It's Saturday morning, and I am doing nothing. The sun is out and I have the door open for fresh air to come in. Yeah I'll get flies, but soon we'll break down and get a screen door for this spot. We have 2 doors, the "front" door is at one end of the house, in the kitchen, and then there's another door that opens into the little living room. The house is long rather than square, and I like this extra door cause like I said it lets in fresh air, and light. The kitchen door sort of looks to the street, and so would be noisy, and this one just looks into our little yard. Everardo left an hour ago to go down to the malecon; he really isn't making shit for money down there- the "season" starts this month- yeah I can't believe it's March! But he's trying to get something going. I know he doesn't want to just sit at home, and he has done a very good job with his "honey do" list ha ha- the house is paonted, the roof is fixed, the doorknob got added to the weird door at the back of the dining room- that leads to a weird hallway and a room we made into an exercise room. He put up all my pictures and the maps- it sucks for me cause the damn walls are concrete blocks- I can't just put nails in, he has to drill. Not only do I hate having to ask for everything I want done, but I have to decide how I want it, and then stick with it since drilling is involved ha ha. I have my world map and a map of Mexico up in the dining room on the one huge wall- the US map I haven't decided what to do with. Might put it up in the exercise room....

So I had a nice cup of coffee, and I'm not dressed. Been reading for about an hour and then decided to check my email and FB, mostly because of my nutty landlord. I guess I hope she never reads my blog- cause I just gotta write about this...so she gave in at the end of Jan and emailed us telling me to go ahead and paint. Well our little house belongs to her mother and the tiny "bungalow" across the little yard belongs to her. It's really small, no oven, hot plate stove, tiny bedooms with curtain for doors..it's kinda cute I guess for one person, for a vacation. (But we just lived somewhere for 6 months with no oven, and even tho' I'm just starting to cook- I need an oven). Anyway when we moved in, the price was right, and the little yard was good for Sam, the street is pretty quiet, and right off a main street, so it was "acceptable". But the inside was pretty gross. It was dirty, she hadn't cleaned at all after the previous tenants moved out. And the "furnished" furniture she left was disgusting. We second hand shopped, altho' we are using the mattress- ugh- but we put a sleeping bag on it, then a blanket on top of that. And the matress frame sits on concrete blocks- actually kinda funny. And the curtain rods in the couple windows that had rod- they're STICKS! Like from outside ha ha. And the curtains were old sheets. Sp pretty pathetic right? Anyway I told her we wanted to paint- that we would do it but she had to pay for the paint, and she said no, that her mom didn't want to spend the money right now, and I said well I'll ask you again in a month or two. I knew that either we would just pay for it ourselves, or move somewhere else cause it looked so shabby and bad. Anyway she moved out of her bungalow 2 weeks after we moved in and went to Phoenix. She had someone come to clean her place, and Everardo was talking to them and he said something about we were looking at another place cause this one was too dirty and she was too cheap to pay for paint....
The next day was when I got the email telling me she talked to her mother again and that mom said it was ok to paint ha ha!!! Guess she wanted us to stay.

Anyway- we started painting in Jan, but didn't finish until mid Feb, and we did not paint the bedrooms; just kitchen, living, dining rooms and the short hallway. The difference is fantastic. It's like a home and I'm so happy. But....ha ha...of course now I want to paint my bedroom. And the landlord asked if we painted the bedrooms (there's 2 not counting the exercise area which none of that secret hallway & room is painted) and I said, no, did you read my email and look at the photos? So she said well I left a can of paint you could use. ha ha ha ha ha ha "a can of paint"...These walls, with the dark dirt colors she had, have taken 3 coats each! So one can of paint, and by the way- it's a can of...wait for it.....brown paint, is not enough to paint anything, and I wouldn't use that color of mud brown anyway...Ok so- with the expenses from Jan- fixing the roof, a broken water pipe outside the kitchen and somehing else...she ended up owing us money..but she wanted at least $100, so we carried over about $75 into Feb. Then we bought paint, paid her water bill for the bungalow, and re-imbursed her renter (3 months in the bungalow) for something...and now our expenses were $277! Our rent is only $200! So she tells me she still wants $100, so would we pls carry the expenses again. At first I say, ok. I give her all the receipts, and write out the expenses. Then 2 days ago she says she wants me to put he money in her Mexican acct. Oh let me say this- we pay her mom in the states- I transfer the money from our account in Calif to her mom in Arizona, and it's in US dollars. So she wants me to put the money in her Mexican acct- so I still say, ok. But it's going to be in pesos, cause we don't use dollars here. Then she writes again and asking me to use this certain exchange bank where you get a better rate....uh I thought I said I'd pay in pesos here.....

Then she writes again, and tells me she needs $150 in her Mexican bank right away, so would I please pay the rent early, before March, and use this exchange bank. I tell her, do you remember we agreed I'd pay $100 a month until the expenses are paid back? I mean this is a little crazy right? Oh and during this she has also asked me to pay Tina's electric and water (the renter), and then asked me NOT to pay for her, but pls ask her for the receipts. I starting to wonder if she drinks ha ha. Ok- I say, how about this. I will pay $150 today (this is a couple of days ago), but we will not pay any rent for April and in May the final $20 something wil be taken off. Now I know this sounds REALLY confusing- CAUSE IT IS!! But I wrote it out carefully for her, listing the amounts and receipts. She REPLIES...and says ok Terry, don't worry about paying rent for March, and we'll finish it in April. Ok yipee!! Fixed. So I go about my day...now  we're up to yesterday- my rent isn't due until the 5th and we're good. I look at my email in the afternoon- and.....she says thank you so much for your help, you can pay $200 less the $77 in April, and pls put $150 in my Mexican account today, here's the account number!!!!!!! MY GOD THIS WOMAN IS NUTS!!!!! I don't want to move, we painted and put things where we like them, Sam likes it here; he's a great watchdog. But this woman is a nutcase.

Ok- SO- I sent her an email last nite. I told her that I have no idea what it is she wants, but here is what I am going to do. I am not paying rent in March. In April we will pay $122.74 and we will be even. I will not pay any bills for the renter. I have not received a reply.

It's as weird as the lease we never signed. I wanted month to month but she insisted on 6 months.  First she gives me one for a broker and a landlord and was surprised when I wouldn't sign it. Then she gave me one in Spanish, which I also wouldn't sign- that was the day she moved and was in this big hurry. She was quite surprised I wouldn't sign something I couldn't read....so she emailed me one from Phoenix to sign, it was already filled out with someone else's name, wrong dates and wrong address. Ha ha and it went on to talk about the pristine condition of the house and how we would leave it pristine when we moved out. ha ha ha ha I had already shown her holes in the walls, termites areas where you could push thru the door frames, etc, and I took pictures. So I sure the hell wasn't gonna sign it either. So I write to her and tell her it's completely wrong and she says her computer doesn't work that good. Did I mention this woman is a REAL ESTATE AGENT?? Yeah and I just saw a pig fly over the moon! So I tell her that I'll fix it up and she agrees. So I import it, revise it, add somethings about the condition of the house and the furnishings, and send it to her to review. Of course we didn't sign it at that point; I expected her to review and approve or revise....but she never mentions it again. I don't know if she thinks I signed it and she just saved it on her computer? Or did she ever open it? Or what???? So basically we can move whenever we want- except we did pay one month rent as a security deposit. So ha ha we could stay a couple of months to use our expense and our deposit...and move.

Ok- we don't really want to move. And my darling husband- he painted the house in Calif before we moved, he painted the house in Playa Ventura, and now he painted this one.....so if we move???? He might have to kill me! The point is, that I'm comfortable with whatever happens, cause we can choose to do whatever we want, and that first house I didn't like...well it's still there....and that house has a great yard. Wow guess I needed to get that out! I think I'll get dressed and go down the art in the park at the Shrimp Park. My friends have a booth selling jewelry, so I'll probly take Sam down and hang out in the sun for awhile with them....

Today was awesome. Spanish lessons in the morning and English class in the afternoon. The Spanish lesson was hard; it was about possesive adjectives and pronouns. El suyo, La mia,.....concepts I never thought about before. It's funny I wanted conversational, but the truth is that I have a harder time understanding than talking- so maybe this is exactly what I need. I wrote down everything she put on the board and my classmate Charlie (Carlos) writes down nothing. He's gotta be at least 15 years older than me, but can remember everything. I have always been they type that, if I hear it and see it, then write it down and refer to it, I have a chance of remembering it ha ha. I know now that it's the little building blocks that are going to pull it together for me. It was a good class. She said we are going to have another couple join us, but I guess I'm not sure when. Carlos has been with her a few months but was saying something about only 3 weeks in any month cause they're always going somewhere. My plan is to stick with this...for a year,  or more, whatever it takes.

So I came home and had a couple of ideas of what to teach for English based on what she did with us this morning. Well class was amazing! Funny I made 6 copies of a couple of different things to use for conversation; one was "I am"...then I listed happy, sad, mad, cold, angry, hot, etc. Then added "Today I am -happy-, but yesterday I was....mad" and had each person say it but choose different words from the list. So we talked about present and past. I also had some words using long and short vowels- which is hard to explain since there's no such thing in Spanish. Each letter has one sound. Yeah- I'm thinking right now that this weekend I'll try making some lists for each vowel. The pages I copied from this book did that, but not in a logical order, so altho they were good for pronunciation, they were a little confusing. Especially for "e" and "i" since "i" is pronounced "e" in Spanish! And of course some is hard for me to explain since I don't know too much Spanish ha ha. BUt they help me. And we have a good laugh. I had made 6 copies of everything cause on Tuesday I had 6 women. Today I had 8 women and 2 men! Now one man, Ruben speaks some English, and he likes to help so that's good. The other man, Andrees, helps at the center with the kids so he's always jumping up to take care of something. So we have a good laugh at his expense when he sits down and it's his turn to speak, but he missed the instruction. All the laides have fun and laugh alot. They range from Dora who can only be about 16 to Berta who might be in her 40's or 50's. So many students! And the time flew by...it's supposed to be 1:30 to 2:30, but I kept having to make more copies and people coming in so we went until 3, then someone mentioned I had no watch ha ha! Ooh maybe next week or the next week can try something else- bring paper plates and plastic silverware and set the table. Identify everything and talk about what we have for breakfast lunch and dinner....hmmm good idea?

Oh, and afterwards I stopped in the office and asked Mark what he thought- he's Karen's husband (the director) and he had dropped in. He said he thought it was great, and that when I'm not there they ask for me! I said I needed a bigger whiteboard, and they have a huge one on the wall in the office, so he said he'd move it into the classroom. Very cool- cause I'm always erasing things and writing sideways ha ha. You know- I need to make lists of words for different things...clothes....family members, food, bathroom stuff...what else? I should also spend some time looking at all the materials they have there at the center. I was told a couple of times they have books, worksheets, I don;t what else, but since I wasn't sure what I was doing I never looked. But now I think maybe seeing things will give me ideas. Ha ha do I seem worked up over this? Cause I am! These people want to learn, so I am contributing!! Yippee that's what I wanted, and I have been totally questioning myself.

Ok now for the next thing. I have to figure out how to make pesto. Can you make it? I mean what does it come from? I bought these cheese ravioli shells and I don't like tomato sauce. I do have some cheese sauce I bought in Arizona, but I wanted to do pesto. I bought some peas & mushrooms to add to it, but I have zero idea about where pesto comes from ah ha. A pesto bush? I stood in the aisle at the store looking at spices and had zero idea. ZERO ha ha. So anyway as soon as I stop writing here I'm gonna google it. Wow am I changing or what ha ha! Poppi is napping on the couch...I think I'll have instant oatmeal for dinner cause I'm hungry and he's not only not hungry, he's sleepy. He was gonna make us these taquito things- pork fried with avocado and cheese on flour tortillas, but he was only doing it for me. Oatmeal sounds pretty yummy to me right now. Yeah the pasta thing is for tomorrow and I plan to do it all while he is not here. I'm also gonna make a cake in a heart shaped pan...awww. I wanted to do it for Valentine's Day but it didn't work out.....ok google time..

So this morning after an AA meeting I drove down by the beach near where my new Spanish lessons are. I was looking for a place to take Sam to the beach that's easy to get to, and maybe I could sit and read a book while he plays around. I didn't bring him cause when we get near the beach he starts to shiver, quiver with anticipation and I wasn't sure what I was gonna find. The first place I went to was basciallt straight up the road from the meeting, and I drove up, parked and walked out to the shore. But the first thing I nocitced was more broken glass than I have ever seen in one place. I mean it has to be years of broken beer bottles, wine bottles, tequila, whatever. I mean near the sidewalk lots of whole bottles and bug pieces, but as I walked out towards the beach the pieces just got smaller. Ok forget that spot- I just can't walk Sam out that way.

So I walked out and took a look anyway, and actually there was lots of these black rocks. Not sure why all the rocks on the shores are black- volcanic maybe? It would be hard to for San to pick his way thru down to the water...but the glass thing... I went back to the car and kept driving, slowly and saw a few places where I could go down. Oh- and at the second place- well it was the RV park so I drove down there just to see what the beach looked like. OMG and I mean OH MY GOD...there were these 2 women, who had to be at least 1000 years old- or maybe it was just too much sun, but they were in lounge chairs, chatting, and they were so dark, this weird color of brown, in fact I had to takeoff my sun glasses to look at them cause I thought maybe I was not seeing clearly. Almost like muddy chocolate or something...but oh so old and wrinkly to be in these bikinis....ugh. I mean I'm all for being whomever you want to be, but oh god oh god. It was just weird. I sound awful right now- I mean these ladies were kicking back, chatting,  in their own trailer park, not hurting anybody, and I was the intruder....I don't know...it was just....Everardo pls drown me when you see me like that ok??

Ok so I continued on down the road and found a couple of places I can park and walk down to the beach, and not too far of a walk either. Maybe in a few months these spots will be everybody's best spots, but for now there were just a few people on the beach. But it as an interesting drive in other ways. Puerto Penasco is an odd place. I wish I would have seen it back before the economy crashed. Everardo was here, it was humming. Lots of construction, tons of people, a regular party town. But now there are so many unfinished buildings, unfinished hotels, condos, gated communities. It's kinda sad in some ways. I mean did all the people from the states just stop coming and spenidng? Or do they just come and rent now? I guess I'll see starting next month. BUt what about the people who live here? And there's 2 types; the Americans and the Mexican local. When things were booming did everybody work? Was there enough to go around for everybody? How do they feel about their ghost town now? Or is this just the quiet time before the tourists start showing up? Do the finished places fill up? And what's the significance of the "home port" renovation? The cruise ship stop is 2 years out but apparently the work is about to start. Lots of infrastructure; paving roads, building roads, street lights, more shopping? Will the condos get finished? The hotels? There's also a huge convention center being built. When I read the Rocky Point Times on line I always see all these events coming up; fun BUt do all these events benefit the locals? They must, right? It will be interesting to see how things change, or maybe how they are but I am just unaware.

In Playa Ventura I kept waiting to see things that never materialized. Yeah we left 3 weeks before the big 2 weeks they have tourists, but I heard it was not huge. And nothing new gets built or renovated in anticipation, altho I did hear that there was going to be a cell tower built so cell phones would work- ha ha now that's progress. But this town is much much bigger than Playa Ventura and I understand that I don't really know anything, yet. So I am trying to be open, to be aware. I think my Spanish lessons will be fun, and who knows who else I will meet. I am going to go to one more dinner for Uncommon Women; it's on March 12, just 2 or 3 weeks from now- gonna give it one more chance. As much as I thought they were all pompus windbags, I know that I am judgng them all when a few are probly quite sincere. I want to talk to the women who works with the orphanage. I know I've written about this before, and yet I've made no move to seek then out. I talked to this great couple today, they have this tiny store that brings things from Phoenix (I think Phoenix), anyway they have sharp cheddar cheese, and rye bread...they are Mexican and speak English.

The husband, Carlos told me today he used to live in Santa Rosa! 10 miles north of where our house is in Calif! We talked about the area and the redwood trees. He explained the term "tree hugger" to Michele, his wife and we talked about how they smell. They have alot of Americans come to their little store and she said I was very different than most of them. It's sad how the Americans earn that title of "Ugly American", arrogantly living here, not wanting to learn the language, any customs, eat the food or even associate with the Mexicans. They are simply here cause it's cheap. It's not all of them, but this couple sees alot of them because of their business. We chatted and laughed for more than half an hour. We talked about how separate people keep themselves, like events for Americans and events for the locals. She liked that I live in el centro, not down at the beach, and when I started to say I went to the Uncommon women dinner- ha ha she started laughing. We talked about the name of the group is so cool Uncommon Women on Common Ground, but that they are awful! She said she went once and that was enough. She did say that she thinks there are some women who do care about the community and want to make this a better place...but we both laughed and agreed that mostly...they were talking about their latest cruise and their hair and their money. But Michele and Carlos like it here; they've lived here 9 years- thought about moving but they like it here, that they feel their kids are safe. I asked if they had thought about moving somewhere else in Mexico or to the US- Michele said 'we would NEVER move back to the US! Ha ha when she and her Mom went to England for vacation, they took someone's advice and used their Mexican passports instead of their US passports and said they were treated much better than their friends who used the US id's ha ha.

I love the US, I love my country, and I am proud to be an American, but I am also sorry to the world that so many of my people are so greedy, power mongering, war loving, and filled with such a sense of entitlement. Hell- if we are the best country in the world, then we should have our hands out to help others up, not beat them up and take what they got. Love can change the world. Random acts of kindness can change the world. Empathy, understanding, sharing, caring, these things can all change the world. I will always hold out hope that our gov't will get their collective heads out of their asses, cause we can always change. Starting now...ok how about now? ok now? There are so many good people wit good ideas and good hearts. Let us shine!

wow that was a tangent eh? Maybe some readers hate me now. But oh well not like too many people read this blog anyway. I always look at my little stats, and wonder who is reading it. I see some people from Germany read it- is it my brother and sister in law? That would be cool. I may be divorced from their brother, but they are still my family, and I still love them. I have a beautiful niece, in fact I think I have another niece and nephew who are also in Germany....with a nut for a mother, don't care what she thinks of me, but I still love her kids. My darling hubby- our family just keeps growing doesn't it?

I want to be a good person, I want to be on a spiritual path, I want to contribute to this life in a positive way. For now, I am simply musing about life around me....so let's see, tomorrow is class #2, and I have a new batch of women at the center wanting to speak a little English...ok great spirit- help me to be in service tomorrow. nite all

ok today was pretty cool. Went to my first Spanish lesson from 9-11am. Only one other guy was there plus the teacher, altho she says we'll have 2 more on Thursday. We did some pronoun stuff, and altho the first stuff was pretty straightforward, the seocnd part was harder and I'll have to study tomorrow- the tuyos and suyos got to me. Carlos, the other guy, seemed to get stuck in the same places as me, so that was good. I think I'm really going to like this. I am feeling very motivated. Then after class I went home and threw the ball for Sam out in the street in front of the house until he got tired.

Then after a sandwich I went out to the center. I sat around for a while, starting to feel useless, and then suddenly I had 5 women to teach- yipee. We started with only 2, so I thought shopping would be a good topic, and then I got a couple of more, then another. One knows some English, and I used my "5 W's" to see who wanted to go shopping and what to buy. Then we did an exercise about working, and everybody laughed when we gave Berta lots of choices about why she works, at first it was cause she needs money, then wants money, then cause she likes her boss! I realize I need to have them say the words out loud more, when I did that one by one, everyone tried very hard, and I have to remember that the vowels have different sounds, so words like "does" and "lives" need practice.

Maybe tomorrow I should...study the Spanish I have for my class, then come up with some exercises for the women for their class. hey good idea, Tue Thu is classes, and Wed can be study & prepare day. Anyway today felt good. I also did laundry and came up with a special dinner for Everardo who I knew would be pooped out from day 2 of working down at the malecon, which I know entails alot of standing around...which would exhuast me! Funny thing- yesterday we both showed up with a chicken and fixin's from the same style place- so I changed it for today. You can buy a chicken which has been grilled, then they chop it up some (and I mean with a machete) and give you tortillas, onions, lime and sauce on the side. I think it's called Sinaloa chicken. It's really good, but yeaterday we just tore it and ate it with tortillas, so today I cut it up in tiny pieces, added onions garlic tomoatoes and some Itailian pasta sauce and let it simmer. I also made mashed potatoes- cause I love them, and then Poppi surprised me by coming home early and skipping his meeting which is from 5-6:30. But it was all simmering on the stove. I actually ate the 2 drunsticks while I was making it cause I don't like tomatoes or even red pasta sauce so I knew I didn;t want any of it- but man it looked great if I do say so myself. However- ha ha- he was so tired that he hasn't eaten yet, it's on the stove covered, and he's snoring next to me on the couch. I'll give him and hour and then he's gotta wake up or he won't be able to sleep tonite- and- Sam is out of food...he had dinner but he gonna be a hungry baby boy in the morning.

Well all my cooking talk is huge for me cause I don't cook. Never really enjoyed it. I mean even if you make something great- then you have to clean it all up and so it tales the fun out of it. But I will have to say in the last year or 2 I have been cooking more. I'm best at pasta which is good cause I like it! And I'm pretty good at pork as well, which is juicy and easier to cook than chicken...btu give me time, give me time.

Well it's been a good day, and Poppi has woken up and wants to eat.....

Woke up this morning after sleeping the entire nite!! Yipee! Yeah I still have a bit of a cough, don't know how long it will hang in, but enough already. I got up, took a shower, got dressed, put on makeup, and went to my meeting, which I hadn't been to in a week. Felt good. The isolation was starting to set in, and yesterday again I had to push it down, those feelings. I was looking at pictures from Petaluma (Calif) and I wanted to go home. I saw my nice green law, green bushes, and well this cold dry non green desert was just suffocating me yesterday.

So after the meeting I followed my friend Pam and she showed me where Playa del Oro RV park is; that's where I start my Spanish lessons tomorrow! Another yipee. Tue and Thur 9-11am, so 2 hours twice a week. Originally I had wanted to hook up with Karen and Mark who wanted 1 hour, 3 days a week, 8:30-9:30 a. MWF, but they haven't gotten it together, and truthfully, after I thought about it- 9-11 is better for me. I can still get up as late as 8am, have breakfast, go to class, and then out to the center after that- so hopefully after class I will have opportunity for practice. I have completely fallen off exercise, but I can get back on that as well. Maybe MWF I get up for eliptical and a meetings, and on T TH I either don;t exercise, or can do it in the afternoon. I seem to get home from the center around 3 to 3:30, and well, I'll just see. Everardo got a job down on the malecon working for a lady with a souvenir shop, and also his friend Nicco says he can work with him as well. So he will be busy at least 5 days a week; really 7 since I assume more tourists on weekends, right?

So I'm back to all my options are good. I really want to exercise because i feel better. I get that I am just never gonna be thin again. I mean if I wanted it more than anything, I could get there, but it's more like I want it more than anything for awhile....then not so much ha ha. But I really do want to get to be fluent. I have been saying this forever. Long before we moved down here. Then after we moved, but I could not find my way in Guerrero- not I have no excuse. So is it true or is it not? I hope it is true. I get to find out. It looks like the people I will be in class with are a couple of retired people, so a small class of 3, to start. It's an intermediate level, which I think that I am. But as I say, I can speak much better than I can understand ha ha. I guess cause I have time to think up things in my head. I watch subtitles on tv, I listen when I can. I think I prbly know more than I think, but there are just so many words, so many subjects. So I am excited about starting this. And I am willing to give it my all- make a commitment. The only other thing I have going on is the community center, and it seems that the afternoon class is the only one that's working...in the morning the kids are just fooling around. That's fine, but they don't need me for that; they have Kelly, this really nice 18 year old girl who the kids adore. She's some kind of missionary and she goes out every day. If it turns out that there's more I can do out there, then great, but I want to put this language thing first. For me.

I'm also hearing about an orphanage where there are some kids who need some attention and I'm interested in knowing what's going on out there, but, Spanish lessons first....Anda was talking about it and I need to ask her if she's looked into it any more. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog- which is what happens to me after I've been sick- I have medicine head, a little foggy, even today.

You know if I can become fluent, then maybe if we move back to the states in a couple of years there will be jobs available that need someone bilingual. This summer is only a few months away, and we will start the process to try to get Everardo a visa. I pray every nite that he gets one. His uncle is so old, and really failing, and I know he feels he needs to see him. His aunt is in good health but she is also old, and now that he has found Elena, well I know he is feeling alot of responsibility towards his family. And he wants me to be near my daughters, too. I know I wanted to move here. I wanted to try something new, and neither of us are sorry we moved here. For me, to live in a thrid world country is way different than visiting. I have visited alot of countries where people struggle simply to live. I have visited alot of cultures. But living somewhere is different. And I have learned so much in such a short time. About others, but mainly about myself. How lucky I am, I'm trying to remember to be grateful for everything I have in my life. And I continue to learn how I feel about things, and/or to see the same things in different ways. The whole healthcare system is a huge one for me. It makes me never want to move back to the US- EXCEPT that I want to be near my girls. And so...ha ha the lesson again, for the millionth time in a row- is acceptance. There is no need for the fucking insurance companies charging so much, there is no need for the fucking pharmaceutical companies charging so much to produce these drugs. There is no need for all the fucking doctors to charge so much. It's ALL bullshit. But I know I am not the one who is going to change anything. So, as I say, acceptance.Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. Cause when I am not in acceptance- it's about me- not the thing, not the person, not the idea. Me.

I love my family. I am so close to them all right now. From far away I am close. Maybe in another year we will move back, but who knows what comes next. Options- I got options. And oh boy oh boy, the weather is finally in the 70's.....so things are lookin' up!

Ok so very boring- still sick, but much much better than any other day this week. Went to see a new doctor yesterday and liked him very much. He's my new doctor. For one thing ha ha he doesn't smoke. They have this chain of pharmacies in Mexico called Similares and some of them have these doctor consultants next door. It's about 30pesos to talk to them (less than $3US). Anyway he reminded me of the doctor I saw in Guerrero, caring. I showed him what the other doctor gave me, and he said well it could be prescribed with another drug, but he wouldn't choose it. So yipee that I never went back for more. But I was also not getting any better, which prompted Everardo to say this is crazy, get up we're going to a different dr. Anyway he checked me out and gave me a different antibiotic that seems to be working, the cough has lessesned greatly, my chest doesn't hurt, and most of yipee again- he gave me a sleeping pill so I actually slept more than 2 hours in a row which is what's been going on since last Saturday. Sleep deprivation is a true torture. I have been in a daze, and starting to get depressed. I had the same problem during chemo; I would stare at the ceiling all nite and was getting really depressed and having scary thoughts. I finally told the drs who said-why didn;t you say so and gave me something for sleep, however it didn't really work very well. So I hav no great expectaions for these pills, but that's ok, just sleeping about 3 hours yesterday afternoon and then almost all nite has given me a new lease on life! Did I say yipee? ok enough sick talk!!

I sent an email to the Spanish teacher and said if the MWF class isn;t coming together next week then I'm happy to join the T-Th class- I just want to get moving on this. I feel like I am almost understanding when casual conversations are going on around me, and I want it! I want it! I want it! Who knows where this will lead as I am able to communicate with more people. And maybe with AA I can go with Anna out to the rehabs and the women's jail to bring meeting in Spanish. So I am feeling very optimistic about this, another sign that I'm feeling better ha ha. I might even go sit outside for awhile today and read. I've felt so crappy I couldn;t even read.

And it's been cold. But I just looked at the 10 day forecast and it says next week we will be back in the 70's and moving higher each day. again- yipee. I can't believe it's almost March! The time is flying by here. But man I need the warmth. This is/was supposedly an un naturally cold winter for this area, but if it happens next year maybe we'll go spend a couple of months in Playa Ventura, or try somewhere new like Baja- keep paying rent here, but go somewhere warm, even for a few weeks. There seems to be more people coming down here, the streets are busier and I think the vemdors at the malecon are starting to get busier. Everardo is trying to figure out where he can fit in down there to make some bucks. I am also hoping that a construction job comes thru for him, although that's still problt at least a month away. But it is coming. I'm glad for this area that some construction is coming- there are so many Mexicans out of work.

I guess on the resort side things are coming up, like the Tequila Fest, a golf tournament, car racing, and I'm sure that must be good for all the Mexican vendors too so bring it on.

What else will the good weather bring? Scorpions? I heard a guy who got bit the other day and I was surprised but told it's cause it's too cold right now, but they a comin'. That's ok I always wear my slippers in the house when it starts getting dark- learned it in Playa Ventura ha ha. Down there once I saw a tarantula fighting a chicken (yeah I know I told this before), and on my own patio I saw a puppy fighting a scorpion- that scorpion was waving his tail like mad and the puppy was barking- then Poppi squished it. So we'll see what the warm desert weather brings. This is a completely different environment, the desert...and I really haven't explored too much yet. But I will....

STILL SICK! But I still went to the community center today for English class. As it turned out only one student was there and he was helping in the garden and said tomorrow would be better. That was ok with me. I st with Karen, the director for a little while and chatted- me in a whisper cause when I whisper I don't cough ha ha. Then I went home- but oh before I went, Eidad, the Mexican lady who also speaks English and basically coordinates everything out there, wrote down a pill she said I needed to take. Ha ha more pills. But I was more inclined to listen to her, a mom, so when I got home Everardo went and got me some- after I googled it of course! I have been taking so many meds in the last few days- it feels like anyway. She said it would dry up the crap in my throat, that I would stop coughing. So I googled it and it said it would dry me up, that it lets the celia- or something not be swollen, blah blah blah but it was good blah and no scary side effects...and of course is available everywhere except the US ha ha. hmmm maybe they haven't figured out how to make it cheap and sell it super expensively. It's called Ambroxol.Check it out. I took one about 5 hours ago, and do feel somewhat better, but ha ha been saying that every day. However, one gift was, I started feeling a little sleepy, and took a small nap! Yippe cause I have not been able to get to sleep before about 3am and then wake up around 8am- that's not good for me. So between that and some good ole' Vicks 44 cough syrup I'm ok.

I was chatting with my older daughter Drewy last nite on FB and we talked forever about all her plans to get married. We have so many of the same ideas! And I'm so happy that her sister is gonna be her maid of honor, and her cousin will be one of the bridesmaids. She has so many ideas. And maybe we will attend with out newest family memeber, Elena, Everardo's daughter. Now that would be cool. Then this morning I chatted with Halla, daughter #2 and we also had a great talk. She is also full of new plans- she wants to save her money for a year and then go on a year trip with her friend, with WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity for Organic Farming), I believe it's in 3rd world countries, and you stay on these farms and work for room and board. I think the experience will be amazing and I hope she does it. She just got a new job in a nice resturant and is very excited and happy. She's in her second year of college, so I guess she'll take off a year, then hopefully come back and finish- or maybe she'll finish year 3 since school is out in a few months right? Yeah that must be it. I am so proud of my children. Thank god neither of them are alcoholics like me! I mean, for me it turned out to be a good thing, cause my life is so good today, and I don't know if I would figured it out this well otherwise, really who knows? But I had to fuck up my life for alot of years before I got it and my 20's are lost in am alcoholic cocaine blur.

Yesterday I celebrated 12 years of sobriety. Yipee. Although by the end of my 20's I was not doing drugs, and then I had Drewy, then Halla 8 years later, what a waste my 20's were. Party only. Abusive relationship, ignored my family...not good. But, if I hadn't gone that route Drewy wouldn't be the perfect Drew she is today, she saved my life just by being born. I walked away from drugs and abusive relationships, and my life immediately changed. I got promoted at work within 6 months, and a few more months I became a boss. I saved my money and bought a house by myself when I was 32, 1600 sq feet for just me and my Drewy who was 4 ha ha. 3 bedrooms, a huge backyard, but ever so slowly my drinking increased. I drank for 12 more years. I am so grateful though, that I guess I was a functioning alcoholic, mostly I hurt only me. Now I know that's crap, cause you hurt everyone around you and my ex husband got that gift! But I was around for my kids, sometimes albeit in body more than mind, but I spent alot of time regretting how bad a mother I was, but now I see that's not totally true. We had birthday parties and camping trips, fun Christmas, Easter egg hunts, school recitals, ha ha Drewy in ballet, then soccer, her teacher's desk in the garage, we partied with the neighbors, had bbq'a and inflated pools both kids and adults played in. When Halla was born I had this rocking chair that Drewy has in her house now, and I rocked her to sleep every nite in it. Ha ha a good idea for the first year, but then getting her to just go to sleep on her own...man impossible, having to lay down with her ha ha. With Drewy my mom said you just wrap 'em up tight and put her in the crib, let her cry it out for a few days and she'll learn to comfort herself. I did that, and it worked, but I sat on the floor outside her door and cried every nite for the week it took. And that was as a tiny baby (her- not me). Now the good thing was she always went to bed so good, we could make noise, didn't matter, but I think there's a middle ground, and the Halla way was maybe better. And when it was just me and Drewy, I let her climb in and sleep with me, alot ha ha. I would carry her back to bed in the middle of the nite. And no matter where we lived, and she & I lived in Novato, Ignacio, Anaheim, San Rafael, then American Canyon, she would get up after I put her bed and sneak down the hall so she was near me, and when I'd get up to go to the bathroom I find her in a sleepy heap....Yeah we lived 5 places in her first 5 years, so when we hit American Canyon I promised we'd stay until she finished high school- we didn't though, we stayed 7 years, and at the end of 6th grade a deare friend gave us an amazing gift and we moved to Petaluma. That was good since at the time there was no middle school out there and her only choice was a bus into Napa or a bus into Vallejo (not a great place at the time). We lived in Petaluma for the last 15 years, until I moved to Mexico, and I still have a house there. Her Dad and sister still live there, and she's moved a town away, but at least she has roots now. And family. My sister lives near also and they have 4 kids. We are all close.

Anyway I was watching Criminal Minds the other nite, and the killer was this crazy guy who had this condition that crossed some of his senses, and he could "see" people's words and they were in color, like white was honesty, orange were liars, red bad people, and he killed accordingly. It reminded me of a time when I was completely smashed and I was telling people they were colors and altho I don;t remember much more than that, the following Monday everybody told m eit was weird cause it was all spot on! More people kept saying- do me do me and so I would tell them about themselves ha ha! It was a work party my best boss ever (Dominic) had me and a couple of others set up for after work across the highway at this Mexican restaurant, just because, because everybody worked hard, and we were customer service so we always dealt with all the shit from customers, and fixed all the problems and really got no recognition...so my boss was very cool and had an all you can eat....and DRINK party for us. Well while we were setting up I do remember I had 10 mudslide shots. 10! Then I started drinking beer along wit them. I have faint recollection of sitting one one of the tables telling somebody about what color they were. Not sure I ever ate anything, it usually got in the way of my drinking- and this was no kids to be responsible for so I could go for it. Well luckily my keys were taken from me, since I lived 45 minutes on the highway away, and a guy gave me a ride. Apparently he rolled down the window in time and pushed my head thru it so I only barfed on the outside of his truck. When he got me home, he called my husband on the phone to come out and opened the truck door and I fell out onto the lawn. Very attractive. NOT It was Friday and the next day I was humiliated, mortified, and sur I was fired, so I went into work to get all my personal stuff out of my office so that Monday when I was fired it would be easy to leave. To my surprise and dismay, my boss was at work!! I tried to apologize and said I was willing to resign to avoid being fired. When he stopped laughing he said- you don't have to quit. I own you now! You are so filled with guilt I can trust you with anything. You are no my biggest asset! He was the most amazing boss. I'd like to stay I quit drinking after that, but it was still a couple of more years...

Oooh when I go visit up there I hope the rocking chair is in my bedroom at my daughters. That boss later moved back to NY and we stay in touch. Wow anything about Mexico today? Hmmm the weather sucks! It's cold as hell and I guess records are being set with it snowing in Phoenix. It better start getting warm soon, cause I don't want my hubby to have to paint yet another house! ha ha that's a joke insinuating another move, still north like this but warmer....maybe Baja??? Luckily he doesn't read this!!