?). After the food a couple of activities went on. I was behind one van- the one with toys. We had girls in one line and boys in another...they were all very excited, and there seemed to be enough age appropriate toys to go around...some toys were little, some newer than others but we got them all handed out with just a little chaos. At another spot loads and loads of clothes came out in bags for the women to go thru. Not as many blankets as I would have like to see, but lots of jackets and sweaters and long pants. Oh I forgot- right before the food was the hats and mittens give away. I got to help with that as well. People were very happy to get those! They looked just like the ones I just bought for myself- I think they came from the same place, who had an after Christmas sale. It was all........well it was a good thing to do. I admit that at one point I had to take a little walk...I could not hold back tears and didn't want anyone to see me crying. These people were very proud and very humble at the same time. Bigger kids watched littler ones, adults were respected.
But it was hard. I had been complaining about being cold in the last week- those people would have thought my house was a luxury suite. I saw a tiny little girl, 2 or 3 yrs old, walking with her new pink mittens on and no shoes. Scraggly hair and a runny nose. She clutched tight to both the new toy she received and the cake she hadn't yet eaten. Near the end of our time there, women were lined up using anything they could find for a bag to get rice. Kids now were in little groups playing with new treasures, and men remained out of sight. My heart broke 100 times. My heart soared 99 at smiles, at hope, at laughter.
These people work 7 days a week. The kids don't go to school...I heard some because they have no birth certificates, many don't speak Spanish- they speak and Indian dialect. If a teacher is brought up in the hills to teach- well that takes them away from the work, which means less food for their tables. This is an organic farm that supply Trader Joe's in the U.S., and I think some other stores but I don't know which ones. Trader Joe's is very popular and famous for it's organic produce. Does anyone know the conditions in which it is grown? We always here about sweat shops in Asia or the far East....try Mexico people. If this farm does not supply what Trader Joe's wants they will simply go to another farm willing to do the work. It's a problem for everyone. What are the answers? I don't know. But I do know that something is wrong here.

Did these people come from Oaxaca to work on a farm, in complete poverty, no sanitation, ect? Were they coming north to try to go to the states? Were they simply looking for work anywhere- in Mexico? I know that the more agricultural states in Mexico have workers from southern states during the harvests. In Baja at least, something is always being grown. I don't know if it's the same in other states like Sinaloa which is a  huge agriculture state. Do they have dreams for more? What about the kids I saw that were in their teen years? What do they have to look forward to? Do they have dreams of something better? I also saw girls that looked about 14 with babies in their arms or in slings on their backs. I do think that one thing Mexico really really needs is birth control! Because I see young girls with babies everywhere. Not just in the poorer areas. I see such young parents, who have to work, so the grandparents bring up the kids...it's an interesting concept. I don't want to say I think it's just wrong- I am not the judge of this. Family is certainly important...gradparents living with their family is not such a bad thing...in the states we tend to pack them off to the old folks home. Ha ha in my case we had my mom move in with us for a few months- but she was not happy about it and I was not thrilled either! But luckily for her she could afford to go into a nearby assisted living place where she remained active- captain of the shuffleboard team and the residents board...but I think she was an exception. Anyway like I said- I am not the judge- I am just observing.

So it was a hard day, a beautiful day, a tragic day, an uplifting day...although by the end I was in despair and didn't have alot of hope for the future. As people we spend alot on war....but not too much on each other....

The "not the Z road" road & other things

Last week I was feeling kinda down, in a funk, but not this week. I exercised every day, went to the free exercise class the 2 days they had it, and decided to add in a second  workout with my elliptical. I did that twice...exhausting. But I will do 3 days next week, 20 minutes...and so on. Some days I do my morning workout and then not much physically the rest of the day ha ha. Being on my laptop, reading a book, utilizing the hammock (big ha ha), talking to a friend....not too physical, right? Oh before I get too far off the subject...I think that at least part of the reason for my "off" mood, was that I did not exercise and I did not stick to my new way of eating. I ate crap- stuff I haven't eaten in literally months....candy and treats...they were everywhere. And they've been everywhere for weeks- since about Halloween I think, maybe since always...but I had been making other choices- and feeling better for it. So I threw myself off. Then probably was mad at myself instead of just giving myself a break. Oh and then I acted selfishly with my husband, felt guilty and so mad at myself....yeah nice cycle right? And I did not go to any AA meetings either. Ha ha way to sabotage myself! The AA meetings are so great- I don't know what I'd do without them! I talk about how I feel. I listen to other people talk about how they feel. I hear about solutions. I remind myself or get reminded what kind of a life I want to lead. That's the cool thing about those steps- admit I am in control of nothing, realize I am not alone in my problems, my fears, my addictions, ect, decided to become a part of things. Take a hard look at myself, inside and out, decide what I want to let go of, and what I want to take with me going forward...and then try to do that, hopefully with some self respect and respect for others. I'm so lucky I have found a group to share in. Well and I share here as well. Sometimes I do figure things out in the middle of writing about them. I forget that this is actually a public forum....but then I can see my stats and see that there are a couple of people reading this. I love that somebody in Russia, somebody in China, Thailand, Germany, Ukraine reads this. Are they reading about a nutty American women in Mexico? Do I even write about Mexico anymore? I have been in Baja now over a year and it simply feels like my life...not some new place. And I change the subject in the middle of a paragraph ha ha. Like now. I started this wanting to just say I got over my funky bad mood of last week. That maybe not taking care of myself, physically and spiritually, was at least part of the problem.

So what was the title of this post about? The Z road. After a year I finally know what the Z road is. It is the part of the spit road that I live on that is paved. And if you follow it from the main road it does sort of form a "Z". But some years ago it was changed- part of it was blocked off so it doesn't resemble the curves of a Z anymore so I never got it. Now it comes straight down from the main road, unpaved, and then meets up with the paved portion. I do not know why they changed it, maybe for access to 2 camps that are up at that end close to the main road. Because of the weather, the rain, the unpaved portion is a disaster right now. I have always just called this the Spit road. Lots of people call it that, but it also gets called the Z road and the Not Z road. Well, on the facebook page for this area it is being discussed because it's such a mess. Potholes and lumps, huge puddles; there was even a pipe sticking up at a place near a big puddle that people were hitting and damaging rims and getting flat tires trying to avoid the hole (puddle). So someone posted the history of the road. How part of the Z got blocked off and the unpaved portion created. To do that, it crossed the estuary, which I did not know and they put in something like 17 feet deep of fill. Aha! So that's why it gets so messed up when it rains. 17 feet of fill? It was going to cost something like $70,000 USD to fix it right, which the gov't was not going to pay, so it got fixed like a band aid. Half ass. And it never got paved. Even the portion that is paved, when it rains pieces of it comes up, then this homeless guy goes around and fills the holes with dirt! Oh and a couple of months ago a couple of guys were filling the holes on the paved portion with cement- not asphalt....weird eh? The homeless guy, Jessie has made himself a little camp along the road- I think he's been there a couple of years at least, but the guy who owns the land where he was must have kicked him out because he moved across the road to the estuary side, which is federally owned. I always thought he probly dug the holes he fills, since he always puts a basket out asking for tips. Some days he's just so drunk he's laying on the side of the road...or lounging in some broken piece of furniture he dragged up like he's a king enjoying his kingdom. But now I realize he doesn't need to make the holes, at least in winter- the rain will do it. Hmmm but maybe he does it in summer.....I don't like him too much because last summer he was trying to charge these kids selling vegetables to come down the road. That pissed me off. These are young kids, maybe early teens dragging around baskets of fresh veges to sell in the hot sun. I've given them a ride before, and he's a jerk doing that. Otherwise I don't care too much- but I don't give him any money. It's so funny, I see some people writing about him on the fb page or in the email bulletin board and saying the poor man, or how they want to give him a birthday party and stuff...have they seen him drinking and stumbling around at 8am???

Anyway a guy who lives in a camp past us has a nice car and is trying to figure out how to get the road fixed. Actually there are quite a few nice cars out here, mostly in the camp part ours, a gated community where alot of people own their places vs alot of the camps people just rent. If they want to fix the road- yipee....but we are not contributing to the cause. Come fix our place first, then we might consider it ha ha. Trying to get things fixed is like pulling teeth. However that being said- Everardo is a good networker....he has made friends with the guy who manages the maintenance in this camp, and we got a new (new to us anyway) hot water heater in one day this week AND it worked right after it was installed! I had come home from exercising on the beach and was soaking wet with sweat while it's sooo cold outside and so needed to get right into a hot shower, and found out they were just taking ours out! It worked, it was just leaking. If only he had waited a half hour for me to finish- I was mad. I said- this is Mexico, this is camp 3!!! It's not gonna work the first time...and then....it did! Crap I had to apologize. Now I am very excited because he might get us new faucets in both bathrooms! In one you can't use the hot, and both are so corroded they look gross. I am ready to pay for it ourselves, but up to now we keep saying we are just renters- we are not paying to fix anything up in this old place. But this is month 12 in this trailer.....maybe we do live here...right? I would be very happy with new faucets.....

I finished putting away Christmas today; started yesterday. I always love putting it all out, but I also love it once it's all put away. We also got a tank for our space heater yesterday. Yipee. And it was a loan from Luis- the maintenance guy! We looked at the segundas the day before, but of course there are none, and had decided to buy a new one, but when Everardo went over to pay the rent he saw Luis and he hooked us up! He did say it was only a loan, to return it when we get one, and it was also full of propane. It's a 14 litre tank, bigger than the one we used in Penasco so we'll see how long it lasts. This week was just so cold. I tried using only blankets no sheets on the bed, but I still woke up shivering, breathing in the cold air hurt my nose....I got some mittens because my hands are cold all the time. (19 pesos...so about $1.05USD) and finally agreed to try sleeping in the living room on the couch which Everardo said was warmer than the bed. It's true the couch is warmer. Now we are really like camping ha ha- well in a cabin in the cold woods. Us and the dogs all sleeping together. But it's just too cold in here. If you take a shower in the morning (like after exercise) the towel is not dry the next day. My bones were aching. But we started using it yesterday and what a difference!! I am sooo happy- we don't have it on high, I am sitting on the couch and wearing sweat pants and a thermal shirt...but not wrapped in a blanket or anything. About an hour before sleep we'll crank it up to high, and then turn it all the way off. We shut the doors to the bedrooms, and last nite....well I slept like a baby....ahhhhh The weather is supposed to change starting tomorrow and warm up some, but I can only see out about a week, and sadly heard the freezing weather will be back....But Everardo thinks Luis will not ask for the tank back- and if he does we can always buy one. I'm glad for the better weather next week because Poppi is going over to Penasco to renew our license plates on Monday and might not make it back until Tuesday or even Wed depending on how it goes. Lonely and cold sucks so lonely and warm will be better for me and the doggies ha ha. It's much cheaper to simply renew the registration over there than to move it to Baja, however I think for my driver's license I'll just go ahead and renew it here. That's kinda fun- I have one from Guerrero and Sonora, and now I'll get one from BC. In Guerrero I paid 200 pesos I think, they took my picture and printed & laminated me a license on the spot. In Sonora it was weird, they tried to get more money from us and Everardo argued with them so they said I had to talk to the police chief. Ha ha he did not know why I was there, asked me how I liked Penasco, signed my paper and we left back to the lic place. They grudgingly gave me a license- oh and we had to supply the picture. Here I hear you have to take a written test but not driving...but it's in Spanish so you can have help.....so funny isn't it?

I'm waiting for my Calif license to come back. I had to send it to the social security office to get a new SS card to show to Covered Calif for Obamacare! They made the mistake and then I had to prove it's my SS number. So this is why they asked me to prove I am a legal citizen if the United States last summer....they had my SS # wrong. But SS said I had to send them my passport, not a copy but I said no way- I'm in Mexico so they said ok- your driver's license. Ha ha all this crazy paperwork. So now my renter sent it to our friend Tim who just moved back to Calif from here and is coming down in a couple of weeks. We collected his mail here for him and he'll bring ours when he comes. Kaiser changed whoever was doing their billing which was GREAT because they noticed I overpaid by 2 months- which I said way back in April, but had to keep paying, so I got credited for Dec & Jan. Oh and my premium went down $20 which is nice since I only go to the doctor once a year, right? I could get out of having insurance but chose to keep it. Oh don't get me started though- it's still such a big ripoff!!! The insurance companies are still raping people!!! I pay less but the gov't pays the rest. And the premium is WAY WAY higher than what I was paying before Obamacare. And the gov't is paying most of my premium!! I am eligible for it- I didn't manipulate it or anything, it's based on income, marital status, etc. They helped me sign up last year - but I still think it's messed up!! How do the same drugs cost pennies in Mexico? Seeing a doctor here is just a few dollars, procedures the same. In the United States it's just so bad, I thought Obamacare would be a good thing, and thought well it's not perfect but it's a start- but now it seems like it's not- not a start- the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies are still stealing us all blind!! Why does the gov't agree to do this??? Uh oh this is the naive me! I guess I know the answer, right? Whoops got carried away.
So tomorrow is the day I get to try to help distribute blankets and clothes....I will write about it. I hope the people we are trying to help had a way to stay warm this week...shit and I was complaining about being cold......ok well I think this is it for now. As always ....viva!

Humble pie anyone?

Last few days I had been in kind of a funk. I thought I was going to call this post "what the hell am I doing" ha ha but today changed it. We had this loveseat couch that is in very good shape, but jst too short, and a couple of weeks ago finally went down to the segundas and got a regular length couch, so this loveseat has been sitting outside on the porch. And I just hate inside furniture outside. Just one of those things ya know- a pet peeve.....Everardo kept saying he was going to take it down to the end of the spit road and sell it on the weekend, or at least put it in the shed, but it sat on the porch. It got rainy so he put a tarp over it, which was better ha ha. Ok so there's that. Then because it's so cold at nite we moved our bed away from under the window and against an inside wall. Well for about a foot from the wall out, there's no carpet and no flooring- just wood, like planks of wood- looked horrible and now I'm seeing it every day, when before the bed and the nightstand, etc covered it so I could ignore it. Now I see it all the time. Did I mention it's sooo cold in here at nite? I wear a hooded sweatshirt to bed and have lots of blankets. Our faucets are- well not rusty...I guess it's more like corroded...the metal has this white stuff on it that a brillo pad will not take off. It's on the 2 bathroom sinks. I hate that too. It's all the things I hated when I didn't want to move in here...but got used to I guess. But I am the type, when one thing goes wrong, I see everything as bad. I knew I was missing my daughters more because of Christmas, but I still missed them. Then my resentments around my younger daughter- I think I already wrote about the decorations she left at my ex husbands that to me were special and meant to be special for the family she will form. Then Everardo's daughter came to visit! She was going to her mother's family in Mexicali, but she wanted to meet her dad so she came to see us. That was wonderful. Except of course I anx'ted over the condition of our home and wanted it to be nicer.....He was also nervous.

He got to meet his grandson, who is a doll. A smart funny adorable kid. 9 years old. His mom was very nice as well, but of course it was a little weird, like having a guest you don't know very well, but in a very small environment so we were all together all the time. I tried to give them some time, and also tried to spend time with Oz, his grandson so Everardo and his daughter could get to know each other. They arrived about 10 at nite on Monday before Christmas and left late afternoon Christmas Eve. On Monday we went to Ensenada to get presents as well as immigration to find out about her getting dual citizenship. We didn't know what time they'd arrive and were nervous all day. Of course it all went fine...but not perfectly....of course. I know my husband wanted it to be perfect, wanted....well it was his child..and his grandchild. Nothing bad happened...just all the emotions that he went thru, and me as well, wanting him to be happy, etc. She's 30 years old after all. After they left he had alot of emotions. Some he didn't tell me about at first. He was filled with love, guilt, happiness, sadness, did I say guilt? I said the wrong things in some cases...some things I said he had already said himself, but when I said them he got mad. I am not as detailed here as I usually am because this is about his child and his life, and not sure what I should say or not say. So I guess I will try to just talk about my feelings. I should have kept some of my opinions to myself. I should have let him talk and talk and feel and think without offering advice or opinions. I could have been better. We are ok now...but yesterday we had an arguement and I left for a couple of hours. I took a drive and sat in the truck on a cliff overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours. I did some talking to the universe, I actually went thru all the store receipts I had in my purse for the budget we try to keep so we can see what we're doing...I even tried to read for a few minutes after I wasn't mad anymore.

We have come a long way as far as arguments go. We don't have too many these days, and now when we do, one of us usually takes a walk or a drive to give ourselves space for a little while, then later we can talk. But this time I let myself become overwhelmed. What am I doing in Mexico? I am in control of nothing. I don't pay the bills, I don't argue with the cable company or the telephone company when things go wrong. I am not as independent in many ways as I used to be. But actually in other ways I am!  I live in another country and figure out what I need and what I can get along without...which is alot ha ha! I am struggling with my weight loss...or lack of this month, I am not fluent in Spanish...and frustrated with trying to find a way or a place to be in service...even though now I've talked to a guy who says he can fix me up to teach English, and I found the women's rehab, but haven't been able to connect with anyone there yet either. So I think- what am I doing? I miss my daughters...so I got into a funk. I started thinking about going back to northern Calif. I even looked at Craigslist for jobs and rentals! But really? Working full time again???aarrgghh I don't want to do that! And rents are high, not to mention everything that goes with it....car insurance, electric bills, (which here both are soooo cheap). Dogs on leashes ha ha. Ok so all this is jus what I let into my head at once....a tempest in a teapot. I make myself miserable.  I feel guilty not living closer to my older daughter. I feel guilty that I don't miss the younger one as much- then that's a whole other story about feeling guilty that she chose not to be in my life while she was a teenager- should I have forced her? I believe that as she gets a little older we will have a relationship as close as with the older one, but is that really true? Am I jealous of her father? Yeah a little but what could I have done to compete with him? I did what I thought was right- and I still think was right...hmmm so why do I feel guilty if I think I was right? ha ha ha ha see what a mess I make in my head! I am so grateful for the relationship with Drewy my older one or I might think I am insane. ok ok enough!!

So this afternoon a couple of things happened. Everardo put a long strip of carpet over that exposed wood under the window in the bedroom. Wow small thing making a huge difference. Then the big thing happened. We took the loveseat that was on the porch and put it in the truck to give it away. We drove to the next town, went into an area we knew was struggling - I mean really struggling- and drove out this dirt road that got worse as we drove. The houses got smaller, some just shacks, and we saw this couple with a baby walking down the road. We gave them a ride home, which was really far, and gave them the couch. The road in some places was barely passable...I know in the rain impossible to get thru. Luckily we were in the truck and still bouncing around in the ruts. I saw a woman washing her dishes outside, and another family cooking outside. These people have no heat. I'm betting they have no hot water. They do not live near the beach. This was inland from us, then out in between some hills, some places on the hillsides, a couple of roads we were on I was actually kinda scared we'd slide off the road. But every day life was going on. Kids were playing outside, people were talking or hanging up laundry or cooking....I don't think they ever even had any of the choices I was thinking about....like where to live, where to work, carpeting....should I walk on the beach or by the estuary....I was so...humbled. I know all this. I've been living in Mexico more than 2 years. I know there are places like this in the US- maybe not as many...and maybe not the quiet desperation or resignation....(it pisses me off in the states because there's no good reason for people going hungry beyond greed and politics). But here in Mexico- there's just so much of it, and maybe I forgot, or maybe I am so self centered I stopped thinking about others. But maybe I will give myself a break because I am also doing the best I can....family dynamics like long lost children, my messed up relationship with my own daughter, the mess I made of the relationship with my ex who is my kid's father...see I am rambling because I am still mixed up- about everything. But this I know:

But this I know: I am so grateful for my life. For my little trailer on the beach, for my puppy dogs, for my amazing husband, for my daughters, for his daughters, for my big sister and brother and their spouses...even for my younger sister- who we don't speak to each other and right now she can bite me- but I'm sure it's a lesson for another day ha ha. Bottom line is I am still not sure about my decision to keep living here because of how much I miss my older daughter and being part of her family's life. But really- that's the only thing. Everything else is just birds in the air. I have a beautiful life. Yep it's cold...in EVERYBODY's house. I am blessed with warm blankets. Soon it will be warm again and I will not need anything besides my flip flops and tshirts...

I have a problem with the grass being greener on the other side. And honestly- the grass is perfect right here under my feet. I need to stick to my own plans. I made a year health commitment to myself which ends March 31. That has to do with the way I eat and exercise. Stick to it. We have a house in southern Mexico we are trying to sell and just came up with a new plan about that- give it some time. Let go of having to be fluent...maybe I will and maybe I won't. Go back and follow up on the leads I have for teaching and volunteering. I  joined the meditation group and the study of a particular book- finish it. Put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe I should go back to making a gratitude list every day. I am feeling much better. Partly from this writing. Partly from something else that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, but I am pretty anonymous here and nobody around here reads this. There was another reason for our drive to the next town this afternoon. Last week we bought some hooded jackets for kids...just a few, 5 of them. I told my daughters, and Everardo's daughter up north, oh and our renters, that instead of sending them Christmas gifts we would be giving a kid a warm jacket in their names. They all liked the idea very much. Well I wrapped them and then we didn't give them away until today. After we gave away the couch we were way out in the hills, and on the way back in we saw a woman washing dishes on the side of her house and we asked if she had any kids. Her husband came out with a little girl about 3 years old and we gave her a gift bag with a jacket in it. We asked them if they knew other families with little kids and they pointed. We said Feliz Navidad...and off we went. We found another family with 2 kids in the yard, we handed the bags and left, then another single child, then a yard with 2. The kids were all very excited to get a gift bad with candy canes hanging on them and garland wrapped around them...the parents smiled and we just said Feliz Navidad and drove away before they looked inside. Now on the way over there, something happened under the truck and the muffler got messed up so the truck was loud and covered in mud, so we fit in pretty good ha ha, and so when we stopped and handed out a bag, it was received with surprise so that was pretty cool. Ok honestly- IT WAS AWESOME!! We did not stick around and talk to anyone...we didn't want that, we just wanted to help in some small way...but actually I wish we woulda had 100 jackets and not just 5. Maybe next year. Maybe we when see stuff on sale thoughout the year we can collect it.

Of course there are groups who do this stuff here, they ask for donations and I am sure they help alot of people. We just didn't want to be part of something publicized...and Everardo thought that they probably went to the same places every year...maybe not- but we just decided to do something on our own. Now next Sunday I am invited by a woman I am getting to know who I like and respect, to help hand out winter supplies...I think like blankets in another area close to where we were today. I don't know who she's doing it with or how it works, but she said they needed help distributing the stuff. So I thanked her for asking me and I will go with her. I'll be sure and write about what happened afterwards.

Lastly I want to say the other thing that helps me feel better whenever I get "lost" is asking the universe for guidance. Now I know I've written about this before. Because way back when we first got to Mexico and I was feeling so isolated, so lost down south, I started asking for guidance and I started to feel better. When I put it out to the universe, praying I guess, I always feel better. I know the answers will come if I can be quiet and listen, if I stop trying to force myself to "know" what to do next. When I stop trying to control everything. I have been praying for a couple of days now, asking the universe to guide my path. I know I will be ok. 

So our Christmas was quiet. I got a nice warm bathrobe and a really soft thick blanket for watching tv or sitting here on my laptop. I gave him some shorts (brrrr) and some running shoes. The shoes are too small so I need to go back to the states to exchange them, and today I found someone who goes all the time! So I may get to go sometime and soon. Yipee cause I know he wants to start exercising at the start of the new year...and I want to buy some shoes for me. Since moving to Mexico my feet have gotten bigger- well at least wider, because I only wear flipflops almost year round, and tennis shoes for exercise, so all the shoes I brought with me are too tight. Crossing the border here sucks- which is really a shame since over in Penasco it takes about 3 minutes to cross and I never even thought about it here. But it's so crazy I am intimidated by it. I have crossed 3 times, twice for the airport and once for the shopping spree where I bought his shoes...and it's been different all 3 times. Once at Tecate which is easier, but you have to have a car because it's kinda nowhere, once walking in Tijuana and once driving in Tijuana and both of those were so chaotic. So many people. So to find someone who goes all the time and who is happy to go...well yipee. So maybe today was my lucky day after all....got humbled when I needed it, found a ride to the states, and have started to feel the relief that comes with asking for guidance. Well it's Sunday nite and tomorrow back to my exercise/eating regiment (which I kinda blew off this week for the first time since I started in April) and remembering our plans. I think if I talk to the universe every day, exercise, eat right, and am grateful...I will leave 2014 in very good shape...physically, mentally and spiritually...and really, what else could I possibly ask for? Viva!