Here I am writing again- 3 days in a row. Weather report.....rainy and cold. Well the painful cold has been at nite, but last nite I didn't shiver all nite...am I just assimilating? That would be awesome ha ha, but maybe it just wasn't as cold since it was raining so much. Living on dirt roads for the 3rd winter in a row. I went to an AA meeting late this afternoon, and it was dark when I left home. Some idiot had their high beams on and didn't turn them down so as I crawled by them I hit a big mud puddle that shot mud onto my windshield. That sucked- I couldn't use the wipers cause I'm pretty sure there's no water in the wiper wells so I would have just smeared the mud and not been able to drive any further, so I drove with my neck all twisty to see thru the drops ha ha. Lucklily it's not far and nobody else killed me with their high beams. I tell you though- in Mexico people drive with their damn high beams all the time! Sometimes it's because they don't have low beams, so I don't usually flick my on and off...

I tell you- in Mexico cars are on the road in all kinds of disrepair ha ha. Lights missing or out, lots of cars with no brake lights so you really really gotta watch close. People have no license plates, no bumpers, bad exhaust, crazy tires...sometimes it's funny...more often just scary. I hate driving in Ensenada. The whole make a left turn lane right at the light because you don't want to wait in line, and how extra cars go even after the light is red. I do like how the green light blinks 3 times before it goes to yellow...you see people speeding up or slowing down. But I do drive in Ensenada. And I drove in Penasco...which is more of a town than a city. Ensenada is big, but spread out. I would be very uncomfortable driving in Acapulco, Morelia, Guadalajara....and that's nothing to do with dirt roads, that's all about crazy traffic.

I did my exercise routine inside when it rained, but today it cleared up while I was doing weights so I went back to the beach to dance. The sun came out and the wind blew all the clouds away....for now. Huge puddles in the road, and for some reason the rain eats away the road and it's filled with all the crazy hole. Yes big puddles, but also all these small deeper holes that jar your bones when you hit them. I went to my meditation group this afternoon and it was at the beginning of the spit road- and we live at the end. The view was about the same as here, but the guy who lives there was saying it gets packed with people on the beach outside his house during the summer and any holidays, and down here it's almost always empty, just a few here and there walking, or surfers in the distance. I like our end better, the beach feels private even though it's a public beach. Everardo found a small leak in the roof over the spare bedroom and fixed it for now, but it needs a better fix, which the owners have said will get done but supposedly they are going to be fixing a bunch of houses here, and we are "just the trailer"....he's gonna have to stay on them to get it done. Not sure but I think the rain is gone for at least a few days. I hope to go back to that rehab place to see if I can get involved with them.


Well Everardo is still very happy about his daughter contacting him and they talked some more today. He also showed up with a mysterious already wrapped big box and the card says...for the owner of my heart........mmmm I like that ha ha. I can't believe Christmas is in a week. I am not going to the states tomorrow or anytime before Christmas and that's ok- has to be, right? We'll go to Ensenada and get some sweaters/jackets to give out and the dogs bones will have to wait. But Friday nite my friend Jan and her husband are having an open house that I think we will enjoy...she is an amazing cook and today when I called her she was making a carmel dip for apple slices and said she was going to make Christmas cookies just for me. Yeah....gonna have to try a couple I think. Wow- a couple of days ago I was in a funk, and now am simply content. I'm exercising, eating right, learning to meditate, trying to be aware....I was at first depressed when I saw I want the same things for next year that I wanted for this year....but I realized that I am further down the path....today I thought about it more and it's true. We are always changing...and living in Mexico has just helped me to see things about myself, and the world that I might not have seen or as quickly (?) I feel like I know myself better, and am ok with it. Some little things some bigger things..for me anyway. The only problem is that I continue to miss my daughters. Drewy more than anything. I think I said before, the younger one has not time for me anyway...and I think that's just her age. Everardo's younger daughter, who has only been in contact with him for 2 years, is too busy for him, too! It's the age. But I miss Drewy so much, every day. I love talking to her about whatever they're doing. I love to see her beautiful face in picture on Facebook. For all the crap on facebook- I gotta love it....my husband's long lost daughter found him! A couple of women I went to high school with I am now in contact with mean alot to me, and a few others that it's just nice to see what they are doing. I see my family...my older sister who does not "do" facebook goes on mine to see pics every so often. I chat with people when the phone is not convenient....etc etc etc. Anyway sometimes I wish I was closer so I could babysit Danica....or Cookie their 1 yr old huge dog. I laugh to myself when I think of us trying to find a place to rent and know it won't be like renting a place here.

This place had no knobs on the cabinets or hooks for the curtains...the last place had no fridge. Lots of places have no stove...they have no heat...you have to buy a propane portable if you want heat. Some have no hot water heaters. Well and everywhere you of course have to bring drinking water to, and may need to truck in shower/toilet water. Ha ha I never knew how good we had it in the states! We have no plans to go back anytime soon. But when we do I hope the plan is still northern Calif. I want to be near my daughters. Maybe no more than a day away. Closer would be better; like to be able to babysit, or have dinner...but rents are sooo expensive....ouch I soooooo don't want to go back to work....but maybe I will, maybe I will....part time would probably be enough. Will the new me stay the new me when we go back?? ha ha in some ways yes of course...the bigger changes in me. But will I be able to stay out of trouble...meaning getting involved in things that are not my business, like a big part of my children's lives ha ha?? Thoughts for another day I think. Now I'm gonna sit back and watch the patterns the blinking lights make on my tree. Viva

It's a Christmas miracle!!!

Yes it is truly a Christmas miracle! But in my way, I always have to go back a few steps before I go forward. I'm so glad I wrote last nite. Ha ha for anyone who read it, it was probly a bore because it was me trying to figure out how I felt about a lot of things. It always starts out with just one small feeling or thought, but then that feeling or thought is of course, connected to another emotion and then I'm off to the races. I needed it write it out though. I was kind of in a funk, thinking about my path and not seeing my progress only m failures. Yeah and I got a lot of those all right, but I also have success. Awareness is success for me, is progress. Being able to identify how I feel is progress, and sometimes what works is thinking things thru, sometimes I need more- to talk it thru- but sometimes writing it out is what works for me. I felt so much better last nite when I closed down my laptop. I felt hope...and tried to remember that if I do the best I can, and really remember that what other people think and do is not my business ha ha I do better. So it's ok that I still need to work on the same stuff...acceptance, forgiveness, letting go of judgement and resentments. Anyway I felt good when I put on my sweat pants and sweat shirt to go to bed ha ha!! Yeah last nite I slept in sweats, and at first my knit hat and sweatshirt hood, socks and slippers; I did wake up in the middle of the nite and take off the knit hat...but I was warm.

I still felt like I was catching a cold when I woke up though. I felt it all day yesterday..a little headache just on one side, it felt like it came from my head being cold in bed the nite before. Everardo didn't want me to exercise this morning because it's gray and sprinkly outside. But you know what, yesterday I was in a funk. Part of it was that I have been the same weight since Dec 2, and then I only dropped a pound or two thru all of November. I felt stuck and frustrated. I have been exercising and eating right all these months...I recently changed up my exercise routine to try to get myself going....but hadn't seen any changes. Yeah you're thinking I lost weight so that's the Christmas miracle right? ar ar ar ar!! Nope! Well actually I did lose 2 pounds so yes I was happy this morning. I went out all bundled up and did my zumba/rock routine down on the beach- I was gonna do it right in front of the house where there's some flat ground, so if it really started raining  I could duck inside for a hot shower, but it was warmer outside than inside so I went down to the beach instead. It just sprinkled a little so I did the whole hour. Then in for a long hot shower, my protein shake and an aspirin. My head didn't hurt but I'm stuffy and I don't want the cold to get me. When I was reading my blog from this time last year I saw I was really sick....but I wasn't exercising or eating right so I think I can head this one off.

A couple of weeks ago we had a couple of pills left from a few different kinds of cold medicine but Everardo was sick and he took all of it except one that dissolves in a glass of water and one that's a tea. I'll try one of them tonite, but you know what? I believe in the power of chicken soup. Chicken noodle to be more specific, but try to find THAT around here- ha ha no way! But we do have some chicken bullion cubes so I had that with saltine crackers....and I also believe that mindset is part of it- if I believe that will relieve my symptoms, then it will. Mexico has as many cold remedies as the U.S., it's just hard to read all the labels ha ha. Grippa is a cold, and there's a pill in a red box called Grippa and I like those but I gave the last 2 to Everardo. He'll probly make chicken soup later. But I was just feeling so much more positive today, and exercising always gives me that feeling of well being- yeah I know- the endorphins....bring 'em on!

It's funny a month ago we were down south, where it never gets as cold as it is right now- and I need to remember that I grew to miss being cold, that I longed for the climate of northern Calif....ok so now we got it. I'm pulling out sweat shirts and pants and socks ha ha. And this is just the beginning of winter.

Ok so now for the Christmas miracle...and it's not mine. Everardo has a daughter he hasn't seen since she was a baby, 30 years ago. She has never met him. She found him on facebook!!! Just an hour ago! Her name is Mary Ann. And he has a grandson! 9 years old. She wants to come and visit us over Christmas! She lives in Oregon and is thinking about moving back to California. As it turns out she was actually in Ensenada last June; she has an aunt & uncle building a house there...so about a half hour from us. They chatted on facebook for a little while and then he asked her if she wanted to talk on the phone. She did! I talked to her, too and she told me she has been looking for him for years! He told he that he was not a good man back in 1984 and her mother was right to not want him around. He did try to find out about her over the years but the mom did not want him to know her or anything about her. He respected that, but still thought and talked about her. 2 years ago when we first came to Mexico his other ex contacted him and he met his now about to be 18 year old daughter, Elena. She lives near where we lived in Calif and I have wondered about her timing of contacting us after we moved away.....She still lives at home of course, and has her own busy life. She has kind of hinted that after she turns 18 she might want to meet him. I met her when I went up there, she's a very sweet girl, and my daughter has reached out to her a few times, but we're just not sure what or how Elena feels. But this young woman, she is 30 years old and wants to meet him. I read on her facebook after we all talked on the phone and she had written how she just found her bio dad and was feeling very emotional....then she reached out to him and now she's trying to plan to come down over Christmas. I was crying (of course ha ha). He is very happy...but he keeps his emotions inside...if I wait, and don't push, which is very hard for me....he will open up little by little. The funny thing is, she found him because he had her baby picture on his facebook and she has the same picture. She told me she has been searching facebook about every 6 months for 5 or 6 years looking for him! I told her he's had facebook for about 4 years...but since I've known him he has always talked about her. Her mother was very close friends with one of his cousins, that's how they met, but when they broke up, the 2 women also stopped seeing each other. I suspect the mother asked his cousin not to pass along any infor regarding her or her daughter.

Hmmm what will come next? She told me she's fluent in Spanish! Man everyone but me ha ha! Everardo can't believe he's a grandpa. Who knows maybe we'll go back before 5 years....I guess I won't die if I have to go back to work- it's so weird I dreamed last nite that I got a job...it must have been a manufacturing company because what I remember about the dream was I was asking about their product structure...bills of materials...marketing part numbers....aarrgghhh! If we lived in northern Calif we'd be so much closer to Portland Oregon....I don't know what's going to happen but I think about being near Danica as she grows up, even though she has grandmas and grandpas already, but she's the new daughter of my daughter..., and if Drew ever tells me she pregnant- or Halla although I hope not to hear those words from her for a long time- she's way way way too young to have a baby...but if Drewy was pregnant...well I would want to go back. So I am just writing down my thoughts as they come again! But at least they are happy thoughts!!! Boy we are a family of girls! 2 daughters for me and 2 for him.

So.......I'm so happy. I feel good sticking to my exercise...Poppi is making our afternoon juice right now....so I'm sticking to eating right as well. The couple of Christmas events we're attending will be hard...well only if my trigger foods- the ones that remind me of when I was kid. My mom always made so many kinds of Christmas cookies...sugar cookies of course, but she used green dye when she made the tiny green Christmas trees and decorated them with these little silver balls...and she made these other ones...what were they called? They were round and had nuts- walnut pieces in them and rolled in powdered sugar...Mexican wedding cakes! If I saw those I'd be in trouble, but fruitcake  ha ha yuck, or other kinds of cookies or even candy canes...don't bother me a bit. In fact I have 2 boxes of small candy canes to put on the tree on Christmas Eve and haven't thought once about eating any of them. Yeah growing up, and then as my kids were growing up, Santa would put the candy canes on the tree when he came. I'm gonna try to call Drewy tonite and tell her she has another step sister and this one is closer to her age. I know she wishes she had more family, or at least that the family she has was closer. I guess that's the dysfunction on my side (ha ha the ONLY one??) that we are not close...and right now even her little sister doesn't show up for much, and Elena even less. She has friends with big families and she misses it. When she was little there was a family down the street who had something like 7 sisters and Drew loved loved going down to play at their house- she didn't care with which kid; she liked the chaos. Funny thing was, the oldest sister who was a couple of years older than Drewy loved loved to come to our house, even when Drewy wasn't home, to just sit in the quiet...she was amazed just Drewy and I lived there and loved how calm and quiet it was. Grass is always greener eh?

Anyway.......wonderful day today...lost a couple of pounds and found a daughter. Thanx universe!! Viva
 I need to contact my friend and see if we're going to the states on Thurs...hmm maybe I can do it right now...hold on...well she's not online right now....I'm so happy for my husband...yes he keeps his emotions inside, but I can tell he is very happy right now. He's so cute.

Always striving for something....hmmmm...acceptance...unconditonal love...results in serenity...

Zipped past my birthday and heading for Christmas. Man it's cold at nite in this little trailer. Yesterday we moved the bed to the opposite wall - an inside wall in an attempt to escape some of the cold nite air I think sneaks thru the window pane and the paper thin wall. I think it was a little warmer, but now we sleep in thermals and/or sweats. A hooded sweatshirt for sure and snuggle way down inside the covers. And this is the beginning of winter ha ha. We may have to buy a small propane tank for the little heater we bought in Penasco for the same reason. We would run it for a couple of hours at nite & then turn it off when we went to bed. You can't run it all nite for a couple of reasons- one is that the propane would run out in less than 3 days, the other is we would asphyxiate it it ran all nite. Anyway my birthday was nice...flowers, a massage and bbq'd ribs. The bbq was a big deal because we haven't bbq'd anything since....maybe since we came to Mexico! A friend moved at the end of November and gave us a little bbq...so the ribs for my birthday was the first attempt...and man oh man they were soooo good! Both daughters sang happy birthday to me, and I got an email from both my brother and his wife and a phone call from my big sister the day before- so yeah as birthdays go it was A1!

We put up our Christmas tree and I set up the manger scene I got from my mom. I love unwrapping each piece and putting them out. I loved watching my mom do it when we were kids, up high on the top of the piano....and then pointing out the familiar figures. A few years ago when I visited my sister and brother in law in Paris I saw pieces of the set in a store window; the pieces come from France. I don't know if there are any pieces to add but I could replace if I needed to; I looked them up online and found a place I can order from. When my girls were little we'd go to Grandma's and look at it, and point out the robber, the guy with the bear...how tiny the little chickens were...we'd talk about it. Then back when my mom had to move into assisted living, she passed the set to me. I am so blessed to be the kid who got to take it.....and my younger daughter was still pretty young and in awe just as I was to unwrap and set up the scene. Drew, my older daughter loved it as well. It's a Christmas tradition that has been a part of my Christmas my entire life. I may have written last Christmas or the first year of this blog the story of how my dad brought my mom the first pieces back from France when they were first married and then added to it. If my brother or big sister read this, maybe they can clarify that for me- it must have been when they were first married, right? When Dad came home from the army? Was it in the 40's? My brother was born in 1950- was it started before you came into the picture big brother? I think when we move back to the states I will have to think about passing the set to my daughter. Will she have a baby or will it just be Danica? The truth is, if I was to pass it on anytime in the near future it would be to my older daughter. The younger one is.....well...young. Traditions, family traditions, family keepsakes/treasures are not a priority to her right now. I am trying to understand that, accept that...I guess if the older one was only 21 yrs old I wouldn't consider giving it to her either. But I know that it would mean the world to her right now. She is like me, loves family and the bits and pieces that are our memories. I know the other one will get there...growing up takes time right?

Anyway it's pretty Christmasy around here. We went to a Christmas open house last Saturday and going to another on this Saturday. I went to the states for a day for some Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and that was fun. I got Everardo 2 pairs of tennis shoes- one pair I gave him when I got home; they're for every day and he needed them. The other pair is some very fancy running shoes and they are wrapped and under the tree. He's a runner, and especially out here, you need good shoes for it. I also got him some shorts and then just a couple of little things; tools/blades for making jewelry  and a special magnifying glass with a little mount to see when he's doing his jewelry thing ha ha! But that's about it- as he says- we have everything we need, and when we don't, we get it. So we don't buy a bunch of expensive stuff just to be getting it for Christmas....I'm actually going back up- maybe- this Thursday and need to get the dogs a big box of the bones I brought them back the first time...then their Christmas will be covered to ha ha. I did go online for presents for my granddaughter and her brother...and some really small silly stuff for the kids, but we decided to make donations in their names instead of buying bigger gifts. When I'm up there I plan to buy some sweaters or jackets, or maybe pajamas, not sure what actually, but to give away. There are some groups here doing it for the local school and other areas, but Everardo wants us to simply go for a drive and give the stuff away. And not tell anyone about it. Oooops  I guess I'm telling here, but  he means not on the local email bulletin board where I read about the other groups or telling at any functions we may attend. I'm good with that. We've already given away a trunk full of clothes and shoes from our closets; some stuff new, some slightly worn. I mean the next town over where he goes to the Spanish AA meetings has lots and lots of people who are struggling and could use a little help, so it should be no problem finding people who can make good use of a warm sweater or jacket. I will however send a message to the kids and let them know we did it in their names.

I looked back at last year in my blog to see what I was writing about. Man I was so sick at Christmas time- I had forgotten, and Everardo's brother in Coahuila passed away...we had just moved to Baja in November and were in that awful neighborhood and by this time already anxious to move somewhere else. We had just brought Hazel home; a 5lb tiny puppy and then Everardo got the news about his brother being so sick and he left...he got back Christmas Eve in the afternoon and I was already really sick. We didn't know anybody and it wasn't my favorite Christmas season ha ha. But we did get to skype with Drew and Rex and the kids and watch them open their presents Christmas morning and that was so nice. I'll have to ask her if we can do that again this year. But I also saw that I was writing about what I was trying to work on for myself....hmmm as it turns out I'm kinda working on the same stuff. I think I'm in a different place with it all, but the path continues. I wrote about spirituality, about unconditional love, about acceptance. That I had to accept the lack of relationship with my younger sister, and try to do the same with my daughter- but understand with my daughter it was a little different, and that I would continue to desire a relationship. So then I read forward some and saw that I continued to ask the universe for guidance with my daughter, and acceptance. Then in March I saw that I wrote that she wanted to communicate with me, to work on our relationship and I was so happy. And so we got closer. I think we are closer, but I still have to remember to accept her for who she is right now. She is still young- for me that translates to selfish, self centered, greedy....and she hurts my feelings. She hurts her sister's feelings as well. She doesn't return phone calls, she blows off plans, she is great for asking for something- but ask her for something...well don't expect to get it ha ha. Well not ha ha really. Month ago I asked her to help me out with a jury summons I received....luckily I got someone else to deal with it for me...she said sure and promptly forgot about it- at least as far as I know because she never went to pick it up, never contacted the person for me or anything. No big deal to her- but it was to me. I asked to get a couple of things from her dad's house when she left...oh yeah of course mom- and never bothered to do it. Same kind of behavior with her sister.

I made a huge mistake last summer that I apologized for, but realize now was really awful of me. I wrote and asked for forgiveness again but have not received an answer- and have to be ok with that. That I needed to make amends, that I needed to let go of my resentment, of my judgement because I don't want to be that kind of person. I mention it here because I did it feeling justified that I was supporting this daughter, when really it was about my ego. I had told her when she let me know she did't get along with her dad's wife, that she should move. That she needed to respect the woman no matter what, and that it was her house and as an adult, my daughter should move out if she wasn't happy there. Ok fine that was the right thing to do, and my daughter did move a month or so after we talked about it. At some point my ex husband's wife and I began to communicate on facebook msg and I told her I backed her up and it was all fine. But then something happened, after my daughter moved and the woman and I were not too nice to each other in writing. Then she wrote something that hurt my feelings...and so I wrote a horrible note to her and was very mean. I had no right to do that. No matter what. That was about my ego, not my daughter, it was about winning...a couple of days later I wrote a short msg and apologized but never heard back and we never communicated again after that. That was back in late June I think. But I was married to this man for 15 years and we remained friends so it's been over 20 years we've known each other- and I feel bad we no do not communicate at all. I see their facebook pages...yes I look cause sometimes my kids are on them. They live in the next town from my kids. And this would be the first time I don't wish him and his family Merry Christmas or Happy New Year? The girls go over there, and their dad is their dad. So I was awful and I know better. My mean words, my resentments, my judgement is now having an effect on my life that I cannot change. I'm so sorry about that! So I wrote them and apologized to her again...will they reply? I don't know and I will have to accept and respect whatever decision they make. So I talk about spirituality, acceptance, unconditional love, no judgement, and I totally feel like a hypocrite. I have to accept this. I have to accept it and move on. I mean I am glad that I apologized a couple of days after I first wrote it, but when can I get to not reacting in anger....which is usually fear?

Hmmm and this all gets mixed up in my issues with my younger daughter. I am unhappy with her because although we do talk these days, maybe a couple of times a month which is better than this time last year, and I realized that as long as I accepted she is not going to put herself out for anything, then it was all good...but I think I don't really accept it...or I forget and have expectations and then am upset when she doesn't meet them. I asked her back when she moved out, and then a couple of weeks ago, to get the Christmas decorations I gave her before we left for Mexico. I had both girls come over when we were putting Christmas away before we moved, and had them each pick out some things that were special to them, for them to start their own family traditions for Christmas, things from when they were growing up, things that maybe came from my family when I was growing up and was given by my mom and dad to start my family. They were both excited to choose and it was very touching. Well, she was still living with her dad so she took the stuff there. I want her to take it home or at least give it to her sister to keep for her. These were things from my family, our family and I want them to have them. Drew understands and said she'd push Halla to do it, but I can't keep putting Drew in that position. I asked Halla last week on the phone if she got them...of course she did not, and she said- oh I gotta hang up now. And see? If I had not been so horrible to my ex's wife, I could simply ask them to be sure and give Halla the box of decorations, instead I'm afraid she will throw them away, or they will just keep them for their own family. This hurts me. But what can I do about it, especially from down here? I have to let it all go. I will for sure ask Halla again, but when is the next time I'll talk to her? Once she knows I want something from her, or want her to take an action, she stops answering the phone when I call- well actually she rarely answers it when I call anytime. I had accepted that I would only talk to her when she wanted to, not when I wanted to, but she's my kid, I love her, so I was gonna accept this. The truth is I am mad and sad about it. I wish it mattered to her. But wishin' don't make it so.

So see, I have sooooo far to go...my spiritual path stretches endlessly in front of me as I try to embrace, to live these principles that I believe are so important for me. Acceptance, unconditional love, and freedom from judgement. Writing all this helps. I feel a little better. There was a box of things I put together right before we moved that I gave to her, things from her childhood, other things of mine I knew meant something to her...she doesn't know where that box is, either. Maybe someday she will care, maybe she'll even recover some of it. I have to realize- I gave it to her, those things are gone from me. Let go. And maybe be a little more careful of what I let go of. And the manger scene, I don't have to make a decision about it right now. Maybe when we move back I will have grandchildren who will want to come to Grandma's house to see it at Christmas for a few years before it needs to move on to the next person. Maybe my thoughts as the year ends and a new one starts will have to be along the same lines as last year. That acceptance is still the answer, that unconditional love is the way to true happiness, to be happy joyous and free. Forgiveness and to be free of resentment. I was thinking the other day about what do I believe God's will is for me? What is the universe's will for me? To be happy joyous and free. But what does that mean, for me? I think it means I must want the same for all people...because how can I truly be all those things of others are not? Hmmm now I am filled with hope..and love. This is good, I have lots to think about now...lots to strive for. Viva!