I just finished watching this movie from 2010 called "Extraordinary Measures", and I cried. I googled it (of course) to see if it was a true story right before the end, when I could tell it was, and I saw how the "critics reviews" called it a made for tv tear jerker movie. Assholes! It was a true story! Yeah sometimes life makes us cry for joy. There's so much bad stuff in the world and enough movies of violence and terror- my god how many ridiculously unreal shoot em up movies can all these hulks make, and apparently people love them cause they keep coming out. Die Hard number 87??? Really? Anyway that's just my opinion. I hate guns I hate war. I don't care that people yell and scream about their rights to have guns- I hate them. And come on- assault rifles? They are ONLY for killing people faster. Can we at least get rid of those? Yeah and I hate war. There's just no good reason, and yet the US has to stick it's face into every nook and cranny to be part of killing people. Killing is just wrong. Ok I'm done.
Maybe not. Today I went to the 10am AA meeting and this woman came in late, almost the end, but after the meeting she gave us each a small present. A chip, like the birthday chips we get in the program. In Feb, hopefully I will receive my 13 year sobriety chip. But we do it one day at a time, so that makes Feb pretty far away ha ha. Anyway it's like a plastic coin, maybe a little bigger (or maybe the smae size) as a silver dollar. This one was so cool, and so spot on, for me, today. One side says, "I am powerless but not helpless" and on the other side it says "We can't control the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails."
It such a precious gift. The topic this morning was partially about judgement and how we are not the judge of anyone besides ourselves. For me it connected to fear, like all my negative emotions and attributes, they always go back to fear. Because I used to judge others, if you were better than me I didn't like you because it made me less. If I judged that I was better than you, then I must be more. Wow pathetic eh? It took working the 12 steps of AA for me to see that what other people do and say does not make me...anything. If you say I'm bad, that does not make me bad...or good. Anyway I know I've written this before. But today I connected it to forgiveness. I am still grappling, maybe with semantics at this point, but I still cannot say I forgive Myriss Winston for what he did to my daughter. See I can hardly say it. Maybe later. I have talked about it with people who I look to for guidance and I have prayed- put it out to the universe for guidance. One friend, Mitch asked me 'what if you did? What if you did forgive him? What does that change for him? For anyone, except you?' I get that forgiveness sometimes is not saying what happened is ok, bit it happened and I need to move on. I need not to have negative energy...anger...resentment in my head, because that is only hurting me. I do accept that it happened. It did happen. And it's not ok. And he's being punished...he still has to be in prison for 20 years before he can get parole. But see that? I just counted from 2005 to now, and that's 8 years, he had to be there 27 years before he can be paroled. 27 was alot, is 20 alot? Not so much. Ok I do understand what's at work here inside me- FEAR. Yes fear. That somehow he will get out in now only 20 years and he will want to hurt my daughter-shit that was hard to write I want to erase it, but it seems like my recovery happens when I talk and when I write. I even don't want my daughter to hyphenate her last name with her fiance when they get married cause if she no longer has that name he won't be able to find her. As I said I am against killing. But I try not to wish he gets killed in prison. I don't think about it nearly as much, but today I did because of the topic. I make baby steps forward. A guy today shared that when he is in negative judgement of someone it's because he sees something that he has inside himself that he doesn't like. I had a lightening bolt thought. It's the first step, when we say our life is unmanageable; when I worked thru that step I came to see I am in control of nothing. I can only control my own attitude about things. I cannot control the weather, traffic, my boss, the list goes on. And there are so many things I just really don't understand...electricity, how that huge apartment building sized cruise ship I saw this afternoon floats, this list also goes on. So maybe what I need to realize-or remember- is I am in control of nothing. I cannot keep innocent people from getting hurt by criminals. I cannot stop crime (well except at nite when I fly around the world in tights and my cape, but that's another story), I cannot stop war, I cannot stop much simpler things than that, politics and gossip in the workplace....yadda yadda yadda. Ok so I am in control of nothing. Bad things happen sometimes to good people. And then this woman hands me this chip that says I am powerless but not helpless. I can change me. I can voice my opinion. I can vote. I can move away. I can choose who I associate with. I have lots of options. Does any of this make sense? Like I said, I am making small steps with this, but I am not there. As I was writing I thought, well since the guy is such a tough guy, maybe he'll just keep getting in trouble in prison and have his sentence keep getting longer. Or....maybe he will find a better way to live, like I did, and when he gets out, want to make amends...hmmm well anything is possible right? I want to be better. I want to let go of him. But the truth is I'm still afraid of him. This is my child. Did I say I hate guns? He SHOT her in the head, his intention was to kill her on the side of the road and just keep driving with his girlfriend and his brother as if nothing happened. Animal. But she survived. My daughter is perfect. Beautiful, smart, strong, and so so funny. Yeah, I need to let go of future tripping. If I want to worry in 20 years, well I can. My god, maybe I'm letting go...a little..Thank you God. Progress not perfection, right? ok I'm tired now.
Ok I'm back. I guess I went off on that after seeing that movie- parents in anguish over their kids. Add that to this morning's discussion. But anyway, on Christmas morning we're going to skype with Drewy and watch my new granddaughter Danica, who's 5 yrs old, open her presents. She showed me on skype the other day their tree and decorations and her presents under the tree. I showed Drew and Danica our house, and Sam & Hazel, and our decorations and then Drew walked around their house and showed me all theirs.
Well it's been an interesting few days. I spent half of Wednesday and half of Thursday getting signed up for the affordable healthcare. I don't call it Obamacare because it sounds negative and I'm glad it's finally getting addressed even if it's not perfect yet, but it was soooo out of control. I still think the insurance companies and the drug companies are ripping us all off, and it seems like the only difference is not the gov't is going to pay these ridiculous prices...well I guess better the gov't than me...wonder how it will all work out? Anyway at first Kaiser told me my new premium was over $500 a month! More than twice what I was paying, but then I went into the Calif website and got on the phone with someone and I'm getting a $750 a month prem plan for only $145...so- yippe for me. And i think seeing my oncologist will only cost $35 instead of $100 just to walk in the door. So that's good for me, but the insurance company (Kaiser in my case) is still charging those outrageous prices, but now the gov't is on the hook, so still not optimum for us as a country, but a step in the right direction I guess.
While I was on the phone in on hold hell, Everardo got a phone call and his brother was back in the hospital and fading fast. So I looked at flights but with no notice they were over a thousand dollars. The we decided to drive into Ensenada and look at the bus schedule, but it goes all over the place and would take about 5 days or more. So we came home and Poppi packed in about 5 minutes and took the car. Coahuila is far, the city he went to is about 1000 miles away, and it's not safe to drive across Mexico at nite, and it was basciall totally east and a little south. On Thursday he called me from the side of the cuota (toll road) with his second flat tire. He said he felt weird, like something was going on. Later we found out that at that exact time, his brother passed away. So maybe the universe wanted him to be still for a moment to think of his brother, a last connection. I asked Everardo if he felt like he said goodbye to his brother when he went to see him last summer- his brother was very sick and we thought he was going to die then- and Poppi said he thinks he did, they had a nice talk and said what they needed to, to each other. So I told him, well maybe you are meant to be there to support his family. So he made it there late Friday afternoon, and spent time with them, helped with the arrangements, and the funeral was today. He called early this afternoon while the dogs and I were walking on the beach and he's on his way home. Not sure when he'll arrive because I think maybe he was driving at nite going over and I made him promise not to coming home.
I was so selfish at first- not to him but in my head and out loud in the house here It's freezing in here and I'm getting sick again (well yesterday in Ensenada at the noon meeting this guy was so sick coughing, and said he was really sick- I was soooo pissed off! Why did you come? I asked him if he went to the doctor since he was sick at the meeting last week, too, and he said, no...I get sick every year- FUCKER!) Because I woke up coughing this morning and now my chest hurts (it's nite now). Of course some of it is on us because we have no heat in this house and it's so cold I sleep with a knit hat and in sweats. Then add to that Hazel, who is still a puppy and getting potty trained...she needs to go out every couple of hours and at nite, if the last time is midnite, she might make until 7am like this morning, but yesterday she woke up at 5:45 am. Then I have to take her downstairs and outside..did I say it's cold outside at nite? The day is shorts and teeshirts but the nite is freezing. And these damn stairs! Up and down and up and down and.......the living room and bedroom is upstairs and the kitchen downstairs. Puppy needs to go out. The I forget stuff at both ends and have to go back up or back down. Sam, after a long afternoon of chasing the ball into the waves, is stiff and doesn't want to go up or down the stairs- yeah right there with ya Sam! Everardo and Hazel don't mind a bit and bound up and down all the time. He was also on nite duty with Hazel, but now it's me. And then she'll pee anyway!! aarrgghh She needs to go out in a minute so I'll have to wrap this up. It's 10pm so if I walk her out now and she pees, then once more at midnite and then I can go to sleep. But I'm not like Everardo who can fall asleep in 30 seconds...going out into the cold nite wakes me up more(!) so I'm at least another half hour away from sleep. So yeah I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself- so selfish! My god, his brother passed away and I'm complaining. Luckily he doesn't read my blog ha ha. So I'm also safe to say I went to the store the other day and loaded up on feel sorry for myself food...meaning ice cream and cookies and candy. Oh and one final thing- there's no candy canes here! What's up with that? Ok more on that later, Hazel is waking up!
Viva!
Mexico fun fact:
Mexico is the 14th largest country by land area.
Maybe not. Today I went to the 10am AA meeting and this woman came in late, almost the end, but after the meeting she gave us each a small present. A chip, like the birthday chips we get in the program. In Feb, hopefully I will receive my 13 year sobriety chip. But we do it one day at a time, so that makes Feb pretty far away ha ha. Anyway it's like a plastic coin, maybe a little bigger (or maybe the smae size) as a silver dollar. This one was so cool, and so spot on, for me, today. One side says, "I am powerless but not helpless" and on the other side it says "We can't control the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails."
It such a precious gift. The topic this morning was partially about judgement and how we are not the judge of anyone besides ourselves. For me it connected to fear, like all my negative emotions and attributes, they always go back to fear. Because I used to judge others, if you were better than me I didn't like you because it made me less. If I judged that I was better than you, then I must be more. Wow pathetic eh? It took working the 12 steps of AA for me to see that what other people do and say does not make me...anything. If you say I'm bad, that does not make me bad...or good. Anyway I know I've written this before. But today I connected it to forgiveness. I am still grappling, maybe with semantics at this point, but I still cannot say I forgive Myriss Winston for what he did to my daughter. See I can hardly say it. Maybe later. I have talked about it with people who I look to for guidance and I have prayed- put it out to the universe for guidance. One friend, Mitch asked me 'what if you did? What if you did forgive him? What does that change for him? For anyone, except you?' I get that forgiveness sometimes is not saying what happened is ok, bit it happened and I need to move on. I need not to have negative energy...anger...resentment in my head, because that is only hurting me. I do accept that it happened. It did happen. And it's not ok. And he's being punished...he still has to be in prison for 20 years before he can get parole. But see that? I just counted from 2005 to now, and that's 8 years, he had to be there 27 years before he can be paroled. 27 was alot, is 20 alot? Not so much. Ok I do understand what's at work here inside me- FEAR. Yes fear. That somehow he will get out in now only 20 years and he will want to hurt my daughter-shit that was hard to write I want to erase it, but it seems like my recovery happens when I talk and when I write. I even don't want my daughter to hyphenate her last name with her fiance when they get married cause if she no longer has that name he won't be able to find her. As I said I am against killing. But I try not to wish he gets killed in prison. I don't think about it nearly as much, but today I did because of the topic. I make baby steps forward. A guy today shared that when he is in negative judgement of someone it's because he sees something that he has inside himself that he doesn't like. I had a lightening bolt thought. It's the first step, when we say our life is unmanageable; when I worked thru that step I came to see I am in control of nothing. I can only control my own attitude about things. I cannot control the weather, traffic, my boss, the list goes on. And there are so many things I just really don't understand...electricity, how that huge apartment building sized cruise ship I saw this afternoon floats, this list also goes on. So maybe what I need to realize-or remember- is I am in control of nothing. I cannot keep innocent people from getting hurt by criminals. I cannot stop crime (well except at nite when I fly around the world in tights and my cape, but that's another story), I cannot stop war, I cannot stop much simpler things than that, politics and gossip in the workplace....yadda yadda yadda. Ok so I am in control of nothing. Bad things happen sometimes to good people. And then this woman hands me this chip that says I am powerless but not helpless. I can change me. I can voice my opinion. I can vote. I can move away. I can choose who I associate with. I have lots of options. Does any of this make sense? Like I said, I am making small steps with this, but I am not there. As I was writing I thought, well since the guy is such a tough guy, maybe he'll just keep getting in trouble in prison and have his sentence keep getting longer. Or....maybe he will find a better way to live, like I did, and when he gets out, want to make amends...hmmm well anything is possible right? I want to be better. I want to let go of him. But the truth is I'm still afraid of him. This is my child. Did I say I hate guns? He SHOT her in the head, his intention was to kill her on the side of the road and just keep driving with his girlfriend and his brother as if nothing happened. Animal. But she survived. My daughter is perfect. Beautiful, smart, strong, and so so funny. Yeah, I need to let go of future tripping. If I want to worry in 20 years, well I can. My god, maybe I'm letting go...a little..Thank you God. Progress not perfection, right? ok I'm tired now.
Ok I'm back. I guess I went off on that after seeing that movie- parents in anguish over their kids. Add that to this morning's discussion. But anyway, on Christmas morning we're going to skype with Drewy and watch my new granddaughter Danica, who's 5 yrs old, open her presents. She showed me on skype the other day their tree and decorations and her presents under the tree. I showed Drew and Danica our house, and Sam & Hazel, and our decorations and then Drew walked around their house and showed me all theirs.
Well it's been an interesting few days. I spent half of Wednesday and half of Thursday getting signed up for the affordable healthcare. I don't call it Obamacare because it sounds negative and I'm glad it's finally getting addressed even if it's not perfect yet, but it was soooo out of control. I still think the insurance companies and the drug companies are ripping us all off, and it seems like the only difference is not the gov't is going to pay these ridiculous prices...well I guess better the gov't than me...wonder how it will all work out? Anyway at first Kaiser told me my new premium was over $500 a month! More than twice what I was paying, but then I went into the Calif website and got on the phone with someone and I'm getting a $750 a month prem plan for only $145...so- yippe for me. And i think seeing my oncologist will only cost $35 instead of $100 just to walk in the door. So that's good for me, but the insurance company (Kaiser in my case) is still charging those outrageous prices, but now the gov't is on the hook, so still not optimum for us as a country, but a step in the right direction I guess.
While I was on the phone in on hold hell, Everardo got a phone call and his brother was back in the hospital and fading fast. So I looked at flights but with no notice they were over a thousand dollars. The we decided to drive into Ensenada and look at the bus schedule, but it goes all over the place and would take about 5 days or more. So we came home and Poppi packed in about 5 minutes and took the car. Coahuila is far, the city he went to is about 1000 miles away, and it's not safe to drive across Mexico at nite, and it was basciall totally east and a little south. On Thursday he called me from the side of the cuota (toll road) with his second flat tire. He said he felt weird, like something was going on. Later we found out that at that exact time, his brother passed away. So maybe the universe wanted him to be still for a moment to think of his brother, a last connection. I asked Everardo if he felt like he said goodbye to his brother when he went to see him last summer- his brother was very sick and we thought he was going to die then- and Poppi said he thinks he did, they had a nice talk and said what they needed to, to each other. So I told him, well maybe you are meant to be there to support his family. So he made it there late Friday afternoon, and spent time with them, helped with the arrangements, and the funeral was today. He called early this afternoon while the dogs and I were walking on the beach and he's on his way home. Not sure when he'll arrive because I think maybe he was driving at nite going over and I made him promise not to coming home.
I was so selfish at first- not to him but in my head and out loud in the house here It's freezing in here and I'm getting sick again (well yesterday in Ensenada at the noon meeting this guy was so sick coughing, and said he was really sick- I was soooo pissed off! Why did you come? I asked him if he went to the doctor since he was sick at the meeting last week, too, and he said, no...I get sick every year- FUCKER!) Because I woke up coughing this morning and now my chest hurts (it's nite now). Of course some of it is on us because we have no heat in this house and it's so cold I sleep with a knit hat and in sweats. Then add to that Hazel, who is still a puppy and getting potty trained...she needs to go out every couple of hours and at nite, if the last time is midnite, she might make until 7am like this morning, but yesterday she woke up at 5:45 am. Then I have to take her downstairs and outside..did I say it's cold outside at nite? The day is shorts and teeshirts but the nite is freezing. And these damn stairs! Up and down and up and down and.......the living room and bedroom is upstairs and the kitchen downstairs. Puppy needs to go out. The I forget stuff at both ends and have to go back up or back down. Sam, after a long afternoon of chasing the ball into the waves, is stiff and doesn't want to go up or down the stairs- yeah right there with ya Sam! Everardo and Hazel don't mind a bit and bound up and down all the time. He was also on nite duty with Hazel, but now it's me. And then she'll pee anyway!! aarrgghh She needs to go out in a minute so I'll have to wrap this up. It's 10pm so if I walk her out now and she pees, then once more at midnite and then I can go to sleep. But I'm not like Everardo who can fall asleep in 30 seconds...going out into the cold nite wakes me up more(!) so I'm at least another half hour away from sleep. So yeah I'm sick and feeling sorry for myself- so selfish! My god, his brother passed away and I'm complaining. Luckily he doesn't read my blog ha ha. So I'm also safe to say I went to the store the other day and loaded up on feel sorry for myself food...meaning ice cream and cookies and candy. Oh and one final thing- there's no candy canes here! What's up with that? Ok more on that later, Hazel is waking up!
Viva!
Mexico fun fact:
Mexico is the 14th largest country by land area.
