The "not the Z road" road & other things

Last week I was feeling kinda down, in a funk, but not this week. I exercised every day, went to the free exercise class the 2 days they had it, and decided to add in a second  workout with my elliptical. I did that twice...exhausting. But I will do 3 days next week, 20 minutes...and so on. Some days I do my morning workout and then not much physically the rest of the day ha ha. Being on my laptop, reading a book, utilizing the hammock (big ha ha), talking to a friend....not too physical, right? Oh before I get too far off the subject...I think that at least part of the reason for my "off" mood, was that I did not exercise and I did not stick to my new way of eating. I ate crap- stuff I haven't eaten in literally months....candy and treats...they were everywhere. And they've been everywhere for weeks- since about Halloween I think, maybe since always...but I had been making other choices- and feeling better for it. So I threw myself off. Then probably was mad at myself instead of just giving myself a break. Oh and then I acted selfishly with my husband, felt guilty and so mad at myself....yeah nice cycle right? And I did not go to any AA meetings either. Ha ha way to sabotage myself! The AA meetings are so great- I don't know what I'd do without them! I talk about how I feel. I listen to other people talk about how they feel. I hear about solutions. I remind myself or get reminded what kind of a life I want to lead. That's the cool thing about those steps- admit I am in control of nothing, realize I am not alone in my problems, my fears, my addictions, ect, decided to become a part of things. Take a hard look at myself, inside and out, decide what I want to let go of, and what I want to take with me going forward...and then try to do that, hopefully with some self respect and respect for others. I'm so lucky I have found a group to share in. Well and I share here as well. Sometimes I do figure things out in the middle of writing about them. I forget that this is actually a public forum....but then I can see my stats and see that there are a couple of people reading this. I love that somebody in Russia, somebody in China, Thailand, Germany, Ukraine reads this. Are they reading about a nutty American women in Mexico? Do I even write about Mexico anymore? I have been in Baja now over a year and it simply feels like my life...not some new place. And I change the subject in the middle of a paragraph ha ha. Like now. I started this wanting to just say I got over my funky bad mood of last week. That maybe not taking care of myself, physically and spiritually, was at least part of the problem.

So what was the title of this post about? The Z road. After a year I finally know what the Z road is. It is the part of the spit road that I live on that is paved. And if you follow it from the main road it does sort of form a "Z". But some years ago it was changed- part of it was blocked off so it doesn't resemble the curves of a Z anymore so I never got it. Now it comes straight down from the main road, unpaved, and then meets up with the paved portion. I do not know why they changed it, maybe for access to 2 camps that are up at that end close to the main road. Because of the weather, the rain, the unpaved portion is a disaster right now. I have always just called this the Spit road. Lots of people call it that, but it also gets called the Z road and the Not Z road. Well, on the facebook page for this area it is being discussed because it's such a mess. Potholes and lumps, huge puddles; there was even a pipe sticking up at a place near a big puddle that people were hitting and damaging rims and getting flat tires trying to avoid the hole (puddle). So someone posted the history of the road. How part of the Z got blocked off and the unpaved portion created. To do that, it crossed the estuary, which I did not know and they put in something like 17 feet deep of fill. Aha! So that's why it gets so messed up when it rains. 17 feet of fill? It was going to cost something like $70,000 USD to fix it right, which the gov't was not going to pay, so it got fixed like a band aid. Half ass. And it never got paved. Even the portion that is paved, when it rains pieces of it comes up, then this homeless guy goes around and fills the holes with dirt! Oh and a couple of months ago a couple of guys were filling the holes on the paved portion with cement- not asphalt....weird eh? The homeless guy, Jessie has made himself a little camp along the road- I think he's been there a couple of years at least, but the guy who owns the land where he was must have kicked him out because he moved across the road to the estuary side, which is federally owned. I always thought he probly dug the holes he fills, since he always puts a basket out asking for tips. Some days he's just so drunk he's laying on the side of the road...or lounging in some broken piece of furniture he dragged up like he's a king enjoying his kingdom. But now I realize he doesn't need to make the holes, at least in winter- the rain will do it. Hmmm but maybe he does it in summer.....I don't like him too much because last summer he was trying to charge these kids selling vegetables to come down the road. That pissed me off. These are young kids, maybe early teens dragging around baskets of fresh veges to sell in the hot sun. I've given them a ride before, and he's a jerk doing that. Otherwise I don't care too much- but I don't give him any money. It's so funny, I see some people writing about him on the fb page or in the email bulletin board and saying the poor man, or how they want to give him a birthday party and stuff...have they seen him drinking and stumbling around at 8am???

Anyway a guy who lives in a camp past us has a nice car and is trying to figure out how to get the road fixed. Actually there are quite a few nice cars out here, mostly in the camp part ours, a gated community where alot of people own their places vs alot of the camps people just rent. If they want to fix the road- yipee....but we are not contributing to the cause. Come fix our place first, then we might consider it ha ha. Trying to get things fixed is like pulling teeth. However that being said- Everardo is a good networker....he has made friends with the guy who manages the maintenance in this camp, and we got a new (new to us anyway) hot water heater in one day this week AND it worked right after it was installed! I had come home from exercising on the beach and was soaking wet with sweat while it's sooo cold outside and so needed to get right into a hot shower, and found out they were just taking ours out! It worked, it was just leaking. If only he had waited a half hour for me to finish- I was mad. I said- this is Mexico, this is camp 3!!! It's not gonna work the first time...and then....it did! Crap I had to apologize. Now I am very excited because he might get us new faucets in both bathrooms! In one you can't use the hot, and both are so corroded they look gross. I am ready to pay for it ourselves, but up to now we keep saying we are just renters- we are not paying to fix anything up in this old place. But this is month 12 in this trailer.....maybe we do live here...right? I would be very happy with new faucets.....

I finished putting away Christmas today; started yesterday. I always love putting it all out, but I also love it once it's all put away. We also got a tank for our space heater yesterday. Yipee. And it was a loan from Luis- the maintenance guy! We looked at the segundas the day before, but of course there are none, and had decided to buy a new one, but when Everardo went over to pay the rent he saw Luis and he hooked us up! He did say it was only a loan, to return it when we get one, and it was also full of propane. It's a 14 litre tank, bigger than the one we used in Penasco so we'll see how long it lasts. This week was just so cold. I tried using only blankets no sheets on the bed, but I still woke up shivering, breathing in the cold air hurt my nose....I got some mittens because my hands are cold all the time. (19 pesos...so about $1.05USD) and finally agreed to try sleeping in the living room on the couch which Everardo said was warmer than the bed. It's true the couch is warmer. Now we are really like camping ha ha- well in a cabin in the cold woods. Us and the dogs all sleeping together. But it's just too cold in here. If you take a shower in the morning (like after exercise) the towel is not dry the next day. My bones were aching. But we started using it yesterday and what a difference!! I am sooo happy- we don't have it on high, I am sitting on the couch and wearing sweat pants and a thermal shirt...but not wrapped in a blanket or anything. About an hour before sleep we'll crank it up to high, and then turn it all the way off. We shut the doors to the bedrooms, and last nite....well I slept like a baby....ahhhhh The weather is supposed to change starting tomorrow and warm up some, but I can only see out about a week, and sadly heard the freezing weather will be back....But Everardo thinks Luis will not ask for the tank back- and if he does we can always buy one. I'm glad for the better weather next week because Poppi is going over to Penasco to renew our license plates on Monday and might not make it back until Tuesday or even Wed depending on how it goes. Lonely and cold sucks so lonely and warm will be better for me and the doggies ha ha. It's much cheaper to simply renew the registration over there than to move it to Baja, however I think for my driver's license I'll just go ahead and renew it here. That's kinda fun- I have one from Guerrero and Sonora, and now I'll get one from BC. In Guerrero I paid 200 pesos I think, they took my picture and printed & laminated me a license on the spot. In Sonora it was weird, they tried to get more money from us and Everardo argued with them so they said I had to talk to the police chief. Ha ha he did not know why I was there, asked me how I liked Penasco, signed my paper and we left back to the lic place. They grudgingly gave me a license- oh and we had to supply the picture. Here I hear you have to take a written test but not driving...but it's in Spanish so you can have help.....so funny isn't it?

I'm waiting for my Calif license to come back. I had to send it to the social security office to get a new SS card to show to Covered Calif for Obamacare! They made the mistake and then I had to prove it's my SS number. So this is why they asked me to prove I am a legal citizen if the United States last summer....they had my SS # wrong. But SS said I had to send them my passport, not a copy but I said no way- I'm in Mexico so they said ok- your driver's license. Ha ha all this crazy paperwork. So now my renter sent it to our friend Tim who just moved back to Calif from here and is coming down in a couple of weeks. We collected his mail here for him and he'll bring ours when he comes. Kaiser changed whoever was doing their billing which was GREAT because they noticed I overpaid by 2 months- which I said way back in April, but had to keep paying, so I got credited for Dec & Jan. Oh and my premium went down $20 which is nice since I only go to the doctor once a year, right? I could get out of having insurance but chose to keep it. Oh don't get me started though- it's still such a big ripoff!!! The insurance companies are still raping people!!! I pay less but the gov't pays the rest. And the premium is WAY WAY higher than what I was paying before Obamacare. And the gov't is paying most of my premium!! I am eligible for it- I didn't manipulate it or anything, it's based on income, marital status, etc. They helped me sign up last year - but I still think it's messed up!! How do the same drugs cost pennies in Mexico? Seeing a doctor here is just a few dollars, procedures the same. In the United States it's just so bad, I thought Obamacare would be a good thing, and thought well it's not perfect but it's a start- but now it seems like it's not- not a start- the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies are still stealing us all blind!! Why does the gov't agree to do this??? Uh oh this is the naive me! I guess I know the answer, right? Whoops got carried away.
So tomorrow is the day I get to try to help distribute blankets and clothes....I will write about it. I hope the people we are trying to help had a way to stay warm this week...shit and I was complaining about being cold......ok well I think this is it for now. As always ....viva!

Humble pie anyone?

Last few days I had been in kind of a funk. I thought I was going to call this post "what the hell am I doing" ha ha but today changed it. We had this loveseat couch that is in very good shape, but jst too short, and a couple of weeks ago finally went down to the segundas and got a regular length couch, so this loveseat has been sitting outside on the porch. And I just hate inside furniture outside. Just one of those things ya know- a pet peeve.....Everardo kept saying he was going to take it down to the end of the spit road and sell it on the weekend, or at least put it in the shed, but it sat on the porch. It got rainy so he put a tarp over it, which was better ha ha. Ok so there's that. Then because it's so cold at nite we moved our bed away from under the window and against an inside wall. Well for about a foot from the wall out, there's no carpet and no flooring- just wood, like planks of wood- looked horrible and now I'm seeing it every day, when before the bed and the nightstand, etc covered it so I could ignore it. Now I see it all the time. Did I mention it's sooo cold in here at nite? I wear a hooded sweatshirt to bed and have lots of blankets. Our faucets are- well not rusty...I guess it's more like corroded...the metal has this white stuff on it that a brillo pad will not take off. It's on the 2 bathroom sinks. I hate that too. It's all the things I hated when I didn't want to move in here...but got used to I guess. But I am the type, when one thing goes wrong, I see everything as bad. I knew I was missing my daughters more because of Christmas, but I still missed them. Then my resentments around my younger daughter- I think I already wrote about the decorations she left at my ex husbands that to me were special and meant to be special for the family she will form. Then Everardo's daughter came to visit! She was going to her mother's family in Mexicali, but she wanted to meet her dad so she came to see us. That was wonderful. Except of course I anx'ted over the condition of our home and wanted it to be nicer.....He was also nervous.

He got to meet his grandson, who is a doll. A smart funny adorable kid. 9 years old. His mom was very nice as well, but of course it was a little weird, like having a guest you don't know very well, but in a very small environment so we were all together all the time. I tried to give them some time, and also tried to spend time with Oz, his grandson so Everardo and his daughter could get to know each other. They arrived about 10 at nite on Monday before Christmas and left late afternoon Christmas Eve. On Monday we went to Ensenada to get presents as well as immigration to find out about her getting dual citizenship. We didn't know what time they'd arrive and were nervous all day. Of course it all went fine...but not perfectly....of course. I know my husband wanted it to be perfect, wanted....well it was his child..and his grandchild. Nothing bad happened...just all the emotions that he went thru, and me as well, wanting him to be happy, etc. She's 30 years old after all. After they left he had alot of emotions. Some he didn't tell me about at first. He was filled with love, guilt, happiness, sadness, did I say guilt? I said the wrong things in some cases...some things I said he had already said himself, but when I said them he got mad. I am not as detailed here as I usually am because this is about his child and his life, and not sure what I should say or not say. So I guess I will try to just talk about my feelings. I should have kept some of my opinions to myself. I should have let him talk and talk and feel and think without offering advice or opinions. I could have been better. We are ok now...but yesterday we had an arguement and I left for a couple of hours. I took a drive and sat in the truck on a cliff overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours. I did some talking to the universe, I actually went thru all the store receipts I had in my purse for the budget we try to keep so we can see what we're doing...I even tried to read for a few minutes after I wasn't mad anymore.

We have come a long way as far as arguments go. We don't have too many these days, and now when we do, one of us usually takes a walk or a drive to give ourselves space for a little while, then later we can talk. But this time I let myself become overwhelmed. What am I doing in Mexico? I am in control of nothing. I don't pay the bills, I don't argue with the cable company or the telephone company when things go wrong. I am not as independent in many ways as I used to be. But actually in other ways I am!  I live in another country and figure out what I need and what I can get along without...which is alot ha ha! I am struggling with my weight loss...or lack of this month, I am not fluent in Spanish...and frustrated with trying to find a way or a place to be in service...even though now I've talked to a guy who says he can fix me up to teach English, and I found the women's rehab, but haven't been able to connect with anyone there yet either. So I think- what am I doing? I miss my daughters...so I got into a funk. I started thinking about going back to northern Calif. I even looked at Craigslist for jobs and rentals! But really? Working full time again???aarrgghh I don't want to do that! And rents are high, not to mention everything that goes with it....car insurance, electric bills, (which here both are soooo cheap). Dogs on leashes ha ha. Ok so all this is jus what I let into my head at once....a tempest in a teapot. I make myself miserable.  I feel guilty not living closer to my older daughter. I feel guilty that I don't miss the younger one as much- then that's a whole other story about feeling guilty that she chose not to be in my life while she was a teenager- should I have forced her? I believe that as she gets a little older we will have a relationship as close as with the older one, but is that really true? Am I jealous of her father? Yeah a little but what could I have done to compete with him? I did what I thought was right- and I still think was right...hmmm so why do I feel guilty if I think I was right? ha ha ha ha see what a mess I make in my head! I am so grateful for the relationship with Drewy my older one or I might think I am insane. ok ok enough!!

So this afternoon a couple of things happened. Everardo put a long strip of carpet over that exposed wood under the window in the bedroom. Wow small thing making a huge difference. Then the big thing happened. We took the loveseat that was on the porch and put it in the truck to give it away. We drove to the next town, went into an area we knew was struggling - I mean really struggling- and drove out this dirt road that got worse as we drove. The houses got smaller, some just shacks, and we saw this couple with a baby walking down the road. We gave them a ride home, which was really far, and gave them the couch. The road in some places was barely passable...I know in the rain impossible to get thru. Luckily we were in the truck and still bouncing around in the ruts. I saw a woman washing her dishes outside, and another family cooking outside. These people have no heat. I'm betting they have no hot water. They do not live near the beach. This was inland from us, then out in between some hills, some places on the hillsides, a couple of roads we were on I was actually kinda scared we'd slide off the road. But every day life was going on. Kids were playing outside, people were talking or hanging up laundry or cooking....I don't think they ever even had any of the choices I was thinking about....like where to live, where to work, carpeting....should I walk on the beach or by the estuary....I was so...humbled. I know all this. I've been living in Mexico more than 2 years. I know there are places like this in the US- maybe not as many...and maybe not the quiet desperation or resignation....(it pisses me off in the states because there's no good reason for people going hungry beyond greed and politics). But here in Mexico- there's just so much of it, and maybe I forgot, or maybe I am so self centered I stopped thinking about others. But maybe I will give myself a break because I am also doing the best I can....family dynamics like long lost children, my messed up relationship with my own daughter, the mess I made of the relationship with my ex who is my kid's father...see I am rambling because I am still mixed up- about everything. But this I know:

But this I know: I am so grateful for my life. For my little trailer on the beach, for my puppy dogs, for my amazing husband, for my daughters, for his daughters, for my big sister and brother and their spouses...even for my younger sister- who we don't speak to each other and right now she can bite me- but I'm sure it's a lesson for another day ha ha. Bottom line is I am still not sure about my decision to keep living here because of how much I miss my older daughter and being part of her family's life. But really- that's the only thing. Everything else is just birds in the air. I have a beautiful life. Yep it's cold...in EVERYBODY's house. I am blessed with warm blankets. Soon it will be warm again and I will not need anything besides my flip flops and tshirts...

I have a problem with the grass being greener on the other side. And honestly- the grass is perfect right here under my feet. I need to stick to my own plans. I made a year health commitment to myself which ends March 31. That has to do with the way I eat and exercise. Stick to it. We have a house in southern Mexico we are trying to sell and just came up with a new plan about that- give it some time. Let go of having to be fluent...maybe I will and maybe I won't. Go back and follow up on the leads I have for teaching and volunteering. I  joined the meditation group and the study of a particular book- finish it. Put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe I should go back to making a gratitude list every day. I am feeling much better. Partly from this writing. Partly from something else that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, but I am pretty anonymous here and nobody around here reads this. There was another reason for our drive to the next town this afternoon. Last week we bought some hooded jackets for kids...just a few, 5 of them. I told my daughters, and Everardo's daughter up north, oh and our renters, that instead of sending them Christmas gifts we would be giving a kid a warm jacket in their names. They all liked the idea very much. Well I wrapped them and then we didn't give them away until today. After we gave away the couch we were way out in the hills, and on the way back in we saw a woman washing dishes on the side of her house and we asked if she had any kids. Her husband came out with a little girl about 3 years old and we gave her a gift bag with a jacket in it. We asked them if they knew other families with little kids and they pointed. We said Feliz Navidad...and off we went. We found another family with 2 kids in the yard, we handed the bags and left, then another single child, then a yard with 2. The kids were all very excited to get a gift bad with candy canes hanging on them and garland wrapped around them...the parents smiled and we just said Feliz Navidad and drove away before they looked inside. Now on the way over there, something happened under the truck and the muffler got messed up so the truck was loud and covered in mud, so we fit in pretty good ha ha, and so when we stopped and handed out a bag, it was received with surprise so that was pretty cool. Ok honestly- IT WAS AWESOME!! We did not stick around and talk to anyone...we didn't want that, we just wanted to help in some small way...but actually I wish we woulda had 100 jackets and not just 5. Maybe next year. Maybe we when see stuff on sale thoughout the year we can collect it.

Of course there are groups who do this stuff here, they ask for donations and I am sure they help alot of people. We just didn't want to be part of something publicized...and Everardo thought that they probably went to the same places every year...maybe not- but we just decided to do something on our own. Now next Sunday I am invited by a woman I am getting to know who I like and respect, to help hand out winter supplies...I think like blankets in another area close to where we were today. I don't know who she's doing it with or how it works, but she said they needed help distributing the stuff. So I thanked her for asking me and I will go with her. I'll be sure and write about what happened afterwards.

Lastly I want to say the other thing that helps me feel better whenever I get "lost" is asking the universe for guidance. Now I know I've written about this before. Because way back when we first got to Mexico and I was feeling so isolated, so lost down south, I started asking for guidance and I started to feel better. When I put it out to the universe, praying I guess, I always feel better. I know the answers will come if I can be quiet and listen, if I stop trying to force myself to "know" what to do next. When I stop trying to control everything. I have been praying for a couple of days now, asking the universe to guide my path. I know I will be ok. 

So our Christmas was quiet. I got a nice warm bathrobe and a really soft thick blanket for watching tv or sitting here on my laptop. I gave him some shorts (brrrr) and some running shoes. The shoes are too small so I need to go back to the states to exchange them, and today I found someone who goes all the time! So I may get to go sometime and soon. Yipee cause I know he wants to start exercising at the start of the new year...and I want to buy some shoes for me. Since moving to Mexico my feet have gotten bigger- well at least wider, because I only wear flipflops almost year round, and tennis shoes for exercise, so all the shoes I brought with me are too tight. Crossing the border here sucks- which is really a shame since over in Penasco it takes about 3 minutes to cross and I never even thought about it here. But it's so crazy I am intimidated by it. I have crossed 3 times, twice for the airport and once for the shopping spree where I bought his shoes...and it's been different all 3 times. Once at Tecate which is easier, but you have to have a car because it's kinda nowhere, once walking in Tijuana and once driving in Tijuana and both of those were so chaotic. So many people. So to find someone who goes all the time and who is happy to go...well yipee. So maybe today was my lucky day after all....got humbled when I needed it, found a ride to the states, and have started to feel the relief that comes with asking for guidance. Well it's Sunday nite and tomorrow back to my exercise/eating regiment (which I kinda blew off this week for the first time since I started in April) and remembering our plans. I think if I talk to the universe every day, exercise, eat right, and am grateful...I will leave 2014 in very good shape...physically, mentally and spiritually...and really, what else could I possibly ask for? Viva!