Happy Valentine's Day!

What a beautiful day! No I did not receive a box of chocolates or candy hearts, but I did get the gift of an awesome day. Oh and it's not over yet. Anyway it started with a cup of coffee and a ride out to the cliffs we went to for a few minutes yesterday, to look for whales. Notice I did not say "whale watching" because that assumes that there are whales hanging out waiting to be watched. That was not the case. As the day wore on Everardo made terrible jokes like -I saw some quail....wheel watching...it went on & funny enough, never got old so we laughed all day.

We took Hazel and Sam for the first hour, but that wasn't working out too well....Sam is fine, he'll lay down at your feet, but Hazel runs and jumps all over the place. So I went from scanning with the binoculars to worrying about her. Once when Poppi said oh she's fine under the truck, we looked and she had crossed the street. The thing is...this is a windy road leading to the Bufadora, and the place we stop is in between two curves. And man, people drive like bats out of hell! I looked at the curve beyond us, that curves inward so the outside lane goes along the guard rail and wondered how many cars simply miss that turn and fly off the cliff to be smashed on the rocks and deown in the ocean below. Dark, right? But they are driving sooo fast! And huge buses also come along, but they are going slow by these turns. There was one cruise ship in port over in Ensenada, and then when we took the dogs home to drop them off we saw a huge cruise ship coming in from the south.

Ok so back to the cliff. Everado took the dogs exploring and I sat and watched the ocean for awhile. I heard a long deep boom, a foghorn way out there. There was a wall of fog way out, almost to the horizon, so we could see lots of ocean; 2 sailboats...they looked so cool, lots of birds...I could hear sea lions barking but couldn't see them. So after an hour we decided to bring the dogs home and then go back out. So we came back and that's when we saw the huge cruise ship come in from the south so we knew that was the foghorn we heard. That was kinda cool.

I sat and watched the ship come in ever so slowly and Everardo went in the house and came back out with protein shakes for both of us. Mine has to be made without the protein powder we bought, but we are getting creative and smashing up almonds, adding berries and bananas, and this weekend I'll pick up some yogurt with is packed with protein. Then we went back out.

At first it was "OH NO!", because the fog had crept into almost to the shore, but we continued past our cliff and went all the way to the Bufadora. We walked thru and Everardo bought the bread with the cheese inside that I love so much. Then he led me to the shop that had the purses I loved so much last time we were out there buying bread. He said pick the one you like....and ha ha I ended up with 2! Both are handmade from Oxaca, one with embroidered flowers, the other a thicker material of bright colors. We walked all the way the shops (in my head I call it the walk of shame...cause you kinda gotta not look at anyone or they'll try to sell you something- altho' they try whether you look at them or not ha ha). There was a lot of people there, both cruise ships must of had people who wanted to come out. The vendors walk around with trays of tiny pina colodas giving them away free, and everyone wants you to visit their shop. Luckily we had a couple of bags so I could alternate with "no, gracias" and "ya compre" (I already bought one) It's nice to see that the place is busy. There's been some conflict with the vendors and the landowners and they were closed for a couple of weeks in Nov or early Dec, but they are up and running now.

Unfortunately it was low tide so the Bufadora (blow hole) was only offering small bursts, but the whole place has a nice ocean view (so I could keep watching for my elusive whales) and I always enjoying going out there. (ha ha we only been here3.5 months & I'm already using the word "always") I saw a guy and then later a woman painting scenes on plates with their fingers- I was really impressed. I think they sell them for $5. Cruise ships bring thousands of  foreign tourists so they show the prices in dollars (by foreign I mean the US & Canada). Ah well something for me to buy next time ha ha. Oooh maybe souvenir gifts when I go up to northern Ca...

Then we left and came back to our cliff spot. We stayed another hour or so, and I told Everardo it was ok if we didn't see the whales, maybe they just weren't coming by today.
Little fun fact:
Each year, around 26,000 gray whales (Eschrichtius robustus) make the 10,000 mile journey from the Arctic Sea south to Baja and back. In fact, the gray whale's trip is the longest migration undertaken by any mammal. 

Oh good I just looked up that fact.  A couple of guys stopped at our cliff and asked if we'd seen any whales. They had planned to take a boat out from Ensenada to go whale watching but a passerby told them the season was probly over and the boat would just take their money. Of course they can't guarantee you'll see a whale; like us today, they just weren't swimming by. But the article I just read said the season of their migration is the end of Dec thru March, so I'll probly have another chance. But it was a beautiful and fun day. We came home and I took a nap. When I got up Everardo was gone taking the dogs for a walk/swim. Now we just finished some nice soup and grilled cheese sandwiches and I would say that Valentine's Day was a success. (oh I gave him a lollipop that said "Te amo" and a tiny stuffed dog holding some red candies. Hazel has torn apart the stuffed animals we had from other holidays...and I didn't get chocolate, because then it would have been for me ha ha).

It's still nice out and a full moon to boot. so let's see the evening brings! Viva!

Oh- and what came to me after all that writing I did last nite.....unconditional love, I need to practice it, I need to recognize where/when it's needed. (answer- almost always)........

Spirituality....well mine anyway

So this post is kinda dear diary, I need to get out what's in my mind and how I've been dealing with it. I am so so so so happy about where we moved to; where we are right now. This is the smallest place I've ever lived in, including when I first moved out from home at 18 into a house with 3 other women and I had the old sun porch (I guess you'd call it) as my bedroom. But being next to the ocean is great! We are not facing the ocean; there's another house before the beach, but I think I shared already that it's a one room studio on stilts (ok cement posts) so it's only on the second floor. But out our backside is a covered garage with a big old beat up van that I think says "Mobile windshield wipers" or something like that. So the breeze off the surf does not blow right into us like in Playa Ventura. Well and this is also a bay, so there are not huge crashing waves, but I noticed yesterday at 5PM driving the truck into the sun, that the windshield needed to be cleaned from the - well it's like soot only from salty spray.

But the important thing here is that I get up, pee & brush my teeth, get a cup of coffee and walk out to the top of the path down to the beach. The dogs know now that this is my ritual. They are giving me big eyes every morning as soon as I emerge from the bedroom and signalling me " now? now? are we going now? how about now?" etc etc etc

Don't get me wrong, I love the place, too. It's really starting to look homey. The painting is closer to done than not, most of the artwork is up, family photos have their own wall. We shopped in the segundas and found furniture that fits us. It's all good. Oh the dogs don't have to be on leashes- ever! We do have a small yard and when we leave, we close the gate, and during the nite we have the gate closed, but they have the run of the area. They stay close; Sam is teaching Hazel not to wander too far. They are so happy, in the mornings when Sam is tired from chasing the ball down to the beach he just lays down with it but his tail keeps on waggin'.

And that's what I mean- it's all good! I feel good, I'm happy. not stressing over anything (wow is that true?) and it just feels right here. Now of course I do have things that get to me, that cause stress. My younger daughter for instance; her not communicating with me in any form- phone, email, facebook msg, telepathy...nothing. This hurts me, breaks my heart, but the truth is, this is old news. OLD NEWS. As in years! So why do I continue to get resentments, to be hurt, to be angry, to try to justify things? The only person affected by all this negative emotion is me. Negatively. I have been working on acceptance for along time now, well over a year. Not just of her, but of life around me, the things I cannot change, yeah the serenity prayer right? The only thing I can change is my attitude. I have a younger sister who also basically ignores me and in learning to let that go I think it's helping me with my kid.

Down in Playa Ventura I talked to the universe every day sitting on my rock at the edge of the ocean. In those 6 months my spiritual connection really grew, strengthened. I learned to ask for guidance, and you know what? IT WORKS!! I could be centered, completely at one with myself and the universe...even if it was only for those few minutes I was out on my rock. I became a spiritual person as a result of becoming a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact I am days away from my 13th sobriety birthday. But 13 years ago when I came into the program I had no spirituality, and the God I grew up with was not one I believed in anymore. Well in the 12 steps you are asked to concede that maybe (just maybe) there's a power greater than yourself. Please! As I talked about it with a woman who helped me thru the steps, I came to see just how many things were a power greater than me ha ha.....electricity, science, my boss...the point is to see that we are not alone, and that maybe with help we could begin to recover. For me, at first an AA meeting I was in was my higher power. When I was with them, I didn't drink. I started to feel connected to them. Then slowly, over time I began to see I was connected to people out side the meetings rooms. Then I could see how I was connected to all living things, and then added in everything, wind, the sun, etc. This took a long time, but it was continuous growth for me. I know I am connected to everyone and everything and I strive to make my contribution positive. I don't understand how the connection works or "what it means" and that's ok too. I just know how I feel when I do the right thing for the right reason. The steps also invite you to take a personal inventory of yourself, then decide what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind. Much of what I wanted (and still want) to leave behind is emotions. These are my character defects. Fear, anger, selfishness, resentment, pettiness, etc. Did I say fear?

For me, when I look, really look at something that I'm angry about, or resentful about, I can always trace it back to fear. Every negative emotion I have I can trace back to fear. Fear that I won't get something I believe I need, or want. Fear that you won't love me. Fear that I really am bad....It's always fear of something. So...I do not want to have fear in my life (other than healthy fear like swimming with sharks or touching a hot stove). So when I am on my rock, or now when I am sitting in my chair looking at the ocean, I try to feel what's going on with me. How did my day go yesterday? Was I mad at anyone or about anything? Was I selfish? Did I snap at my husband or was I mean to my doggys? I need to make amends for those things, but I need to look inside myself and ask why was I like that? What's going on?

When I sit down with my coffee I say a prayer I made up 13 years ago. At the end of most of the AA meetings they stand up and say the "Our Father" (I like the meetings that recite the serenity prayer), but after a while I started reciting the Our Father because I was being "a part of". The group said it together so I said it. But it means nothing to me. Zero. When I was a kid we went to the Catholic church and I probly said that prayer a million times. So it became rote. Like " la la la la la la la la la" Well I needed something, so I thought about the words and I made up my own words for what I thought the prayer was about. I still say that prayer every day. Sometimes it helps me fall asleep. In Playa Ventura, on my rock, I would say the prayer out loud (oh all my rock and chair talking to the universe it out loud. I need to say the words out loud.) So I would say the words, and then just pick a line and sort of talk about it. It would help me to see how I was feeling. One of the lines is "Pls give me each day my spiritual nourishment"...and some days I can see that my spiritual nourishment is everywhere. It's at my feet, it's in the fresh air, in my husband's eyes, in my daughters voices. Then I can be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I have gotten better at this knowing of myself and most days I say the words but already have an idea about what I need to talk about.

So I have been doing it here, just for the past 16 days, every day since we've been in this house. I did walk along with the dogs on the beach and talk to the universe at the other house here, but not consistently, not in a special place. In Penasco I mostly did it in the car. Sometimes in the park when I took Sam down there, and that was peaceful. But this place, it clicked immediately that this place had a special place, and so it began again. I know now, in a BIG way, that no matter where we are- meaning if/when we ever move from here- I MUST find a place that it feels right to have my conversations on a regular basis with my higher power, with the universe. The change in me is HUGE HUGE HUGE...and Everardo can see I am happy, much more serene....well to be fair the past 3 months had been a weird nightmare of being in the area we wanted, but totally in the wrong (read: evil) spot. But I am calmer, and I have been asking for guidance....and getting it. I can talk about anything and explore way out there ideas and somehow come back to center after awhile. Sam & Hazel are close, I have a ball chucker and I can throw the ball down onto the beach and they chase, and sniff and explore. I have my coffee and my binoculars, and I sit..

A couple of days ago I concentrated on a line of my prayer, and I don't think I ever thought about this one before. It's the last line and it goes " Pls guide my path that I might always walk in the sunlight of the spirit" What does that mean? I always ask for guidance with my problems, but what is walk in sunlight of the spirit? Yeah I made up the prayer but I did not make up those words 'sunlight of the spirit'....So I started talking about how would I do that walk. And I came up with well I would be free of resentment, of anger, of fear. Ha! I'm back to acceptance. Where my sister is concerned it's a little easier but still hurt a little. But I do know it's on me for continuing to try and then to continue to be resentful or hurt. She is who she is, and actually, what she thinks is not my business. I have to do what's right for me. And if I want to keep reaching out, then I cannot be married to the results. Wanting to reach out is for me. The reply or non reply is on her. And again, not my business.

With my daughter is a little harder. But it shouldn't be. She's an adult. She'll be 21 in a couple of months. What she thinks is not my business. But it really hurts, I mean can just drag me down into a hole. But it has been this way for years- probly 7 or 8 years, since I divorced her dad. She always chose him. He's a good man, but he spoiled her and as far a I know, continues to spoil her and it's really not good for her. So I stood up for what I believed is right, and sometimes think- yeah and now you don't even know your daughter. OK no more regrets- that's for sure. I cannot change anything that's happened in the past. I know I did the best I could. And when I'm with her, she loves me, we have closeness, the love of a mother and child. The kind I have all the time with my older daughter, Drewy. I miss them for different reasons. Drewy I miss because we talk almost every day. On the phone and on facebook private msg. I know what's going on with her life and she knows about mine. So I miss hugging her and breathing her in. Halla I miss because I don't know her. I love her. I know she's smart and funny and passionate and strong. But I know nothing about how she feels, how is school? your job? the new place you moved into with your dad and his new wife? Ouch how quickly I start to feel sorry for myself! The resentment!! This is what I have to let go of to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. I love my child and that's it. When she wants to have a relationship with me I will be here. I had been anxting about her only calling me to ask for something...and you know what? Why am I worrying, being resentful (like I don't even hear from you until you want something), why am I future tripping? If something like that happens I can deal with it then. And that's another big thing for me. It's ok to think things over. I don't have to have an answer for things, to anyone, right that second. I can always take time to think about how I feel.

So I'm excited about thinking about how all these things seem to circle around and meet back up with each other. All the negative things have a circle and all the positive things have a circle. I wish both my daughters would come visit me, both of them, and probly only Drewy will come. It's funny, we're so close now...a long day's drive, ok day and a half.....It feels good to have gotten all this out, not sure how much sense it made, but it's kinda like when I talk out loud to the universe, I feel better.

So- Poppi wants to watch that movie "12 Years a Slave" so gotta go. Viva

Busy week,

It's been a busy week. I'm so glad my husband decided he doesn't like white either! Or maybe he just is such a nice guy that he knows how much I think paint can change everything and he's going for it. He even mixed the green and the yellow we didn't like to make a mustard color I really like. Funny thing is one was water based and the other was oil.....hmmm oh well it looks good. This makes 4 houses Everardo has painted for me in under 2 years! I love color. And really lucky for me he's a really good painter!

So he will not let me paint. Ok well I am busy sitting on the beach with my coffee in the morning, throwing the ball for the dogs, watching these guys surfing down the beach. The waves are not tall here, we're in a bay. But I heard my neighbor and our friend Tim talking about these huge waves so I googled it. At the mouth of the bay, not in the middle, more to the left, and they're called Islas Todos Santos (same as the bay). Anyway there are huge waves, up to 60 feet! There's been some surfing competitions there but I couldn't figure out if anything was coming up. There was something about a competition that is open between Dec 30 and March something (maybe the 1st) and it's by invitation and only about 24 people are invited. I guess they watch the weather and then notify everyone? It sounded like it was here, but I wasn't sure. And I can't see those huge waves although I have seen the spray on one side of the island. The waves have to be coming in to the island so I'm on the wrong side, but I saw some utube videos and they were amazing...there were a bunch of videos but I only watched 3 or 4, but I do love watching surfing. I read you can pay $20 and take a boat out there but you aren't guaranteed to see anything, and our friend Tim has been fishing out there a few times and has never seen the really big waves.

The beach is wonderful (I didn't want to keep saying "amazing") I'm getting what I got from my big rock in Playa Ventura. When I get up I take my coffee out there and sit at the top of the path (the path is maybe 20 feet long) and watch the ocean. Bob, the guy upstairs came down one morning last week and gave me his binoculars- he saw me with my dad's telescope and thought I'd like the binoclulars...he said they made him dizzy. He told me to hang onto them and he'd let me know if he wanted them.....so a few minutes later I asked him, since they make him dizzy would he like me to buy them from him? He said no, but keep them for now. He's right- I love them...and man I just HAVE to buy a camera! The other morning there was a ring of fog around the mountain out at the point, it was so beautiful. The pelicans are my favorite bird, one buzzed me- it was so cool. There are so many different colored birds, I mean I think for example that the sea gulls are white and brown, the brown being the females? There are these teeny tiny white birds that run along the surf in big groups.

I watch cruise ships cross the mouth of the bay coming from the south, and cross over to Ensenada, and huge freighter loading up those gigantic crates- railroad cars I think! I see small fishing boats, and always look out to the left by the point to see what's going on with the tuna rings. I could watch all day.

But what's the best- I sit out there with my coffee, and I talk to the universe. I say the prayer I made up and have been saying for almost 13 years now (On Feb 19 I'll have 13 years clean and sober). Then I just talk, kind of free association. I talk about whatever comes to mind. These days I'm working on forgiveness, and acceptance. I have a younger sister who I hardly talk to (meaning email, phone, fb msg, anything). Over the years we have been off and on, but I thought before I left for Mexico we had made some positive progress. But she doesn't answer the phone, or email or reply to private facebook messages, and I just have to let go. Accept it. He husband has had some medical issues; he fell a few years back onto a cement floor- bashed his forehead, and had brain damage. Forgetting things, getting lost, get's tired, not comfortable in a group...really tough stuff. I know it has to be so hard for my sister. But she isolates. Smokes alot of weed, keeps to herself. So- I have to accept it. I mean me getting all resentful over it whenever I reach out and get no response does nothing, It doesn't affect her and fills me with negative energy. It's almost the same with my younger daughter. No communication and I just have to accept that for now, I am not in her life- oh and this started WAY before I left. Basically when I divorced her farther, so almost 8 years ago. I have to accept it. So I ask the universe for guidance. When I do that every morning I can let go of resentment, hurt, fear, anger. My day goes so much better. I was even thinking that maybe my asking for guidance with my daughter- well a situation with my sister was put in front of me, and I had to deal with that- so maybe it shows me the way with my kid. Hmmm...ok what I mean is, I found out from my niece that my brother in law had to go to the emergency room and now needs to see the neurologist, issues with his vision and maybe other things. So I wrote to my sister. I told her that her I was chatting on FB with her kid, and I asked how her husband was. I asked how she was I asked how her other kids were, yadda yadda yadda. So far no reply, But I prayed for them all anyway. And as I talked to the universe about it, I started to accept a little better the relationship (or non relationship) I have with my daughter.

Talking out loud about my fears, my uncertainty, always helps. Kinda the same premise as AA. AA is where I learned to share, where I was able to choose a higher power that worked for me. I also know that for me- positive energy attracts positive energy and the same with negative energy so I know what I need to do. But I have to do it every day.

The beach is a place that works for me. This beach works for me. Sometimes it's so quiet and sometimes there's stuff going on in the water and on the beach. It's fun to watch all the neighborhood dogs; some come down with their owners and some just show up. They run and jump, some run straight to the water, some chase birds....different sizes and colors...and what's really cool is they all get along.

Well in other news, both cars have had issues in the same week. The car has a problem with the gear shift, and over in Maneadero the car wouldn't start in a parking lot. That was 2 days ago and now every time you try to start it. And this is following figuring out we need a new timing chain- which requires pulling the motor aarrggghhhh!! Everardo thought we needed to change spark plugs and oil in the truck and found out there was some wire disconnected. Such fun- oh and today we went to get oil and some other things, in the car, and I remembered on the way home that I had taken the house key off the key chain...so we were locked out! We stopped at the rental office and she said the maintenance guy had a key but he was in Ensenada for the day. We came home and looked around, then Poppi took a screw driver and took the window out in the kitchen door! This is a mobile home so that door just has a small window that pushes up, and he got it off. My hero! ('specially since it was my fault). Ha ha the reason I took the keys off the chain was to hide one outside in case we ever got locked out, but I got involved in something else last nite and forgot to do it. ooops

Well that about catches me up. I do need to find someone tomorrow that can take a letter to the states and mail for me. Tim told me he was going "for sure" and this afternoon said, oh yeah I'm not going. I have Everardo's passport and an IRS form, and very important, a check for some girl scout cookies to mail. To get the cheap premium for healthcare (it's hard not to call it Obamacare because it's catchy) but calling it that is wrong)- anyway I have to fill married filing joint to get the credit. So that means I need an ITN # for Everardo and you have to submit that form and proof of ID. With an original passport that's all you need but anything else has to be notarized, so we're going with the passport. God I hope they send it back. But he has no current plans to leave the country so we should be ok. I am for healthcare reform and I believe this is a good first step....but is IS still bullshit. The total monthly premium for me is $740!!! But with the credit I get it's only $145. Before this I was only paying $280. So the credit that the govt pays STILL goes to the insurance company!! Why should the government pay it? Why not stop the fucking insurance companies???? Feels like the problems are the same, just somebody else is paying...ah well, we'll see....

I'm out. Viva!