Sometimes we forget

Sometimes we forget this is Mexico. Sometimes we forget that this is a foreign country. Sometimes we forget that just because the culture is not our own, that it isn't necessarily wrong. Sometimes we forget that we never did know everything, and for sure we don't now.

I was with a small group of people today and we were talking about the lessons to be learned here- mostly patience...but it's more than that...it's acceptance. Customer service as we may be used to in the states, in the grocery store for example is not the norm for many places here. If you don't like standing in line somewhere, or don't feel like someone is taking your order fast enough, well you can leave and go somewhere else. When I first got to Mexico and we had been in our tiny village for about 3 weeks we drove the 2 hours up to Acapulco to go to Costco. There had to be about a million people in line and 2 registers open...and other employees talking or eating (in my opinion standing around), and I was soooo pissed off. I was the only one. Everone else was just waiting. Maybe chatting, talking on the phone, or simply looking around....but definitely not stressed out like me.

When we went to the next town to pay our electric bill, there was also a long line- and it didn't matter which day you came. And if it was time for someone's break or lunch, they went. I had been waiting about half an hour and was getting closer to the window when some woman rushed in and wanted to be at the front of the line. The people at the front front would not let her in. Then a huge argument ensued with her husband who told us all that they had been there in the morning but the office closed so they had to come back. Nobody cared...get in line. But she stayed by the front trying to merge. My husband showed up and once he saw what was going on told me to hold my ground. She tried to push in front of me when it was my turn at the counter and I didn't let here. As I was waited on I heard some positive comments about Guera (sounds like wear-a...means white lady), I didn't really understand them but I understood the tone and got smiles and nods from the other women there. The bank up in Cruz Grande was the same. People lined up and would be sneaky and all of a sudden in front of you. The people waiting on you don't care. Someone puts their face in and they get waited on.

Penasco in Sonora was about the same in the grocery stores and the bank. You gotta stay alert ha ha! So here it is much the same. There's a grocery store about 8-10 miles up the road towards Ensenada. It's the closest so we go there for onesy twosey stuff, but it's expensive because it's where all the Americans from here go. We found a grocery store in Ensenada that seems to be only Mexicans shopping, and the prices were great. We figure for the groceries we just bought there for 400 pesos, we would have spend around 900-1000 in the store near us or even the Wallmart in Ensenada. If you look you can find much better deals...but they do not come with customer service- the cheap stuff or the expensive stuff.

Here it's kinda mixed up. There are lots and lots of Americans, Canadians, and other expats; in fact you could never have to speak Spanish...I see they are having a St Patrick's Day party, and of course Valentine's Day was a bug thing, too...for the Americans. We don't hang out with any of them, with the exception of the people we see in AA meetings, our next door neighbor and his friend (who is now our friend) and his dog who plays with our dogs. We shop in Mexican stores in either the next town (Maneadero) or go up to Ensenada. When we eat out, we eat at the stands almost all the time, and really have no involvement around here. There's an online newsletter that I subscribed to when we were first looking for a place over here, and I still get it. It comes out just about every day and talks about what's happening, has the menus for all the restaurants here, and who's selling what- new and used. But the prices are ridiculous! And only Americans eat and shop in these places...because the prices are ridiculous. Even the house that has an every single day yard sale has ridiculous prices...I mean c'mon...a garage sale- stuff should cost .25cents, maybe a dollar, not $25 for something used...Ok so the other weird part is the Mexicans who charge outrageous prices because they know they Americans will pay it! And they do, so we almost never eat out around here. And even the little hole in the wall Aborrotes have higher prices than if we go 5 miles down the road. So there's alot of everybody screwing everybody.

We went to the segundas today; I was looking, or planned to look for kitchen stuff for the walls, you know like a picture of food, or I don't know, kitchen-y. I'd know when I saw it. We went into this one place that has all these antiques...and the stuff is nice, but I asked the price of a small rectangular painting of a table of food and utensils...I really like it, and it was 750 pesos! What??? Yeah I didn't get it. But I also forgot I need to point things out to Everardo and then walk away...then he asks ha ha. It's frustrating to do that, but he gets a way better price than I do. Well on the way there we stopped in a nursery and he looked at plants and I looked at clay (pottery) suns to put on the wall. I wanted bright colors, cheery. Our place is so small and I think filling it with color and positive energy goes a long way to make it feel like a home. Well I got the first one for 80 pesos. Then after tramping thru the segundas, and only buying a ceramic fish (for the bathroom) and new cutting board, I had been thinking and decided that different suns, different colors and faces might be just the trick for the kitchen, so on the way home we stopped at a place we'd been to before and I found another sun, really different from the first one and got that. Of course with hubby asking the prices. You know, they don't care if you buy anything or not...the segundas have so much stuff in them, and sooo many people digging thru it. The stuff is cheap, and you can get lucky and have a great day. Tomorrow we're going back to Ensenada for the noon meeting and we're gonna stop at a place we went to today to get a sun I really liked at the time, but decided 200pesos was too much even though it had a lot of work to it...the ray were all separate and painted and it was all different bright colors, but I hadn't had the bright idea yet of doing all suns......Anyway I need to have Everardo ask the prices in the segundas as well when it's something I really want. What I should be doing is trusting my Spanish and my gut enough to ask for myself and then barter....

Ok so back to the conversation today....This woman who hadn't said much as we were talking about learning to live in another culture, to accept, and maybe to come to understand...and she speaks up and promptly bursts into tears. Now this isn't completely weird because in the short 4 months I've lived here I've seen her cry at least twice before. (ha ha here I am talking about a group of expats chatting after saying I don't really interact with them...so there's a few I see around, ok?) I know she rides horses alot, and they are not her horses, but owned by some Mexican people who live near her, I think it's a couple of different families that own a few different horses. Horses are everywhere around here, in fact up on the main road right at the mouth of our road, whenever there's a cruise ship in Ensenada, there's a big string of horses tied up, and buses come from the cruise ships and drop people for a horse ride out to the beach. I think they pay $20 a pop, and really they just ride out to the beach (down our road a little ways and then across a small patch of land to the beach), then they kinda just stand around, and come back. Sounds kinda chintzy, but they people keep coming.
So this woman is always talking about riding horses up in the hills, and today she started to talk about a horse and I almost turned my mind to something else, but she had started to cry so I listened. Apparently one of the horses was pregnant and about to have it's baby (yeah I know there's horse terms for this but I don't know them and am too lazy to google it for this post, sorry), and there was some kind of argument about who actually owned the horse or who was going to own the baby horse. The the horse disappeared, she thought one of the guys stole it...and the next thing she knew was the horse was hit by at least 2 cars. Now I think all this took place on Wednesday afternoon, and I'm not sure what road she's talking about because we went out, and I never saw anything. But anyway, the horse had 2 broken legs, and a guy from one of the cars had a head injury and had to go to the hospital. One thing to note: if your animal "hits" your car, you are responsible for the damages. It's like when we were down in Guerrero, where there were alot of cows along the backroads, if you hit the cow, the farmer had to pay you, so what usually happened was he gave you the cow and there was a big bbq after that. We were at the neighbor's when word came somebody hit a cow, and out friend had to leave to go help butcher the cow.

Well nobody wanted to claim the horse after the cars hit it because none of them have any money, and people here are afraid of the police..The really really horrible thing was that the poor horse was left on the road for 24 hours, in pain until a vet came. The vet put the poor horse out of it's misery, but had no instruments with him to perform a cesarean....so a man who was there whipped out a big knife, cut open the dead horse and took out the foal. The vet had left and so they called another one, and he came hours later, and put the baby horse on an iv and said if it made it thru the nite it had a chance. Then some women showed up to take care of the foal, and promptly took out the iv. The baby did survive the nite, but died the next day. The woman telling us the story was almost hysterical..and I am not sure of any of the facts, but I am sure that this woman was losing it. I went and sat by her and hugged her. She was there for all of the things she related to us, and she was sad and angry...and powerless. The guy who owned the horse did after all go down to the accident and pay for the man who had to go to the hospital. I don't understand about the vets taking so long because there's one here and another in Maneadero and they don't charge too much (well the one in Manedero) and would have come right away, so I don't know what was going on. But my concern was for her. This is Mexico, not the United States. Yes, people are afraid of the police and in many cases for good reason. Animals are not treated the same way at all. They are possessions, and as little money as possible is spent on them- again many times because people can hardly feed themselves and/or their family, or pay for drinking water, or or or....I don't agree with the treatment of animals here; our dogs are our kids. They sleep in the house, they do everything with us. Here if you have a dog it's probly just for protection, and there are so many strays, all over Mexico- it's a huge problem..

So I stayed with her and we chatted for awhile. I told her if she is going to get this upset over every "injustice"- perceived injustice, she's gonna want to kill herself. This was not the first story of something upsetting her I've heard, but certainly the worst, the saddest, the most awful. But there's not too much she can do about it. I'm sure I would have been horrified myself...maybe I would have thought to call the lady at the dog rescue, she probly could have gotten someone there quicker...but we have to learn some acceptance here. Yes, we think our way is the best most times. Is it? Not sure....not sure I'm qualified to be the judge of anything. So yeah, sometimes we forget. But I want to be here, maybe I can contribute in a positive way, and sometimes I just need to be. It's been a long day...but still...Viva!

Rain....and then gone...for the season?

Well it poured rain on Saturday and both Friday and Saturday nites. Not sure if I mentioned that although it didn't leak much....the place did leak a little. Around a front window and the bedroom window. So when it dried out Saturday afternoon, Everardo went around and caulked windows and patched the roof over the porch- of course it leaked right where you walk out thru the sliding glass door. And that door is the on ewe use all the time. We only use the kitchen door to get in after we've been out because the slider has no key. Anyway his work paid off and as it poured Saturday nite- all nite it seemed, and hard with really strong winds, we stayed dry.

The rain on Saturday was mostly in the morning and then during the nite. I had tried twice to take the dogs for a beach walk but it started to rain hard both times I ventured out. So the third time, it hadn't rained in over and hour and the sky seemed to be clearing up, so I said "let's go!" We get down the path so we're on the beach and the sky opens up. I had 2 tennis balls and the ball checker so threw for them anyway and at first they were happy to be playing in the rain. I was soaked to the skin in 2 minutes. Hazel was the fist to dissapear and I saw her running up the path to get home but Sam hung in.....for a couple of more minutes..and then I chucked one hard, he started off, took just a few steps and looked back at me like 'are you nuts?' and took off for the house. When I got up there both dogs were on the porch, toweled dry by Poppi, who ordered me to a hot shower. But, something happened.

By Saturday nite I had bumps on my face, I thought they were bug bites, big and red, like a spider had marched accross my forehead and down my cheek. Oh and one by itself on the inside of my forearm. I put my bug stuff on them but by Sunday morning they looked like something I had before, down in Playa Ventura. They looked like pustules...bumps with liquid inside- and I had it the first summer we were in Mexico. It was on my arm and my leg right around the knee. When I popped a couple I realized they weren't bug bites and we went to the doctor. He said it was an infection from the water. That at the first rains, the water came down from the mountains and there was basically sewage coming down into the ocean. There was no plumbing for people up there, and people who do have plumbing, even some in the town where we were, sometimes the pipe just went outside of their house or led down to the water. The doctor said that kids and people who were not used to it caught the bacteria every year around that time. Yuck- did I say yuck yuck yuck? So he gave me an antibiotic shot (in case you haven't realized that theme, you get a shot for everything!) and some cream to put on them. He told me not to pop them but if they did pop to wipe it right up.

Ok so none if these bumps were far enough along to start popping so I slathered on the cream I found in our bathroom. The box it came in said it was only by perscription so I knew it had to be it. I'm going to write the name down and save it in case there's ever a next time. I already re-looked up all our other meds and wrote what they are for on the packages, but I think I'll just make a list and keep it in the medicine drawer.

Today is Wednesday and I woke up today with just a couple of bumps left and none with liquid. But I was careful, kept my hair back with a headband and put the cream on every few hours. If it hadn't worked by Friday I was going to go to the doctor but looks like no need. SO- ewwww! Did I get it from the rain? Or from something that the dogs ran thru and maybe it was like a poison oak or something? But this was the first really hard rain, and seemed more like it came from inland than the ocean. I mean I know it came across the ocean, but maybe went across Baja and moved up. Baja isn't really wide- you can cross it in about 3-4 hours from here, so maybe the clouds sucked up water from the mountains around here? I don't know, what I do know is, water...icky bumps....Oh and I was not in the ocean (too cold this time of year). Well anyway crisis averted.

Some amazing and fantastic and wonderful happened this week as well. Friday I had sent a one liner message to my younger daughter simply saying I miss you and I love you. I told myself that i needed to accept that she might not reply, but I needed to not have any resentments. Well she did reply! She said she missed me too, and wanted me to call her. So I did. On Monday late morning and we talked for almost 2 hours! At first it was light and casual, as if we talked all the time. But an opportunity opened up and I felt I needed to say how I felt. At first that part didn't go so good. We had resentments, anger, guilt...blame....but we kept on talking because we love each other and because we can change our relationship right this minute if we want to. So I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt. And we worked thru it. We talked again yesterday, in the morning before her afternoon class, and then again- she called me when she got out of school at 8:30 pm. We talked about a million things, both those calls were over an hour as well. We talked about some important things...I think she is putting huge pressure on herself and maybe doesn't know how to resolve it, change it....and I had some suggestions. She has work and school and is living in her dad's house with him and his new wife. School is really tough and she is rethinking her path, and then worried that she shouldn't be rethinking...that's alot of pressure. Unfortunately for her, when her dad and I divorced she was 13, and she always chose to stay with him because he spoiled her so much- I mean cooking for her, doing her laundry, cleaning the house, etc. Now at 13 maybe that's ok, but it went on and on and now she's about to be 21. He a wonderful dad and just wants to take care of her- he's a big caretaker, wants to take care of everyone..but this has not turned out so well because well, now her expectations...yeah she never wanted to stay with me because I had rules, curfew, not allowing her to smoke weed in my house....Anyway now she has a new stepmother who job it is not to be her maid. My daughter knows this on some level but has big resentments going on. So they argue...alot. I was so happy she confided in me. And I told her I think she needs to move out, right now. She wants to live in San Francisco which I think is a great idea, but that plan is a ways off, at least to the fall semester. She needs to move out now. Is she is unhappy with the living situation she is the one who needs to make a change. Her dad's new wife is not going anywhere. And she's not that new, she's been in the picture for almost 2 years. So my darling daughter just had so much inside, struggling with school and her home life...I wish (or well what's done is done) but I wish she would have confided in me sooner, but we're here now. So the second time we talked, last nite, she was excited and had already talked to her really close friend who needs a place to live as well and they are going to look together. I also told her it's ok to change her mind about school.

She's still taking alot of general ed, and she could just get an associates degree for now, and finish her Bachelors later. Or change back to her original idea of a degree in something environmental which is what she had always talked about but got disillusioned last summer. Then she made a huge leap- and I think she felt pressured and at least partly by me- and wanted to be come a landscape architect.....well now she's in an architecture class and doesn't like it at all...well that was the impression I got, we plan to talk about it more. But I don't want her to be unhappy or stressed out. Stay in school and look for a different path, or the path she had been on before- you know how the grass if always greener...in fact I wouldn't mind if she took the fall semester off and got used to living on her own...she'll finish this semester (it's about half way), and hopefully move out in the next month or 2 at the most...then she can work and settle into being her own boss, realize her responsibility. (she told me her stepmom was not the boss of her & I told her, when you are in their house she sure is the boss of you!) Yeah I want her to finish school, but the cool thing is, you can start again twice a year, at the beginning of every semester. I just want her to see she has options, choices, and yes they all come with responsibilities, with prices, with consequences...but she is in control - if she chooses to be. I want her to choose to be happy. I already know she will be a huge success at whatever she chooses. Hell she works in a very popular upscale restaurant and makes great tips...as a busser ($150 the other nite in tips) and she's gonna train as a server. People love her, she is so open, sincere, and has such compassion. But my baby girl bottle up her negative thoughts and emotions...and sooner or later they have to come out. That's what we talked about the first day when the conversation went to the dark side...you gotta talk about that stuff. Maybe that's why she opened up the next day. I am so so so so pleased to have my daughter back in my life. I will try very hard to respect her space and her likes/dislikes...like she hates long messages (and my argument was well if I don't hear from you for 8 months, I have so many questions so much to say)...but we kinda caught ourselves up and I'll try to send short and sweet msgs. With my older daughter we write books to each other as well as phone calls every couple of days so i can get it out there ha ha. So we promised to stay in close touch. It will take work on both our sides, but I'm willing and I think she is too.

So all this means life is goooood. My hubby is happy, my dogs are happy. Long walks on the beach for doggys and me, and jogging for him. We're still exploring and finding better places to shop- like shopping in Mexican stores where not too many if any Americans go makes the bill so much cheaper! We bought a week's worth of meat, milk, bread, and couple of other things and spent 400 pesos (about $32USD) and for about the same amount of stuff in Wallmart or even Calimax (which is near us but where all the Americans in this area shop) it would be about 900-1000 pesos. So making a list and going into Ensenada for groceries to a Mexican store is REALLY worth it. Just like the vet for the dogs- we go to Manedero, the Mexican town on the way to Ensenada and it's really cheap. The vet here in Punta Banda, well their clients are again-Americans and Canadians...so you pay pay pay.

I love it here! The ocean is so amazing, the weather is nice...still cold by nitefall and man today, really nice in the morning for my walk in a tank top and shorts but cold by afternoon. We are snug here with Sam & Hazel sleeping on the floor in front of us. These dogs have the life! Viva!

Wow! Friday already!

Ok first things first. I did get the key to the gym. Actually I borrowed the key and made copies for them. I went inside it by myself to take a look...sad. Calling it a gym is such a stretch ha ha. It's a 2 story house that is in total disrepair, and here that means plumbing is pulled out, walls are down to the plants and 2x4's, things are are pulled off the ceilings, dust and broken glass on the floors- which of course are just wood. However...there are machines in there for working out, and free weights as well. I'm sure there's no electricity but there are a couple of treadmills with cords laying on the floor. There's also machines that don't need to plug in, a stationary bike and then a bike where you are sitting very low to the ground on a seat and then pedal out in front of you. A machine where your feet slide forward and back while your arms are also pulling back and pushing forward. An abs thing that looks like the one we have; you lay slanted backwards and pull up, etc.

Everardo is interested in the free weights, and altho' I saw the small bars for the hand weights, I did not see the long bar, but there was a weight bench and the bar is probly there somewhere. I had thought he might like the treadmill and I was hoping for an elliptical or to bring ours down there, but he said, no he likes to job along the estuary and at the beach, and I am enjoying walking the beach in the mornings. If I decide I really want to use my elliptical we'll figure something out (right now it's in the shed- it was on the porch which I did not like at all, I may refer to myself as trailer trash now that we live in a mobile home, but I am totally kidding and don't want to look the part).

So he hasn't been down there yet, we were going to walk over there today and the rain sorta made us feel like we should stay home in sweats and/or jammies and play solitaire on our laptops and watch movies.

The impending storm for Calif has been all over the news, but we are just a couple of hours south and so knew we'd get at least a little wet. It rained, well sprinkled really, during the nite, and was cloudy, windy, and gray this morning. I started to take the dogs to the beach twice, and both times as I started out the door it suddenly started raining buckets. Then later this afternoon I sat outside watching the waves and it only sprinkled while I was there, so when Everardo returned with the dogs from a quick run to have a tire looked at, I grabbed the ball chucker and we went to the beach. HA HA!! As soon as I got down the path it started to pour!! I was instantly soaked, and I was only wearing a short bathrobe over a tshirt and pajama pants. Since I was already drenched to the bone I decided to throw a couple anyway. It was the first time I brought 2 balls, because Hazel can outrun Sam now and he won't chase it if she's way ahead. She's not great at bringing it all the way back yet, but that was resolved when Sam trotted over and got her ball in his mouth, too. He came up and dropped 2 balls at my feet. When I stopped laughing I threw a few more. It rained on, even harder. Hazel left for home. I threw another one for Sam and he started after it, went a few yards, looked back and me- and I swear he said "really??"...and he headed for home as well. As I got to the sliding glass door, Everardo was already drying Hazel off and ordered me to a hot shower.

We skipped the 6pm AA meeting in favor of more lounging around, and I'm glad because as I have been writing this it is just pouring, really hard. Luckily yesterday Everardo put something on the porch roof because last time when it just rained a little, there was a big leak there. I was wrong when I thought- wow- this is the first house in Mexico that hasn't leaked in the rain; a front window is leaking, but not too bad, a towel there is taking care of it, and there's a little water on the sill of our bedroom window but we have Everardo's thick serape there already because when we first got here I thought the wall was so cold and our bed heads against that wall. The room is too small to choose any other way, so the serape on the wall keeps my head nice and warm. Ok it is just attacking us! The wind is blowing so hard and things are banging around. We're now talking about camping out in the living room where it's the warmest tonite. That will make Sam & Hazel very happy. Hmmm sounds like we need some hot chocolate!

Earlier this week the weather was beautiful; gets cold as the sun goes down, but during the day I can usually wear shorts. One morning, either Tuesday or Wednesday I sat out with my coffee, and a seal came by and entertained me for about 40 minutes! It was so cool! I've gotten good at spotting big groups of birds that are more than one kind- like sea gulls and pelicans and it means something is swimming/fishing out there. I've only seen dolphins, no whales yet, but this seal was a crack up! He swam and jumped and rolled over, and then swam SO fast I was really surprised- I guess I've seen it on tv but right in front of me was so cool! He went past from one side to the other and I thought he was gone, and then he came back and played back across the bay going this way. It was wonderful.

Took another drive hoping to see whales, just may not be in the cards this season. But we took long dirt road thru some mountains that we hadn't seen before and then hiked up the last little bit to get to a good viewing spot. Everardo said he could do it in 4whell drive but my "chicken-ness" kicked in after some steep windy roads and I said, "no no we can walk it." It was a beautiful spot, one I'd bring my daughters to when they come visit, and we sat and looked, spotted boats way out on the horizon and a place very close to us where there was a very tall rock and a smaller one behind it, and for some reason the waves swirled and plunged downwards in between the 2 rocks and then crashed against the front rock with an incredible spray. It was like a crashing whirlpool and amazing to watch, with or without the binoculars.

I was thinking about when I made those copies for the lady at the rental office. I asked her is she wanted me to make 3 or 4 extras and she replied "oh that's ok". Now in English- wait she was speaking English,,,so maybe for a person for whom English is their first language, and they are and American, "oh that's ok", means "no, thank you", but here it can mean "yes, please". I've already experienced this in other places in Mexico so I asked her to confirm, so she did want me to make extras? And she said yes...kinda funny how the same words have different meanings..I was thinking of another one, but my brain just emptied out ha ha. My daughter and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was telling me about talking with her girlfriends about something one of them wanted to buy, and Drew said, "oh I bet they have it at the segundas", and went on talking and her friends all looked at her and said what?? She meant the thrift stores but I talk about the segundas all the time and she just picked it up- she and I had a good laugh over that.

And lastly, I've been thinking about what my older sister said to me about my younger daughter with whom I've not been talking to at all, and I've been full of resentment...that maybe Halla is doing the best she can. I talked to Drew about it, and she said it, too. So I sent her a message simply telling her I love her and I miss her and I hope hope hope hope she writes back to me, or even better, calls me. I don't know why she keeps her feelings inside, I know she misses me, and even though I told her I wasn't going to chase her anymore trying to get her to have a relationship with me, but she is my child, and I need to keep reaching out. The problem is mine, I need to reach out, and be able to accept it if she does not reciprocate. So no long teary messages, just simple unconditional love...tell her I love her and I miss her. The truth is, that's the best I can do right now without getting resentful...like you never reply, or you never try....see that? I'm saying you you you....man sometimes writing here helps me sooooo much! This is the example I needed to see for myself...that when I'm mad I say you you you instead of remembering that I can ONLY control me me me!
Wow talk about ending on a high note! Viva!

Flea markets, segundas, another fridge?

Most Sunday mornings we hit the flea market (altho' here I hear it called the "open air market") for vegetables and fruit. Bananas, green apples and oranges are our primary fruits- and usually the green apples came from the states. It's a huge market place, and it's packed all weekend. We went this morning primarily because Everardo had a hankerin' for pizza. By the time we get there it's usually closer to noon than not, and there's a couple of good taco stands and a couple of pizza places as well. They have these metal boxes that are pizza ovens; I saw inside one today as we ate our slice of pepperoni, and it had flames at the bottom and she had one of those wide wooden paddles to slide it in and out on the shelves. It seemed to me that her dad was showing her the ropes; every move she made he had a comment, and sometimes it became a small discussion. Anyway the pizza is great! Then we found this stand to bring something to our friend Tim; it food from Oxaca, and they use "blue corn" tortillas and fold them into triangles with beans (like a paste) and cheese or other things for 10-15 pesos.

This place has 3 or 4 long rows of booths- booths with everything...Everardo got a haircut today for about $3! There's 2 or 3 haircut tents and they're always busy. Of course it's mostly all the same haircut: short. Almost shaved head short. He gets a haircut I like better, but this looks ok, too. They sell clothes, shoes, toys, baby clothes and accessories, furniture, everything you can think of. They sell cars, bicycles, scooters.

They have these markets everywhere. There's one in Ensenada on Thursdays and Fridays but we haven't been to it yet. The price for veggies and fruit is usually better than the store, and sometimes we just walk thru to look...today we bought some caramel popcorn to snack on, and what I like is anything you buy there, somebody just made it (food I mean). On Saturdays there's a mini flea market at the end of our gravel raod, up where it meets the main road. Not usually cooked food, but veggies and fruit. The thing about this one, is they are targeting Americans; in fact maybe half of the vendors are Americans. So the veggies and fruit is more expensive- this woman actually sets up 2 afternoons during the week out there- we went once- she was sooo expensive- much more than the store even. This market has clothes, tools, camping equip, and surfing stuff- wet suits, surf boards boogie boards. We stop there when we need batteries, and sometimes just to look.

Today there was some kind of volkswagon event going on. We must have seen over 100 VWs, bugs and buses, some at the gas station, some on the road. When we were trying to speed home to measure our fridge space, we got caught in a VW parade! Then, apparently they didn't know where they were going because they all started pulling over, in an area where the road isn't all that wide ha ha. But they musta figured it out cause on the way back they were gone. There's always something going on...car races, biking, hikes, seems like you can be as involved or uninvolved as you want. Right now, we're just watching.

Ok so when we got to the flea market we went around the side to get in. Right there was a guy selling furniture that looked new (might have been) and he had a tall fridge. I just stopped to take a look and sigh (see the trick is in the sigh)...because we have a little apartment fridge that we have stuffed full with almost nothing. This one was plugged in and running, so we zipped home to measure and got ourselves a new fridge for 1500 pesos (about $120) The guy next door upstairs is very happy cause Everardo offered him our little fridge, which is twice the size of the little box he has (and no freezer). We still got our pizza and walked a little, so it was a nice afternoon. In Mexico there is always something for sale on the side of the road. This is the 3rd fridge we bought since getting to Mexico. We bought a brand new huge one in Playa Ventura because I naively thought we would be there forever (ouch ha ha). But we did sell that one. Then in Penasco we bought a used one on the side of the road. It was a little cheaper than this one, but we had to get it fixed almost right after we got it home so the price became the same as this one. We gave that fridge to the lady who lived across from us- she didn't have a pot to pee in. We gave her that, a couple of lounge chairs, a bunch of food, our big sectional couch, and our dresser. She was soooo happy, it was worth it. I would not have wanted that couch here, what we have now is much better, much nicer. And like I said, you can buy anything in Mexico, new, slightly used, used, beat up, trash. For me the only problem remains the 2 prices- gringo and Mexican. Ah well, lucky for me I got me a Mexican who is happy to let me choose and then he negotiates. (I love this man) Things are just cheaper here, people are much more poor here and so prices reflect what they can pay. With no income except from rent, this is a good thing for us. I just read Mexico is in the top 5 of the best health care countries in the world! Yeah- Viva!

Now this is kinda pathetic- I am so happy because we have handles on all the kitchen drawers! At first we had none, then we painted, oh and still had none. Then they brought them and for some reason Everardo put all the knobs on the cabinets but not the drawer handles. He put them somewhere...anyway today after getting our wonderful new grownup fridge in, he put all the handles. I keep knocking stuff off the list, but it has a ways to go. He has this way of working on something up to about 95 or even 98%...and then changes to something else. It always gets done so I'm trying to not say anything,,,,but why no drawer handles, and the tile behins the stove...almost done and nothing for about 2 weeks. Oh! Glad I said that! I just realized we are on week 3 of being here, so maybe it's good I haven't said anything about the speed things are being completed. But I am happy. It feels like home.

This week goal: get the key to the gym! Viva!

Dolphins, dolphins....

This morning I sat in my chair lookin' at the beach ....and now I know to look for bunches of different kinds of birds together, and I was rewarded with 2 dolphins jumping and swimming. I almost wrote "the same 2 dolphins", but I don't know if they're the same 2 I've seen over the last week. And this is only the second time I've seen 2 together. But it always feels like my lucky day when I see them my own little person gift from the universe. So do the birds cluster by them because the dolphins know where the fish are? Or do they just like them? I mean the birds just don't sit, they flap around and move around with the dolphins. It really looks like they're all having a good time. Haven't seen any whales yet, but they are much more rare here in the bay and I haven't been back out to the cliffs, but I want to go tomorrow. Poppi said this afternoon we should go check out the boats that take you out to see them, but for (ha ha) me...it better be a big boat- bigger than the one we went out on in the Sea of Cortez for Everardo's birthday. Yeah like in Jaws-"we need a bigger boat".

I started my new exercise this week instead of zumba. Man I love zumba, and maybe I'll go back after daylight savings starts, and I feel a little better about myself physically- meaning when I can breathe after a few minutes of exercise ha ha. Walking on the beach, as close to the shore as I can get where the sand is the firmest. This week I did 4 days of about 50 minutes (out and back). Next week I'll do an hour, and my plan is to do another hour at the end of the day...or maybe zumba eh? The beach walk is good, feels good. I use my ipod...a tiny little square called a "shuffle". Of course it drove me crazy because I had added all the zumba music from Penasco and didn't realize it made a second playlist...blah blah blah to get it all to shuffle together I had to put it in a folder, and to do that I had to goggle the user guide. Ha! I've had this little ipod for about 4 or 5 years and never did anything but turn it on and go. Ok so I dance my way down the beach, sometimes rock & roll and sometimes zumba, it all makes me sweat!

But yesterday- no yesterday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine so no walk- the light outside killed my eyes. I took an over the counter migraine aspirin and it pushed it back a little bit. By early afternoon it was not gone, and like a shadow starting to creep back I could feel it. Pissed me off 'cause they're only supposed to come every 3 months or so (my rules ha ha). And maybe this one would have simply been a bad headache, but it did wake me up during the nite, and that usually means migraine. I did not however want to get a shot. But then we remembered the pill the pharmacist gave me last time. I was crying by the time we got there, and she was so nice. She was licensed to give injections so she gave it to me. Then she got a pill out of her personal stash- she broke it into 4 pieces and told me to take one piece right then. She said it would stop the panic attacks that came with the headache and she said I was so anxious and upset that it makes it worse, and this would help. You know, I'm sure I wrote about this when I got it, and I goggled it when I got home, etc. So I still had 2 tiny pieces and took one. An hour later the headache was gone, I had a good night sleep last night and feel like myself today. Oh yeah that's right- the reason I doubted it was a migraines was because altho I had bad dreams and the headache woke me up, I didn't have a panic attack. Anyway I'm good now. Back to the beach walking...

So Thursday I decided to not listen to my music on the way, only the way back. The reason was I didn't want to loose what I get from sitting in my chair out there with my coffee and talking to the universe. And Tue & Wed when I got back I fell into the shower and then drank my protein shake from my chair in the living room. I'll work it out...I did notice that without the music I tend to walk slower. So we'll see. But I love, I need that universe time. I'm working stuff out for myself...I'm on a path, I want to hold onto it. I'm close than I have ever been with the concept of acceptance. With my younger sister and my younger daughter, I have been going thru this shit for years. Lately I have been able to let go of them. With my sister it's much easier. She seems not to want a relationship, or at least not one in which we communicate unless we are face to face, and well, finally finally finally that's ok. Love her, but not gonna spend another minute anx'ting over why she doesn't respond to me. What a huge relief..like fresh air somehow...bad energy dissipating. And all the bad energy was mine. I have no idea, no way of knowing how she feels, what she thinks or not and it's none of my business. It takes work though until it becomes my way and I must be diligent.

Of course my daughter is much harder, but the same basic principles apply. It's my bad energy a wishin' and a hopin'.....It's my bad energy being hurt, it's my bad energy being mad....and maybe worst of all it's my bad energy constantly doing "what if"s what if this happens? what if that happens....? But since I have been practicing acceptance, talking it thru, asking myself what does it look like, what if I just accepted Halla for Halla? That right now our relationship is what it is? You know what happens? It is soooo totally cool!!! I relax inside, I feel happy, at peace. Of course I can't hang onto it for too long, so much has happened in my little pea brain. I see her post something on Face book, or  not write to me, or like now, a month ago she sent me a quick msg she missed me and as gonna call me. Yeah that was a month ago. So I've been letting it go. Then yesterday my other daughter, who I have an amazing relationship with, told me Halla asked for my phone number (ok tiny resentment...why doesn't she know my number?...ok over it). So I was all happy she was going to call, kinda nervous...we haven't spoken since last August and had minimal chats on fb. I do want to have a relationship with her, when she wants one. But of course....no call. Well maybe tomorrow. But the truth is I need to concentrate on the people in my life who want to have a relationship with me. I love Drew's life with her fiance and her new daughter Danica. That makes Danica my soon to be granddaughter and I adore her. This morning on Skype she told me about riding her bike and about dance lessons and about Kindergarten. Now that chokes me up! And all in positive energy! I have another sister who I email back and forth with since she's in Florida. That's positive energy. Everardo has family who he talks to often and they want to be in our lives. My life is full. And yeah I'm pretty happy.

Most of the time.....this week we had a big argument that started over me getting mad at the dog or something and the fight was he thinks I fly off the handle in anger to quickly. I pointed out that at least now I get over it quick...years ago I could nurse a good grudge for a long time ha ha. Oh and this week I celebrated 13 years sobriety. That's truly the biggest thing in my life, because without the 12 steps of AA I wouldn't (probably) have the awareness to take a look at my anger, my fears, or to come to believe that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. So down here the birthday person has to supply the cake/goodies for the meeting, and since I had told my oreo story in the group here locally, I brought a big bowl of oreos. The funny thing was, the bowl was cover with aluminum foil and as I came in someone said- you better go home and get Oreos! Ha ha and I uncovered them! Skip ahead if you've heard this oreo story, but I share that anytime I start thinking I could have just one drink, I think of Oreos. Oreos are my favorite cookie, maybe my favorite food, or at least second behind peanut butter. But I have to buy them in the small packages that just have 6 or 8 cookies, and I always eat them all. (of course right) But today,  if I were to buy a regular package of Oreo cookies, well maybe today I would just eat 3 or 4 cookies- or maybe 6 or 8 since that's how many are in the small packs. And maybe even tomorrow I would just eat a handfull. But for sure by tomorrow nite, I would be laying in bed thinking about those cookies. I might get up and eat another 6 or 8. Even if they give me a stomach ache because I've already had 6 or 8 and maybe I had some ice cream with them after dinner. By day 3, I will eat them all, no matter how many are left. Writing this, I am thinking about the cookies that are on the counter wrapped in tin foil from last nite because they didn't get finished off....and there one small package in the cupboard as well. As soon as I finish writing this I'll get the ones in the foil....I am powerless over Oreo cookies. And the more I eat, the more I crave them. We were out most of today and that's why they're not gone...So you see I can tell myself....I can't even control my Oreo cookie cravings, so how could I think I could have just one drink? (and by the way- I NEVER had just one...if there was really only one drink to be had- I went without.)

So the house is close to done, and feels really homey. Only touch ups are needed for paint, and all the pictures are up in every room. Today I bought some little pottery bumble bees that I'm gonna put up on the wall over our closet, and I want to buy something bright like a big sun or a painted plate for the kitchen. Drew and Rex and Danica saw the house on skype and saw how close we are to the beach and everybody wants to come. I need to skype with my sister in Florida so I can show her, too.

I got a couple of comments on my blog recently, and some about my posts about my spirituality. Someone said it was so honest, they couldn't do it. I tell you, writing is very therapeutic, very soothing, and sometimes helps me figure out how I really feel. So writing, watching dophins, AA, and amazing hubby, and 2 great doggys...yeah life is pretty good right now. Viva!

Happy Valentine's Day!

What a beautiful day! No I did not receive a box of chocolates or candy hearts, but I did get the gift of an awesome day. Oh and it's not over yet. Anyway it started with a cup of coffee and a ride out to the cliffs we went to for a few minutes yesterday, to look for whales. Notice I did not say "whale watching" because that assumes that there are whales hanging out waiting to be watched. That was not the case. As the day wore on Everardo made terrible jokes like -I saw some quail....wheel watching...it went on & funny enough, never got old so we laughed all day.

We took Hazel and Sam for the first hour, but that wasn't working out too well....Sam is fine, he'll lay down at your feet, but Hazel runs and jumps all over the place. So I went from scanning with the binoculars to worrying about her. Once when Poppi said oh she's fine under the truck, we looked and she had crossed the street. The thing is...this is a windy road leading to the Bufadora, and the place we stop is in between two curves. And man, people drive like bats out of hell! I looked at the curve beyond us, that curves inward so the outside lane goes along the guard rail and wondered how many cars simply miss that turn and fly off the cliff to be smashed on the rocks and deown in the ocean below. Dark, right? But they are driving sooo fast! And huge buses also come along, but they are going slow by these turns. There was one cruise ship in port over in Ensenada, and then when we took the dogs home to drop them off we saw a huge cruise ship coming in from the south.

Ok so back to the cliff. Everado took the dogs exploring and I sat and watched the ocean for awhile. I heard a long deep boom, a foghorn way out there. There was a wall of fog way out, almost to the horizon, so we could see lots of ocean; 2 sailboats...they looked so cool, lots of birds...I could hear sea lions barking but couldn't see them. So after an hour we decided to bring the dogs home and then go back out. So we came back and that's when we saw the huge cruise ship come in from the south so we knew that was the foghorn we heard. That was kinda cool.

I sat and watched the ship come in ever so slowly and Everardo went in the house and came back out with protein shakes for both of us. Mine has to be made without the protein powder we bought, but we are getting creative and smashing up almonds, adding berries and bananas, and this weekend I'll pick up some yogurt with is packed with protein. Then we went back out.

At first it was "OH NO!", because the fog had crept into almost to the shore, but we continued past our cliff and went all the way to the Bufadora. We walked thru and Everardo bought the bread with the cheese inside that I love so much. Then he led me to the shop that had the purses I loved so much last time we were out there buying bread. He said pick the one you like....and ha ha I ended up with 2! Both are handmade from Oxaca, one with embroidered flowers, the other a thicker material of bright colors. We walked all the way the shops (in my head I call it the walk of shame...cause you kinda gotta not look at anyone or they'll try to sell you something- altho' they try whether you look at them or not ha ha). There was a lot of people there, both cruise ships must of had people who wanted to come out. The vendors walk around with trays of tiny pina colodas giving them away free, and everyone wants you to visit their shop. Luckily we had a couple of bags so I could alternate with "no, gracias" and "ya compre" (I already bought one) It's nice to see that the place is busy. There's been some conflict with the vendors and the landowners and they were closed for a couple of weeks in Nov or early Dec, but they are up and running now.

Unfortunately it was low tide so the Bufadora (blow hole) was only offering small bursts, but the whole place has a nice ocean view (so I could keep watching for my elusive whales) and I always enjoying going out there. (ha ha we only been here3.5 months & I'm already using the word "always") I saw a guy and then later a woman painting scenes on plates with their fingers- I was really impressed. I think they sell them for $5. Cruise ships bring thousands of  foreign tourists so they show the prices in dollars (by foreign I mean the US & Canada). Ah well something for me to buy next time ha ha. Oooh maybe souvenir gifts when I go up to northern Ca...

Then we left and came back to our cliff spot. We stayed another hour or so, and I told Everardo it was ok if we didn't see the whales, maybe they just weren't coming by today.
Little fun fact:
Each year, around 26,000 gray whales (Eschrichtius robustus) make the 10,000 mile journey from the Arctic Sea south to Baja and back. In fact, the gray whale's trip is the longest migration undertaken by any mammal. 

Oh good I just looked up that fact.  A couple of guys stopped at our cliff and asked if we'd seen any whales. They had planned to take a boat out from Ensenada to go whale watching but a passerby told them the season was probly over and the boat would just take their money. Of course they can't guarantee you'll see a whale; like us today, they just weren't swimming by. But the article I just read said the season of their migration is the end of Dec thru March, so I'll probly have another chance. But it was a beautiful and fun day. We came home and I took a nap. When I got up Everardo was gone taking the dogs for a walk/swim. Now we just finished some nice soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and I would say that Valentine's Day was a success. (oh I gave him a lollipop that said "Te amo" and a tiny stuffed dog holding some red candies. Hazel has torn apart the stuffed animals we had from other holidays...and I didn't get chocolate, because then it would have been for me ha ha).

It's still nice out and a full moon to boot. so let's see the evening brings! Viva!

Oh- and what came to me after all that writing I did last nite.....unconditional love, I need to practice it, I need to recognize where/when it's needed. (answer- almost always)........

Spirituality....well mine anyway

So this post is kinda dear diary, I need to get out what's in my mind and how I've been dealing with it. I am so so so so happy about where we moved to; where we are right now. This is the smallest place I've ever lived in, including when I first moved out from home at 18 into a house with 3 other women and I had the old sun porch (I guess you'd call it) as my bedroom. But being next to the ocean is great! We are not facing the ocean; there's another house before the beach, but I think I shared already that it's a one room studio on stilts (ok cement posts) so it's only on the second floor. But out our backside is a covered garage with a big old beat up van that I think says "Mobile windshield wipers" or something like that. So the breeze off the surf does not blow right into us like in Playa Ventura. Well and this is also a bay, so there are not huge crashing waves, but I noticed yesterday at 5PM driving the truck into the sun, that the windshield needed to be cleaned from the - well it's like soot only from salty spray.

But the important thing here is that I get up, pee & brush my teeth, get a cup of coffee and walk out to the top of the path down to the beach. The dogs know now that this is my ritual. They are giving me big eyes every morning as soon as I emerge from the bedroom and signalling me " now? now? are we going now? how about now?" etc etc etc

Don't get me wrong, I love the place, too. It's really starting to look homey. The painting is closer to done than not, most of the artwork is up, family photos have their own wall. We shopped in the segundas and found furniture that fits us. It's all good. Oh the dogs don't have to be on leashes- ever! We do have a small yard and when we leave, we close the gate, and during the nite we have the gate closed, but they have the run of the area. They stay close; Sam is teaching Hazel not to wander too far. They are so happy, in the mornings when Sam is tired from chasing the ball down to the beach he just lays down with it but his tail keeps on waggin'.

And that's what I mean- it's all good! I feel good, I'm happy. not stressing over anything (wow is that true?) and it just feels right here. Now of course I do have things that get to me, that cause stress. My younger daughter for instance; her not communicating with me in any form- phone, email, facebook msg, telepathy...nothing. This hurts me, breaks my heart, but the truth is, this is old news. OLD NEWS. As in years! So why do I continue to get resentments, to be hurt, to be angry, to try to justify things? The only person affected by all this negative emotion is me. Negatively. I have been working on acceptance for along time now, well over a year. Not just of her, but of life around me, the things I cannot change, yeah the serenity prayer right? The only thing I can change is my attitude. I have a younger sister who also basically ignores me and in learning to let that go I think it's helping me with my kid.

Down in Playa Ventura I talked to the universe every day sitting on my rock at the edge of the ocean. In those 6 months my spiritual connection really grew, strengthened. I learned to ask for guidance, and you know what? IT WORKS!! I could be centered, completely at one with myself and the universe...even if it was only for those few minutes I was out on my rock. I became a spiritual person as a result of becoming a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact I am days away from my 13th sobriety birthday. But 13 years ago when I came into the program I had no spirituality, and the God I grew up with was not one I believed in anymore. Well in the 12 steps you are asked to concede that maybe (just maybe) there's a power greater than yourself. Please! As I talked about it with a woman who helped me thru the steps, I came to see just how many things were a power greater than me ha ha.....electricity, science, my boss...the point is to see that we are not alone, and that maybe with help we could begin to recover. For me, at first an AA meeting I was in was my higher power. When I was with them, I didn't drink. I started to feel connected to them. Then slowly, over time I began to see I was connected to people out side the meetings rooms. Then I could see how I was connected to all living things, and then added in everything, wind, the sun, etc. This took a long time, but it was continuous growth for me. I know I am connected to everyone and everything and I strive to make my contribution positive. I don't understand how the connection works or "what it means" and that's ok too. I just know how I feel when I do the right thing for the right reason. The steps also invite you to take a personal inventory of yourself, then decide what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind. Much of what I wanted (and still want) to leave behind is emotions. These are my character defects. Fear, anger, selfishness, resentment, pettiness, etc. Did I say fear?

For me, when I look, really look at something that I'm angry about, or resentful about, I can always trace it back to fear. Every negative emotion I have I can trace back to fear. Fear that I won't get something I believe I need, or want. Fear that you won't love me. Fear that I really am bad....It's always fear of something. So...I do not want to have fear in my life (other than healthy fear like swimming with sharks or touching a hot stove). So when I am on my rock, or now when I am sitting in my chair looking at the ocean, I try to feel what's going on with me. How did my day go yesterday? Was I mad at anyone or about anything? Was I selfish? Did I snap at my husband or was I mean to my doggys? I need to make amends for those things, but I need to look inside myself and ask why was I like that? What's going on?

When I sit down with my coffee I say a prayer I made up 13 years ago. At the end of most of the AA meetings they stand up and say the "Our Father" (I like the meetings that recite the serenity prayer), but after a while I started reciting the Our Father because I was being "a part of". The group said it together so I said it. But it means nothing to me. Zero. When I was a kid we went to the Catholic church and I probly said that prayer a million times. So it became rote. Like " la la la la la la la la la" Well I needed something, so I thought about the words and I made up my own words for what I thought the prayer was about. I still say that prayer every day. Sometimes it helps me fall asleep. In Playa Ventura, on my rock, I would say the prayer out loud (oh all my rock and chair talking to the universe it out loud. I need to say the words out loud.) So I would say the words, and then just pick a line and sort of talk about it. It would help me to see how I was feeling. One of the lines is "Pls give me each day my spiritual nourishment"...and some days I can see that my spiritual nourishment is everywhere. It's at my feet, it's in the fresh air, in my husband's eyes, in my daughters voices. Then I can be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I have gotten better at this knowing of myself and most days I say the words but already have an idea about what I need to talk about.

So I have been doing it here, just for the past 16 days, every day since we've been in this house. I did walk along with the dogs on the beach and talk to the universe at the other house here, but not consistently, not in a special place. In Penasco I mostly did it in the car. Sometimes in the park when I took Sam down there, and that was peaceful. But this place, it clicked immediately that this place had a special place, and so it began again. I know now, in a BIG way, that no matter where we are- meaning if/when we ever move from here- I MUST find a place that it feels right to have my conversations on a regular basis with my higher power, with the universe. The change in me is HUGE HUGE HUGE...and Everardo can see I am happy, much more serene....well to be fair the past 3 months had been a weird nightmare of being in the area we wanted, but totally in the wrong (read: evil) spot. But I am calmer, and I have been asking for guidance....and getting it. I can talk about anything and explore way out there ideas and somehow come back to center after awhile. Sam & Hazel are close, I have a ball chucker and I can throw the ball down onto the beach and they chase, and sniff and explore. I have my coffee and my binoculars, and I sit..

A couple of days ago I concentrated on a line of my prayer, and I don't think I ever thought about this one before. It's the last line and it goes " Pls guide my path that I might always walk in the sunlight of the spirit" What does that mean? I always ask for guidance with my problems, but what is walk in sunlight of the spirit? Yeah I made up the prayer but I did not make up those words 'sunlight of the spirit'....So I started talking about how would I do that walk. And I came up with well I would be free of resentment, of anger, of fear. Ha! I'm back to acceptance. Where my sister is concerned it's a little easier but still hurt a little. But I do know it's on me for continuing to try and then to continue to be resentful or hurt. She is who she is, and actually, what she thinks is not my business. I have to do what's right for me. And if I want to keep reaching out, then I cannot be married to the results. Wanting to reach out is for me. The reply or non reply is on her. And again, not my business.

With my daughter is a little harder. But it shouldn't be. She's an adult. She'll be 21 in a couple of months. What she thinks is not my business. But it really hurts, I mean can just drag me down into a hole. But it has been this way for years- probly 7 or 8 years, since I divorced her dad. She always chose him. He's a good man, but he spoiled her and as far a I know, continues to spoil her and it's really not good for her. So I stood up for what I believed is right, and sometimes think- yeah and now you don't even know your daughter. OK no more regrets- that's for sure. I cannot change anything that's happened in the past. I know I did the best I could. And when I'm with her, she loves me, we have closeness, the love of a mother and child. The kind I have all the time with my older daughter, Drewy. I miss them for different reasons. Drewy I miss because we talk almost every day. On the phone and on facebook private msg. I know what's going on with her life and she knows about mine. So I miss hugging her and breathing her in. Halla I miss because I don't know her. I love her. I know she's smart and funny and passionate and strong. But I know nothing about how she feels, how is school? your job? the new place you moved into with your dad and his new wife? Ouch how quickly I start to feel sorry for myself! The resentment!! This is what I have to let go of to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. I love my child and that's it. When she wants to have a relationship with me I will be here. I had been anxting about her only calling me to ask for something...and you know what? Why am I worrying, being resentful (like I don't even hear from you until you want something), why am I future tripping? If something like that happens I can deal with it then. And that's another big thing for me. It's ok to think things over. I don't have to have an answer for things, to anyone, right that second. I can always take time to think about how I feel.

So I'm excited about thinking about how all these things seem to circle around and meet back up with each other. All the negative things have a circle and all the positive things have a circle. I wish both my daughters would come visit me, both of them, and probly only Drewy will come. It's funny, we're so close now...a long day's drive, ok day and a half.....It feels good to have gotten all this out, not sure how much sense it made, but it's kinda like when I talk out loud to the universe, I feel better.

So- Poppi wants to watch that movie "12 Years a Slave" so gotta go. Viva