This morning I sat in my chair lookin' at the beach ....and now I know to look for bunches of different kinds of birds together, and I was rewarded with 2 dolphins jumping and swimming. I almost wrote "the same 2 dolphins", but I don't know if they're the same 2 I've seen over the last week. And this is only the second time I've seen 2 together. But it always feels like my lucky day when I see them my own little person gift from the universe. So do the birds cluster by them because the dolphins know where the fish are? Or do they just like them? I mean the birds just don't sit, they flap around and move around with the dolphins. It really looks like they're all having a good time. Haven't seen any whales yet, but they are much more rare here in the bay and I haven't been back out to the cliffs, but I want to go tomorrow. Poppi said this afternoon we should go check out the boats that take you out to see them, but for (ha ha) me...it better be a big boat- bigger than the one we went out on in the Sea of Cortez for Everardo's birthday. Yeah like in Jaws-"we need a bigger boat".
I started my new exercise this week instead of zumba. Man I love zumba, and maybe I'll go back after daylight savings starts, and I feel a little better about myself physically- meaning when I can breathe after a few minutes of exercise ha ha. Walking on the beach, as close to the shore as I can get where the sand is the firmest. This week I did 4 days of about 50 minutes (out and back). Next week I'll do an hour, and my plan is to do another hour at the end of the day...or maybe zumba eh? The beach walk is good, feels good. I use my ipod...a tiny little square called a "shuffle". Of course it drove me crazy because I had added all the zumba music from Penasco and didn't realize it made a second playlist...blah blah blah to get it all to shuffle together I had to put it in a folder, and to do that I had to goggle the user guide. Ha! I've had this little ipod for about 4 or 5 years and never did anything but turn it on and go. Ok so I dance my way down the beach, sometimes rock & roll and sometimes zumba, it all makes me sweat!
But yesterday- no yesterday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine so no walk- the light outside killed my eyes. I took an over the counter migraine aspirin and it pushed it back a little bit. By early afternoon it was not gone, and like a shadow starting to creep back I could feel it. Pissed me off 'cause they're only supposed to come every 3 months or so (my rules ha ha). And maybe this one would have simply been a bad headache, but it did wake me up during the nite, and that usually means migraine. I did not however want to get a shot. But then we remembered the pill the pharmacist gave me last time. I was crying by the time we got there, and she was so nice. She was licensed to give injections so she gave it to me. Then she got a pill out of her personal stash- she broke it into 4 pieces and told me to take one piece right then. She said it would stop the panic attacks that came with the headache and she said I was so anxious and upset that it makes it worse, and this would help. You know, I'm sure I wrote about this when I got it, and I goggled it when I got home, etc. So I still had 2 tiny pieces and took one. An hour later the headache was gone, I had a good night sleep last night and feel like myself today. Oh yeah that's right- the reason I doubted it was a migraines was because altho I had bad dreams and the headache woke me up, I didn't have a panic attack. Anyway I'm good now. Back to the beach walking...
So Thursday I decided to not listen to my music on the way, only the way back. The reason was I didn't want to loose what I get from sitting in my chair out there with my coffee and talking to the universe. And Tue & Wed when I got back I fell into the shower and then drank my protein shake from my chair in the living room. I'll work it out...I did notice that without the music I tend to walk slower. So we'll see. But I love, I need that universe time. I'm working stuff out for myself...I'm on a path, I want to hold onto it. I'm close than I have ever been with the concept of acceptance. With my younger sister and my younger daughter, I have been going thru this shit for years. Lately I have been able to let go of them. With my sister it's much easier. She seems not to want a relationship, or at least not one in which we communicate unless we are face to face, and well, finally finally finally that's ok. Love her, but not gonna spend another minute anx'ting over why she doesn't respond to me. What a huge relief..like fresh air somehow...bad energy dissipating. And all the bad energy was mine. I have no idea, no way of knowing how she feels, what she thinks or not and it's none of my business. It takes work though until it becomes my way and I must be diligent.
Of course my daughter is much harder, but the same basic principles apply. It's my bad energy a wishin' and a hopin'.....It's my bad energy being hurt, it's my bad energy being mad....and maybe worst of all it's my bad energy constantly doing "what if"s what if this happens? what if that happens....? But since I have been practicing acceptance, talking it thru, asking myself what does it look like, what if I just accepted Halla for Halla? That right now our relationship is what it is? You know what happens? It is soooo totally cool!!! I relax inside, I feel happy, at peace. Of course I can't hang onto it for too long, so much has happened in my little pea brain. I see her post something on Face book, or not write to me, or like now, a month ago she sent me a quick msg she missed me and as gonna call me. Yeah that was a month ago. So I've been letting it go. Then yesterday my other daughter, who I have an amazing relationship with, told me Halla asked for my phone number (ok tiny resentment...why doesn't she know my number?...ok over it). So I was all happy she was going to call, kinda nervous...we haven't spoken since last August and had minimal chats on fb. I do want to have a relationship with her, when she wants one. But of course....no call. Well maybe tomorrow. But the truth is I need to concentrate on the people in my life who want to have a relationship with me. I love Drew's life with her fiance and her new daughter Danica. That makes Danica my soon to be granddaughter and I adore her. This morning on Skype she told me about riding her bike and about dance lessons and about Kindergarten. Now that chokes me up! And all in positive energy! I have another sister who I email back and forth with since she's in Florida. That's positive energy. Everardo has family who he talks to often and they want to be in our lives. My life is full. And yeah I'm pretty happy.
Most of the time.....this week we had a big argument that started over me getting mad at the dog or something and the fight was he thinks I fly off the handle in anger to quickly. I pointed out that at least now I get over it quick...years ago I could nurse a good grudge for a long time ha ha. Oh and this week I celebrated 13 years sobriety. That's truly the biggest thing in my life, because without the 12 steps of AA I wouldn't (probably) have the awareness to take a look at my anger, my fears, or to come to believe that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. So down here the birthday person has to supply the cake/goodies for the meeting, and since I had told my oreo story in the group here locally, I brought a big bowl of oreos. The funny thing was, the bowl was cover with aluminum foil and as I came in someone said- you better go home and get Oreos! Ha ha and I uncovered them! Skip ahead if you've heard this oreo story, but I share that anytime I start thinking I could have just one drink, I think of Oreos. Oreos are my favorite cookie, maybe my favorite food, or at least second behind peanut butter. But I have to buy them in the small packages that just have 6 or 8 cookies, and I always eat them all. (of course right) But today, if I were to buy a regular package of Oreo cookies, well maybe today I would just eat 3 or 4 cookies- or maybe 6 or 8 since that's how many are in the small packs. And maybe even tomorrow I would just eat a handfull. But for sure by tomorrow nite, I would be laying in bed thinking about those cookies. I might get up and eat another 6 or 8. Even if they give me a stomach ache because I've already had 6 or 8 and maybe I had some ice cream with them after dinner. By day 3, I will eat them all, no matter how many are left. Writing this, I am thinking about the cookies that are on the counter wrapped in tin foil from last nite because they didn't get finished off....and there one small package in the cupboard as well. As soon as I finish writing this I'll get the ones in the foil....I am powerless over Oreo cookies. And the more I eat, the more I crave them. We were out most of today and that's why they're not gone...So you see I can tell myself....I can't even control my Oreo cookie cravings, so how could I think I could have just one drink? (and by the way- I NEVER had just one...if there was really only one drink to be had- I went without.)
So the house is close to done, and feels really homey. Only touch ups are needed for paint, and all the pictures are up in every room. Today I bought some little pottery bumble bees that I'm gonna put up on the wall over our closet, and I want to buy something bright like a big sun or a painted plate for the kitchen. Drew and Rex and Danica saw the house on skype and saw how close we are to the beach and everybody wants to come. I need to skype with my sister in Florida so I can show her, too.
I got a couple of comments on my blog recently, and some about my posts about my spirituality. Someone said it was so honest, they couldn't do it. I tell you, writing is very therapeutic, very soothing, and sometimes helps me figure out how I really feel. So writing, watching dophins, AA, and amazing hubby, and 2 great doggys...yeah life is pretty good right now. Viva!
I started my new exercise this week instead of zumba. Man I love zumba, and maybe I'll go back after daylight savings starts, and I feel a little better about myself physically- meaning when I can breathe after a few minutes of exercise ha ha. Walking on the beach, as close to the shore as I can get where the sand is the firmest. This week I did 4 days of about 50 minutes (out and back). Next week I'll do an hour, and my plan is to do another hour at the end of the day...or maybe zumba eh? The beach walk is good, feels good. I use my ipod...a tiny little square called a "shuffle". Of course it drove me crazy because I had added all the zumba music from Penasco and didn't realize it made a second playlist...blah blah blah to get it all to shuffle together I had to put it in a folder, and to do that I had to goggle the user guide. Ha! I've had this little ipod for about 4 or 5 years and never did anything but turn it on and go. Ok so I dance my way down the beach, sometimes rock & roll and sometimes zumba, it all makes me sweat!
But yesterday- no yesterday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine so no walk- the light outside killed my eyes. I took an over the counter migraine aspirin and it pushed it back a little bit. By early afternoon it was not gone, and like a shadow starting to creep back I could feel it. Pissed me off 'cause they're only supposed to come every 3 months or so (my rules ha ha). And maybe this one would have simply been a bad headache, but it did wake me up during the nite, and that usually means migraine. I did not however want to get a shot. But then we remembered the pill the pharmacist gave me last time. I was crying by the time we got there, and she was so nice. She was licensed to give injections so she gave it to me. Then she got a pill out of her personal stash- she broke it into 4 pieces and told me to take one piece right then. She said it would stop the panic attacks that came with the headache and she said I was so anxious and upset that it makes it worse, and this would help. You know, I'm sure I wrote about this when I got it, and I goggled it when I got home, etc. So I still had 2 tiny pieces and took one. An hour later the headache was gone, I had a good night sleep last night and feel like myself today. Oh yeah that's right- the reason I doubted it was a migraines was because altho I had bad dreams and the headache woke me up, I didn't have a panic attack. Anyway I'm good now. Back to the beach walking...
So Thursday I decided to not listen to my music on the way, only the way back. The reason was I didn't want to loose what I get from sitting in my chair out there with my coffee and talking to the universe. And Tue & Wed when I got back I fell into the shower and then drank my protein shake from my chair in the living room. I'll work it out...I did notice that without the music I tend to walk slower. So we'll see. But I love, I need that universe time. I'm working stuff out for myself...I'm on a path, I want to hold onto it. I'm close than I have ever been with the concept of acceptance. With my younger sister and my younger daughter, I have been going thru this shit for years. Lately I have been able to let go of them. With my sister it's much easier. She seems not to want a relationship, or at least not one in which we communicate unless we are face to face, and well, finally finally finally that's ok. Love her, but not gonna spend another minute anx'ting over why she doesn't respond to me. What a huge relief..like fresh air somehow...bad energy dissipating. And all the bad energy was mine. I have no idea, no way of knowing how she feels, what she thinks or not and it's none of my business. It takes work though until it becomes my way and I must be diligent.
Of course my daughter is much harder, but the same basic principles apply. It's my bad energy a wishin' and a hopin'.....It's my bad energy being hurt, it's my bad energy being mad....and maybe worst of all it's my bad energy constantly doing "what if"s what if this happens? what if that happens....? But since I have been practicing acceptance, talking it thru, asking myself what does it look like, what if I just accepted Halla for Halla? That right now our relationship is what it is? You know what happens? It is soooo totally cool!!! I relax inside, I feel happy, at peace. Of course I can't hang onto it for too long, so much has happened in my little pea brain. I see her post something on Face book, or not write to me, or like now, a month ago she sent me a quick msg she missed me and as gonna call me. Yeah that was a month ago. So I've been letting it go. Then yesterday my other daughter, who I have an amazing relationship with, told me Halla asked for my phone number (ok tiny resentment...why doesn't she know my number?...ok over it). So I was all happy she was going to call, kinda nervous...we haven't spoken since last August and had minimal chats on fb. I do want to have a relationship with her, when she wants one. But of course....no call. Well maybe tomorrow. But the truth is I need to concentrate on the people in my life who want to have a relationship with me. I love Drew's life with her fiance and her new daughter Danica. That makes Danica my soon to be granddaughter and I adore her. This morning on Skype she told me about riding her bike and about dance lessons and about Kindergarten. Now that chokes me up! And all in positive energy! I have another sister who I email back and forth with since she's in Florida. That's positive energy. Everardo has family who he talks to often and they want to be in our lives. My life is full. And yeah I'm pretty happy.
Most of the time.....this week we had a big argument that started over me getting mad at the dog or something and the fight was he thinks I fly off the handle in anger to quickly. I pointed out that at least now I get over it quick...years ago I could nurse a good grudge for a long time ha ha. Oh and this week I celebrated 13 years sobriety. That's truly the biggest thing in my life, because without the 12 steps of AA I wouldn't (probably) have the awareness to take a look at my anger, my fears, or to come to believe that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. So down here the birthday person has to supply the cake/goodies for the meeting, and since I had told my oreo story in the group here locally, I brought a big bowl of oreos. The funny thing was, the bowl was cover with aluminum foil and as I came in someone said- you better go home and get Oreos! Ha ha and I uncovered them! Skip ahead if you've heard this oreo story, but I share that anytime I start thinking I could have just one drink, I think of Oreos. Oreos are my favorite cookie, maybe my favorite food, or at least second behind peanut butter. But I have to buy them in the small packages that just have 6 or 8 cookies, and I always eat them all. (of course right) But today, if I were to buy a regular package of Oreo cookies, well maybe today I would just eat 3 or 4 cookies- or maybe 6 or 8 since that's how many are in the small packs. And maybe even tomorrow I would just eat a handfull. But for sure by tomorrow nite, I would be laying in bed thinking about those cookies. I might get up and eat another 6 or 8. Even if they give me a stomach ache because I've already had 6 or 8 and maybe I had some ice cream with them after dinner. By day 3, I will eat them all, no matter how many are left. Writing this, I am thinking about the cookies that are on the counter wrapped in tin foil from last nite because they didn't get finished off....and there one small package in the cupboard as well. As soon as I finish writing this I'll get the ones in the foil....I am powerless over Oreo cookies. And the more I eat, the more I crave them. We were out most of today and that's why they're not gone...So you see I can tell myself....I can't even control my Oreo cookie cravings, so how could I think I could have just one drink? (and by the way- I NEVER had just one...if there was really only one drink to be had- I went without.)
So the house is close to done, and feels really homey. Only touch ups are needed for paint, and all the pictures are up in every room. Today I bought some little pottery bumble bees that I'm gonna put up on the wall over our closet, and I want to buy something bright like a big sun or a painted plate for the kitchen. Drew and Rex and Danica saw the house on skype and saw how close we are to the beach and everybody wants to come. I need to skype with my sister in Florida so I can show her, too.
I got a couple of comments on my blog recently, and some about my posts about my spirituality. Someone said it was so honest, they couldn't do it. I tell you, writing is very therapeutic, very soothing, and sometimes helps me figure out how I really feel. So writing, watching dophins, AA, and amazing hubby, and 2 great doggys...yeah life is pretty good right now. Viva!
