I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!! YIPEE

Yep I don't have cancer. The word relief just does not cover my feelings right now. Yesterday around noon the dr called me. He asked if I had a minute to talk; if it was a good time. I tell you- in the split second before I answered that question a million scary thoughts rushed thru my pea brain. Oh if he's asking if I have a minute to talk then he must have details- bad details. Oh God I must have cancer. I can't believe it. I have to face the treatment again. What does this mean- that I have it again? Does this mean I'll get it again and again? These thoughts and more came to me in the tiny moment between the dr asking me if I had a minute to talk and my answer of "of course!" And then he said- "you're fine" You have no cancer. We think that when you healed in 2009 that some liquid was present and sat, then the scar tissue wrapped around it...it was a fibrous cyst. Nothing to worry about. I cried.

I didn't even realize how scared I had been. I had been going to more meetings, talking about fear. I was also talking about acceptance. As I hiked my magic trail I talked out loud to the universe about acceptance. I talked about the possibility of having cancer again. That I wouldn't die from it. I had been there before. Yeah the treatment sucks but I would survive it. I thought I was facinfg my fear and let it go. Maybe I was....a little. But maybe I was pushing it down. Because when the dr told me I was fine, I felt like something fell away from me; like I had this coating on me that fell off me. That my skin had been so tight, and I didn't notice until all of a sudden I could breathe again. That the air felt clear and fresh. Every color was suddenly so vibrant. So I guess I was more scared than I thought I was. I kept telling myself I've been working hard to take care of myself- exercising and eating right. I have really changed the way I eat, the things I eat. And the truth is I'm healthier than I've ever been. I got scared though, I suddenly felt like such a loser, like I was pretending somehow, and that it would all crumble around me. This is a scary concept- that I was getting depressed and not really acknowledging it. It shows me how much more work i have to do on myself. I want to live in acceptance, in faith in the universe. And to have less fear about the things I have no control over- and that's everything. Everything except my attitude. Wow- is it ALL lessons? So I'm feeling pretty good now.

My health insurance is not straightened out yet. And of course this health scare happened in the middle of that. But I will say I didn't let that make me crazy after the initial- really? All this at once?
But I knew, if I did have cancer I would simply stay with Kaiser thru treatment and pay the total premiums myself. Lucky for me I have the money to do it. It would suck ha ha- I'd have to go back to work sooner than I planned- I'm hoping to not have to get a part time job until the end of the year, but I will if I have to. Because we moved north, good old Cov Cal won't let me stay in Kaiser because there isn't a Kaiser facility in this county. And without them, the premium is more than $600 a month. That's NUTS! Yeah 6 years ago I had breast cancer, but now I go to the doctor once a year. With Cov Cal I only had to pay a little over $100 a month. Ok so now I know I have to give up Kaiser after being with them for more than 10 years, maybe more than 15 years. But now I have a new problem. Cov Ca wants to see proof of my income or else they will send me to Medical. I told them that I work part time, for cash, but they said that wasn't good enough. The thing is I will start working this year, and I don't believe it's right for me to take Medical. I am not low income, I am not trying to find work and struggling. Ha ha if I have to pay $6-700 a month for health insurance I will be struggling and looking for work. This is insane! So when I had income (renters) and worked for Cedros I qualified for Cov Ca. But I saved my $ so when we first came back I wouldn't have to work. So anyway I have to call them again tomorrow and see what I can do.

Oh I did look online for "cheap" health insurance in Feb, knowing I was going to have to make a change. Huge mistake! My phone rings 20 times a day with people trying to sell me insurance or recordings doing the same. Actually in the last week it's down to 3-4 calls a day. But I had signed up back on the first day to start a new company in April....but it was very confusing and although it wasn't supposed to start until April 1, the emails said Feb 26. The guy on the phone gave me mountains of info, but when I tried to go to the website I didn't have my new id card yet and needed info from it. Then I got an email that my address was wrong- I called them and fixed it, but the id card and info still didn't show up for almost a month. Then I googled it- shit I wish I had done that first. The were not BBB accredited (Better Business Bureau), they had tons of complaints lodged and investigations. So I cancelled. I haven't gotten my $290 back yet...application fee and first month...but I have received emails confirming my cancellation and that the $ is coming. Some of the reviews had said they couldn't get them to cancel Mine might have been easier since I did it during the "30 day free look"- which I actually thought was not going to start until April 1. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. I know I am NOT paying hundreds of $$ per month for health insurance. Hmmm. I'm thinking that there probably is cheaper insurance out there- yeah the copays will be higher, etc, but I'm afraid to ask for any web info again; they're finally slowing down on the sleazy calls. And yeah I knew the guy was sleazy when I signed up with the first place- but I was in a panic over it and rushed forward. If I can't work it out with Cov Cal I will research, I will move forward slowly. I've worked hard to be able to have this lifestyle and I'm not giving it up because of the screwed up (yes fucked up) laws surrounding health care right now. I mean I knew if we came back to the states it would be expensive, but we lead a pretty simple life.

OK so I still haven't downloaded from my phone my latest pics so nothing to post- yes I'm lazy. Oh wait I was thinking back up there where I was writing about food- lazy and frozen food. We live near a Raley's, well near lots of grocery stores and I keep being amazed by all the frozen food choices. Yeah we were only gone 3.5 years, but was it always like this? Like 3 or 4 aisles of frozen  food? Every breakfast and dinner you can think of. In Mexico I swear the frozen food is pizza and ice cream. No frozen vegetables, or meals- meals by 10 different brand names. I'm glad I have kinda moved away from the whole frozen food thing- well except for Amy's organic enchiladas which i put over my steamed veges sometimes. Oh except for something about that as well! Amy's has 2 kinds of enchiladas; black bean vegetarian, and cheese. 160 calories and 240 respectively. I just happened to look more closely a couple of weeks ago....AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Those calories are per serving- and get this! Servings per container: 2!!!!!!! So pissed off!! That's the way they can make it look like low calorie! 2 servings my ass!! Yes there are 2 enchiladas to a package, 2 skinny, small enchiladas, the box is even small. How could it possibly be 2 servings? Maybe for a child, a small child, like a 6 year old and as long as they had a plate full of vegetables and maybe a baked potato as well, and dessert! So I was recording my calories wrong. This means the cheese enchilada is just off my menu. And the black bean vegetarian, just once in a while for a change. Because Everardo makes beans all the time and a half a cup of beans is 110 calories and fills me up quite nicely.

Honestly, in the past 2 weeks I have been binge eating. Fear eating. Ice cream, american cheese, all kinds of crap. Today I was much better. Tomorrow I plan to get back to exercising and be true to my food plan. My stitches are the dissolving kind and tape strips over them came off today.I just looked though, and one end is still not completely closed. So I guess I'll decided about hiking when I wake up. For sure no zumba the rest of this week. Maybe hiking, but I'm paranoid about it opening up. Ok it's a very short incision, maybe 4 or 5 stitches, but like i said, I have fear around the damn thing.

Ok here's a photo of Sam having an awesome day:

 The rock next to my foot- Sam went under water to find it and bring it to the side- ha ha. He is one happy boy.

Ok now for Everardo's idea of a great day:

He goes fishing alot, and the lake is so close- about 15 minutes away. He catches trout, bass, and croppie I think. They all taste good but I pass on the trout because all the tiny bones make it not worth the struggle to eat it! The tulips- well they were planted before we got here (of course- they're bulbs), but they are so pretty- and now we have red, pink and yellow. Everardo is planting like crazy, vegetables are going in and he planted an apple, an apricot and a peach tree in the backyard.

Ok and now what had made me happy:

Painting the inside of the house, making it homey. This is dining area of the kitchen...across from this wall is the table and a big window looking out to the front yard. We're at the end of a court, and kind of on the curve so our front porch is not visible to the street until you're right in front of the house, and being a court, it's a quiet street...loving it. The neighbor on the left is blocked by the garage, and on the right, they have a huge bush so we don't look at each other's porches. The front yard is the sunny side of the house and we have a bench on the porch and a nice tree- oh I guess I gotta take pics of that, right? Ok.....viva!

Lump removed....but still waiting

So- It's Friday, 2 days after having the lump removed from under the scar on my left breast. The scar was from a lumpectomy I had in 2009 for breast cancer. How pissed off was I when I felt a lump last week? Right? Ok and scared, like really really scared. So this past Wednesday I went in and had it taken out. Not full on surgery; meaning I was not knocked out. They gave me a local and did it while I was awake. Let me tell you- that freaking needle the dr stuck me with HURT like hell. I yelled a couple of very bad words. And then he stuck me again! Now the nurse told me that it numbs the area in less than 20 seconds, so he might have done it again but I didn't feel it. He told me beforehand that it was gonna hurt and he was right. He then told me that he could not blovk the sounds or the tugging feeling I would feel. I did not want to see the needle or any blood. I kept my head turned. But the noise- yeah I almost threw up. But I knew if I barfed it would really hurt. So instead I started talking to the nurse so I wouldn't hear it or think about the tugging I felt.

The nurse was so nice; she held my hand while I got stuck with the needle and I asked her to hold my hand again as he started working. The noise was like a scraping- that's what made me feel sick- makes my stomach a little woozy just writing it. So I told her about the place I hike. I told her about the section where it becomes mostly redwood trees, more than any other part of the path. It's a short patch, and as it changes there's this kind of overhang made by a bending tree and one that had fallen onto to the bended trunk so I sort of pass underneath and I always say goodbye to that part of the trail. As I come into that part of the trail I say hi to my family; it reminds me of being a kid and going camping with my parents and my brother & sisters. I love that part of the trail.

So I still felt some of the tugging; but I just kept talking. The whole thing only took about 15 minutes. The doctor said it was a solid "thing". I asked if it had a tail or root or was it just a "thing". He said no root, just a "thing". I asked if it could be a cyst- he answered he didn't cut into it- that's what pathology is for. He said he didn't know what it was. He told me that it can take 10 days to find out, but that recently he's been finding out much sooner, and as soon as he knew, I would know. So- that was 2 days ago. I'm hoping by this time next week I will be writing how happy I am that it's not cancer. So my skin is sore. My arm is sore, my breast, really very close to the top- it's like my chest, is sore. I used ice packs the first day and one yesterday. I haven't hiked. My hike is pretty strenuous, especially at first, the first 15 minutes are straight up and windy and bumpy, so I decided to wait until Monday.

Ha ha of course since I'm not working out I thought that ice cream every day is a good idea! Last nite we went to this place we heard has good trip tip sandwiches, they were out- so yeah they're very popular. But then we went to another place where we already tried the burgers and they were great- and they had a very good tri trip sand....with french fries....and later- ice cream. The first day however I was beat. And I woke up the next day kinda depressed. I notice that happens to me when I get cut into (hmmm should I say duh, or ha ha). But I'm better now. I talked about my fear. I talked about being in the now, right here right now. So I'm ok.

In other news, our dog Sam hurt his back leg. He's been limping since last weekend and we took him to the vet on Monday. For only $325 (ouch!!) she told us he has bad arthritis. Yeah we know. So yesterday and today we took him over to Lake Mendocino so he could swim. He loved it. Actually I didn't go yesterday, I laid on the couch and read and felt sorry for myself ha ha. But I went today. Everardo fished a little, I read a little but mostly watched Sam. There was also a turtle hanging out on a stump poking out of the water; I tool his picture but it's on my phone so I can't put it on this post but I will next time. Sam is improving slowly; he has to take tramdol for pain, and only started eating almost normally yesterday. He hates the couple of steps up to the front door and the one step down going out thru the sliding glass door to the back yard. We're thinking about making that step into a ramp. Our yard is funny; the front yard is sunnier and Sam likes the front lawn. I bet come summer we'll be happy that the back yard is cooler since we keep hearing that summers are very hot here. Of course after Mexico- I think we can handle it. Down there we had no air conditioning or heat, and in one place no hot water for 6 months. So bring it on.

I went to get milk tonite and was thinking about Mexico. We were always smelling the milk- every day as soon as we brought it home from the grocery store. In Penasco, sometimes it went bad after one day so we started buying quarts instead of gallons. Then we figured out that the trucks that brought the milk to the stores near out house were not refrigerated trucks! Ha ha so delivered not cold then put into the cold storage in the store. Hmmmm. Down in Playa Ventura we never knew if there was going to be milk in the closest store. Some days they had milk but no cheese or bread. Or the had bread but no milk or cereal. Forget lunch meat ha ha. Costco was in Acapulco but that was 2 hours away and we never bought milk there. There was a Super Che a little over an hour in the other direction (south in the mountains), and we started going there almost once a week. It things you don't think about here, stores being out of basic stuff. Ha ha and the bank! Sometimes the atm had no money in it. If we got to town and saw alot of people around the bank, then we knew that somebody heard the money truck was coming, so we could wait if we wanted. If we wanted to do more than atm, then we had to drive an hour north up to Cruz Grande, and there was always a line out into the street to get into the bank there. In Mexico you need the bank for your utilities; the telephone company would tell you how much and then you would go pay it at the bank, then bring it back to the telephone company. Oh and when a new school semester was starting- don't bother going to the bank! The students all pay at the bank for their school tuitions. Not at the school. That one took us a while to figure out- we learned it in Ensenada.

So many things we take for granted here. I still carry toilet paper in my purse; in Mexico you have to. There may be public bathrooms everywhere but they NEVER have paper in them. And honestly, we traveled around Mexico alot, and I have to pee alot, so I peed behind boulders, bushes, cactus, the truck, behind building where the public bathroom was soo disgusting I just couldn't ha ha. So I peed my way across Mexico and always had paper with me. This habit has stuck with me. The paper I mean, not peeing on the side of the road ha ha! Yeah when I was in Florida on my sister's houseboat with the plumbing messed up- peeing in a bucket was fine with me!

Another thing was going barefoot. I never went barefoot in Mexico and you would think I would all the time. But no. Our first place, down in the tropics- there were scorpions all over the place. So the ground was too hot outside for barefeet, and inside the scorpions. That's where I also learned to not put my hand in places I couldn't see, like way back on a shelf or in a cupboard. Then we moved up to Sonora, another hot place, and again the scorpions. So when we got to Baja, actually I never saw a scorpion in the trailer and in the last few months I did actually start going barefoot in the house. Then we moved to the hillside and saw so many tiny scorpions- well I never went barefoot again! And I didn't go barefoot in the ocean either. I always wore sandals or old tennis shoes.

Now we live in a house with wall to wall carpeting everywhere but the kitchen/dining room. I always look for my slippers in the middle of the nite when I get up to pee. I always put them next to my bed so I can just swing my legs down into them. I don't need to, but old habits, right? I sometimes just wear socks in the house, and as it gets warmer, who knows, maybe barefoot it will be. I miss Mexico. Alot. And I learned so much. I'm so grateful for everything we have. I try hard not to be so wasteful, with water, with food, with clothes. I find myself thinking- well in Mexico we.....ha ha I try hard not to say it.

So anyway in a few days I'll know where I'm at. I'll share again. I'll try to post the picture of the turtle. OH- so this week hiking I saw a turkey, a rabbit, a deer, 6 salamanders and a banana slug. Viva

Sometimes all you can do is wait

Next Wednesday, at 3:30 in the afternoon, I'm having a lump removed from my breast. It's a small lump- I found it myself. Hard like a little bb. (Is that how you spell bb? The kind you shoot? Like in the movie Christmas Story- "you'll shoot your eye out!") It's right under- or right in, the scar I have above my left breast. Yeah I had breast cancer in 2009. I had a lumpectomy, then a summer of chemo, and after that radiation. It SUCKED. One of the meds I took made me depressed, really depressed. I finally told them and they had me stop taking it. One of the other meds kept me from sleeping at nite. I lived alone at the time and I would stare at the ceiling, and did I say I was depresed at the time? For the first time in my life I understood why people comtemplate suicide. Scared me. Alot. I also put on 20 lbs. You eat comfort food.

Ok enough talking about it. Oh wait- and yes I was bald for a few months, but I also didn't have to shave my legs or armpits for a whole summer ha ha.
Ok that's it. They did not say I have cancer again. What they said was they are "concerned". I found the lump this past Monday after my hike. Yeah right when I was feeling great. I went to the doctor that afternoon who took a look and said if I hadn't had cancer before he would just think it was a cyst, but given my history he was concerned. So then I had an appointment with the breast cancer clinic, but not until Thursday. We woke up Thursday to a horrible rainstorm. We wanted to leave at 6am because the appt was all the way down in Terra Linda. So then we go out to the truck and the garage door won't open. But it has 2 doors, and he was able to back it up and go forward at an angle until he got it out the other door. We could barely see and I was worried about when we got to Santa Rosa and the commute traffic got heavy with all that rain...well an hour later we got there and to our surprise no traffic. And none for the next few cities on the way even though there's usually bad traffic every day from about 6:30am -9am. Finally when we did hit bumper to bumper traffic- the rain stopped- I mean completely! SO weird. I thanked the universe though. It had to rain so there was no traffic, then when there had to be traffic, no rain. I had asked the universe to help us to travel safe- and it did.

So- I had a mammogram and a sonogram. Inconclusive. But the answer from the two doctors involed was- because of your history we have concerns. So let's get this taken care of; it's close to the surface and small so no point in taking a little piece, let's just take it all and send it to pathology. I agreed of course. But now that's not until next Wednesday. Am I ok? I guess so. I was pretty scared when I was having the tests done and when the surgery was scheduled. And it's not in an operating room- I will not be knocked out. Just a local, which the dr said the shot is VERY uncomfortable. (oh thanks). But now I'm better.

Except I swear every news story I open is about cancer. And a guy from years ago that I worked with popped up in my facebook as one of those people "you might know"' I looked at his page, and went ahead and sent a friend request. His wife of like 30 years died in December from cancer. I know it's just me obsessing about this. And I also know I DON'T have cancer. It is simply going to be a cyst, or scar tissue. Maybe because I lost weight the area changed. I don't know how long it's been there. I don't remember when I checked myself last, but I do know I touch the scar all the time. It's weird because I have a dent under the scar. I remember at my last mammo- back in August the technician telling me that the dent is normal. That everyone thinks fat is fluid and would just fill in the area where they took out the tumor last time. And it was really tiny- I never felt it, the mammo spotted it. Anyway she said fat is a solid, and so I will have the dent. I still always touch it.

I'm writing about it because I don't know how I feel. I want to say whatever it is, I'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. Everardo said that from the get go. He said let's just find out what it is and take care of it. Nothing to be scared of, whatever it is, we'll do the next right thing. I feel better writing this though. I told my daughters. Drew was not happy that I didn't tell her on Monday, but at that point I didn't see why I should worry her. But after the appts on Thurs. I knew I needed to tell her and Halla, too.

Just thought I'd add a couple of pictures to make myself feel better. The tulips are in our backyard and the path is where I hike.

To add to the stress this is the month I was going to change health insurance companies. I have to get rid of Covered Calif which has been a huge huge hassle the entire time. If they were not a government business they would be out of business! So unorganized, idiots work there. So now they want me to prove my income- which so far this year I don't have...but plan to. They will send me to Medi-cal. Then when I get a part time job I'd go off it. Medical has a 6 month back up for paperwork, but I don't believe I should have it anyway because I'm not working because I don't want to- not because I'm struggling. I'm also now living outside where they have Kaiser so they also would make me change companies. So I decided to just let go of them and get a different insurance here. I have to let go of Kaiser because I can't afford the premium without Covered Calif- it's like $600 a month. So I went online and found insurance for $165 a month and it starts March 25. So I still have Kaiser thru March. Ok so hopefully this lump is just a cyst, and will be taken care of in March, and I'll change companies in April. If it is cancer, then I guess I'll have to pay the huge premium thru treatment. And I have the money to do it- if I have to. Ha ha meaning I guess I'll have to start working a little sooner. So I was adding this stress onto the situation...meaning the insurance change and all of a sudden I need it. I go to the doctor like once a year- and now this. But this is nothing. A cyst, or scar tissue. Ok I feel alot better. Oh and last but not least I'm sober. For 15 years as of Feb 19. Yipee for me. I am one of the luckiest people I know. Blessed. Grateful for so many things in my life. Viva!

Dear Diary I don't want to eat! (I exercise and diet...)

Ok so I'm writing this to distract myself from wanting to eat. To snack...to binge...to eat something- ok everything and of course the things I normally don't even want to eat. American cheese, white bread....ANY chocolate I can find. Luckily most of this is not in the house. But the cheese is. Earlier I heard it calling to me from the fridge and I amazed myself by opting for some string cheese instead.
I have a pattern that I am struggling to break. Once I step out of my disciplined food routine I tend to throw it out the window for the day. These days I'm trying to eat under 1200 calories a day. Smart calories. For instance I count all green veges (steamed) as 40 calories. A plate full of steamed broccoli & cauliflower really fills me up but only for an hour or so. Hmmm I guess I could eat a second plate and the evening would be taken care of! Ha ha.

Except for one small (ok huge) problem. I would be full but not satisfied. And that means I'm gonna eat. I'll sit and crave....and craving is for the things not so good for me. Sugar, fat. I remember when my older daughter Drewy was a baby and when she was starting to eat solid food people told me-don't give her the fruit- it's too sweet and she'll never want the veges. I'm talking about the baby food in the jars. And it's true. The veges tasted bland or at least not exciting. The fruits were sweet. Isn't it weird how the stuff we love to eat is the stuff that's bad for us. Yeah yeah I know that means it's me that has to change. I need to learb to crave the stuff that's good for me. Some things I do. I eat peanut butter every single day (seems like for my entire life). I switched from Skippy or Jiff to natural peanut butter. My favorite is Adams, but any natural would do. I fill my fridge with string cheese, cantaloupe, granny smith apples, bananas, almonds (ok almonds on the counter), avocados. I eat eggs- raw in my protein shakes and hard boiled as a snack. Actually I started eating just the whites after finding out they have protein and less fat than the yolks. The dog is very happy to have the yolks.

I hiked in the woods this morning and it was awesome. Today was an official weigh day and I was happy to have lost another pound. For Feb that makes 6 lbs. I'm happy with 6lbs in a month. I am now 5 lbs away from where I was when I got here from Mexico. (75 lbs total). I'd like to lose 100 lbs but I'm not sure if that's possible or reasonable. I'm in size 12, sometimes 9, pants and I know there's smaller sizes, but is it reasonable? Ok so my food and my exercise.

Hiking in the woods has become amazing. It's so spiritual. I had no idea. I guess I've never hiked alone before. I've always loved the redwoods. Loved walking in Armstrong Woods- the closest redwoods to where I've always lived- except for Mexico of course. And while in Mexico, when I came back to see my kids & go to the doctor, I visited Armstrong Woods. I loved camping in northern Ca in the woods. Did it as a kid- we camped all over the western states; Oregon, Washington, Nevada, Wyoming, Montana, Colorado, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico. In fact there a spot called 4 Corners, and it's the place where those last 4 states I mentioned all meet- the only place in the United States where 4 states touch. As a kid I had my picture taken with a hand & foot in 4 states. Ha ha I did it as an adult as well.! My kids were brought up going camping as well. Pretty much just in northern Calif and southern Oregon though. I love the woods. I love the campfires with the rangers; singing silly campfire songs, learning about the animals in the woods, oh and the banana slug! In the hills where I hike now I see banana slugs. And salamanders with the orange underside. I can smell everything when I'm hiking, the dirt, the trees, the water. How it feels cooler when when I get closer to the water. I can always hear it before I get there. I don't know if the water was running before this winter. It's been a drought here for the past 5 years. Thank God it rained so much this winter. Although I guess no rain in February has not been a good thing. But it sounds like there will be more rain in March so hopefully it will continue to offset the drought.

We conserve water as much as we can. There's just the 2 of us here; so during the day we don't flush every time we pee. In Mexico you don't put the paper in the toilet, so it's not weird here to do the same thing since I'm not flushing. Also in Mexico you can't drink the water from the faucet, so we always had a plastic pitcher & cup in the kitchen and the bathroom with drinking water and for brushing our teeth. So now we have a cup in the bathroom for teeth brushing. Before I moved to Mexico I just put my mouth under the faucet to rinse after brushing my teeth. Years ago I even ran the water while I was brushing my teeth! Same thing with the dishes. I rinse the dishes then turn off the water to soap them up. Then turn it back on to rinse them. I do admit however that I don't turn off the water while I'm soaping up in the shower. I used to. I don't anymore but I do take my showers pretty quick, especially if I'm not washing my hair. And I guess it's my age but I don't have to wash my haor that often, usually on Tuesday and Friday. I used to wash it every nite, then every other nite...now usually just twice a week.

I know I've shared here before that when I talk to the universe I like to do it out loud.I'm just so much better focused when I do it aloud. When I pray in my head, well I start out focused but sooner or later I'm making a grocery list or remember to get dog food, or to call my daughter. My head can sure multitask ha ha! Down the street in the other direction of the woods is a vineyard that has a big open field in it right about where we hit it when am and I are walking. He loves to sniff everything in that field and munch on the tall green grass. That silly dog love love loves to eat tall green grass! Well in that field I was doing my check ins with the universe, and still do, but more often now on the hike. Sam is going to 9 years old in a few months and he can't really do my hike- plus he wants to stop all the time anyway to sniff, look, roll, munch...etc so although we take him over there and to the vineyard, he doesn't go on my exercise hike. I walk fast. And the first 20 minutes or so are all uphill and every time I think I'm not gonna make it ha ha. I have little landmarks now- a certain tree, a certain curve, the little blue foot bridge, the sound of the creek coming down the hill. The trail I follow goes up and around the back of one hill, in the trees; it's shady and cool. (we'll see come the middle of summer since I hear that it gets really really hot here). Then it winds up some more as it heads back towards the front of the mountain, and winds around until it hits the next hill and winds some more. At that point it kinda gets a little more even, some flat, some up and down and winds thru the shady trees. They're not redwood trees; some look like redwoods, but I think they're some kind of pine, others look like skinny Eucalyptus and other trees. I guess one of these days I'll find out what kind of trees they are and let you know ha ha. The trail spits out onto a wider trail and it has a sign; I think it says "City View", and I follow that one. It winds up yet another hill and then begins a long loop that takes me about half an hour- no maybe 20-22 minutes to make, and then I go back, but when I come by that sign I follow a different trail back down to the beginning. The first time I liked it, it took me about an hour and a half, now I do it in about an hour and 5 minutes. I'm not a runner so my time is never gonna be much quicker than that- but there are lots of trails up there and maybe when I'm closer to my goals I'll explore some of them. Or maybe when I take Sam, or maybe on a weekend when I usually don't exercise, so I could take my time.

I walk fast, but I take in my surroundings, and now I talk during at least some part of it. Usually not in the fist part since I'm totally huffing and puffing ha ha. But after that I usually say my universe prayer and the talk about whatever's going on with me. Lately I've been working on trying to let go of worry. Worry is a symptom of fear. Fear is negative energy. I don't want it in my life. I want acceptance, peace, serenity- those things are all the opposite of fear. It's funny but talking about things out loud, and writing them- both of these things help me in a HUGE way. Things get clarified, or less confusing, or I figure out what it is I'm looking for. I find elusive solutions. And I always always feel better. I feel better right now. I'm so happy I found those woods to walk in. As I said, I had no idea it was so spiritual to walk alone in nature. I talked to a couple of people about it who also hike alone- and they said "oh yeah". It's so much like sitting on my rock in Playa Venutra. I am filled with hope, with love, with the desire to be a better person, to contribute to the universe in a positive way. I was laughing to myself today- as I was walking this young woman passed me, she was running, and then later she was texting or something when I was finishing the loop. I laughed out loud because I thought oh my god I have become the tortoise- you know the tortoise and the hare? That I was always the hare- the rabbit running ahead, always going full blast until I crashed. And now I am a turtle....I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and just keep going. But I am not plodding, going slowly like the turtle, I'm walking fast, I'm just not running all out. So I guess I'm a mixture of the two, part turtle and part hare. Ha ha I said "hartle?" Or "Tuare" And that's when I laughed because "Tare"...my mom used to call me Ter...love you mommy. Maybe I'm becoming...me!
Wow what's next? Well I avoided binge eating and am feeling good, so........Viva!

The magic path

Ok so I've been trying to change the name on my blog- I want to add..."and Back" to the title since we're back in northern California. Finally I got on a help screen and asked so waiting for the answer. I want to start writing regularly again so I'm just going to start regardless of when I alter the name. I guess the first sentence in my recent posts say so anyway ha ha.

So I want to talk about where we are, what I'm discovering here, and the amazing hike I've been taking every couple of days- and this morning realized it's a magic path. And how the path reminds me of Mexico- physically and spiritually. Ukiah is at the beginning of the redwoods, an hour from the coast (maybe a little bit more), and about 2 and a half hours north of San Francisco. I had to go to Oakland (across the bay from SF) when we first got here to homeland security to get some document signed off so we could get the truck imported back into the states. Ha ha what a hassle that's been. I had to go there 2 days in a row because when I got there the first time they asked for something that hadn't told me was required when I called the day before. I hate driving across the San Rafael-Richmond Bridge so yipee I got to go both ways across 2 days in a row. But the lady was very nice. And all she did was walk out to the truck- look at the vin number, sign and stamp the document. Less than 5 minutes. Then we had to get the truck smogged- no small feat when the damn check engine light never goes off. Then we checked google for the issue and read it's a huge scam- yeah great. But then someone sent us to a friend and "all of a sudden" it passed. This is a small town alright- we went to the DMV to ask what the next step was- and the woman looked at us and said- wow I don't know- can you go home and look it up online? You can make an appt right now to come back- ha ha so we went home and I made an appt in Santa Rosa. This guy knew exactly what to do and we're waiting for our new license plates. Luckily we both have Mexican and US driver licenses so we can keep driving with the Mexican plates. So basically it's been 5 months trying to take care of it....wow right?

Ukiah is very small- 15,000 people. The town we lived in here before we went to Mexico; Petaluma has about 60,000 so 4 times as big, and I always felt like it was a small town. Of course the first town we lived in down in Mexico, below Acapulco had less than 1,000. Then Puerto Penasco was 57,000, and Punta Banda again less than a thousand but 20 min south of Ensenada which although very spread out has a ton of people (like half a million). Add to that language and cultural differences, well Ukiah is pretty different for me- but I think different in a good way. I like that it's small. The main street reminds me of Petaluma, but the Petaluma of many years ago. In the last couple of weeks it hasn't been raining so much, but before that we were mostly inside so haven't seen too much of the town besides grocery stores and AA meetings ha ha. But online I saw that they have an art walk on the first Friday of the month; I've seen several art galleries and bought something in 2 of them. Actually tomorrow I get to pick up a print I bought in one place and am having it framed in another. I tried hard to find a frame in a thrift store. I went to 3 thrift stores looking for the right frame. Hmmm maybe I have seen a bit of this town eh? Anyway I even bought a frame that would fit (11x14) I think for a dollar, but when I got it home it just wasn't right. So I'm paying twice as much for a frame as I did for the picture- which is a print of a watercolor of an old wooden door. Yeah sounds weird, when I get it back I'll take a photo and post it here. Actually today I went by there on my way back from Home Depot buying more paint (another story) and it will be ready tomorrow, but I bought 2 more prints, that are on white mats- I don't plan to put them in frames, they are purple and green and will go on the wall behind our bed. I think with no frame it makes them softer, more bedroom like. Yes the wall behind the bed is painted a very deep purple. The 2 side walls are light purple and the 4th wall is green.

Hubby is painting the inside of the house for us (ok ok for me). Shades of purple, green, one dark red wall in the living room & the guest room  will be light blue and maybe orange. Left is 3 bedrooms- one is the guest room, one is the exercise room and one is an "office"- has our old dining room table, the printer, bills, etc so the kitchen table is not the keeper of all that stuff ha ha. Purples blues, orange, we'll see how they turn out. Maybe sounds wacky but it always ends up amazing!

We are both working out. I started on Jan 8th weighing myself and starting to count my daily calories again. I hadn't done it since I left Mexico. Although I kept up exercising but was way out past Jupiter as far as eating was concerned. And man did I see I haven't changed at all. Once I started eating crap I just went all out. In fact nobody knows that I found in my daughter's freezer, way in the back underneath a bunch of stuff- frozen chocolate cookie dough. In fact not just the dough- it was already divided into little pieces that you simply break off and put on a pan and then bake or microwave. Microwave- yeah- but I couldn't even wait for that- plus the smell right? So almost every nite I broke off 2 of those little pieces and ate them frozen. Actually it just took a couple of minutes for them to soften up a little and then I would eat them. Kind of nibble around the edges as they got softer- ha ha making it sound almost normal- it was not. It was secretive, and still nobody knows about it. I'm SO happy I just wrote about it here. I snuck that frozen cookie dough whenever I was alone downstairs. Maybe Everardo was just in the shower- that's enough time! So there was 2 packages of those damn cookies and I ate every bit of it! My daughter is not a huge sweets eater and probly forgot it was in there. Plus there was SO much other food in the fridge, the cupboards...everywhere. I made Danica's lunch every nite for her to take to school and so I knew exactly what treats we had. Ok one other obsessive eating thing I did. I bought these things - maybe called Zingers. They were twinkies but with coconut on the outside of them. I don't really like coconut, so I thought that was a good idea because if it was just a box of twinkies- well I'd polish those off in no time! Turned out Danica didn't like them either ha ha. One day I tried to cut off the coconut and them eat it. Didn't work very well, it was coming apart and still tasted like coconut. I tried it again another day though. Talk about insane right?
Well I'm sad to say in 3 short months I put 18 lbs back on. But some of it has been easy to shed. Since Jan 8 I've lost 11 lbs, and I can fot in everything I was wearing when I got to Calif. Hmmm but I exercised...so that means that food really is it. For gaining and losing anyway. The exercise is really for my health. But the problem is that when I stress I eat. I mean it's a better solution than drinking- which is what I did for years....but it still means I'm not great at coping with stress. Which is kinda funny since I've always had stressful jobs and found myself in soooo many stressful situations over the years. Aha! Meditation. I have learned that there are lots of solutions to lots of stressors- I leanred that via 12 step program- yeah thank God I'm in recovery. But it's such a life long journey isn't it? Ha ha I made a funny- life is lifelong!

Well last Sunday nite we went to a free 2 hour Buddhist meditation group. I was so happy Everardo came with me. And he liked it; I think he's going to keep going with me to it. It just started, and many in the group have been meditating for years but a few are new. The meditation group I was part of in Mexico was more of a guided meditation & book discussion. Not sure what this one is. The leader was stuck in traffic and was not there, so another person (not sure of the word) lead meditation sittings, and talked a little bit but I think the leader will speak of the Buddha. One of the leaders came up and talked to me at the break and told me just to practice sitting with myself for now.

Right outside of town is the City of 10,000 Buddhas. I knew it was there and I was planning on checking it out, hopefully taking a class of some type of instruction. Then I got a msg from our realtor- she is a very nice young woman- probly mid 30's, and she knew I was interested in the place- she found out that the Sunday nite group was starting here in town and it's less than 10 min from our house. So cool- I'm excited about what I may get from it on a spiritual level...and as a solution to stess...aha!

So the magic path. The place I was talking about where I go hiking now; well I've been doing it 3 days week for about 3 weeks I guess. I walk by myself, although the day Halla came up to see us and the new place she wanted to hike so she and I and Sam & Daisy (her dog and ours) walked it. She really liked it. I'm hoping Halla and I are building a relationship. Yeah yeah if you've been reading my blog then you know I've said this before ha ha. And I always get hurt when she blows me off. Well I'm trying very hard to have no expectations. In fact the 3 months we were in Santa Rosa while we looked for this house, well I saw her for a total of about an hour by herself and maybe 2 hours in a group. Not on Thanksgiving and when on Christmas all I got was a text, I was done. So for New Years I sent her a msg (she doesn't answer her phone) and let her know I loved her more than life itself and hoped that maybe in 2016 we could build a relationship- but she would have to initiate it. That I love her but could not, would not chase her anymore. A month went by, and I asked the universe every day to be able to accept that my daughter didn't wish to have a relationship with me. To remember this was not new news. That I investigated myself- my intentions, my motives and believe I was doing all I could. But I can not make some love me or want to be around me. That it was about her, not me. And then she texted me. And wanted to come up. So we are texting, we had a beautiful day that day and I'm hopeful for more. Vamos a ver (we'll see).

As always I digress. The path. I didn't know what I would get from walking that path. I'm so grateful and look forward to it every time. Ha ha although tomorrow is zumba day now that I'm talking about it I want to walk. But I was also thinking that since Saturday is not a regular exercise day I could walk but at a slower pace, and notice more. It's a hike and I push myself to walk fast. I do see so much even at the faster pace; today I saw a salamander, a banana slug, & a deer. The trees are so beautiful, the moss, the leaves, the needles, the water- streams and tiny waterfalls; the larger stream, the sound of the water. Yesterday we took a road we hadn't yet out towards the coast. We went to Willits and then out from there (maybe highway 20). We drove thru redwoods, mountains and valleys, fog and drizzle and sun. It was an amazing beautiful drive. It reminded me of when we drove thru Nayarit. The same greenery, waterfalls along the way. Wispy fog, sun, all of it. But in the end the redwoods are what affect me the most, and those were absent in Nayarit. (But I do understand why the call it the Nayarit riviera! So beautiful). The place I hike is like that. It was the route we drove, only close up and personal. I know I have mentioned before that I like to pray out loud, talk out loud to the universe. And the vineyard near our house was good for that when I was walking Sam. Well this park is about 5 minutes in the other direction.

Half a mile. I actually drive it instead of walking because I want to get up in the hills, and since it takes me a little more than an hour of hard hiking- when I finish I'm pooped out and soaking wet- so happy to drive the 5 min back home ha ha. The first 20 minutes or so is uphill. In fact the path to get to where the hiking path starts is uphill. Ha ha I'm breathing hard by the time I hit the trail. It winds up the back of the hill, under trees and thru the brush and the ferns. When I can start to breathe I start to pray. I thank the universe for this day, for every day that's come before this one, and any day that may come after. Today I talked and like Tues I just began to be a part of the trail, I was breathing in the trees, my footsteps- I could feel each part of my legs, my muscles in my thighs. I felt like I was part of the forest. I'm starting to see that I am the best me I have ever been. I am happier than I've ever been. I am in better physical shape- I've never kept up an exercise program this long- coming up on 2 years. My spiritual self continues to enhance- I guess that's the word. I'm working on parts of myself. I'm a better person- I try hard to be nice to people, to be helpful, to be of service. I'm even seeing that the awful person I was while we were in Santa Rosa, well that is a lesson to me that when things are good I fly around the room in my serenity cape, but when things are not so good- I stress out. I eat, I am judgmental, I don't want to go on about that right this second because I'm so happy about what I'm getting from my hike! Awareness. Serenity. Forgiveness. Acceptance. These are the things I want in my life and when I'm walking in those woods I can articulate it, ask for it. Recognize things about myself. It's like my rock in Playa Ventura. When I felt so isolated and I started sitting out there by myself and talking to the universe and how my spirituality began to grow. I'm getting those feelings again. It's so awesome.
So I don't have any pics for this time. I need to download from my phone in order to put them here. I think I'm probly going to start using this dear diary blog for my weight loss and exercise journey as well as talking about life here. It is different from Mexico, and while I used to live just a couple of hours south of here, after being in Mexico I see things differently. Ha ha we try not to be as wasteful as we used to be. Even not flushing the toilet a hundred times a day...for me putting the paper in the basket is now normal from doing it in Mexico. It's just him and I, and if I know someone is coming over I flush and empty the baskets. We look for simple foods. I never realized how much frozen food there is! Aisles and aisles of it! In Mexico it was pizza and ice cream and that was about it. Oh and for sure we are drinking our protein shakes. Haven't been juicing, but it's coming. Ok enough for now. Viva

northern Calif living

OK- this is what it looks like when I'm exercising in my backyard. It's been raining almost every day since we got here on Dec 30, but we've had a few days, here and there with clear skies. On this morning I had to stop exercising to take a picture of the rainbow. I don't want to post any pics of inside the house yet because it needs paint! I always like bright colors; always shades of purple and green, and not sure what else, maybe some brick red or ornage the color of cantaloupe. Right outside the back sliding glass door we have a cement patio, maybe 5 feet wide that goes along the back of the house. Not all the way but long enough for me to do my zumba workout. It also has a cover- the roof overhangs the patio portion so I can dance even if it's raining. This is the back left corner of the yard, but we're at the back end of a court so our yard is really big, sorta goes with the curve of the street so we have really big side yards. I'll take more pictures when the rains are gone and the trees grow leaves. There's also raised beds on the right side, and Everardo has already planted 2 trees- one peach and one green apple.

These 2 photos are where I walk Sam. Just a couple of blocks over and the houses stop. We're at the north end of town, there's these huge fields of grapes with open grassy fields around them. Sam is in heaven sniffing around and splashing in all the mud puddles. It's a nice place for me to walk because we're alone out there and I can talk out loud with nobody to hear me. That's how I pray, how I talk to the universe. I need to do it out loud, otherwise if I'm praying inside my head, other thoughts barge in....I'm asking the universe for guidance and at the same time remembering I need to get milk, or pay the electric bill! But if I talk out loud I can focus on just one thing. So I love walking out there. I used to sit out on the rocks overlooking the ocean when we first got to Mexico, talking to the universe and finding my way. Then in Baja I sat out in my universe chair and talked, both at the beach and then in our last place- there I could sit out in front of the house and talk, it was far enough from the neighbors. Here I'm not sure. We're in a neighborhood with a fenced back yard, and yes I can sit on the bench we have on the front porch- and probably will. But Sam loves walking out there, so it's kind of a win win.
The second photo I took while walking out there with Sam. It was a cold day, but not raining that afternoon, and I was so surprised to see snow so close up there on the mountain. So pretty isn't it?
But boy it's been cooooolllddd! Very rainy "El Nino". It's really helping with the drought in Calif so I can't complain. And it's raining in Baja, too. I saw on facebook muddy water rushing down the streets.

It's so green here. I do love it. And Everardo found these trails last week that are amazing! It's like the redwoods, well I guess it is the redwoods but I think most of the trees are pine, and another type with more whitish bark. He runs the trail and I walk it- it takes me a little over an hour. In fact the first time it was an hour and a half but I was stopping to look, to oooh and ahhh, and take photos. The second day I did it in an hour and 9 minutes, and today it was an hour and 4 minutes. I do some short jogs in some places, but I can already feel my sciatic nerve starting to bother me, so no more jogging. I get this pain right above my right butt, and if I keep it up soon the pain will go down the back of my leg. That happened to me years ago, and that's why I do the elliptical and zumba- not running.

So my new health plan is to do zumba 3 days a week and the hike at least 2 days a week and maybe one weekend say as well. That walk is like meditating.....I'm falling in love with it. It's starting to feel exactly right to be here. Everardo walked the trail with me the first 2 times and today he ran it, but then started back the other way and met me, so walked part of it with me. Did I say how much I love him? The trail is really multiple trails, and they shoot off of each other. Someone told me you can walk across the back of the town in the hills! I only want to walk for an hour ha ha, so Everardo and I picked a trail that pushes him and pushes me. The first half an hour it goes up, then sort of dips and turns, then flattens out, then down some, then up again. Finally with weaves back down. The views are breath taking. I'm also back to counting calories and choosing smart calories like veges and fruit, peanut butter of course and my protein shake when I finish my workout.

So the routine I created in Mexico is working here just fine. I always review and revise and I love adding the hike. Actually I had been planning to add the hiking in Baja at our last place since it was on a hillside and I heard there were trails, but then we left, so I started it here. The only difference I guess with the trials are that the dog has to be on his leash. Not in the vineyards, but on the hiking trials. It's funny- while we were gone they stopped giving out plastic bags in the grocery stores, which is what we used for dog poop bags....so now I'm using 2 or 3 bags to buy veges to get them ha ha. When we see a dog run or park they many times have a supply of poop bags so I stuff my pockets with them. Also at the store if you want a paper bag you have to pay $.10 cents. I asked why and have gotten a few different answers, but the one I could buy was that they want you to bring your own bags- which we have at least started bringing in the car- but we never remember to bring into the store! It was super weird at Christmas time when we were buying gifts and they ring it all up and then just hand you the tag. Remember when you buy a bunch of stuff and places like Sears or Wallmart have those gigantic plastic bags? Yeah no more, just juggle all that stuff out to your car. I wonder if more stuff is getting shoplifted?

OK well here's some photos of the new hiking place: (viva)

I've been gone a long time. And now I'm back. However I'm not in Mexico. I'm in northern Calif in a town almost as small as the tiny town we left in Mexico. It's been a long time since I wrote anything here and so much has happened. Should I change the name of my blog to and now for northern Calif?

Well we've actually been in Calif since Oct, but it was kinda chaotic, living in someone else's house while trying to sell our house and buy another one up north. I read the last post and we were thinking about leaving. Well, I told Everardo I missed Drew so much and he said- "lets go". It kinda happened whirl wind fast- ha ha like every time we make a decision to move.

So this is going to be a short post. Just to get me back into it. It's different here; different than Mexico. Funny, different than Calif before we left- I guess because I look at things differently now. Oh man being able to lean down and get a drink of water out of the kitchen faucet! Not needing to carry toilet paper in my purse- except I still do. How expensive everything is. How trafficky! How I can read all the labels on the food in the store. How the frozen food section is miles long in EVERY store ha ha! How my eating habits have changed- I don't want frozen food. How green everything is. Yes there's green in Mexico- Nayarit is the most beautiful place I've ever seen; Guerrero was so green and lush and the mountains of Michoacan! But where we lived in Sonora- a desert! And Baja was pretty much of a desert as well. So all the shades of green are so wonderful! And we're so close to the redwoods.

So next post I'll write about our new house- which I love! So open and cozy. The vineyards down the street and the awesome hiking trails just a couple of blocks in the other direction. ......