A week of daily posts

Ok new day new week. (Monday April 25) I stayed true to my eating/exercise plan all last week and over the weekend. I woke up this morning- Monday morning- and I wasn't mad at myself for binging over the weekend. I went for my hike this morning..and honestly was a little afraid of falling again- well after I tripped that is. It was windy and cold this morning and unfortunately it's gonna be the same tomorrow. Ah well. Once I got into the woods it was warmer except for a few times when there was a long track coming around a corner and the wind seemed to blow right into my neck and shoulders. But but but the important part was that I was so happy because I was not trying to get rid of the weekend binge!! I have a picture of the blue bridge I think I wrote about the other day and the what most of the bridges look like on the trial. I think I can post a photo of my favorite part as well- my enchanted forest:

Tomorrow is weigh day, and even if I'm the same, I can tell my stomach is starting to shrink. Both yesterday & today I got really full and I ate the same dinner both nites. (huge plate of steamed broccoli & cauliflower, covered in an Amy's organic enchiladas, and some cottage cheese with cantaloupe) Ahh but tomorrow we buy more fresh crab (yipee) so crab louie tomorrow for din din. We also found a woman who sells fresh eggs from her chickens for a really good price so we'll be picking up more eggs from her tomorrow as well.
I did not ride my new bike today because of the wind but the neighborhoods in this area seem pretty bicycle friendly. I'll post a pic of my new bike this week- it's a beach cruiser and it's orange and pink!

Ok Tuesday April 26. Post 2 for this week. So I may not keep the pink and orange bike. Last week I tried to buy a Schwinn beach cruiser bike off of Craigslist for $45. That's a great price even for a used bike. I saw a pic of it and it has no fenders, a wide seat and is 2 tone green. Perfect (well not purple but I like green almost as much). Perfect price anyway- I looked up a new one and the cheapest model is about $180. But I wasn't able to go and get it the next day- it was in Santa Rosa and the guy had somebody else who also wanted it. So we let it go and went to Wallmart over the weekend and bought the orange and pink one....problem was we thought it was $99...still more than we wanted to pay, and then when we got to the register it was $149. We looked at each other and Everardo said- you want a bike- let's get it and I did want it....so we bought it. Yeah $150 is not a lot of money- but for me, not working means $150 is way too much to spend on a bicycle. That's why I was looking for a used one on Craigslist. I was being picky and the only one I liked was the green beach cruiser. And the truth is, if I buy one I don't like very much I will probly ride it less. Ok so skip to today. I got a text from the guy who had the green one and he still has it. Not sure what happened with the other buyer...but yippee now I get to have it. So tomorrow we'll take the new one back- I mean it's $100 cheaper- no brainer right? And even if Fruday comes and we drive down to get the green one and for some reason I don't like it or it's messed up or something- well I'll just keep looking at used bikes and find one. Yeah this feels right.

I shared for AA at the juvenile hall again tonite. The guy asked me if I would share there every 4th Tuesday each month, and I said sure. Those kids are a hard crowd ha ha. They don't say anything or ask any questions, most of them barely make eye contact. But last nite the guy I was with asked how many of them either had issues with alcohol themselves or inside their family and almost every one of them raised their hands. I think they listen, if just to be doing something out of their rooms (cells). I don't know if any of them have alcohol problems, but maybe in the future if they do find themselves thinking about it, they'll remember the meetings they went to while they were there....

So the weather is supposed to start getting better- warmer- and I'm thinking I can do bike rides in the afternoons. Not huge hard rides.....just around the neighborhood....but keeping me active. I exercise hard in the mornings, but many days don't do much else physical. Everardo has a fancy bike, we bought it used about 6 years ago (when we both had jobs ha ha); it's a Bianchi and even used they can cost $1500. Of course we paid way less than that- but still around $500 I think- it needed some repairs which her did. I had a beach cruiser then because like I said, I like to ride lazily around the neighborhood and he likes to ride for 100 miles! So I did good with food today; dinner was steamed asparagus & boiled chicken (sounds yucky boiled chicken but it's really good), and an Amy's organic spinach lasagna. I'm still under 1200 for today- yipee! I hiked hard- I ran alot of the way....still not half but getting there. Ha ha and I did not fall! Ok enough for today.

Ok Wednesday: Well I woke up and it was raining. I was gonna do the elliptical in the house, but I had a cup of coffee and snuggled on the couch, and decided to take today off. From exercise only. I am sticking to my food commitment. We didn't take the bike back because it was raining, so I went to an AA meeting at noon, and then this afternoon was the Buddhism class. It's funny, I always feel kinda high when I'm in that class. We didn't start at the beginning of the semester, in fact we've just been going for the last month and there's only 3 weeks left, but the concepts are so......well....way way out there that I have to just keep my mind open, let the stuff I can't get at all just float by and see what sticks. It's pretty cool. Next semester we'll know the book before it starts and be able to start at the beginning of the class. I'm not sure why it's free; I mean there's a university out there and it ain't cheap. But this class, which discusses one book per semester, is free. My plan this summer is to try to learn more about Buddhism on my own before the next class starts. I have one book called "Buddhism Explained", one about the 12 steps (AA) and Buddhism...and then a couple by the Dali Lama on specific subjects like Forgiveness, another called "Mindfulness" ...so I'll see what headway I can make... and here's some photos of the peacocks that are all over the grounds at the City of 10,000 Buddhas where our class is...

Writing this is helping me to keep my commitment to myself. My sister is going to be here in a few days from Florida/New York and she wants to doing some "right eating"...ha ha she's been on a road trip and staying with family & friends, and good eating habits kinda go out the window- believe me I know about that! So when she gets here we can eat right, hike, and support each other. I'm so happy she's coming to see our new house, and she hasn't seen Everardo in more than 4 years. They've talked on the phone but that's it. I saw her twice in the past 2 years but only because my brother in law was dying. Yeah that sucked. I think next month, May- is a year. I love how close we are and I think she'll find our house a home and be comfy here- at least that's what I'm hoping for. Ok enough for today.

Thursday: I think I might post after this one because I might not write tomorrow. But knowing I was gonna write every day was a big help to me. Back on Tuesday when I weighed I was happy. Then because I knew I might not be able to work out tomorrow morning (Friday), I weighed myself today after my workout...and was happy. I'm under 160. So I just looked back one year ago to what I was posting and the good news for me is that I am 12 pounds lighter than this time last year! Yipee. I guess that means I only lost 12 pounds in the past year...but ha ha that's not exactly true. I was at 17 pounds back on Oct 1, the day I left Mexico. Then in the ensuing 3 months living at my daughter's house (which became her ex fiance's house ha ha) even though I exercised I ate really badly...on a daily basis...so much ice cream...cookies, just crap I don't even care about it, but it was there and I ate it. And it got so that even if it wasn't there, I went and got it. So I put pounds back on. Then we moved up here and although I still kept exercising, I started (or continued) eating emotionally... Well,. let's see- no- I was ok in Jan and Feb, starting losing those pounds I put on...and then when I got into fear about having cancer return...well I "fed" my fear. But I'm ok now, back on track.

Today I had my best time yet on my hike: 55 min. That's running and walking....I can run much further than when I started, but not even half of the entire way. Early this afternoon we took the orange bike back, and then came home to get Sam and take him to the lake so he could go swimming. It's really good for his arthritic back leg, and he'll chase sticks in the water until we make him get out.

But he will really swim until we make him leave, and last time, about a week ago, after we got home, that evening he could barely walk and then next day he was hobbling as well. He's our happy boy, though...limpy and sore most of the time. We love him so much- he's our baby. Ha ha he's traveled alot more than alot of people.

A year ago we were still living on the beach in Ensenada. I was about to leave for Key West Florida to be with both my sister. Now I'm waiting for big sister to get to little sister's house, and in a few days she'll be here to stay with us for a week. She may be here when we get to the day of Barry's death- first anniversary. I wonder how she's feeling about things after a year? I know she wants to come here to chill out. It's been a long road trip, her and Emmy her cutey pie dog. I'm open to whatever she wants to do or talk about- or not. I was teaching English to adults a year ago...it would be very cool if I could find something like that to do here. I know there's a huge Latino population here...of course- this is Calif...and back before we left for Mexico, my Spanish teacher took me with him a couple of times out to Graton (small town in Sonoma County) to work on English with the guys who were migrant workers...so maybe Everardo can find somewhere here I can be of service.

We were so happy with our life a year ago, and I believe we are feeling the same serenity, the same kind of happy right now. We are settling in here. Everardo's been going to NA meetings while I go next door to AA meetings; basically we just want to go to different meetings to give each other space- we could both go to both- anyway people are really responding to him, they like his input, his shares, his way of thinking and living. I know he feels really good about it, to be of service to people who are suffering. The lake is so close, and he loves to fish, we're thinking of getting a kayak or some kind of little boat, Sam could swim all day, I love to read in a beach chair, play with Sam...yeah & I like the boat idea. The lake is 10 minutes away and the park where we hike (ok he runs the whole thing), is less than 5 minutes away. I gotta take some pictures of the garden he's started, and our neighborhood is friendly and quiet. We are pretty happy with the second used car we just bought..and yeah life is pretty good. I am going to keep this commitment to myself! Exercise and right eating. Ok here's some pics of a happy life:

Oh that dog is Cookie, Drew's dog who came to spend the nite with Drew a couple of weeks ago. Sam & Cookie grew close while we lived with them.

And last but not least some silly bird Christmas ornaments I bought at a garage sale up here, and the green one is for Drewy and the red one is for Halla. ok viva! (hmmm maybe I should start posting about this little town now that the weather is getting hot and I'm out & about more....)


 

Don't run downhill

Ha! Everybody knows not to run downhill...right? Or don't eat yellow snow. Well have you ever seen a dog catch a fish?

That's my Sam the wonder dog! Ha ha ok but what about running downhill? Ok the other morning I was on the trail doing my morning hike. I'm getting better; I run parts of the trail now. The first time I walked the trail it took me an hour and a half. Now it takes me right around an hour. When I run parts of it I can do it up to 5 minutes less than an hour. So Thursday I was trying to beat my time since I was running and still ok. I came around a corner that was sloping down- I was at the end of the trail where it comes down out of the hills. After the corner I decided to run to the next corner ( I usually don't ever run on the downhill parts and never around the corners going down- but Thursday was sooo focused ha ha). My foot hit a rock (or maybe a root) and when I tried to catch myself with my other foot, that one landed in leaves so I slipped and man when I hit the ground it hurt! Skinned bothe elbows, wrists, scraped my palms, and have a huge scratch on the front of one leg above the ankle and another big bruise on the opposite thigh. Rung my bell! Seems like the ground has gotten harder!

When I was drinking I fell down alot! I always had bruises that I didn't know how I got them. I fell off things and thru things..was always bumping into things. But it's been 15 years since I had a drink, and I just don't fall down that much ha ha! I'm amazed about how far I can run though. I mostly run on the flat portions or the uphill, and there's plenty of both. I read somewhere that running thru the woods is really good because the terrain is constantly changing, and that's true. I have to look at the ground the entire time- roots, rocks, and banana slugs, salamanders. I want to see those things. I want to see the deer, the turkeys, and the rabbits along the trail. Sometimes while I'm walking I do see those things. I see birds, I hear birds, I hear how the wind sounds thru the trees. Different in different trees. I hear water as I get closer to it. There's not as water in the creeks that run thru the woods as there was a month ago. But there's still some, little waterfalls and places where it's more...I think I go over 4 little bridges. The first one is a bigger bridge; it's blue and it's in the first 10-12 minutes or so. I know when I get to that blue bridge that the worst of it is already over. The steep uphill that starts my workout.

First I walk up a path, the slow steady incline- hate those right? It goes thru the park, up by this archery area, and then heads into the woods. I walk past this baby pine tree, and now it has really bright green starts on the ends of it's branches. I say "good morning beautiful tree" as I walk by. That helps me think of something besides how mush I hate the beginning of my walk- that slow steady incline. I think of how grateful I am that I get to walk in such a beautiful place. That I'm clean & sober and have the awareness to be grateful for a baby pine tree, a blue bridge across a stream in the woods, the feel of my own legs pushing, pushing harder to carry me along the trail. When I start into the woods the path continues to climb as it goes around the back of the hill, then a much steeper climb with switchbacks. Now maybe to an experienced runner and hiker it's baby stuff- my husband runs the whole way. I think running this part would be awesome because every single morning I think I'm not going to make it to the blue bridge. After the blue bridge the path is kinda level for a little while, then climbs and drops and turns but mush less steeply. It pops out onto a main trail but I run up and continue up another hill that comes to a loop. I try to make it to the beginning of the loop in 25 minutes, sometimes I make it, sometimes it takes me a little longer.

The very cool thing about the loop is the one section of redwoods. I call it the enchanted forest. I never run in that part. I say good morning family. That part always fills me up...with love, with gratitude. I can feel my family when I'm there. Sometimes I tell my mom & dad and grandma and grandpa and grandma that I love them. After that it seems easy to run the rest of the way. But I gotta not run the downhill part!

So it's Sunday evening and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I've been having a really hard time making it thru the weekends meeting the commitment I made to myself about food. I've blown it just about every weekend for the past couple of months. That would be fine if I was already at my goal weight, or close to it. I exercise every week day for at least an hour. This past Friday it was pouring rain so I couldn't hike and it was windy as well so I didn't want to dance (and honestly....I danced about a week ago, and the jumping hurt where my incision was, so I'm kinda worried about it, and decided to wait another month). But that's ok because I have my elliptical! So I jumped on that machine Friday morning for my workout. And I kinda dance when I'm on it... I sing out loud and swing around (even when I'm on one at the gym- never cared who looked at me- I am in the zone!) Funny thing- after hiking for the past couple of months I didn't realize how much stronger my legs are! I was killing it on the elliptical- the dancing is great cardio, good for my whole body, but I guess the hiking and walk/running it, well is making my legs stronger.

Ok so I workout. And I'm doing good with my food ....during the week...but I keep blowing it on the weekends. Last week our niece Stephanie came to see us; she's the one who lived with us for a year before we moved to Mexico. That was my excuse. The week before- I don't know- I think we were down in Santa Rosa or something- again no excuse because I could have made better choices but I didn't. Easter I had to eat lots of chocolate! And we barbecued for Drew and her friend Cory and her 2 kids...there were lots of good choices for me, but I didn't make them....I swear I could smell the chocolate.....and I also swear I could hear it calling me...(ok maybe that part's not entirely true).

So what's been happening is on Monday mornings I wake up and feel bad about myself. Like a failure. Like I could do better. Like I should do better. I know I need to give myself a break. But I also know that I do KNOW how to stick with the plan I made for myself. I did it for a year and a half. See I'm starting year 3 this month (April) but I have been up and down between 154 & 165 since the beginning of October. But even at 165 I'm down 64 pounds! It is a huge huge huge difference...in my life, in my mind, for my health. It started as me trying to control something in my life- because I felt so powerless over having cancer. And maybe I can't stop it from coming back, but I can certainly do some preventive things...like being a healthy weight, eating healthy, exercising, having a healthy lifestyle. Ok anyway this weekend- I DID IT! The nite is not over yet, so plenty of time to blow it, but just writing this motivates me. And yesterday and last nite my body was in total defiance- it kept telling me to feed it- some sugar, some chocolate....something! A cheeseburger, some chips...something! And because I know I made nutritious choices for my 1200 calories, I knew that the cravings had to be in my head. I try to eat 1200 calories or less every day. And I try for things that fill me up. My next official weigh day is Tuesday and I know I will be happy. Crab season finally opened and we're going to buy some more that I can divide into portions of 8 ounces and freeze it. Yeah I know- fresh crab is best, but when we crack it and freeze it, it tastes pretty damn good when I thaw it out and make my little crab louie.

But I do have to keep working on my stinking thinking. I have always been an emotional eater. You know- food is love. Food is a reward, a relief, a comfort. When I'm sad I want comfort food- like macaroni and cheese. When I'm mad or stressed I crave chocolate. Sometimes I crave salt...nit sure what emotion goes with it ha ha. But I notice when I'm busy, or having a good time, hours can go by and I don't think about eating. So maybe it's a bit of a problem when I'm home so much...I kinda cruise the kitchen...eating is a habit- almost like smoking. So I can work on it. And luckily Everardo is not a crap eater- he snacks on fruit or vegetables. We have a kitchen full of green apples, bananas, oranges, cut up cantaloupe. I also have these ginger cookies from Trader Joes, they're tiny and 10 calories each. I can't really eat more than three or it the ginger bothers my stomach. I also have some protein bars (kashi brand I really like). They have chocolate bits and/or almonds, I have some Fiber one low calorie treats. I can't completely cut out things or I'll just explode and binge at some point. One thing I really miss is french bread- man I love it so much....but bread is bread...I eat these small round breads....because i need something to hold my natural peanut butter! (which I eat every day) If I had to only have one food the rest of my life it would be peanut butter. Ok my thinking. I don't need much...and I need to recognize the cravings when they start. But I just came to that conclusion- and it happened because I'm writing it here. I have to pay attention. I need to remember that the gift of awareness is one I need to use every day. 15 years ago my habit was drinking, and today it never enters my mind. I just need to let go of snacking. Pick up a pencil and write something instead of picking up a handful of cookies or chips. Hmmm good idea...I'll try it this week. Ok so I think I'm done for now. So I'll finish with another picture of my amazing dog Sam. Love him sooo much! Viva!

Barefoot in the middle of the nite

It's taken 6 months but the last few nights I've gotten up to pee and padded barefoot to the bathroom. Yeah I know this sounds weird, but 4 and a half years ago I would have thought that one always goes barefoot when living by the beaches in Mexico...wrong! And barefoot outside as well- yipee!

When we first got to Mexico and lived in Playa Ventura, Guerrero I saw a scorpion in the sink as we were moving in. Then in some laundry, another day a big one on the patio that was waving it's tail at a puppy who was barking at it. (smart puppy lept it's distance). We were about 2 hours south of Acapulco, right on the beach, and it was the tropics; we didn't even have hot water and didn't care. Ever. It's hot and humid day and nite, 24/7, all the time. (of course no air conditioning- half the time we had no electricity)We had tile floors but they were never cold. (I picked out that tile...well in the addition part of the house anyway, so the living room and bedroom. The kitchen was across the cement patio and the floor was already tiled. The upstairs, which you had to go outside to get to was also tile but not the pretty design I had picked out. I'll try to find a picture of it. When I started writing this blog I never added any photos so there's probably no pics of the floor. Hmmm well maybe because once I started adding photos I probably went back. Ha ha as always I digress....

Found some photos real quick. You can see my beautiful tile. And our wacky paint job. My amazing husband painted with all the colors I chose. He built shelves for my bathroom stuff and the bookshelves in the living room. Then we had someone make the 2 dressers in the bedroom and the long cabinet in the kitchen. How cool is that? Right? I actually got to say what I wanted the furniture to look like and then this guy made them. Sadly though, when we left, that "made for me" furniture stayed. I gave the kitchen piece to my friend Chela, and we gave the dressers to Jay, the guy who took care of the house for us.

So the scorpions were the reason I always wore flip flops in the house. Day or nite. I had a pair I kept next to the bed since I'm always getting up to pee. Outside- well it was always hot, so the sand was always really hot, and the road was dirt and so rocky, so I always wore flip flops or sandals. When I went in the ocean I always wore water shoes or sandals. Partly for rocks, and partly because I just have always worn shoes in the ocean or in rivers/lakes. When we got to Penasco and Baja there were so many sting rays it was a very good idea to wear shoes in the ocean. (Ok Penasco was Sea of Cortez or Gulf of Calif). In Playa Ventura I would see iguanas on the rocks on our beach, and one day a parrot walking down the road! Sounds so funny right? And then of course my story about the chicken fighting a huge tarantula! I watched- mesmerized- from the safety of the taxi I was in ha ha, and by the way the chicken won in the end- pecked that big spider to death. Made me look at chickens different after that! Yeah then last year when I was in Key West Florida when my brother in law was in the hospital, and I went outside to use the phone...and that rooster "looked at me menacingly" - I knew he wanted me to drop the chips and back away. I was eating chips or something and that crazy rooster just walked right up to me! Ha ha then later my little sister apparently took a picture of it and blew it up to 5x7 and gave it to me. I have it in a frame in my kitchen now.

Ok this is not a picture of the rooster that tried to extort me, but he looks just like him. In Key West both chickens and igunas are all over the place...wild. The chickens and roosters are in grocery store parking lots and parks, and the iguanas are near the water, in the grass. It's so crazy! But funny thing is, if I hadn't had lived down in Guerrero - in the tropics- I would have been really freaked out by the iguanas...instead I just thought it was weird like the chickens!

So- back to the barefoot me. Ok so we moved to northern Mexico after only 6 months in the tropics- yeah the weather was killing me! But- we moved to the desert! We weren't on the beach but only a 10 minute drive away. We stayed a year; the winter was cold and rainy, but the spring, summer and fall were SO hot! And although we had hot water we had no heat and of course no air conditioning. The floors again were either tile or cement, and again, there were scorpions.  I was told- oh the tiny ones are more dangerous...Boy I learned back in Guerrero and it was the same in Penasco- wear shoes and never never put your hands in places where you can't see. Don't reach way back on shelves or under things. So I wore flip flops or shoes inside and out, as well as in the water. After a year we visited Baja and I was soooo excited about the weather. That's when I realized that climate is everything! So we moved to Baja, and lived at the beach again. For about a year and a half we lived in a mobile home on the beach and although I never saw a scorpion in the house I wasn't taking any chances. I wore shoes. I went outside to the beach every day, but unfortunately in Baja, where we were, the beaches have alot of people for holidays and alot of rentals, and the beach can have broken glass, so shoes again, plus sting rays.

Our last couple of months in Baja were on a hillside, and we found scorpions almost every day. OK so this has been a long story about wearing shoes! ha ha. Now we live in northern Calif, and I haven't seen a scorpion, or even heard of any. Our living room and bedrooms are carpet so the floor is warm. I still keep slippers or flip flops on my side of the bed; but in just the last week I've gone to the bathroom in the middle of the nite barefoot. I've started walking thru the house barefoot. I walk outside down to the street to get the mail, barefoot. I guess this all sounds kinda silly. But I grew up in Calif, barefoot all summer, and never thinking about it in the house; slippers were for winter or when it was cold or rainy. And my dreams of living in Mexico were always with bare feet on the beach. We've been back 6 months now, and in this house for 3...and I'm just now going barefoot. Viva

Hiking and other things...like food....

So these are pictures of where I hike in the mornings. It takes me about an hour and 5-10 minutes. Sometimes I run thru part of it. It's funny as I get better at it, I find myself wanting to run hard- but later I'm always sorry ha ha!! The first 15 minutes is mostly uphill, (read painful), and then begins to wind down, around and up a little more. Anyway it winds thru these hills, so pretty. There's this one portion that's redwoods & ferns...just a small area, but it makes me feel like when we were camping as kids. I always slow down for a moment, and lately say 'hi family"...I can almost feel my mom and dad right there. Then there's this overhang; it's a big tree that has fallen over another tree and I walk under it as I leave this enchanted area. I always say, "safe passage". Not sure why, I just do. I look forward to my walk every day, although I don't do it on the weekends, well sometimes....

I talk to the universe on these hikes. Its my way of praying. I need to talk out loud to stay focused- otherwise my peabrain has too many things going on at once. I'm trying to pray to be a better person, for guidance, for insight...and then realize I'm making a grocery list at the same time in another part of my head. But when I talk out loud I'm much more focused. And lately I have really needed some guidance. I'm really struggling with food. I think I started spinning out of control while I was sitting in fear about whether I had breast cancer again. Which I do not.

I really understood how much fear I was in AFTER I found out I was fine. Weird eh? But the relief- actually flooded- flooded in. I felt it wash over me. That's when I realized how scared I was. Funny (not) but I was so busy trying to be in acceptance over it- that if I had cancer I would just put one foot in front of the other. That I didn't die from it before, and I wouldn't this time either. I told myself how worry can't help me, but it CAN hurt me. I said all the right stuff. And yet I was scared anyway. So then I started thinking what a loser I am- I talk all this crap about one day at a time, about acceptance, faith, but in the end I was so scared. I started doubting everything about myself. Was I a big fake? Had I made any progress at all? I did this for days. And then I stopped. I forgave myself for being human. I told me it was ok to be scared. But to admit it, and then move forward anyway. All this probly sounds ridiculous- everyone knows that courage is being scared but moving forward anyway, right? Ok so thru all that, my lovely "isms" went full speed ahead.

So I'm an alcoholic in recovery- I haven't had a drink in 15 years...but the "isms" are still in me. What I mean is alcohol was the thing I had to take out of my life so I could see myself clearly and decide who I wanted to be going forward. Over time I became addicted to alcohol. I always drank too much when I drank. I never ever just had a beer, or a glass of wine...I always had as many as I could. I drank to blackout, to pass out...to throwing up...ha ha never pretty at the end. When I finally quit drinking I thought everything would be great. Ha ha - wrong. I was still obsessive about...well everything. I'm obsessive with alcohol, with food, with work, with relationships...yep with everything. It's like that Wack-a-mole game. When I feel like I'm making progress in one area...another issue pops up ha ha! I know this- all my character defects lead to fear. When I'm selfish, when I'm angry, when I'm greedy...if I follow the thread it always leads back to fear. I also know that acceptance- gets rid of fear. I know that belief in something bigger than me- gets rid of fear. Being grateful gets rid of fear. And I have EVERYTHING to be grateful for. 2 amazing daughters, an equally amazing husband, the best dog ever, we've landed in a great little town in northern Calif that has hiking trails 5 minutes from my house and a huge lake to Everardo to fish in just a 10 minute drive away. I've been so lucky on so many levels; jobs, friends, family, being able to travel around the world. So gratitude and acceptance along with a spiritual path....that's right! Goodbye fear!

Ok so this thing with the food. The other day I realized I was feeling exactly the same way I felt at the end of my drinking...sneaking around, lying....I'm doing it with food. Buying a couple of Kit Kat bars and hiding them in my purse when I just ran in for dog food or dish soap. When Everardo said he was going fishing the other day- I said I wanted to stay home and read in yard- but was thinking about as soon as he left I could stuff my face with American cheese and bread! On Sunday I went to the grocery store....by way of 31 Flavors where I had a 3 scoop hot fudge sundae!! (Jamoca a;lmosn fudge, chocolate chip mint, gold medal ribbon). I was standing in line behind about 4 extremely big women and a really big guy. I thought- well there I am. Hello! Did I walk out of the store? No! I ordered the sundae and honestly- it tasted like heaven! I had been to 31 Flavors in about 2 years...ha ha the justification begins..no- but in Mexico we discovered Thrifty ice cream which is awesome. And guess what? There's a drugstore in town here that has Thrifty ice cream! So I've been eating that. So- eating, no- binging on food, feeling like crap physically and mentally afterwards, ashamed and guilty, and then doing it again. Still exercising and thinking I can at least stay the same. WRONG. So last Friday was April 1, which means I'm starting year 3 of my exercise and eating better plan. On April 1, 2014 I weighed 229 pounds, on April 1, 2015 I weighed 178 pounds, and on April 1, 2016 I weighed 165 pounds. Ok yes I have lost. But the truth is last summer I hit 154 pounds. And on March first, I was 158. When we moved back up here I messed up with food while staying at my daughters. AHA see the pattern? When I start stressing out, I've been turning to food. My solution. Yes better than alcohol....but....So yesterday I went to an AA meeting, and found a way to share about this. I mean it's not alcohol, but like I said, the behaviors are the same. In AA I found new solutions to my every day life problems and I need to go at this food issue the same way. So I talked about my feelings and that helped. I love 12 step meetings because it's people looking for postive solutions to their problems, people looking for a spiritual path. So now I'm writing about it here, because I want the positive feelings to continue.

I'm lucky because my husband is not a garbage eater. He snacks on fruit. Veges. He doesn't eat breads or cookies (well he eats tortillas with his meals ha ha). So the kitchen has mostly good stuff in it. And the funny thing is- I can feel when the craving hits. I get mad and I think of a Snickers bar. Or ice cream. And if I have something like that- well I assume I'm addicted to sugar...and chocolate. Once I start I just can't stop. But it happens with everything...just give me some garlic bread and I'm off to the races ha ha. But as soon as I finish writing this I'm going to google some low cal recipes. Maybe I need some variety; I've been eating steamed shrimp & veges, boiled chicken, fish and crab for almost all my dinners for the last 2 years. Also doing zumba every morning. So maybe to go with the change to hiking I'll change some of my menus. And I know the big thing I have to learn is balance. With alcohol I simply abstain. I don't drink, I don't smoke & I don't do drugs. But with food I have to find some balance. But honestly- I need balance in all areas of my life. So I'm also going to put some zumba back into my routine. (fact is I LOVE to dance!)...see? A little balance.

So this is a short post, but I needed to share it. And hey- I love when cycles happen....I started with hiking and now I'm back to it. So I'll post a couple more pics of where I go....ooh maybe I can find a pic of me doing zumba ha ha!!

I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!! YIPEE

Yep I don't have cancer. The word relief just does not cover my feelings right now. Yesterday around noon the dr called me. He asked if I had a minute to talk; if it was a good time. I tell you- in the split second before I answered that question a million scary thoughts rushed thru my pea brain. Oh if he's asking if I have a minute to talk then he must have details- bad details. Oh God I must have cancer. I can't believe it. I have to face the treatment again. What does this mean- that I have it again? Does this mean I'll get it again and again? These thoughts and more came to me in the tiny moment between the dr asking me if I had a minute to talk and my answer of "of course!" And then he said- "you're fine" You have no cancer. We think that when you healed in 2009 that some liquid was present and sat, then the scar tissue wrapped around it...it was a fibrous cyst. Nothing to worry about. I cried.

I didn't even realize how scared I had been. I had been going to more meetings, talking about fear. I was also talking about acceptance. As I hiked my magic trail I talked out loud to the universe about acceptance. I talked about the possibility of having cancer again. That I wouldn't die from it. I had been there before. Yeah the treatment sucks but I would survive it. I thought I was facinfg my fear and let it go. Maybe I was....a little. But maybe I was pushing it down. Because when the dr told me I was fine, I felt like something fell away from me; like I had this coating on me that fell off me. That my skin had been so tight, and I didn't notice until all of a sudden I could breathe again. That the air felt clear and fresh. Every color was suddenly so vibrant. So I guess I was more scared than I thought I was. I kept telling myself I've been working hard to take care of myself- exercising and eating right. I have really changed the way I eat, the things I eat. And the truth is I'm healthier than I've ever been. I got scared though, I suddenly felt like such a loser, like I was pretending somehow, and that it would all crumble around me. This is a scary concept- that I was getting depressed and not really acknowledging it. It shows me how much more work i have to do on myself. I want to live in acceptance, in faith in the universe. And to have less fear about the things I have no control over- and that's everything. Everything except my attitude. Wow- is it ALL lessons? So I'm feeling pretty good now.

My health insurance is not straightened out yet. And of course this health scare happened in the middle of that. But I will say I didn't let that make me crazy after the initial- really? All this at once?
But I knew, if I did have cancer I would simply stay with Kaiser thru treatment and pay the total premiums myself. Lucky for me I have the money to do it. It would suck ha ha- I'd have to go back to work sooner than I planned- I'm hoping to not have to get a part time job until the end of the year, but I will if I have to. Because we moved north, good old Cov Cal won't let me stay in Kaiser because there isn't a Kaiser facility in this county. And without them, the premium is more than $600 a month. That's NUTS! Yeah 6 years ago I had breast cancer, but now I go to the doctor once a year. With Cov Cal I only had to pay a little over $100 a month. Ok so now I know I have to give up Kaiser after being with them for more than 10 years, maybe more than 15 years. But now I have a new problem. Cov Ca wants to see proof of my income or else they will send me to Medical. I told them that I work part time, for cash, but they said that wasn't good enough. The thing is I will start working this year, and I don't believe it's right for me to take Medical. I am not low income, I am not trying to find work and struggling. Ha ha if I have to pay $6-700 a month for health insurance I will be struggling and looking for work. This is insane! So when I had income (renters) and worked for Cedros I qualified for Cov Ca. But I saved my $ so when we first came back I wouldn't have to work. So anyway I have to call them again tomorrow and see what I can do.

Oh I did look online for "cheap" health insurance in Feb, knowing I was going to have to make a change. Huge mistake! My phone rings 20 times a day with people trying to sell me insurance or recordings doing the same. Actually in the last week it's down to 3-4 calls a day. But I had signed up back on the first day to start a new company in April....but it was very confusing and although it wasn't supposed to start until April 1, the emails said Feb 26. The guy on the phone gave me mountains of info, but when I tried to go to the website I didn't have my new id card yet and needed info from it. Then I got an email that my address was wrong- I called them and fixed it, but the id card and info still didn't show up for almost a month. Then I googled it- shit I wish I had done that first. The were not BBB accredited (Better Business Bureau), they had tons of complaints lodged and investigations. So I cancelled. I haven't gotten my $290 back yet...application fee and first month...but I have received emails confirming my cancellation and that the $ is coming. Some of the reviews had said they couldn't get them to cancel Mine might have been easier since I did it during the "30 day free look"- which I actually thought was not going to start until April 1. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. I know I am NOT paying hundreds of $$ per month for health insurance. Hmmm. I'm thinking that there probably is cheaper insurance out there- yeah the copays will be higher, etc, but I'm afraid to ask for any web info again; they're finally slowing down on the sleazy calls. And yeah I knew the guy was sleazy when I signed up with the first place- but I was in a panic over it and rushed forward. If I can't work it out with Cov Cal I will research, I will move forward slowly. I've worked hard to be able to have this lifestyle and I'm not giving it up because of the screwed up (yes fucked up) laws surrounding health care right now. I mean I knew if we came back to the states it would be expensive, but we lead a pretty simple life.

OK so I still haven't downloaded from my phone my latest pics so nothing to post- yes I'm lazy. Oh wait I was thinking back up there where I was writing about food- lazy and frozen food. We live near a Raley's, well near lots of grocery stores and I keep being amazed by all the frozen food choices. Yeah we were only gone 3.5 years, but was it always like this? Like 3 or 4 aisles of frozen  food? Every breakfast and dinner you can think of. In Mexico I swear the frozen food is pizza and ice cream. No frozen vegetables, or meals- meals by 10 different brand names. I'm glad I have kinda moved away from the whole frozen food thing- well except for Amy's organic enchiladas which i put over my steamed veges sometimes. Oh except for something about that as well! Amy's has 2 kinds of enchiladas; black bean vegetarian, and cheese. 160 calories and 240 respectively. I just happened to look more closely a couple of weeks ago....AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Those calories are per serving- and get this! Servings per container: 2!!!!!!! So pissed off!! That's the way they can make it look like low calorie! 2 servings my ass!! Yes there are 2 enchiladas to a package, 2 skinny, small enchiladas, the box is even small. How could it possibly be 2 servings? Maybe for a child, a small child, like a 6 year old and as long as they had a plate full of vegetables and maybe a baked potato as well, and dessert! So I was recording my calories wrong. This means the cheese enchilada is just off my menu. And the black bean vegetarian, just once in a while for a change. Because Everardo makes beans all the time and a half a cup of beans is 110 calories and fills me up quite nicely.

Honestly, in the past 2 weeks I have been binge eating. Fear eating. Ice cream, american cheese, all kinds of crap. Today I was much better. Tomorrow I plan to get back to exercising and be true to my food plan. My stitches are the dissolving kind and tape strips over them came off today.I just looked though, and one end is still not completely closed. So I guess I'll decided about hiking when I wake up. For sure no zumba the rest of this week. Maybe hiking, but I'm paranoid about it opening up. Ok it's a very short incision, maybe 4 or 5 stitches, but like i said, I have fear around the damn thing.

Ok here's a photo of Sam having an awesome day:

 The rock next to my foot- Sam went under water to find it and bring it to the side- ha ha. He is one happy boy.

Ok now for Everardo's idea of a great day:

He goes fishing alot, and the lake is so close- about 15 minutes away. He catches trout, bass, and croppie I think. They all taste good but I pass on the trout because all the tiny bones make it not worth the struggle to eat it! The tulips- well they were planted before we got here (of course- they're bulbs), but they are so pretty- and now we have red, pink and yellow. Everardo is planting like crazy, vegetables are going in and he planted an apple, an apricot and a peach tree in the backyard.

Ok and now what had made me happy:

Painting the inside of the house, making it homey. This is dining area of the kitchen...across from this wall is the table and a big window looking out to the front yard. We're at the end of a court, and kind of on the curve so our front porch is not visible to the street until you're right in front of the house, and being a court, it's a quiet street...loving it. The neighbor on the left is blocked by the garage, and on the right, they have a huge bush so we don't look at each other's porches. The front yard is the sunny side of the house and we have a bench on the porch and a nice tree- oh I guess I gotta take pics of that, right? Ok.....viva!

Lump removed....but still waiting

So- It's Friday, 2 days after having the lump removed from under the scar on my left breast. The scar was from a lumpectomy I had in 2009 for breast cancer. How pissed off was I when I felt a lump last week? Right? Ok and scared, like really really scared. So this past Wednesday I went in and had it taken out. Not full on surgery; meaning I was not knocked out. They gave me a local and did it while I was awake. Let me tell you- that freaking needle the dr stuck me with HURT like hell. I yelled a couple of very bad words. And then he stuck me again! Now the nurse told me that it numbs the area in less than 20 seconds, so he might have done it again but I didn't feel it. He told me beforehand that it was gonna hurt and he was right. He then told me that he could not blovk the sounds or the tugging feeling I would feel. I did not want to see the needle or any blood. I kept my head turned. But the noise- yeah I almost threw up. But I knew if I barfed it would really hurt. So instead I started talking to the nurse so I wouldn't hear it or think about the tugging I felt.

The nurse was so nice; she held my hand while I got stuck with the needle and I asked her to hold my hand again as he started working. The noise was like a scraping- that's what made me feel sick- makes my stomach a little woozy just writing it. So I told her about the place I hike. I told her about the section where it becomes mostly redwood trees, more than any other part of the path. It's a short patch, and as it changes there's this kind of overhang made by a bending tree and one that had fallen onto to the bended trunk so I sort of pass underneath and I always say goodbye to that part of the trail. As I come into that part of the trail I say hi to my family; it reminds me of being a kid and going camping with my parents and my brother & sisters. I love that part of the trail.

So I still felt some of the tugging; but I just kept talking. The whole thing only took about 15 minutes. The doctor said it was a solid "thing". I asked if it had a tail or root or was it just a "thing". He said no root, just a "thing". I asked if it could be a cyst- he answered he didn't cut into it- that's what pathology is for. He said he didn't know what it was. He told me that it can take 10 days to find out, but that recently he's been finding out much sooner, and as soon as he knew, I would know. So- that was 2 days ago. I'm hoping by this time next week I will be writing how happy I am that it's not cancer. So my skin is sore. My arm is sore, my breast, really very close to the top- it's like my chest, is sore. I used ice packs the first day and one yesterday. I haven't hiked. My hike is pretty strenuous, especially at first, the first 15 minutes are straight up and windy and bumpy, so I decided to wait until Monday.

Ha ha of course since I'm not working out I thought that ice cream every day is a good idea! Last nite we went to this place we heard has good trip tip sandwiches, they were out- so yeah they're very popular. But then we went to another place where we already tried the burgers and they were great- and they had a very good tri trip sand....with french fries....and later- ice cream. The first day however I was beat. And I woke up the next day kinda depressed. I notice that happens to me when I get cut into (hmmm should I say duh, or ha ha). But I'm better now. I talked about my fear. I talked about being in the now, right here right now. So I'm ok.

In other news, our dog Sam hurt his back leg. He's been limping since last weekend and we took him to the vet on Monday. For only $325 (ouch!!) she told us he has bad arthritis. Yeah we know. So yesterday and today we took him over to Lake Mendocino so he could swim. He loved it. Actually I didn't go yesterday, I laid on the couch and read and felt sorry for myself ha ha. But I went today. Everardo fished a little, I read a little but mostly watched Sam. There was also a turtle hanging out on a stump poking out of the water; I tool his picture but it's on my phone so I can't put it on this post but I will next time. Sam is improving slowly; he has to take tramdol for pain, and only started eating almost normally yesterday. He hates the couple of steps up to the front door and the one step down going out thru the sliding glass door to the back yard. We're thinking about making that step into a ramp. Our yard is funny; the front yard is sunnier and Sam likes the front lawn. I bet come summer we'll be happy that the back yard is cooler since we keep hearing that summers are very hot here. Of course after Mexico- I think we can handle it. Down there we had no air conditioning or heat, and in one place no hot water for 6 months. So bring it on.

I went to get milk tonite and was thinking about Mexico. We were always smelling the milk- every day as soon as we brought it home from the grocery store. In Penasco, sometimes it went bad after one day so we started buying quarts instead of gallons. Then we figured out that the trucks that brought the milk to the stores near out house were not refrigerated trucks! Ha ha so delivered not cold then put into the cold storage in the store. Hmmmm. Down in Playa Ventura we never knew if there was going to be milk in the closest store. Some days they had milk but no cheese or bread. Or the had bread but no milk or cereal. Forget lunch meat ha ha. Costco was in Acapulco but that was 2 hours away and we never bought milk there. There was a Super Che a little over an hour in the other direction (south in the mountains), and we started going there almost once a week. It things you don't think about here, stores being out of basic stuff. Ha ha and the bank! Sometimes the atm had no money in it. If we got to town and saw alot of people around the bank, then we knew that somebody heard the money truck was coming, so we could wait if we wanted. If we wanted to do more than atm, then we had to drive an hour north up to Cruz Grande, and there was always a line out into the street to get into the bank there. In Mexico you need the bank for your utilities; the telephone company would tell you how much and then you would go pay it at the bank, then bring it back to the telephone company. Oh and when a new school semester was starting- don't bother going to the bank! The students all pay at the bank for their school tuitions. Not at the school. That one took us a while to figure out- we learned it in Ensenada.

So many things we take for granted here. I still carry toilet paper in my purse; in Mexico you have to. There may be public bathrooms everywhere but they NEVER have paper in them. And honestly, we traveled around Mexico alot, and I have to pee alot, so I peed behind boulders, bushes, cactus, the truck, behind building where the public bathroom was soo disgusting I just couldn't ha ha. So I peed my way across Mexico and always had paper with me. This habit has stuck with me. The paper I mean, not peeing on the side of the road ha ha! Yeah when I was in Florida on my sister's houseboat with the plumbing messed up- peeing in a bucket was fine with me!

Another thing was going barefoot. I never went barefoot in Mexico and you would think I would all the time. But no. Our first place, down in the tropics- there were scorpions all over the place. So the ground was too hot outside for barefeet, and inside the scorpions. That's where I also learned to not put my hand in places I couldn't see, like way back on a shelf or in a cupboard. Then we moved up to Sonora, another hot place, and again the scorpions. So when we got to Baja, actually I never saw a scorpion in the trailer and in the last few months I did actually start going barefoot in the house. Then we moved to the hillside and saw so many tiny scorpions- well I never went barefoot again! And I didn't go barefoot in the ocean either. I always wore sandals or old tennis shoes.

Now we live in a house with wall to wall carpeting everywhere but the kitchen/dining room. I always look for my slippers in the middle of the nite when I get up to pee. I always put them next to my bed so I can just swing my legs down into them. I don't need to, but old habits, right? I sometimes just wear socks in the house, and as it gets warmer, who knows, maybe barefoot it will be. I miss Mexico. Alot. And I learned so much. I'm so grateful for everything we have. I try hard not to be so wasteful, with water, with food, with clothes. I find myself thinking- well in Mexico we.....ha ha I try hard not to say it.

So anyway in a few days I'll know where I'm at. I'll share again. I'll try to post the picture of the turtle. OH- so this week hiking I saw a turkey, a rabbit, a deer, 6 salamanders and a banana slug. Viva

Sometimes all you can do is wait

Next Wednesday, at 3:30 in the afternoon, I'm having a lump removed from my breast. It's a small lump- I found it myself. Hard like a little bb. (Is that how you spell bb? The kind you shoot? Like in the movie Christmas Story- "you'll shoot your eye out!") It's right under- or right in, the scar I have above my left breast. Yeah I had breast cancer in 2009. I had a lumpectomy, then a summer of chemo, and after that radiation. It SUCKED. One of the meds I took made me depressed, really depressed. I finally told them and they had me stop taking it. One of the other meds kept me from sleeping at nite. I lived alone at the time and I would stare at the ceiling, and did I say I was depresed at the time? For the first time in my life I understood why people comtemplate suicide. Scared me. Alot. I also put on 20 lbs. You eat comfort food.

Ok enough talking about it. Oh wait- and yes I was bald for a few months, but I also didn't have to shave my legs or armpits for a whole summer ha ha.
Ok that's it. They did not say I have cancer again. What they said was they are "concerned". I found the lump this past Monday after my hike. Yeah right when I was feeling great. I went to the doctor that afternoon who took a look and said if I hadn't had cancer before he would just think it was a cyst, but given my history he was concerned. So then I had an appointment with the breast cancer clinic, but not until Thursday. We woke up Thursday to a horrible rainstorm. We wanted to leave at 6am because the appt was all the way down in Terra Linda. So then we go out to the truck and the garage door won't open. But it has 2 doors, and he was able to back it up and go forward at an angle until he got it out the other door. We could barely see and I was worried about when we got to Santa Rosa and the commute traffic got heavy with all that rain...well an hour later we got there and to our surprise no traffic. And none for the next few cities on the way even though there's usually bad traffic every day from about 6:30am -9am. Finally when we did hit bumper to bumper traffic- the rain stopped- I mean completely! SO weird. I thanked the universe though. It had to rain so there was no traffic, then when there had to be traffic, no rain. I had asked the universe to help us to travel safe- and it did.

So- I had a mammogram and a sonogram. Inconclusive. But the answer from the two doctors involed was- because of your history we have concerns. So let's get this taken care of; it's close to the surface and small so no point in taking a little piece, let's just take it all and send it to pathology. I agreed of course. But now that's not until next Wednesday. Am I ok? I guess so. I was pretty scared when I was having the tests done and when the surgery was scheduled. And it's not in an operating room- I will not be knocked out. Just a local, which the dr said the shot is VERY uncomfortable. (oh thanks). But now I'm better.

Except I swear every news story I open is about cancer. And a guy from years ago that I worked with popped up in my facebook as one of those people "you might know"' I looked at his page, and went ahead and sent a friend request. His wife of like 30 years died in December from cancer. I know it's just me obsessing about this. And I also know I DON'T have cancer. It is simply going to be a cyst, or scar tissue. Maybe because I lost weight the area changed. I don't know how long it's been there. I don't remember when I checked myself last, but I do know I touch the scar all the time. It's weird because I have a dent under the scar. I remember at my last mammo- back in August the technician telling me that the dent is normal. That everyone thinks fat is fluid and would just fill in the area where they took out the tumor last time. And it was really tiny- I never felt it, the mammo spotted it. Anyway she said fat is a solid, and so I will have the dent. I still always touch it.

I'm writing about it because I don't know how I feel. I want to say whatever it is, I'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. Everardo said that from the get go. He said let's just find out what it is and take care of it. Nothing to be scared of, whatever it is, we'll do the next right thing. I feel better writing this though. I told my daughters. Drew was not happy that I didn't tell her on Monday, but at that point I didn't see why I should worry her. But after the appts on Thurs. I knew I needed to tell her and Halla, too.

Just thought I'd add a couple of pictures to make myself feel better. The tulips are in our backyard and the path is where I hike.

To add to the stress this is the month I was going to change health insurance companies. I have to get rid of Covered Calif which has been a huge huge hassle the entire time. If they were not a government business they would be out of business! So unorganized, idiots work there. So now they want me to prove my income- which so far this year I don't have...but plan to. They will send me to Medi-cal. Then when I get a part time job I'd go off it. Medical has a 6 month back up for paperwork, but I don't believe I should have it anyway because I'm not working because I don't want to- not because I'm struggling. I'm also now living outside where they have Kaiser so they also would make me change companies. So I decided to just let go of them and get a different insurance here. I have to let go of Kaiser because I can't afford the premium without Covered Calif- it's like $600 a month. So I went online and found insurance for $165 a month and it starts March 25. So I still have Kaiser thru March. Ok so hopefully this lump is just a cyst, and will be taken care of in March, and I'll change companies in April. If it is cancer, then I guess I'll have to pay the huge premium thru treatment. And I have the money to do it- if I have to. Ha ha meaning I guess I'll have to start working a little sooner. So I was adding this stress onto the situation...meaning the insurance change and all of a sudden I need it. I go to the doctor like once a year- and now this. But this is nothing. A cyst, or scar tissue. Ok I feel alot better. Oh and last but not least I'm sober. For 15 years as of Feb 19. Yipee for me. I am one of the luckiest people I know. Blessed. Grateful for so many things in my life. Viva!