Letting go of the first place we lived in Mexico...& photos...and something new

I can't believe I didn't realize how to post pictures to my blog from the beginning! I'm sure it would have brought it all to life much better than my meager words, but it is what it is, right? So I thought I'd go back a little and post some pictures of our house down south in Guerrero. It's about a 2 hour drive south of Acapulco, along the coast. When we visited a couple of months ago, it took a little longer because the road had been washed out- and been that way for months. We're hoping this will be the year we sell it; ha ha I went to a New Year's special ceremony where we wrote down what we want to manifest in 2015 and mine was to sell this house! Well not ha ha maybe. I wrote some other stuff as well because that felt so materialistic....

If we sell that house, then we are open for other options. It does not mean as soon as we sell we'll go back to the United States. It does mean however, if we wanted to, we could. Right now, to go back means we have to work- probably full time. If we wait a few years, I'll turn 62 and can collect my social security as well as the rent we get from the Calif house...in that case, we would again have options; maybe just one of us working, maybe both of us part time, maybe neither of us depending on where we move to. Selling the Mexico house gives us more financial options. I like options. I also realize I have to figure out how to get that money back into the U.S without paying taxes on it again. I already paid taxes on it when I first earned it, so why should I pay again? Nobody asked me anything when I took the money out of the bank and sent it to Mexico to buy the house, but if we just move it back...well you know- the tax man will want to be involved. I say screw that! So I have some reading/research to do to understand our options around that. Even if we stay in Mexico we want to move most of the money from the house sale back to the states- I think anyway. Yeah glad I wrote this because I need to do some homework.Ok here's some photos, then more discussion:

Ok so there's a bunch of pictures of where we lived. You can't see the heat...the fact that we didn't care that we didn't have hot water. That when it rains you don't mind because it still doesn't get cold...and now the road is paved so mud does not flow down your driveway to the patio! Oh man our first week in that house, after driving at least 12 hours a day for a week to get there, and the tail end of a hurricane hits...mud is pouring down the driveway and Everardo is up on the road shoveling like a mad man trying to dig a ditch so the mud and rain will run off down the side of the road and not into our yard. Luckily it just came down to the patio - which was our dining room. The kitchen was separated from the rest of the house by the patio, and that's where the table was.

Oh but right thru that gate to the beach, our beach...see those rocks? That's my rock, my place I sat for hours on end, watching the waves, talking to the universe, enhancing my spirituality, asking for guidance. I could sit there for hours- the ocean was so amazing there- how the waves hit the rocks, watching little crabs crawl around the rocks below me. Ok actually the ocean is amazing everywhere, but I sit mesmerized at the beach outside this house as well. It's different of course; this is a bay, so no big waves crashing, but seals and dolphins playing, the pelican conventions...hmmm pictures of that next post ok?

Yeah so when we sell, I like to have options. I'd like to take a trip- not an expensive trip...but somewhere maybe that Everardo has never been....He says he has no great desire to travel, but maybe it's because he hasn't had the opportunity. I think I posted once about his cousin who has the timeshare for 4 weeks a year to go anywhere! Anywhere! In the world! And she's never gone! They've had for like 15 years..I told her we should go, we need to go, we MUST go somewhere! He husband was laughing and said yeah let's! So maybe something with them. If we only had to pay airfare and food...well ok everything but lodging....I'd love to go somewhere I've never been but am happy to let them choose. I think she said somewhere in South America like Venezuela maybe- yep I'm up for that- never been anywhere in South America. Oh! I need to email my old Spanish teacher- he would tell me these stories in Spanish and one was about these people that lived on a lake high in some mountains...but I forget which country. The people actually live on the lake, in these canoes and I just remember being amazed. Some day I really want to go to Italy, in Rome I think, to see the Bridge of the Last Sigh. I just love that!

From Wikipedia:
The Bridge of Sighs (Italian: Ponte dei Sospiri) is a bridge located in Venice, northern Italy. The enclosed bridge is made of white limestone and has windows with stone bars. It passes over the Rio di Palazzo and connects the New Prison (Prigioni Nuove) to the interrogation rooms in the Doge's Palace. It was designed by Antonio Contino (whose uncle Antonio da Ponte had designed the Rialto Bridge) and was built in 1600.
The view from the Bridge of Sighs was the last view of Venice that convicts saw before their imprisonment. The bridge name, given by Lord Byron in the 19th century, comes from the suggestion that prisoners would sigh at their final view of beautiful Venice through the window before being taken down to their cells.

But I will be happy to let them choose where we would go on a trip. And even if it's just me and Poppi, I want him to choose. But like I said, that's just a small adventure, and the more I think about South America...hmmmmm

Options. Sell the house and stop taking money from the rent we collect every month. Stay in Mexico, maybe even stay in this little trailer. Ha ha glad Everardo never reads this! Our rent is sooo cheap here, $250 U.S. a month and we don't pay garbage or water. And we're right on the beach. Honestly I wouldn't mind paying a little more and having a nicer place. One without old faucets in the bathrooms that even steel wool can't get the sediment off of.....ok don't let me get started down this road right now. But having a little more income would help. Last week Everardo left on Monday morning for Puerto Penasco to register the car & truck. Here you don't just get new stickers every year- they give you new license plates- weird eh? In the states you just get a sticker with the month and year on it and then to renew you get new stickers every year. In Mexico, you get new license plates every year! Crazy eh? It's about a 7-8 hour drive and about half way, the car's engine blew. Goner. He had to pay a tow truck 2500 pesos to get it towed back here- actually that was a very good price....our mechanic here took a look, shook his head and said there's no hope. Arrgghh. Poppi thought he was going to have to go to Mexicali (about 4 hours away) to find a motor for a good price in a junkyard, but ended up finding one in Ensenada. The guy wanted about 10, 000 pesos for it and Everardo said no way I was already heading for Mexicali where I can get one for half that- and then the guy it to him for that much! Yippee. The point of this sad story is, it's always something. That money was for new license plates and to pay the property tax for the house down south. We simply cannot get ahead. So we had to pull more $$ from the states to cover. And April will be here in a blink of an eye and we'll have to pay property tax for the Calif house. So yeah, selling the Playa Ventura house is something that would be very good for us.

We got the gov't deed we needed and that will make it much easier to sell when the time comes. So options would be nice. Everardo is also thinking about renting a small space, whether a stall or a building or simply a spot, to sell his jewelry. The longer we're here the more informed any decision around that can be. The truth is living in the states is to be near my daughter Drew. I miss her so much. I do talk to her alot, at least a couple of times a week...I so love being a part of her and her family's life. But I want to hug her. I want us to be laughing around the dinner table. But I love it here, too. I can hardly wait for her to visit us here. To sit where I sit and watch the water, the pelicans, the sunsets, the clouds, our silly dogs romping...to see a coyote run across the road by the estuary, Hazel chasing a rabbit. She'll know why I love it here. Third time was a charm in this case. Playa Ventura was a great adventure but I didn't want to stay there in the tropics. Puerto Penasco was great for Everardo selling his wares, for me finding out I can teach.....but the weather killed me there as well- don't wanna live in the desert....here the weather is just right-hmmm does that make me Golidlocks? ha ha. I know I have another daughter, but we seemed to have slipped back to not much of a relationship. So in all honesty I don't miss her as much. I didn't see her when she lived 10 minutes away from me from age 13-19. We rarely talk now...just like this time last year ha ha. I have to let her go. To be here when and if she wants a relationship, but I found myself calling and calling with no answer, sending msg after msg and being ignored...not gonna do that again. It hurts me too much. I have to accept that right now she is busy with her own life. She's 21, hopefully when she gets a little older we can find each other. It's basically the same with Everardo's daughter. He was so excited when she contacted him...but he never hears from her either. So that is not a good reason to go back. So all in all, we want to go back to be in Drew's life, more than we are now...but I think we can wait- or at least not rush. We are not that far, and once she visits she will see how easy it is to visit.
So- options. Hopefully the house will sell this year. But I'm starting something new on Monday and very excited about it! Teaching English to adults, hopefully much like in Puerto Penasco. Today I kinda fixed up my classroom and will take some photos and post them here. A friend's daughter and her boyfriend have given me space in a small building they rented and I do not have to pay for it. This afternoon a wonderful lady lent me 2 long tables and some chairs! Yesterday I went with friends to the states and at the dollar store I got a couple of table cloths- in anticipation & lucky I was right! I also bought some posters with colors and shapes, long and short vowel sounds, etc that I put on the walls...it's all coming together! I made a flyer and took it to the ejido and they put it in their window. I don't know if I'm more worried that nobody will come or too many will come!!

I know I can do this. I was good at it in Penasco. This weekend I'll make some copies of some of the handouts I made from before...I'm going to have classes on Monday and Wed for an hour and a half in the late afternoon- different than Penasco where so many people had no jobs so we did it right after lunch. Here people have jobs, but in many cases shitty paying jobs and if they learn some English they can get something better, or maybe just make more where they are. I suspect I'll have more women than men because a few have asked me about it when I was out and about- at the consignment store and today while I was fixing up the room. The location is perfect. Right on the little main road. And maybe I'll get as many men; maybe they are working and so the start time (5:30pm) is just right.
Oh and it's free. Ok well I'll write more about this maybe tomorrow, or on Tuesday after my first class. Oooh maybe I'll have pictures of my first class- gotta find the camera! Ok viva!

The farm laborers camp experience

Yesterday I went with a group of people of whom I knew one, up in the hills near where I live, to a farm laborers camp to bring a party to the kids. Sounds nice, right? Hmmm. I will describe the group I was with in another post; I want this one to be just about the camp. We left the main road and followed a dirt road along the road for a minute and then twisted away and headed up into the hills. Luckily after the horrendous cold we've been having it was almost warm; I was wearing levis, a teeshirt and a red checked flannel. I took it off for about 5 minutes at one point but then slipped it back on. I think we got up there around 12:30, so I guess it was the warmest art of the day. I thought there was going to be around 100 people but I think there were maybe 100 women- maybe a few more, and closer to 200 kids, but hardly any men. At first I only saw one man, a very old man, but later saw only 4 or 5 men, and except for one of them, they did not come over near us or participate in any way. I had heard that they were working half day, and so had expected to see more men, but I did not. I also think that the people actually made up 2 camps and maybe some outlying buildings because I saw some kids lugging their loot over a small hill and saw some buildings (read shacks) in the distance. To use the word "camp" in my mind brings up images of something quite different than what I saw. The people were Indians, and most if not all were from Oaxaca. I wonder if they thought this was where they were going when they left the very southern mainland state of Oaxaca to come up here to northern Baja.

There were long cement buildings, 2 of them, meeting at one corner. Not too long, with walls maybe 10 feet high with side wall to separate but each space was maybe only 6 feet wide...but maybe 10 feet deep- I didn't see how far back they went. There was a couple of feet in, then a wood door of sorts, actually I saw at least one real door, but mostly planks. I heard some housed 20 people. So maybe 4 or 5 boxes on each side.

(Oh my God! That's the first time I ever inserted a photo in my blog! Aha! Now that I know how to do it I will....all the time)

Anyway there was no running water, no hot water, no electricity. The only cars you see came with us. There was water - just none inside. There is a low cement block off to the right of this photo where I saw women getting water, and washing clothes.

We were bringing a party to the kids. I don't know why or how they were chosen- I was just asked to help distribute things to some people in need so I said yes. We brought several "3 Kings cakes" and tons of juice boxes. We brought pinatas. We brought clothes and toys. We brought 50 lb bags of rice. We brought kid's mittens and knit hats.

They had a ball with the pinatas! We divided up smaller kids from bigger ones so we had 2 pinatas going at once. After that we handed out cake and juice- kids first then adults. The 3 kings cakes have a tiny doll in them (a baby Jesus I think). If you get the doll, then the significance is you will make the next party. Because my first job when we got there was to cut the cakes in as small pieces as we could, I saw that each cake had 3 or 4 or 5 dolls in it. They are made in a big ring, like a sticky coffee cake. Very doughy, some with fruit on top. I was amazed that there ended up being enough for everyone (hmmm little miracle maybe?). After the food a couple of activities went on. I was behind one van- the one with toys. We had girls in one line and boys in another...they were all very excited, and there seemed to be enough age appropriate toys to go around...some toys were little, some newer than others but we got them all handed out with just a little chaos. At another spot loads and loads of clothes came out in bags for the women to go thru. Not as many blankets as I would have like to see, but lots of jackets and sweaters and long pants. Oh I forgot- right before the food was the hats and mittens give away. I got to help with that as well. People were very happy to get those! They looked just like the ones I just bought for myself- I think they came from the same place, who had an after Christmas sale. It was all........well it was a good thing to do. I admit that at one point I had to take a little walk...I could not hold back tears and didn't want anyone to see me crying. These people were very proud and very humble at the same time. Bigger kids watched littler ones, adults were respected.
But it was hard. I had been complaining about being cold in the last week- those people would have thought my house was a luxury suite. I saw a tiny little girl, 2 or 3 yrs old, walking with her new pink mittens on and no shoes. Scraggly hair and a runny nose. She clutched tight to both the new toy she received and the cake she hadn't yet eaten. Near the end of our time there, women were lined up using anything they could find for a bag to get rice. Kids now were in little groups playing with new treasures, and men remained out of sight. My heart broke 100 times. My heart soared 99 at smiles, at hope, at laughter.
These people work 7 days a week. The kids don't go to school...I heard some because they have no birth certificates, many don't speak Spanish- they speak and Indian dialect. If a teacher is brought up in the hills to teach- well that takes them away from the work, which means less food for their tables. This is an organic farm that supply Trader Joe's in the U.S., and I think some other stores but I don't know which ones. Trader Joe's is very popular and famous for it's organic produce. Does anyone know the conditions in which it is grown? We always here about sweat shops in Asia or the far East....try Mexico people. If this farm does not supply what Trader Joe's wants they will simply go to another farm willing to do the work. It's a problem for everyone. What are the answers? I don't know. But I do know that something is wrong here.

Did these people come from Oaxaca to work on a farm, in complete poverty, no sanitation, ect? Were they coming north to try to go to the states? Were they simply looking for work anywhere- in Mexico? I know that the more agricultural states in Mexico have workers from southern states during the harvests. In Baja at least, something is always being grown. I don't know if it's the same in other states like Sinaloa which is a  huge agriculture state. Do they have dreams for more? What about the kids I saw that were in their teen years? What do they have to look forward to? Do they have dreams of something better? I also saw girls that looked about 14 with babies in their arms or in slings on their backs. I do think that one thing Mexico really really needs is birth control! Because I see young girls with babies everywhere. Not just in the poorer areas. I see such young parents, who have to work, so the grandparents bring up the kids...it's an interesting concept. I don't want to say I think it's just wrong- I am not the judge of this. Family is certainly important...gradparents living with their family is not such a bad thing...in the states we tend to pack them off to the old folks home. Ha ha in my case we had my mom move in with us for a few months- but she was not happy about it and I was not thrilled either! But luckily for her she could afford to go into a nearby assisted living place where she remained active- captain of the shuffleboard team and the residents board...but I think she was an exception. Anyway like I said- I am not the judge- I am just observing.

So it was a hard day, a beautiful day, a tragic day, an uplifting day...although by the end I was in despair and didn't have alot of hope for the future. As people we spend alot on war....but not too much on each other....

The "not the Z road" road & other things

Last week I was feeling kinda down, in a funk, but not this week. I exercised every day, went to the free exercise class the 2 days they had it, and decided to add in a second  workout with my elliptical. I did that twice...exhausting. But I will do 3 days next week, 20 minutes...and so on. Some days I do my morning workout and then not much physically the rest of the day ha ha. Being on my laptop, reading a book, utilizing the hammock (big ha ha), talking to a friend....not too physical, right? Oh before I get too far off the subject...I think that at least part of the reason for my "off" mood, was that I did not exercise and I did not stick to my new way of eating. I ate crap- stuff I haven't eaten in literally months....candy and treats...they were everywhere. And they've been everywhere for weeks- since about Halloween I think, maybe since always...but I had been making other choices- and feeling better for it. So I threw myself off. Then probably was mad at myself instead of just giving myself a break. Oh and then I acted selfishly with my husband, felt guilty and so mad at myself....yeah nice cycle right? And I did not go to any AA meetings either. Ha ha way to sabotage myself! The AA meetings are so great- I don't know what I'd do without them! I talk about how I feel. I listen to other people talk about how they feel. I hear about solutions. I remind myself or get reminded what kind of a life I want to lead. That's the cool thing about those steps- admit I am in control of nothing, realize I am not alone in my problems, my fears, my addictions, ect, decided to become a part of things. Take a hard look at myself, inside and out, decide what I want to let go of, and what I want to take with me going forward...and then try to do that, hopefully with some self respect and respect for others. I'm so lucky I have found a group to share in. Well and I share here as well. Sometimes I do figure things out in the middle of writing about them. I forget that this is actually a public forum....but then I can see my stats and see that there are a couple of people reading this. I love that somebody in Russia, somebody in China, Thailand, Germany, Ukraine reads this. Are they reading about a nutty American women in Mexico? Do I even write about Mexico anymore? I have been in Baja now over a year and it simply feels like my life...not some new place. And I change the subject in the middle of a paragraph ha ha. Like now. I started this wanting to just say I got over my funky bad mood of last week. That maybe not taking care of myself, physically and spiritually, was at least part of the problem.

So what was the title of this post about? The Z road. After a year I finally know what the Z road is. It is the part of the spit road that I live on that is paved. And if you follow it from the main road it does sort of form a "Z". But some years ago it was changed- part of it was blocked off so it doesn't resemble the curves of a Z anymore so I never got it. Now it comes straight down from the main road, unpaved, and then meets up with the paved portion. I do not know why they changed it, maybe for access to 2 camps that are up at that end close to the main road. Because of the weather, the rain, the unpaved portion is a disaster right now. I have always just called this the Spit road. Lots of people call it that, but it also gets called the Z road and the Not Z road. Well, on the facebook page for this area it is being discussed because it's such a mess. Potholes and lumps, huge puddles; there was even a pipe sticking up at a place near a big puddle that people were hitting and damaging rims and getting flat tires trying to avoid the hole (puddle). So someone posted the history of the road. How part of the Z got blocked off and the unpaved portion created. To do that, it crossed the estuary, which I did not know and they put in something like 17 feet deep of fill. Aha! So that's why it gets so messed up when it rains. 17 feet of fill? It was going to cost something like $70,000 USD to fix it right, which the gov't was not going to pay, so it got fixed like a band aid. Half ass. And it never got paved. Even the portion that is paved, when it rains pieces of it comes up, then this homeless guy goes around and fills the holes with dirt! Oh and a couple of months ago a couple of guys were filling the holes on the paved portion with cement- not asphalt....weird eh? The homeless guy, Jessie has made himself a little camp along the road- I think he's been there a couple of years at least, but the guy who owns the land where he was must have kicked him out because he moved across the road to the estuary side, which is federally owned. I always thought he probly dug the holes he fills, since he always puts a basket out asking for tips. Some days he's just so drunk he's laying on the side of the road...or lounging in some broken piece of furniture he dragged up like he's a king enjoying his kingdom. But now I realize he doesn't need to make the holes, at least in winter- the rain will do it. Hmmm but maybe he does it in summer.....I don't like him too much because last summer he was trying to charge these kids selling vegetables to come down the road. That pissed me off. These are young kids, maybe early teens dragging around baskets of fresh veges to sell in the hot sun. I've given them a ride before, and he's a jerk doing that. Otherwise I don't care too much- but I don't give him any money. It's so funny, I see some people writing about him on the fb page or in the email bulletin board and saying the poor man, or how they want to give him a birthday party and stuff...have they seen him drinking and stumbling around at 8am???

Anyway a guy who lives in a camp past us has a nice car and is trying to figure out how to get the road fixed. Actually there are quite a few nice cars out here, mostly in the camp part ours, a gated community where alot of people own their places vs alot of the camps people just rent. If they want to fix the road- yipee....but we are not contributing to the cause. Come fix our place first, then we might consider it ha ha. Trying to get things fixed is like pulling teeth. However that being said- Everardo is a good networker....he has made friends with the guy who manages the maintenance in this camp, and we got a new (new to us anyway) hot water heater in one day this week AND it worked right after it was installed! I had come home from exercising on the beach and was soaking wet with sweat while it's sooo cold outside and so needed to get right into a hot shower, and found out they were just taking ours out! It worked, it was just leaking. If only he had waited a half hour for me to finish- I was mad. I said- this is Mexico, this is camp 3!!! It's not gonna work the first time...and then....it did! Crap I had to apologize. Now I am very excited because he might get us new faucets in both bathrooms! In one you can't use the hot, and both are so corroded they look gross. I am ready to pay for it ourselves, but up to now we keep saying we are just renters- we are not paying to fix anything up in this old place. But this is month 12 in this trailer.....maybe we do live here...right? I would be very happy with new faucets.....

I finished putting away Christmas today; started yesterday. I always love putting it all out, but I also love it once it's all put away. We also got a tank for our space heater yesterday. Yipee. And it was a loan from Luis- the maintenance guy! We looked at the segundas the day before, but of course there are none, and had decided to buy a new one, but when Everardo went over to pay the rent he saw Luis and he hooked us up! He did say it was only a loan, to return it when we get one, and it was also full of propane. It's a 14 litre tank, bigger than the one we used in Penasco so we'll see how long it lasts. This week was just so cold. I tried using only blankets no sheets on the bed, but I still woke up shivering, breathing in the cold air hurt my nose....I got some mittens because my hands are cold all the time. (19 pesos...so about $1.05USD) and finally agreed to try sleeping in the living room on the couch which Everardo said was warmer than the bed. It's true the couch is warmer. Now we are really like camping ha ha- well in a cabin in the cold woods. Us and the dogs all sleeping together. But it's just too cold in here. If you take a shower in the morning (like after exercise) the towel is not dry the next day. My bones were aching. But we started using it yesterday and what a difference!! I am sooo happy- we don't have it on high, I am sitting on the couch and wearing sweat pants and a thermal shirt...but not wrapped in a blanket or anything. About an hour before sleep we'll crank it up to high, and then turn it all the way off. We shut the doors to the bedrooms, and last nite....well I slept like a baby....ahhhhh The weather is supposed to change starting tomorrow and warm up some, but I can only see out about a week, and sadly heard the freezing weather will be back....But Everardo thinks Luis will not ask for the tank back- and if he does we can always buy one. I'm glad for the better weather next week because Poppi is going over to Penasco to renew our license plates on Monday and might not make it back until Tuesday or even Wed depending on how it goes. Lonely and cold sucks so lonely and warm will be better for me and the doggies ha ha. It's much cheaper to simply renew the registration over there than to move it to Baja, however I think for my driver's license I'll just go ahead and renew it here. That's kinda fun- I have one from Guerrero and Sonora, and now I'll get one from BC. In Guerrero I paid 200 pesos I think, they took my picture and printed & laminated me a license on the spot. In Sonora it was weird, they tried to get more money from us and Everardo argued with them so they said I had to talk to the police chief. Ha ha he did not know why I was there, asked me how I liked Penasco, signed my paper and we left back to the lic place. They grudgingly gave me a license- oh and we had to supply the picture. Here I hear you have to take a written test but not driving...but it's in Spanish so you can have help.....so funny isn't it?

I'm waiting for my Calif license to come back. I had to send it to the social security office to get a new SS card to show to Covered Calif for Obamacare! They made the mistake and then I had to prove it's my SS number. So this is why they asked me to prove I am a legal citizen if the United States last summer....they had my SS # wrong. But SS said I had to send them my passport, not a copy but I said no way- I'm in Mexico so they said ok- your driver's license. Ha ha all this crazy paperwork. So now my renter sent it to our friend Tim who just moved back to Calif from here and is coming down in a couple of weeks. We collected his mail here for him and he'll bring ours when he comes. Kaiser changed whoever was doing their billing which was GREAT because they noticed I overpaid by 2 months- which I said way back in April, but had to keep paying, so I got credited for Dec & Jan. Oh and my premium went down $20 which is nice since I only go to the doctor once a year, right? I could get out of having insurance but chose to keep it. Oh don't get me started though- it's still such a big ripoff!!! The insurance companies are still raping people!!! I pay less but the gov't pays the rest. And the premium is WAY WAY higher than what I was paying before Obamacare. And the gov't is paying most of my premium!! I am eligible for it- I didn't manipulate it or anything, it's based on income, marital status, etc. They helped me sign up last year - but I still think it's messed up!! How do the same drugs cost pennies in Mexico? Seeing a doctor here is just a few dollars, procedures the same. In the United States it's just so bad, I thought Obamacare would be a good thing, and thought well it's not perfect but it's a start- but now it seems like it's not- not a start- the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies are still stealing us all blind!! Why does the gov't agree to do this??? Uh oh this is the naive me! I guess I know the answer, right? Whoops got carried away.
So tomorrow is the day I get to try to help distribute blankets and clothes....I will write about it. I hope the people we are trying to help had a way to stay warm this week...shit and I was complaining about being cold......ok well I think this is it for now. As always ....viva!

Humble pie anyone?

Last few days I had been in kind of a funk. I thought I was going to call this post "what the hell am I doing" ha ha but today changed it. We had this loveseat couch that is in very good shape, but jst too short, and a couple of weeks ago finally went down to the segundas and got a regular length couch, so this loveseat has been sitting outside on the porch. And I just hate inside furniture outside. Just one of those things ya know- a pet peeve.....Everardo kept saying he was going to take it down to the end of the spit road and sell it on the weekend, or at least put it in the shed, but it sat on the porch. It got rainy so he put a tarp over it, which was better ha ha. Ok so there's that. Then because it's so cold at nite we moved our bed away from under the window and against an inside wall. Well for about a foot from the wall out, there's no carpet and no flooring- just wood, like planks of wood- looked horrible and now I'm seeing it every day, when before the bed and the nightstand, etc covered it so I could ignore it. Now I see it all the time. Did I mention it's sooo cold in here at nite? I wear a hooded sweatshirt to bed and have lots of blankets. Our faucets are- well not rusty...I guess it's more like corroded...the metal has this white stuff on it that a brillo pad will not take off. It's on the 2 bathroom sinks. I hate that too. It's all the things I hated when I didn't want to move in here...but got used to I guess. But I am the type, when one thing goes wrong, I see everything as bad. I knew I was missing my daughters more because of Christmas, but I still missed them. Then my resentments around my younger daughter- I think I already wrote about the decorations she left at my ex husbands that to me were special and meant to be special for the family she will form. Then Everardo's daughter came to visit! She was going to her mother's family in Mexicali, but she wanted to meet her dad so she came to see us. That was wonderful. Except of course I anx'ted over the condition of our home and wanted it to be nicer.....He was also nervous.

He got to meet his grandson, who is a doll. A smart funny adorable kid. 9 years old. His mom was very nice as well, but of course it was a little weird, like having a guest you don't know very well, but in a very small environment so we were all together all the time. I tried to give them some time, and also tried to spend time with Oz, his grandson so Everardo and his daughter could get to know each other. They arrived about 10 at nite on Monday before Christmas and left late afternoon Christmas Eve. On Monday we went to Ensenada to get presents as well as immigration to find out about her getting dual citizenship. We didn't know what time they'd arrive and were nervous all day. Of course it all went fine...but not perfectly....of course. I know my husband wanted it to be perfect, wanted....well it was his child..and his grandchild. Nothing bad happened...just all the emotions that he went thru, and me as well, wanting him to be happy, etc. She's 30 years old after all. After they left he had alot of emotions. Some he didn't tell me about at first. He was filled with love, guilt, happiness, sadness, did I say guilt? I said the wrong things in some cases...some things I said he had already said himself, but when I said them he got mad. I am not as detailed here as I usually am because this is about his child and his life, and not sure what I should say or not say. So I guess I will try to just talk about my feelings. I should have kept some of my opinions to myself. I should have let him talk and talk and feel and think without offering advice or opinions. I could have been better. We are ok now...but yesterday we had an arguement and I left for a couple of hours. I took a drive and sat in the truck on a cliff overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours. I did some talking to the universe, I actually went thru all the store receipts I had in my purse for the budget we try to keep so we can see what we're doing...I even tried to read for a few minutes after I wasn't mad anymore.

We have come a long way as far as arguments go. We don't have too many these days, and now when we do, one of us usually takes a walk or a drive to give ourselves space for a little while, then later we can talk. But this time I let myself become overwhelmed. What am I doing in Mexico? I am in control of nothing. I don't pay the bills, I don't argue with the cable company or the telephone company when things go wrong. I am not as independent in many ways as I used to be. But actually in other ways I am!  I live in another country and figure out what I need and what I can get along without...which is alot ha ha! I am struggling with my weight loss...or lack of this month, I am not fluent in Spanish...and frustrated with trying to find a way or a place to be in service...even though now I've talked to a guy who says he can fix me up to teach English, and I found the women's rehab, but haven't been able to connect with anyone there yet either. So I think- what am I doing? I miss my daughters...so I got into a funk. I started thinking about going back to northern Calif. I even looked at Craigslist for jobs and rentals! But really? Working full time again???aarrgghh I don't want to do that! And rents are high, not to mention everything that goes with it....car insurance, electric bills, (which here both are soooo cheap). Dogs on leashes ha ha. Ok so all this is jus what I let into my head at once....a tempest in a teapot. I make myself miserable.  I feel guilty not living closer to my older daughter. I feel guilty that I don't miss the younger one as much- then that's a whole other story about feeling guilty that she chose not to be in my life while she was a teenager- should I have forced her? I believe that as she gets a little older we will have a relationship as close as with the older one, but is that really true? Am I jealous of her father? Yeah a little but what could I have done to compete with him? I did what I thought was right- and I still think was right...hmmm so why do I feel guilty if I think I was right? ha ha ha ha see what a mess I make in my head! I am so grateful for the relationship with Drewy my older one or I might think I am insane. ok ok enough!!

So this afternoon a couple of things happened. Everardo put a long strip of carpet over that exposed wood under the window in the bedroom. Wow small thing making a huge difference. Then the big thing happened. We took the loveseat that was on the porch and put it in the truck to give it away. We drove to the next town, went into an area we knew was struggling - I mean really struggling- and drove out this dirt road that got worse as we drove. The houses got smaller, some just shacks, and we saw this couple with a baby walking down the road. We gave them a ride home, which was really far, and gave them the couch. The road in some places was barely passable...I know in the rain impossible to get thru. Luckily we were in the truck and still bouncing around in the ruts. I saw a woman washing her dishes outside, and another family cooking outside. These people have no heat. I'm betting they have no hot water. They do not live near the beach. This was inland from us, then out in between some hills, some places on the hillsides, a couple of roads we were on I was actually kinda scared we'd slide off the road. But every day life was going on. Kids were playing outside, people were talking or hanging up laundry or cooking....I don't think they ever even had any of the choices I was thinking about....like where to live, where to work, carpeting....should I walk on the beach or by the estuary....I was so...humbled. I know all this. I've been living in Mexico more than 2 years. I know there are places like this in the US- maybe not as many...and maybe not the quiet desperation or resignation....(it pisses me off in the states because there's no good reason for people going hungry beyond greed and politics). But here in Mexico- there's just so much of it, and maybe I forgot, or maybe I am so self centered I stopped thinking about others. But maybe I will give myself a break because I am also doing the best I can....family dynamics like long lost children, my messed up relationship with my own daughter, the mess I made of the relationship with my ex who is my kid's father...see I am rambling because I am still mixed up- about everything. But this I know:

But this I know: I am so grateful for my life. For my little trailer on the beach, for my puppy dogs, for my amazing husband, for my daughters, for his daughters, for my big sister and brother and their spouses...even for my younger sister- who we don't speak to each other and right now she can bite me- but I'm sure it's a lesson for another day ha ha. Bottom line is I am still not sure about my decision to keep living here because of how much I miss my older daughter and being part of her family's life. But really- that's the only thing. Everything else is just birds in the air. I have a beautiful life. Yep it's cold...in EVERYBODY's house. I am blessed with warm blankets. Soon it will be warm again and I will not need anything besides my flip flops and tshirts...

I have a problem with the grass being greener on the other side. And honestly- the grass is perfect right here under my feet. I need to stick to my own plans. I made a year health commitment to myself which ends March 31. That has to do with the way I eat and exercise. Stick to it. We have a house in southern Mexico we are trying to sell and just came up with a new plan about that- give it some time. Let go of having to be fluent...maybe I will and maybe I won't. Go back and follow up on the leads I have for teaching and volunteering. I  joined the meditation group and the study of a particular book- finish it. Put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe I should go back to making a gratitude list every day. I am feeling much better. Partly from this writing. Partly from something else that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, but I am pretty anonymous here and nobody around here reads this. There was another reason for our drive to the next town this afternoon. Last week we bought some hooded jackets for kids...just a few, 5 of them. I told my daughters, and Everardo's daughter up north, oh and our renters, that instead of sending them Christmas gifts we would be giving a kid a warm jacket in their names. They all liked the idea very much. Well I wrapped them and then we didn't give them away until today. After we gave away the couch we were way out in the hills, and on the way back in we saw a woman washing dishes on the side of her house and we asked if she had any kids. Her husband came out with a little girl about 3 years old and we gave her a gift bag with a jacket in it. We asked them if they knew other families with little kids and they pointed. We said Feliz Navidad...and off we went. We found another family with 2 kids in the yard, we handed the bags and left, then another single child, then a yard with 2. The kids were all very excited to get a gift bad with candy canes hanging on them and garland wrapped around them...the parents smiled and we just said Feliz Navidad and drove away before they looked inside. Now on the way over there, something happened under the truck and the muffler got messed up so the truck was loud and covered in mud, so we fit in pretty good ha ha, and so when we stopped and handed out a bag, it was received with surprise so that was pretty cool. Ok honestly- IT WAS AWESOME!! We did not stick around and talk to anyone...we didn't want that, we just wanted to help in some small way...but actually I wish we woulda had 100 jackets and not just 5. Maybe next year. Maybe we when see stuff on sale thoughout the year we can collect it.

Of course there are groups who do this stuff here, they ask for donations and I am sure they help alot of people. We just didn't want to be part of something publicized...and Everardo thought that they probably went to the same places every year...maybe not- but we just decided to do something on our own. Now next Sunday I am invited by a woman I am getting to know who I like and respect, to help hand out winter supplies...I think like blankets in another area close to where we were today. I don't know who she's doing it with or how it works, but she said they needed help distributing the stuff. So I thanked her for asking me and I will go with her. I'll be sure and write about what happened afterwards.

Lastly I want to say the other thing that helps me feel better whenever I get "lost" is asking the universe for guidance. Now I know I've written about this before. Because way back when we first got to Mexico and I was feeling so isolated, so lost down south, I started asking for guidance and I started to feel better. When I put it out to the universe, praying I guess, I always feel better. I know the answers will come if I can be quiet and listen, if I stop trying to force myself to "know" what to do next. When I stop trying to control everything. I have been praying for a couple of days now, asking the universe to guide my path. I know I will be ok. 

So our Christmas was quiet. I got a nice warm bathrobe and a really soft thick blanket for watching tv or sitting here on my laptop. I gave him some shorts (brrrr) and some running shoes. The shoes are too small so I need to go back to the states to exchange them, and today I found someone who goes all the time! So I may get to go sometime and soon. Yipee cause I know he wants to start exercising at the start of the new year...and I want to buy some shoes for me. Since moving to Mexico my feet have gotten bigger- well at least wider, because I only wear flipflops almost year round, and tennis shoes for exercise, so all the shoes I brought with me are too tight. Crossing the border here sucks- which is really a shame since over in Penasco it takes about 3 minutes to cross and I never even thought about it here. But it's so crazy I am intimidated by it. I have crossed 3 times, twice for the airport and once for the shopping spree where I bought his shoes...and it's been different all 3 times. Once at Tecate which is easier, but you have to have a car because it's kinda nowhere, once walking in Tijuana and once driving in Tijuana and both of those were so chaotic. So many people. So to find someone who goes all the time and who is happy to go...well yipee. So maybe today was my lucky day after all....got humbled when I needed it, found a ride to the states, and have started to feel the relief that comes with asking for guidance. Well it's Sunday nite and tomorrow back to my exercise/eating regiment (which I kinda blew off this week for the first time since I started in April) and remembering our plans. I think if I talk to the universe every day, exercise, eat right, and am grateful...I will leave 2014 in very good shape...physically, mentally and spiritually...and really, what else could I possibly ask for? Viva!

Here I am writing again- 3 days in a row. Weather report.....rainy and cold. Well the painful cold has been at nite, but last nite I didn't shiver all nite...am I just assimilating? That would be awesome ha ha, but maybe it just wasn't as cold since it was raining so much. Living on dirt roads for the 3rd winter in a row. I went to an AA meeting late this afternoon, and it was dark when I left home. Some idiot had their high beams on and didn't turn them down so as I crawled by them I hit a big mud puddle that shot mud onto my windshield. That sucked- I couldn't use the wipers cause I'm pretty sure there's no water in the wiper wells so I would have just smeared the mud and not been able to drive any further, so I drove with my neck all twisty to see thru the drops ha ha. Lucklily it's not far and nobody else killed me with their high beams. I tell you though- in Mexico people drive with their damn high beams all the time! Sometimes it's because they don't have low beams, so I don't usually flick my on and off...

I tell you- in Mexico cars are on the road in all kinds of disrepair ha ha. Lights missing or out, lots of cars with no brake lights so you really really gotta watch close. People have no license plates, no bumpers, bad exhaust, crazy tires...sometimes it's funny...more often just scary. I hate driving in Ensenada. The whole make a left turn lane right at the light because you don't want to wait in line, and how extra cars go even after the light is red. I do like how the green light blinks 3 times before it goes to yellow...you see people speeding up or slowing down. But I do drive in Ensenada. And I drove in Penasco...which is more of a town than a city. Ensenada is big, but spread out. I would be very uncomfortable driving in Acapulco, Morelia, Guadalajara....and that's nothing to do with dirt roads, that's all about crazy traffic.

I did my exercise routine inside when it rained, but today it cleared up while I was doing weights so I went back to the beach to dance. The sun came out and the wind blew all the clouds away....for now. Huge puddles in the road, and for some reason the rain eats away the road and it's filled with all the crazy hole. Yes big puddles, but also all these small deeper holes that jar your bones when you hit them. I went to my meditation group this afternoon and it was at the beginning of the spit road- and we live at the end. The view was about the same as here, but the guy who lives there was saying it gets packed with people on the beach outside his house during the summer and any holidays, and down here it's almost always empty, just a few here and there walking, or surfers in the distance. I like our end better, the beach feels private even though it's a public beach. Everardo found a small leak in the roof over the spare bedroom and fixed it for now, but it needs a better fix, which the owners have said will get done but supposedly they are going to be fixing a bunch of houses here, and we are "just the trailer"....he's gonna have to stay on them to get it done. Not sure but I think the rain is gone for at least a few days. I hope to go back to that rehab place to see if I can get involved with them.


Well Everardo is still very happy about his daughter contacting him and they talked some more today. He also showed up with a mysterious already wrapped big box and the card says...for the owner of my heart........mmmm I like that ha ha. I can't believe Christmas is in a week. I am not going to the states tomorrow or anytime before Christmas and that's ok- has to be, right? We'll go to Ensenada and get some sweaters/jackets to give out and the dogs bones will have to wait. But Friday nite my friend Jan and her husband are having an open house that I think we will enjoy...she is an amazing cook and today when I called her she was making a carmel dip for apple slices and said she was going to make Christmas cookies just for me. Yeah....gonna have to try a couple I think. Wow- a couple of days ago I was in a funk, and now am simply content. I'm exercising, eating right, learning to meditate, trying to be aware....I was at first depressed when I saw I want the same things for next year that I wanted for this year....but I realized that I am further down the path....today I thought about it more and it's true. We are always changing...and living in Mexico has just helped me to see things about myself, and the world that I might not have seen or as quickly (?) I feel like I know myself better, and am ok with it. Some little things some bigger things..for me anyway. The only problem is that I continue to miss my daughters. Drewy more than anything. I think I said before, the younger one has not time for me anyway...and I think that's just her age. Everardo's younger daughter, who has only been in contact with him for 2 years, is too busy for him, too! It's the age. But I miss Drewy so much, every day. I love talking to her about whatever they're doing. I love to see her beautiful face in picture on Facebook. For all the crap on facebook- I gotta love it....my husband's long lost daughter found him! A couple of women I went to high school with I am now in contact with mean alot to me, and a few others that it's just nice to see what they are doing. I see my family...my older sister who does not "do" facebook goes on mine to see pics every so often. I chat with people when the phone is not convenient....etc etc etc. Anyway sometimes I wish I was closer so I could babysit Danica....or Cookie their 1 yr old huge dog. I laugh to myself when I think of us trying to find a place to rent and know it won't be like renting a place here.

This place had no knobs on the cabinets or hooks for the curtains...the last place had no fridge. Lots of places have no stove...they have no heat...you have to buy a propane portable if you want heat. Some have no hot water heaters. Well and everywhere you of course have to bring drinking water to, and may need to truck in shower/toilet water. Ha ha I never knew how good we had it in the states! We have no plans to go back anytime soon. But when we do I hope the plan is still northern Calif. I want to be near my daughters. Maybe no more than a day away. Closer would be better; like to be able to babysit, or have dinner...but rents are sooo expensive....ouch I soooooo don't want to go back to work....but maybe I will, maybe I will....part time would probably be enough. Will the new me stay the new me when we go back?? ha ha in some ways yes of course...the bigger changes in me. But will I be able to stay out of trouble...meaning getting involved in things that are not my business, like a big part of my children's lives ha ha?? Thoughts for another day I think. Now I'm gonna sit back and watch the patterns the blinking lights make on my tree. Viva

It's a Christmas miracle!!!

Yes it is truly a Christmas miracle! But in my way, I always have to go back a few steps before I go forward. I'm so glad I wrote last nite. Ha ha for anyone who read it, it was probly a bore because it was me trying to figure out how I felt about a lot of things. It always starts out with just one small feeling or thought, but then that feeling or thought is of course, connected to another emotion and then I'm off to the races. I needed it write it out though. I was kind of in a funk, thinking about my path and not seeing my progress only m failures. Yeah and I got a lot of those all right, but I also have success. Awareness is success for me, is progress. Being able to identify how I feel is progress, and sometimes what works is thinking things thru, sometimes I need more- to talk it thru- but sometimes writing it out is what works for me. I felt so much better last nite when I closed down my laptop. I felt hope...and tried to remember that if I do the best I can, and really remember that what other people think and do is not my business ha ha I do better. So it's ok that I still need to work on the same stuff...acceptance, forgiveness, letting go of judgement and resentments. Anyway I felt good when I put on my sweat pants and sweat shirt to go to bed ha ha!! Yeah last nite I slept in sweats, and at first my knit hat and sweatshirt hood, socks and slippers; I did wake up in the middle of the nite and take off the knit hat...but I was warm.

I still felt like I was catching a cold when I woke up though. I felt it all day yesterday..a little headache just on one side, it felt like it came from my head being cold in bed the nite before. Everardo didn't want me to exercise this morning because it's gray and sprinkly outside. But you know what, yesterday I was in a funk. Part of it was that I have been the same weight since Dec 2, and then I only dropped a pound or two thru all of November. I felt stuck and frustrated. I have been exercising and eating right all these months...I recently changed up my exercise routine to try to get myself going....but hadn't seen any changes. Yeah you're thinking I lost weight so that's the Christmas miracle right? ar ar ar ar!! Nope! Well actually I did lose 2 pounds so yes I was happy this morning. I went out all bundled up and did my zumba/rock routine down on the beach- I was gonna do it right in front of the house where there's some flat ground, so if it really started raining  I could duck inside for a hot shower, but it was warmer outside than inside so I went down to the beach instead. It just sprinkled a little so I did the whole hour. Then in for a long hot shower, my protein shake and an aspirin. My head didn't hurt but I'm stuffy and I don't want the cold to get me. When I was reading my blog from this time last year I saw I was really sick....but I wasn't exercising or eating right so I think I can head this one off.

A couple of weeks ago we had a couple of pills left from a few different kinds of cold medicine but Everardo was sick and he took all of it except one that dissolves in a glass of water and one that's a tea. I'll try one of them tonite, but you know what? I believe in the power of chicken soup. Chicken noodle to be more specific, but try to find THAT around here- ha ha no way! But we do have some chicken bullion cubes so I had that with saltine crackers....and I also believe that mindset is part of it- if I believe that will relieve my symptoms, then it will. Mexico has as many cold remedies as the U.S., it's just hard to read all the labels ha ha. Grippa is a cold, and there's a pill in a red box called Grippa and I like those but I gave the last 2 to Everardo. He'll probly make chicken soup later. But I was just feeling so much more positive today, and exercising always gives me that feeling of well being- yeah I know- the endorphins....bring 'em on!

It's funny a month ago we were down south, where it never gets as cold as it is right now- and I need to remember that I grew to miss being cold, that I longed for the climate of northern Calif....ok so now we got it. I'm pulling out sweat shirts and pants and socks ha ha. And this is just the beginning of winter.

Ok so now for the Christmas miracle...and it's not mine. Everardo has a daughter he hasn't seen since she was a baby, 30 years ago. She has never met him. She found him on facebook!!! Just an hour ago! Her name is Mary Ann. And he has a grandson! 9 years old. She wants to come and visit us over Christmas! She lives in Oregon and is thinking about moving back to California. As it turns out she was actually in Ensenada last June; she has an aunt & uncle building a house there...so about a half hour from us. They chatted on facebook for a little while and then he asked her if she wanted to talk on the phone. She did! I talked to her, too and she told me she has been looking for him for years! He told he that he was not a good man back in 1984 and her mother was right to not want him around. He did try to find out about her over the years but the mom did not want him to know her or anything about her. He respected that, but still thought and talked about her. 2 years ago when we first came to Mexico his other ex contacted him and he met his now about to be 18 year old daughter, Elena. She lives near where we lived in Calif and I have wondered about her timing of contacting us after we moved away.....She still lives at home of course, and has her own busy life. She has kind of hinted that after she turns 18 she might want to meet him. I met her when I went up there, she's a very sweet girl, and my daughter has reached out to her a few times, but we're just not sure what or how Elena feels. But this young woman, she is 30 years old and wants to meet him. I read on her facebook after we all talked on the phone and she had written how she just found her bio dad and was feeling very emotional....then she reached out to him and now she's trying to plan to come down over Christmas. I was crying (of course ha ha). He is very happy...but he keeps his emotions inside...if I wait, and don't push, which is very hard for me....he will open up little by little. The funny thing is, she found him because he had her baby picture on his facebook and she has the same picture. She told me she has been searching facebook about every 6 months for 5 or 6 years looking for him! I told her he's had facebook for about 4 years...but since I've known him he has always talked about her. Her mother was very close friends with one of his cousins, that's how they met, but when they broke up, the 2 women also stopped seeing each other. I suspect the mother asked his cousin not to pass along any infor regarding her or her daughter.

Hmmm what will come next? She told me she's fluent in Spanish! Man everyone but me ha ha! Everardo can't believe he's a grandpa. Who knows maybe we'll go back before 5 years....I guess I won't die if I have to go back to work- it's so weird I dreamed last nite that I got a job...it must have been a manufacturing company because what I remember about the dream was I was asking about their product structure...bills of materials...marketing part numbers....aarrgghhh! If we lived in northern Calif we'd be so much closer to Portland Oregon....I don't know what's going to happen but I think about being near Danica as she grows up, even though she has grandmas and grandpas already, but she's the new daughter of my daughter..., and if Drew ever tells me she pregnant- or Halla although I hope not to hear those words from her for a long time- she's way way way too young to have a baby...but if Drewy was pregnant...well I would want to go back. So I am just writing down my thoughts as they come again! But at least they are happy thoughts!!! Boy we are a family of girls! 2 daughters for me and 2 for him.

So.......I'm so happy. I feel good sticking to my exercise...Poppi is making our afternoon juice right now....so I'm sticking to eating right as well. The couple of Christmas events we're attending will be hard...well only if my trigger foods- the ones that remind me of when I was kid. My mom always made so many kinds of Christmas cookies...sugar cookies of course, but she used green dye when she made the tiny green Christmas trees and decorated them with these little silver balls...and she made these other ones...what were they called? They were round and had nuts- walnut pieces in them and rolled in powdered sugar...Mexican wedding cakes! If I saw those I'd be in trouble, but fruitcake  ha ha yuck, or other kinds of cookies or even candy canes...don't bother me a bit. In fact I have 2 boxes of small candy canes to put on the tree on Christmas Eve and haven't thought once about eating any of them. Yeah growing up, and then as my kids were growing up, Santa would put the candy canes on the tree when he came. I'm gonna try to call Drewy tonite and tell her she has another step sister and this one is closer to her age. I know she wishes she had more family, or at least that the family she has was closer. I guess that's the dysfunction on my side (ha ha the ONLY one??) that we are not close...and right now even her little sister doesn't show up for much, and Elena even less. She has friends with big families and she misses it. When she was little there was a family down the street who had something like 7 sisters and Drew loved loved going down to play at their house- she didn't care with which kid; she liked the chaos. Funny thing was, the oldest sister who was a couple of years older than Drewy loved loved to come to our house, even when Drewy wasn't home, to just sit in the quiet...she was amazed just Drewy and I lived there and loved how calm and quiet it was. Grass is always greener eh?

Anyway.......wonderful day today...lost a couple of pounds and found a daughter. Thanx universe!! Viva
 I need to contact my friend and see if we're going to the states on Thurs...hmm maybe I can do it right now...hold on...well she's not online right now....I'm so happy for my husband...yes he keeps his emotions inside, but I can tell he is very happy right now. He's so cute.

Always striving for something....hmmmm...acceptance...unconditonal love...results in serenity...

Zipped past my birthday and heading for Christmas. Man it's cold at nite in this little trailer. Yesterday we moved the bed to the opposite wall - an inside wall in an attempt to escape some of the cold nite air I think sneaks thru the window pane and the paper thin wall. I think it was a little warmer, but now we sleep in thermals and/or sweats. A hooded sweatshirt for sure and snuggle way down inside the covers. And this is the beginning of winter ha ha. We may have to buy a small propane tank for the little heater we bought in Penasco for the same reason. We would run it for a couple of hours at nite & then turn it off when we went to bed. You can't run it all nite for a couple of reasons- one is that the propane would run out in less than 3 days, the other is we would asphyxiate it it ran all nite. Anyway my birthday was nice...flowers, a massage and bbq'd ribs. The bbq was a big deal because we haven't bbq'd anything since....maybe since we came to Mexico! A friend moved at the end of November and gave us a little bbq...so the ribs for my birthday was the first attempt...and man oh man they were soooo good! Both daughters sang happy birthday to me, and I got an email from both my brother and his wife and a phone call from my big sister the day before- so yeah as birthdays go it was A1!

We put up our Christmas tree and I set up the manger scene I got from my mom. I love unwrapping each piece and putting them out. I loved watching my mom do it when we were kids, up high on the top of the piano....and then pointing out the familiar figures. A few years ago when I visited my sister and brother in law in Paris I saw pieces of the set in a store window; the pieces come from France. I don't know if there are any pieces to add but I could replace if I needed to; I looked them up online and found a place I can order from. When my girls were little we'd go to Grandma's and look at it, and point out the robber, the guy with the bear...how tiny the little chickens were...we'd talk about it. Then back when my mom had to move into assisted living, she passed the set to me. I am so blessed to be the kid who got to take it.....and my younger daughter was still pretty young and in awe just as I was to unwrap and set up the scene. Drew, my older daughter loved it as well. It's a Christmas tradition that has been a part of my Christmas my entire life. I may have written last Christmas or the first year of this blog the story of how my dad brought my mom the first pieces back from France when they were first married and then added to it. If my brother or big sister read this, maybe they can clarify that for me- it must have been when they were first married, right? When Dad came home from the army? Was it in the 40's? My brother was born in 1950- was it started before you came into the picture big brother? I think when we move back to the states I will have to think about passing the set to my daughter. Will she have a baby or will it just be Danica? The truth is, if I was to pass it on anytime in the near future it would be to my older daughter. The younger one is.....well...young. Traditions, family traditions, family keepsakes/treasures are not a priority to her right now. I am trying to understand that, accept that...I guess if the older one was only 21 yrs old I wouldn't consider giving it to her either. But I know that it would mean the world to her right now. She is like me, loves family and the bits and pieces that are our memories. I know the other one will get there...growing up takes time right?

Anyway it's pretty Christmasy around here. We went to a Christmas open house last Saturday and going to another on this Saturday. I went to the states for a day for some Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and that was fun. I got Everardo 2 pairs of tennis shoes- one pair I gave him when I got home; they're for every day and he needed them. The other pair is some very fancy running shoes and they are wrapped and under the tree. He's a runner, and especially out here, you need good shoes for it. I also got him some shorts and then just a couple of little things; tools/blades for making jewelry  and a special magnifying glass with a little mount to see when he's doing his jewelry thing ha ha! But that's about it- as he says- we have everything we need, and when we don't, we get it. So we don't buy a bunch of expensive stuff just to be getting it for Christmas....I'm actually going back up- maybe- this Thursday and need to get the dogs a big box of the bones I brought them back the first time...then their Christmas will be covered to ha ha. I did go online for presents for my granddaughter and her brother...and some really small silly stuff for the kids, but we decided to make donations in their names instead of buying bigger gifts. When I'm up there I plan to buy some sweaters or jackets, or maybe pajamas, not sure what actually, but to give away. There are some groups here doing it for the local school and other areas, but Everardo wants us to simply go for a drive and give the stuff away. And not tell anyone about it. Oooops  I guess I'm telling here, but  he means not on the local email bulletin board where I read about the other groups or telling at any functions we may attend. I'm good with that. We've already given away a trunk full of clothes and shoes from our closets; some stuff new, some slightly worn. I mean the next town over where he goes to the Spanish AA meetings has lots and lots of people who are struggling and could use a little help, so it should be no problem finding people who can make good use of a warm sweater or jacket. I will however send a message to the kids and let them know we did it in their names.

I looked back at last year in my blog to see what I was writing about. Man I was so sick at Christmas time- I had forgotten, and Everardo's brother in Coahuila passed away...we had just moved to Baja in November and were in that awful neighborhood and by this time already anxious to move somewhere else. We had just brought Hazel home; a 5lb tiny puppy and then Everardo got the news about his brother being so sick and he left...he got back Christmas Eve in the afternoon and I was already really sick. We didn't know anybody and it wasn't my favorite Christmas season ha ha. But we did get to skype with Drew and Rex and the kids and watch them open their presents Christmas morning and that was so nice. I'll have to ask her if we can do that again this year. But I also saw that I was writing about what I was trying to work on for myself....hmmm as it turns out I'm kinda working on the same stuff. I think I'm in a different place with it all, but the path continues. I wrote about spirituality, about unconditional love, about acceptance. That I had to accept the lack of relationship with my younger sister, and try to do the same with my daughter- but understand with my daughter it was a little different, and that I would continue to desire a relationship. So then I read forward some and saw that I continued to ask the universe for guidance with my daughter, and acceptance. Then in March I saw that I wrote that she wanted to communicate with me, to work on our relationship and I was so happy. And so we got closer. I think we are closer, but I still have to remember to accept her for who she is right now. She is still young- for me that translates to selfish, self centered, greedy....and she hurts my feelings. She hurts her sister's feelings as well. She doesn't return phone calls, she blows off plans, she is great for asking for something- but ask her for something...well don't expect to get it ha ha. Well not ha ha really. Month ago I asked her to help me out with a jury summons I received....luckily I got someone else to deal with it for me...she said sure and promptly forgot about it- at least as far as I know because she never went to pick it up, never contacted the person for me or anything. No big deal to her- but it was to me. I asked to get a couple of things from her dad's house when she left...oh yeah of course mom- and never bothered to do it. Same kind of behavior with her sister.

I made a huge mistake last summer that I apologized for, but realize now was really awful of me. I wrote and asked for forgiveness again but have not received an answer- and have to be ok with that. That I needed to make amends, that I needed to let go of my resentment, of my judgement because I don't want to be that kind of person. I mention it here because I did it feeling justified that I was supporting this daughter, when really it was about my ego. I had told her when she let me know she did't get along with her dad's wife, that she should move. That she needed to respect the woman no matter what, and that it was her house and as an adult, my daughter should move out if she wasn't happy there. Ok fine that was the right thing to do, and my daughter did move a month or so after we talked about it. At some point my ex husband's wife and I began to communicate on facebook msg and I told her I backed her up and it was all fine. But then something happened, after my daughter moved and the woman and I were not too nice to each other in writing. Then she wrote something that hurt my feelings...and so I wrote a horrible note to her and was very mean. I had no right to do that. No matter what. That was about my ego, not my daughter, it was about winning...a couple of days later I wrote a short msg and apologized but never heard back and we never communicated again after that. That was back in late June I think. But I was married to this man for 15 years and we remained friends so it's been over 20 years we've known each other- and I feel bad we no do not communicate at all. I see their facebook pages...yes I look cause sometimes my kids are on them. They live in the next town from my kids. And this would be the first time I don't wish him and his family Merry Christmas or Happy New Year? The girls go over there, and their dad is their dad. So I was awful and I know better. My mean words, my resentments, my judgement is now having an effect on my life that I cannot change. I'm so sorry about that! So I wrote them and apologized to her again...will they reply? I don't know and I will have to accept and respect whatever decision they make. So I talk about spirituality, acceptance, unconditional love, no judgement, and I totally feel like a hypocrite. I have to accept this. I have to accept it and move on. I mean I am glad that I apologized a couple of days after I first wrote it, but when can I get to not reacting in anger....which is usually fear?

Hmmm and this all gets mixed up in my issues with my younger daughter. I am unhappy with her because although we do talk these days, maybe a couple of times a month which is better than this time last year, and I realized that as long as I accepted she is not going to put herself out for anything, then it was all good...but I think I don't really accept it...or I forget and have expectations and then am upset when she doesn't meet them. I asked her back when she moved out, and then a couple of weeks ago, to get the Christmas decorations I gave her before we left for Mexico. I had both girls come over when we were putting Christmas away before we moved, and had them each pick out some things that were special to them, for them to start their own family traditions for Christmas, things from when they were growing up, things that maybe came from my family when I was growing up and was given by my mom and dad to start my family. They were both excited to choose and it was very touching. Well, she was still living with her dad so she took the stuff there. I want her to take it home or at least give it to her sister to keep for her. These were things from my family, our family and I want them to have them. Drew understands and said she'd push Halla to do it, but I can't keep putting Drew in that position. I asked Halla last week on the phone if she got them...of course she did not, and she said- oh I gotta hang up now. And see? If I had not been so horrible to my ex's wife, I could simply ask them to be sure and give Halla the box of decorations, instead I'm afraid she will throw them away, or they will just keep them for their own family. This hurts me. But what can I do about it, especially from down here? I have to let it all go. I will for sure ask Halla again, but when is the next time I'll talk to her? Once she knows I want something from her, or want her to take an action, she stops answering the phone when I call- well actually she rarely answers it when I call anytime. I had accepted that I would only talk to her when she wanted to, not when I wanted to, but she's my kid, I love her, so I was gonna accept this. The truth is I am mad and sad about it. I wish it mattered to her. But wishin' don't make it so.

So see, I have sooooo far to go...my spiritual path stretches endlessly in front of me as I try to embrace, to live these principles that I believe are so important for me. Acceptance, unconditional love, and freedom from judgement. Writing all this helps. I feel a little better. There was a box of things I put together right before we moved that I gave to her, things from her childhood, other things of mine I knew meant something to her...she doesn't know where that box is, either. Maybe someday she will care, maybe she'll even recover some of it. I have to realize- I gave it to her, those things are gone from me. Let go. And maybe be a little more careful of what I let go of. And the manger scene, I don't have to make a decision about it right now. Maybe when we move back I will have grandchildren who will want to come to Grandma's house to see it at Christmas for a few years before it needs to move on to the next person. Maybe my thoughts as the year ends and a new one starts will have to be along the same lines as last year. That acceptance is still the answer, that unconditional love is the way to true happiness, to be happy joyous and free. Forgiveness and to be free of resentment. I was thinking the other day about what do I believe God's will is for me? What is the universe's will for me? To be happy joyous and free. But what does that mean, for me? I think it means I must want the same for all people...because how can I truly be all those things of others are not? Hmmm now I am filled with hope..and love. This is good, I have lots to think about now...lots to strive for. Viva!