Yep I don't have cancer. The word relief just does not cover my feelings right now. Yesterday around noon the dr called me. He asked if I had a minute to talk; if it was a good time. I tell you- in the split second before I answered that question a million scary thoughts rushed thru my pea brain. Oh if he's asking if I have a minute to talk then he must have details- bad details. Oh God I must have cancer. I can't believe it. I have to face the treatment again. What does this mean- that I have it again? Does this mean I'll get it again and again? These thoughts and more came to me in the tiny moment between the dr asking me if I had a minute to talk and my answer of "of course!" And then he said- "you're fine" You have no cancer. We think that when you healed in 2009 that some liquid was present and sat, then the scar tissue wrapped around it...it was a fibrous cyst. Nothing to worry about. I cried.
I didn't even realize how scared I had been. I had been going to more meetings, talking about fear. I was also talking about acceptance. As I hiked my magic trail I talked out loud to the universe about acceptance. I talked about the possibility of having cancer again. That I wouldn't die from it. I had been there before. Yeah the treatment sucks but I would survive it. I thought I was facinfg my fear and let it go. Maybe I was....a little. But maybe I was pushing it down. Because when the dr told me I was fine, I felt like something fell away from me; like I had this coating on me that fell off me. That my skin had been so tight, and I didn't notice until all of a sudden I could breathe again. That the air felt clear and fresh. Every color was suddenly so vibrant. So I guess I was more scared than I thought I was. I kept telling myself I've been working hard to take care of myself- exercising and eating right. I have really changed the way I eat, the things I eat. And the truth is I'm healthier than I've ever been. I got scared though, I suddenly felt like such a loser, like I was pretending somehow, and that it would all crumble around me. This is a scary concept- that I was getting depressed and not really acknowledging it. It shows me how much more work i have to do on myself. I want to live in acceptance, in faith in the universe. And to have less fear about the things I have no control over- and that's everything. Everything except my attitude. Wow- is it ALL lessons? So I'm feeling pretty good now.
My health insurance is not straightened out yet. And of course this health scare happened in the middle of that. But I will say I didn't let that make me crazy after the initial- really? All this at once?
But I knew, if I did have cancer I would simply stay with Kaiser thru treatment and pay the total premiums myself. Lucky for me I have the money to do it. It would suck ha ha- I'd have to go back to work sooner than I planned- I'm hoping to not have to get a part time job until the end of the year, but I will if I have to. Because we moved north, good old Cov Cal won't let me stay in Kaiser because there isn't a Kaiser facility in this county. And without them, the premium is more than $600 a month. That's NUTS! Yeah 6 years ago I had breast cancer, but now I go to the doctor once a year. With Cov Cal I only had to pay a little over $100 a month. Ok so now I know I have to give up Kaiser after being with them for more than 10 years, maybe more than 15 years. But now I have a new problem. Cov Ca wants to see proof of my income or else they will send me to Medical. I told them that I work part time, for cash, but they said that wasn't good enough. The thing is I will start working this year, and I don't believe it's right for me to take Medical. I am not low income, I am not trying to find work and struggling. Ha ha if I have to pay $6-700 a month for health insurance I will be struggling and looking for work. This is insane! So when I had income (renters) and worked for Cedros I qualified for Cov Ca. But I saved my $ so when we first came back I wouldn't have to work. So anyway I have to call them again tomorrow and see what I can do.
Oh I did look online for "cheap" health insurance in Feb, knowing I was going to have to make a change. Huge mistake! My phone rings 20 times a day with people trying to sell me insurance or recordings doing the same. Actually in the last week it's down to 3-4 calls a day. But I had signed up back on the first day to start a new company in April....but it was very confusing and although it wasn't supposed to start until April 1, the emails said Feb 26. The guy on the phone gave me mountains of info, but when I tried to go to the website I didn't have my new id card yet and needed info from it. Then I got an email that my address was wrong- I called them and fixed it, but the id card and info still didn't show up for almost a month. Then I googled it- shit I wish I had done that first. The were not BBB accredited (Better Business Bureau), they had tons of complaints lodged and investigations. So I cancelled. I haven't gotten my $290 back yet...application fee and first month...but I have received emails confirming my cancellation and that the $ is coming. Some of the reviews had said they couldn't get them to cancel Mine might have been easier since I did it during the "30 day free look"- which I actually thought was not going to start until April 1. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. I know I am NOT paying hundreds of $$ per month for health insurance. Hmmm. I'm thinking that there probably is cheaper insurance out there- yeah the copays will be higher, etc, but I'm afraid to ask for any web info again; they're finally slowing down on the sleazy calls. And yeah I knew the guy was sleazy when I signed up with the first place- but I was in a panic over it and rushed forward. If I can't work it out with Cov Cal I will research, I will move forward slowly. I've worked hard to be able to have this lifestyle and I'm not giving it up because of the screwed up (yes fucked up) laws surrounding health care right now. I mean I knew if we came back to the states it would be expensive, but we lead a pretty simple life.
OK so I still haven't downloaded from my phone my latest pics so nothing to post- yes I'm lazy. Oh wait I was thinking back up there where I was writing about food- lazy and frozen food. We live near a Raley's, well near lots of grocery stores and I keep being amazed by all the frozen food choices. Yeah we were only gone 3.5 years, but was it always like this? Like 3 or 4 aisles of frozen food? Every breakfast and dinner you can think of. In Mexico I swear the frozen food is pizza and ice cream. No frozen vegetables, or meals- meals by 10 different brand names. I'm glad I have kinda moved away from the whole frozen food thing- well except for Amy's organic enchiladas which i put over my steamed veges sometimes. Oh except for something about that as well! Amy's has 2 kinds of enchiladas; black bean vegetarian, and cheese. 160 calories and 240 respectively. I just happened to look more closely a couple of weeks ago....AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Those calories are per serving- and get this! Servings per container: 2!!!!!!! So pissed off!! That's the way they can make it look like low calorie! 2 servings my ass!! Yes there are 2 enchiladas to a package, 2 skinny, small enchiladas, the box is even small. How could it possibly be 2 servings? Maybe for a child, a small child, like a 6 year old and as long as they had a plate full of vegetables and maybe a baked potato as well, and dessert! So I was recording my calories wrong. This means the cheese enchilada is just off my menu. And the black bean vegetarian, just once in a while for a change. Because Everardo makes beans all the time and a half a cup of beans is 110 calories and fills me up quite nicely.
Honestly, in the past 2 weeks I have been binge eating. Fear eating. Ice cream, american cheese, all kinds of crap. Today I was much better. Tomorrow I plan to get back to exercising and be true to my food plan. My stitches are the dissolving kind and tape strips over them came off today.I just looked though, and one end is still not completely closed. So I guess I'll decided about hiking when I wake up. For sure no zumba the rest of this week. Maybe hiking, but I'm paranoid about it opening up. Ok it's a very short incision, maybe 4 or 5 stitches, but like i said, I have fear around the damn thing.
Ok here's a photo of Sam having an awesome day:
The rock next to my foot- Sam went under water to find it and bring it to the side- ha ha. He is one happy boy.
Ok now for Everardo's idea of a great day:
He goes fishing alot, and the lake is so close- about 15 minutes away. He catches trout, bass, and croppie I think. They all taste good but I pass on the trout because all the tiny bones make it not worth the struggle to eat it! The tulips- well they were planted before we got here (of course- they're bulbs), but they are so pretty- and now we have red, pink and yellow. Everardo is planting like crazy, vegetables are going in and he planted an apple, an apricot and a peach tree in the backyard.
Ok and now what had made me happy:
Painting the inside of the house, making it homey. This is dining area of the kitchen...across from this wall is the table and a big window looking out to the front yard. We're at the end of a court, and kind of on the curve so our front porch is not visible to the street until you're right in front of the house, and being a court, it's a quiet street...loving it. The neighbor on the left is blocked by the garage, and on the right, they have a huge bush so we don't look at each other's porches. The front yard is the sunny side of the house and we have a bench on the porch and a nice tree- oh I guess I gotta take pics of that, right? Ok.....viva!
I didn't even realize how scared I had been. I had been going to more meetings, talking about fear. I was also talking about acceptance. As I hiked my magic trail I talked out loud to the universe about acceptance. I talked about the possibility of having cancer again. That I wouldn't die from it. I had been there before. Yeah the treatment sucks but I would survive it. I thought I was facinfg my fear and let it go. Maybe I was....a little. But maybe I was pushing it down. Because when the dr told me I was fine, I felt like something fell away from me; like I had this coating on me that fell off me. That my skin had been so tight, and I didn't notice until all of a sudden I could breathe again. That the air felt clear and fresh. Every color was suddenly so vibrant. So I guess I was more scared than I thought I was. I kept telling myself I've been working hard to take care of myself- exercising and eating right. I have really changed the way I eat, the things I eat. And the truth is I'm healthier than I've ever been. I got scared though, I suddenly felt like such a loser, like I was pretending somehow, and that it would all crumble around me. This is a scary concept- that I was getting depressed and not really acknowledging it. It shows me how much more work i have to do on myself. I want to live in acceptance, in faith in the universe. And to have less fear about the things I have no control over- and that's everything. Everything except my attitude. Wow- is it ALL lessons? So I'm feeling pretty good now.
My health insurance is not straightened out yet. And of course this health scare happened in the middle of that. But I will say I didn't let that make me crazy after the initial- really? All this at once?
But I knew, if I did have cancer I would simply stay with Kaiser thru treatment and pay the total premiums myself. Lucky for me I have the money to do it. It would suck ha ha- I'd have to go back to work sooner than I planned- I'm hoping to not have to get a part time job until the end of the year, but I will if I have to. Because we moved north, good old Cov Cal won't let me stay in Kaiser because there isn't a Kaiser facility in this county. And without them, the premium is more than $600 a month. That's NUTS! Yeah 6 years ago I had breast cancer, but now I go to the doctor once a year. With Cov Cal I only had to pay a little over $100 a month. Ok so now I know I have to give up Kaiser after being with them for more than 10 years, maybe more than 15 years. But now I have a new problem. Cov Ca wants to see proof of my income or else they will send me to Medical. I told them that I work part time, for cash, but they said that wasn't good enough. The thing is I will start working this year, and I don't believe it's right for me to take Medical. I am not low income, I am not trying to find work and struggling. Ha ha if I have to pay $6-700 a month for health insurance I will be struggling and looking for work. This is insane! So when I had income (renters) and worked for Cedros I qualified for Cov Ca. But I saved my $ so when we first came back I wouldn't have to work. So anyway I have to call them again tomorrow and see what I can do.
Oh I did look online for "cheap" health insurance in Feb, knowing I was going to have to make a change. Huge mistake! My phone rings 20 times a day with people trying to sell me insurance or recordings doing the same. Actually in the last week it's down to 3-4 calls a day. But I had signed up back on the first day to start a new company in April....but it was very confusing and although it wasn't supposed to start until April 1, the emails said Feb 26. The guy on the phone gave me mountains of info, but when I tried to go to the website I didn't have my new id card yet and needed info from it. Then I got an email that my address was wrong- I called them and fixed it, but the id card and info still didn't show up for almost a month. Then I googled it- shit I wish I had done that first. The were not BBB accredited (Better Business Bureau), they had tons of complaints lodged and investigations. So I cancelled. I haven't gotten my $290 back yet...application fee and first month...but I have received emails confirming my cancellation and that the $ is coming. Some of the reviews had said they couldn't get them to cancel Mine might have been easier since I did it during the "30 day free look"- which I actually thought was not going to start until April 1. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. I know I am NOT paying hundreds of $$ per month for health insurance. Hmmm. I'm thinking that there probably is cheaper insurance out there- yeah the copays will be higher, etc, but I'm afraid to ask for any web info again; they're finally slowing down on the sleazy calls. And yeah I knew the guy was sleazy when I signed up with the first place- but I was in a panic over it and rushed forward. If I can't work it out with Cov Cal I will research, I will move forward slowly. I've worked hard to be able to have this lifestyle and I'm not giving it up because of the screwed up (yes fucked up) laws surrounding health care right now. I mean I knew if we came back to the states it would be expensive, but we lead a pretty simple life.
OK so I still haven't downloaded from my phone my latest pics so nothing to post- yes I'm lazy. Oh wait I was thinking back up there where I was writing about food- lazy and frozen food. We live near a Raley's, well near lots of grocery stores and I keep being amazed by all the frozen food choices. Yeah we were only gone 3.5 years, but was it always like this? Like 3 or 4 aisles of frozen food? Every breakfast and dinner you can think of. In Mexico I swear the frozen food is pizza and ice cream. No frozen vegetables, or meals- meals by 10 different brand names. I'm glad I have kinda moved away from the whole frozen food thing- well except for Amy's organic enchiladas which i put over my steamed veges sometimes. Oh except for something about that as well! Amy's has 2 kinds of enchiladas; black bean vegetarian, and cheese. 160 calories and 240 respectively. I just happened to look more closely a couple of weeks ago....AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Those calories are per serving- and get this! Servings per container: 2!!!!!!! So pissed off!! That's the way they can make it look like low calorie! 2 servings my ass!! Yes there are 2 enchiladas to a package, 2 skinny, small enchiladas, the box is even small. How could it possibly be 2 servings? Maybe for a child, a small child, like a 6 year old and as long as they had a plate full of vegetables and maybe a baked potato as well, and dessert! So I was recording my calories wrong. This means the cheese enchilada is just off my menu. And the black bean vegetarian, just once in a while for a change. Because Everardo makes beans all the time and a half a cup of beans is 110 calories and fills me up quite nicely.
Honestly, in the past 2 weeks I have been binge eating. Fear eating. Ice cream, american cheese, all kinds of crap. Today I was much better. Tomorrow I plan to get back to exercising and be true to my food plan. My stitches are the dissolving kind and tape strips over them came off today.I just looked though, and one end is still not completely closed. So I guess I'll decided about hiking when I wake up. For sure no zumba the rest of this week. Maybe hiking, but I'm paranoid about it opening up. Ok it's a very short incision, maybe 4 or 5 stitches, but like i said, I have fear around the damn thing.
Ok here's a photo of Sam having an awesome day:
Ok now for Everardo's idea of a great day:
Ok and now what had made me happy:
