Don't fix it if it ain't broke!

The estuary on the other side of our place...

This is what I saw this morning out the window of the place where I went to try zumba. It is actually the far side of the estuary from us. Standing right outside our trailer the beach is on one side and the estuary on the other; the beach is much closer, but the walk to the estuary is nice. Full of squirrels for Hazel to chase- I think sometimes they wait for her to see them...they both freeze (squirrel & dog)...then one moves a tiny muscle and the chase is on! But the sneaky squirrels have holes all over the place and they dive in. Hazel digs furiously but I suspect the tunnels are long and connect to lots of escape hatches. Sam is usually content to amble along next to us; but will take off on a tear if he does spot something...usually a bird making noise in the bushes.

So this morning I headed off for zumba about 7:45. My plan was to start going to zumba Tue & Thurs mornings for a few weeks- to push myself and to learn some new steps for my own routine. I also wanted to see how much it would kick my butt; meaning how much harder it w as than the dancing I do on my own. Wow what a surprise I was in for! Yes I did work up a sweat, but I kept up- easily. I was never out of breath. Yeah I could probly work it a little harder as I become more comfortable with the steps, but the fact is, it just wasn't that difficult! My workout is much harder! Can I get a yippee?? On a couple of levels; I'm happy to affirm that I am working out hard. I've been reading about the idea of interval training- meaning get my heart rate up, then slow back, down then up, then down,.....during the fast songs I always push as hard as I can. If I'm feeling really tired or weak, I do more slow ones...where I can twirl and sorta rock & roll dance, right? It's for minimum 50 minutes, but the days I go to the stretch class I only dance for 30 minutes, then the class is an hour. Ok so I am happy to know I am working hard. (I thought so) The next thing is, the zumba class is at 8am....that means I want to get up by 6:45 so I can have coffee, etc. I usually start exercising at 9, so I don't have to get up until 7:30 or 7:45....which is a comfortable wake up time for me...natural. And I have to drive to this place, and pay. Now it's only 20 pesos (in fact she said I could workout for free, but that isn't right)...but my routine is right here. I get dressed and walk outside. I dance on the beach and my doggies are with me. My original idea with zumba was just to change it up a little, an a class is fun, and maybe when it gets warmer I give it another shot...oh but the time still sucks ha ha!

Then I had an hour to waste before the stretch class- so I came back home and threw the ball for Sam & Hazel for a few minutes..home is in between the 2 classes....Everardo went to Penasco super early this morning to register the vehicles, and since I wasn't exercising at home I felt guilty about them not getting their morning play from him or me. As it turns out, Poppi left at 3:30am! He got to Penasco and finished his business by 11am! I think he stuck around for an AA meeting and saw some of his friends from there, and then started for home- I'm expecting him in a couple of hours- ouch what a long day for him! I took the dogs to the beach for another 45 minutes of chasing the ball this afternoon and they are fast asleep in front of my chair right now. Ahh tomorrow back to normal ha ha. Oh and one thing- Penasco changed how they do their yearly car registration and now they just give you a sticker- like in the U.S. I thought it was an incredible waste to give new license plates every year! But that's what happened last year- he went over there and had to turn in the plates and they gave us new ones! Crazy eh? Either way it's still way way cheaper to renew the registration in Sonora than to change to Baja plates. Next comes my new driver's license- hopefully this month since my Sonora license expired. I've heard that you must take a written test here- then from someone else I heard no written, just a driving test- so we'll see. In Guerrero and Sonora there's no test of any kind.

Here's a couple of pictures of this afternoon playing ball on the beach behind our house...as you can see we basically have the beach to ourselves...all the time.

Our house is behind/under the studio apt on stilts. The house on the left if empty and the house on the right has one lady. Most of the houses near us are empty...some get rented for wknds when the weather is nice. We love our beach.

I was looking at my blog from last year at this time because we moved in Feb 1 here. I hadn't been thrilled about moving into this old trailer, but the views; the beach & the estuary, the fact that our dogs could run free...not too many neighbors, quiet...well those things sold me and after a year I'm so happy we chose to come here. Oh and the price was right up our alley ha ha- $250USD per month and water & garbage free....with our small income the price was right!

I was not super happy to read some of my other posts for this time period, basically because I felt like ouch- zero personal growth in one area. I had written at this time last year about my frustration and sadness about the relationship or lack of one with my younger daughter. I find myself in the exact same place. This is the opposite of the title of this post- which was actually referring to my exercise program and not my relationship with my kid. With the older one, Drewy, my relationship is awesome! The only thing that could make it better is if she moved down here! (not gonna happen0 We talk all the time, about everything, personal to each of us, family stuff, her work stuff, what we both do with our time...everything. I love her so much and her soon to be step daughter and her finace as well. He loves her so much, and it seems like he is so good for her and to her. Calm where she is not ha ha- Yes she is a mini me! But he is calm and strong and loving and kind. And my granddaughter is a mini Drew ha ha! The facebook photos of her getting all dressed up like Drewy, playing school with her dolls and the dog- just like Drew did when she was that age. They are a beautiful family.

Hmmm I guess it's easier to talk about the good relationship, right? Well I know the same things as last year where my younger daughter is concerned. That I need to find acceptance. That I need to let go of her. That I need to continue to ask the universe for guidance where she is concerned. I actually wrote a big long thing here last nite- and this may be the first time I came back and edited my post. The things I wrote were true, and how I felt, but they were in my context...some details that were/are bothering me, and of course not the complete picture. So I woke up and decided that I felt better for getting it out of me- that sometimes that's what I need. In fact this blog has become huge for me in getting out my feelings when I'm confused or scared or angry. I write how I feel and it helps me work thru whatever it is. But this time I felt like the feelings were more private- or maybe just too hard to articulate accurately without telling a long story with too many details...ha ha it's called life.

OK so I end up with this: I do have a relationship with my daughter; I just wish it was different, more. We have not been close for a very long time; basically since she turned 13. She chose to live at her dad's even though I only lived about 5 blocks away. Of course she chose him- she had a huge living space- the house had a finished "basement" so she had 2 bedrooms, a full bath, a bigger living room than in my house, a huge big screen tv, etc- oh and her own entrance. Add almost no rules and no chores/responsibilities, well I guess she was in hog heaven. My little house was cozy...but I had rules, curfew, etc.

Anyway I missed alot with her...homework, watching tv at nite, eating together- you know- life! Honestly broke my heart, over & over. It has not changed. Last summer I thought we made some progress, but it seems it was again it was just that she needed something- and as my husband tells me over & over...when she does contact me I jump up with joy to be hearing from her, and then she just wants something. This time I tried to capitalize on a negative (her relationship with her dad's new wife was not going well) and in the end it bit me in the ass. I should have known you can't get something positive- you can't "win" or accomplish anything positive by using a negative situation. Now I've lost the friendship of my ex husband who I have been friends with over 20 years, as well as his new wife. My fault. And my daughter? Well we are back to not communicating. And when we do, if I call her on anything she is not interested. Like I said, not much of a relationship. Over the years I have driven myself crazy...trying to see her, call her, text her, msg her....being ignored unless she feels like it (read wants something). I knew we spoiled her too much and I did my best to stop when she became a teen, but then I really lost her. Ha ha it's lonely being right sometimes. Yeah yeah do I want to be right or do I want to be happy (well I'm always happy when I'm right ha ha)....but sometimes doing the right thing doesn't make me happy in the moment, but ultimately it usually does.

My kid needs to be responsible, to face consequences...to grow up. Right now she's 21 and full of herself. I love when she gets excited about something; she's very passionate...but it is always fleeting and then she's off to the next thing. Well I know she has her own path. I knew it last year too - but still I circle back to the same spot. So...I need to keep asking the universe for guidance, I need to use the serenity prayer in all things- you know- the last line with the wisdom to know the difference of what I can change. because the thing is- I can only change myself. My attitude. I can't change anyone else. I can only behave in a positive responsible way- for myself. I love you daughter.

So I am going to try to let go again. I am not going to pursue her, chase after her, beg her to love me, to need me, to choose me. I love her and always will, but she is on her own path. I am out. I will be happy to hear from her anytime, but I cannot be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. Not fair to me or to my husband, and affects her not at all. Now I've said it out loud and in writing. I hope I re read this- alot- so I stick with it. I have family and friends who want a relationship with me and that's who I will spend my time, my emotions, my life with.

I can see that I've been trying to rewrite the past, make it different. This whole obsession with wanting her to "choose" me, like it will make me a good mother somehow or something. Acceptance is what I need to embrace. I ask the universe for guidance and motivation and I need to supply the acceptance and forgiveness. I was also asking the universe for support, but I realize that guidance and motivation is support. Doubting myself is just another way to be a victim. I don't want to be a victim- for anything. Usually I am not- but I think doubting myself is doing just that. Hmmm! See! This is why I love writing things out...I figure things out sometimes. I feel relief right now. Here is an opportunity for change- in me.

Yes I believe a nice "VIVA" is in order! VIVA!!!!!

My pelican friends

The edge of Todos Santos Bay, Ensenada, Baja California

This is the bay we live on. This picture was taken today from the backyard of a house my friend is house sitting. It's on a cliff, very close to the mouth of the bay on the opposite side from Ensenada. We live almost in the center of the U which is the bay. What is that called? The bottom? We look straight out towards the ocean. Her place is beautiful. We sat there this afternoon watching pelicans soaring- but since we were up on the cliff, the pelicans were at eye level- they were amazing! The colors were changing as we watched. The deepest greens slowly changing to lighter coral greens and then back to dark. But I must say, as beautiful as it was, I prefer being closer to the water; we can't see as many dramatic changes in colors- or the cliffs....but I can touch it! I can breathe it in...my silly dogs can run in and splash around.

There were soooo many pelicans out there! In front of our place the land - that's when I call them a pelican convention, but here they flew along the shoreline, then out over the water, then back. I could hear sea lions barking near the tuna rings....probly trying to get to all the bait fish in the rings that the tunas must munch on. Those damn tuna rings- too soon our beautiful bay will be stripped of all its bait fish, then the dolphins and seals and sea lions won't come.....I read it will take at least 50 years for the bay to recover, and by then these rings will have moved on to ruin the ecology of another beautiful bay...

Oh- so today with our dogs & the beach! While I was out visiting my friend, Everardo took the dogs running with him. He runs on the beach and Hazel runs circles around him. Sam trots alongside, stopping to sniff interesting stuff that's come in with the tide. It's funny because he has a bad leg, after a long day he is stiff and sore...limpy. He can't run too far, and can only run really fast for a short time. But he can jog along with Everardo in the sand. Anyway, today as they were running, Poppi passed a seal asleep on the beach - actually he wasn't sure if it was a seal or a sea lion - he didn't actually see it as he went by, but Hazel did. She went up and sniffed the seal's tail and the seal woke up and barked at Hazel. Our Hazel wanted to play. She kept wanting to sniff nose to nose- that what she did last summer with Bob the sea lion- the injured on we found on the beach. That one was so tired, he let Hazel and Sam both come close and didn't shy away. I didn't have my camera then but I swear Hazel and Bob did touch noses. I mean Bob let me stroke him and gently pour water on him those days he recuperated on the beach. And then he was gone. But today, this seal was ok...barked at Hazel and then went back into the water. Hazel followed (of course)....Poppi said it was funny- Hazel followed and the seal kept looking back. He was a little worried that the seal would attack Hazel once in the water, but when it was finally a little deeper, he gave a last look and dove away. So if we lived out on a beautiful cliff, we would miss that.

I wrote yesterday about my health commitment to myself. I felt like since it takes up so much of my time right now, that I should include it in my blog. I kinda wish I didn't....at least the part about how much weight I wanted to lose, how much I have so far...I woke up feeling pressured- and ha ha I did it to myself! It has been private up until now, something I'm doing for myself. Now I have set up an expectation for myself. Well there's only one way to fix this. To say it is still my journey. That I will continue for myself. I may continue to write about it here however not in the same detail I think. I'll say this- I'm still planning to start the zumba class Tuesday morning at 8am- but I don't know where the place is ha ha. Also Everardo is leaving at about 4am Tuesday for Penasco to renew our car & truck registrations so he won't be here. And my goal is actually simply to learn some new steps for my own dancing, to maybe bump up my exercise program for a month or so, and then let it go. Unless of course I find I love leaving the house at 7:45am at least twice a week ha ha. Yeah I doubt that will happen. I like the idea of not fixing things that aren't broken. I like getting up at 7:30 or 7:45, then having coffee and not starting my exercise routine until 9am. I plan to return to that routine in 3 or 4 weeks. I did have an awesome dinner tonite- a huge plate of steamed broccoli, green beans, garlic and a half pound of fresh shrimp. Stuffed me good. I did have my glass of carrots and beets earlier too! The juicer rules!

This past week I've tried halving my ingredients for my protein shake....but I found myself hungry not long after. I'll have to think about it & decide if it's how I want to go forward. The thing is with half the shake I can have other things during the afternoon...well maybe I can do it different on different days, right? So today is day one of month 11.

I can't believe it's Feb 1!! Funny- I looked at my blog for today last year and I was talking about going to zumba on Monday! Well this time it will be just Tue/Thur and in the morning not 6pm in the afternoon. It was when we just moved into this trailer, about Sam & Hazel running all over the beach- so my writing is not that different ha ha. But and this is huge- I wrote about having a migraine and how panic attacks always proceeded them, and about the woman in the pharmacy who gave me the "magic pill" that I could only take a quarter of that cured my headache. I have not had a migraine since I got those pills; a couple of times during 2014 I felt one coming on, I felt a panic attack coming on- there's always something I can smell...a funny taste in my mouth. But they're gone! No more panic attacks equal no more migraines for me! I got a prescription for those pills, and Poppi took one when he got stung by the jellyfish....but the qty 30 they gave me will still last me the rest of my life!

The weather was pretty nice this time last year and if the news is correct we are heading into good weather this week. Yippee if that means the nites will be warmer! ok well that's all for now I think. I'll let you know how early morning group zumba goes- should be interesting after 10 months of dancing alone on the beach- doing whatever I wanted....yeah at the senior stretching class I sort of make up some of the steps to get more out of it...I twirl and jump ha ha! However I suspect the zumba class will kick my ass at first since I have become a believer of the fast & slow exercise concept- to rev up my heart rate for a song or two, then do an easy one to slow my heart back down...then back up....so....vamos a ver, right?
viva