First days in the new place

What a perfect morning this morning! We moved in Wednesday as planned and now it's Saturday evening. This morning I got up and took my coffee about 20 feet away to the edge of the path to the beach. Nice right? It's a short path, slightly sloping downwards, thru some what I think is iceplant, and then you are on the beach. Sam and Hazel ran down the path and Sam went straight for the water. They would run back up to me, and then off again in another direction. I just sipped my coffee and watched them and the waves. Then a huge cruise ship came into view from the south. Luckily I had my dad's telescope with me; just a small one, but works great. I looked thru it and could see the big ship perfectly...a floating apartment house ha ha! But at that end of the bay, on the south side, are the tuna rings, and always at least one big boat (ship?) hanging around, lots of times there are several. The ship past behind the big tuna rings, and then behind the big fishing vessel that was out there. I did notice that after the cruise ship passed it, the fishing boat turned so that it was facing the wake that had to be coming to it. I had been thinking about that wake as I watched the cruise ship come up behind it, so the fishing boat turning made perfect sense to me.

The tide was in and the waves were pretty good. Not huge or tall by any means, but would have been fun to be body surfing in, diving into as they hit, etc- oh yeah except like northern California where we come from, the water is frigid cold this time of year. So I just sat back and enjoyed the scene. Bathrobe and pajamas, coffee in hand, warm sun- it was about 8:30, and my silly doggys running up and down the beach. Had a nice talk with the universe, expressed my gratitude about my life, our life, and this nice turn of events...meaning this new place.

Our first morning was Thursday morning and it went alot like this morning. I took my coffee outside, sat at the head of the path and watched the ocean. The tide was going that morning, the sky was blue, it was warm and I felt great. What a relief because I woke up Wednesday morning with one of my lovely (fucking) migraines. I had panic attacks during the nite, so when I opened my eyes to blinding pain in the morning I was not surprised. But we thought the telephone guy was coming between 8-4, and I thought with my luck he'll come at 8am & I'll miss him (it was my job to be out here for him while Everardo finished packing the trailer. So I took what I could, including Sam & Hazel and came down here. I took an otc (over the counter) migraine pill when I first woke up but it did nothing. I started putting things away but felt awful. Everardo showed up a little while later, took one look at me and said get in the truck- we're going to the doctor to get you a shot. I didn't want to because after the shot I sleep for hours, but I gave in after about 3 seconds ha ha! The doctor in Maneadero was not in yet, so we went to 3 other pharmacies but no doctor yet. So Everardo said ok lets go up to Ensenada, and off we went. They have these pharmacies called Similaries and they have a doctor for consult connected to them That's the type we tried to go to in Maneadero as well. He stopped at one just inside Ensenada, no doctor but the woman working in there said she could give shots. OK! At this point I was actually crying, thought I was going to puke, but I didn't....ha ha the pain from that will kill you!
Then she gave me a pill from "her personal stash" because they didn't have any in the store- this was after asking and finidng out I had the panic attacks. She said it would help me calm down and I should go right home to bed. Well that was already the plan. She broke the pill into 4 pieces and told me to take one piece now and if when I woke up that nite I started having a panic attack to take another piece and save the other 2 for next time..."because there would be a next time"...She had already given me the shot...I an now the shot queen....Mexico is shot capital of the world I think... or maybe it's just the US who charges the most and gives the least when it comes to health care.....so I took the tiny  piece, we went home and I slept for about 8 hours. Got up, ate a little, googled the pill, went back to bed and woke up on Thursday feeling great!

Ok I just spent 5 minutes trying to find the name of the pill she gave me, but I can't remember what it is....it ended in a "pan" Anyway I did know the name the other day, and it said it was for treating anxiety. It also said it needed to be used only short term, like 2-3 weeks because it can be come addictive- ha ha for me addictive!! Just what I need. I always look up any drug I'm given here, and now I wonder why I didn't do that in the US! I looked back at my posts to find the info I had collected about my migraines last time, and it seemed they came 3-4 months apart. Well in 2013 anyway... I had them May, August and Nov. Because of this blog I had written it down in 2012, but only once since I started the blog in April or May and I had a migraine in the summer. Anyway what I found out then was they were always (ALWAYS) preceded by a panic attack. I always thought I had just one or two migraines a year, and maybe that was true and it just increased over time, or maybe increased do to a new stress level of living in another country- maybe an unconscious stress that showed itself in the attack+migraine. I mean I do remember sometimes wearing my sunglasses in the house when I had a bad headache, but that memory is when I was still drinking...so I don't know...I didn't have them as a kid or anything.

So- no more negative migraine conversation because I'm feeling so good about this place. I wasn't crazy about it at first, a small mobile home, pretty beat up on the outside, well and a little beat up on the inside as well. But area rugs hide, a shelve or a picture, it's all coming together. There are still bins all over the place; this is the smallest place we've been, but it might be the best...it's...cozy..feels warm. All the blue is, well alot of blue, but my wonderful hubby has painted 3 different shelves/bookcases and about to paint a wall, purple for me. This is definitely the smallest place I've ever lived in, that includes apartments and condos, but it's ok. 2 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms both with showers, a tiny kitchen, an eating area and a living room that has a couch, a love seat and then 2 chairs at the mouth, so it's all we need. And my private joke- oh boy I can see the kitchen (well the corner of it) from my bed if I lean way over. Lile that one house I rented for 6 months when I first got divorced in 2006...it had a huge living room and bedrooms behind it, but the "master" and I put quotes cause only my bed & dresser fit was off the kitchen. I could see the fridge! For a food love like me, well it was just funny. But it was a big square kitchen so I put my elliptical in it to balance things out a little.

Back to this place....I love NOT having to go downstairs to make coffee when I wake up, or to let the dogs out! The kitchen is right thru the wall the couch I'm sitting on is against, and I can hear Poppi making us some dinner...yippee...he's like a camel, he can go all day and not eat or drink (well he does like a coke), and me, I want to snack all day, (and then complain about being chubby, go to zumba)...Oh wait- I LOVE zumba! My first experience with zumba was when I went to that boot camp in Utah after finishing chemo/radiation. I had felt like I was broken, that I would never be strong again, so I went. In a weird way, it saved me. Now it was hugely expensive, but for me, at the time, it was the way. I think I had a broken spirit to go along with my broken body. Anyway- I fell in love with zumba! When I got back, after a few months I met Everardo and he went to the gym faithfully and talked me into a membership- I got it thru some promotion at Costco- but oh boy- they had zumba.
I went all last week, and it killed me after not going for months. Then this week, we were moving, I had a migraine, I jus didn't even go once. But come Monday- I will be there with bells on! And it will help with my Spanish too!

Well, the telephone guy never did come on Wed, but he came first thing Thurs, and late in the afternoon the Dish guys called and they came too. Yeah- Everardo's plan to move it down here, put it up and then move it around with me looking at the tv...yeah didn't work ha ha. On Thursday we also went back to the pink house and made sure we got everything, Then Irka, the bitch who rented us the place sends me an email Thurs nite to say "I assume you are vacating tomorrow. Please drop off the key, under my mat if I am not at home." No thank you, no pleasure doing business, no nada. So I replied "ok" and that was it. Easy for her- she kept $100 for cleaning! After I told her it was not clean when we moved in. After I had asked her to do a walk thru with me, she said oh you do it, and then I sent her a list and asked again for a walk thru. And she did not even ask the devil for refund of the "access fees" we paid, and she took another $50 from us to refund her! Bitch! Ok well lesson learned-
Happy to be away from her! I almost hope she calls me for the electric bill when it comes in the middle of Feb..they are 2 months here. Then I can laugh in her face. She lives down to her reputation all right!

So we are here, the dogs are very happy, and so are we. I think that's all for now cause dinner is ready! Viva!

Tryng to move, a cold...and acceptance

So the cold hit me again on Saturday, really bad yesterday and backing off today. I took some kind of decongestant like Alka Seltzer Plus and that stuff knocks me on my ass ha ha! Anyway it's like each type of the germ flies by me, pauses, then dive bombs me. I think it's like when you kid first starts school and brings home every cold every kid has- she gets sick once and you get it over and over!

However we are not letting my little colds stop our forward motion. We get to start staying at the new place Wednesday... 2 more days! That gives us a couple of days to clean...just a little...and be sure we got everything. The people coming Friday to look at the house found another place so Irka wrote to cancel- fine by me. I don't even want to see her to give the keys back- hey she has a key- I could leave them on the counter...or maybe give them to maintenance Mike, oh I'll probly give them to her.

We went and got the carpet for the bedroom, and it almost fits perfect. Ha ha funny how things are almost perfect. I don't think anything/anybody is perfect. Even if we can't see it, that little imperfection is there. I have been working on that lately, trying to live in the now, and not look for something better as soon as I get what I want (or thought I wanted until I see the next thing ha ha). I even do it with tv- I choose a channel, and then look at other channels just in case there's something better. We decided on this mobile home, and now I see houses for rent all over Ensenada. We decided for the right reason we didn't want to live in Ensenada...I need to remind myself of that. Just like when I was drinking, if one is good, then 10 must be better. I never had just one. Drugs the same thing- even while I was just sick. Not this past week, but over Chrstmas and New Years, I took something that made me have bad dreams, but the next nite I took it again...but maybe I'm learning a little, nite 3 I realized I was crazy and stopped. Ok maybe I learned nothing- I've always known that any drug that makes you sleepy or any kind of "downer" has always gave me bad dreams and weird feelings, and pain meds make me itchy. Hmm started this paragraph with something almost perfect. Yeah that would not be me.

But I'm ok not being perfect, and I'm getting better at it all the time. Do people really figure this stuff out on their own, when they are young????? I'm 50....something, and I like me better than I ever have. Acceptance has been a hard one for me. I mean I'm great at accepting you, I'm good at accepting things, and even reality sometimes, but I suck at my own acceptance. I mean like I still have regrets about the past, and I still think I made so many mistakes as a mother. I'm an alcoholic in AA and we learn to make amends and to forgive ourselves as well. Most of it I'm good with, I mean what an ego to keep harping on past mistakes, as if I could change them. The only thing I can do is be an active member of AA and maybe share things that help other women. I love when I see young women come in; they don't have to make all the mistakes I did. I always gravitate towards them in hopes of being of some service to them. The mom stuff- yeah I know- I did the best I could for who I was. That is exactly how I looked at my relationship with my own mom, but for me I felt like I was letting myself off the hook- that I wasn't doing my best because I was an alcoholic...but still...still the truth is I was doing the best I could. And I have amazing evidence of that! I have 2 amazing beautiful smart strong caring daughters to show me I was not that bad! No mostly I think I hurt myself...and even sober I still had trouble finding peace, happiness inside me instead of outside me. Old habits die hard eh?

But the more I watch people the more I see that perfect is really the imperfection of life. The "perfect families" are not perfect, I just can't see the imperfection. I saw this guy hugging his little boy today outside Telnor and that was perfect. I saw this little old man- had to a hundred years old- walking arm and arm with this little equally old woman, and when they got to the steps of the building, he turned and helped her to grab onto the rail, and they went in. I think I cried at how beautiful they were. There's this guy at the meeting we go to in Ensenada, he's probly in his early 70's, he's a funny guy and very nice. He shared the other day that he felt confused- that he couldn't figure out how to be happy (hmm sounds familiar) and so about a year ago he went to couseling (therapy). He says he feels happy today, that the doctor helped him to look at things, at himself in a different way. He said he told the doctor at first he wanted to talk about all his problems, and the doctor told him he didn't even understand his problems. That he wanted to talk about him. Who he was. This was very cool, to hear this old guy tell us he asked for help to find his way. I like that. I respect that. You gotta stay open to new ideas, new ways to look at things...self examination for an over 70 guy....that's perfection. So I guess perfection is beauty, love, acceptance, hope..and by beauty I of course mean the beauty in peoples actions, how they treat each other, and themselves.

One thing I am forced to keep learning here is patience ha ha!! Things move slowly here, customer service does not exist, but if it's your turn there will be conversation, no matter how many are waiting ha ha. But this is definitely the place of wait, or hurry up and wait. People use pay phones here. Aren't they almost non existent in the US? I see people use them here all the time. People have old boxy tvs, and many cell phones seem soooo old and big. There's another guy at the Ensenada meeting who just moved here from the US and rented in Ensenada. He doesn't have hot water, and now he's in week 3 of no hot water...but he's pretty busy going back and forth with Telnor because his phone service is messed up too ha ha. The land of no expectations. But I think slowing down agrees with me. Will I be different when we go back? Or will I fall right back into expecting everything right this second...and perfect?? Ah back to perfect again...so maybe I should look at what I was talking about when I started this....

Oh yeah moving. Well Telnor is supposed to come on Wednesday and Everardo is going to try to move and set up the dish himself. Hmmmm well ok. Because the internet comes with the phone and that's what I care about more. And if he can't set it right, he says he'll wave down a dish guy and give him 50 pesos to do it for us. I do love that. Either a bundle of paper needing signatures or a guy you flag down on the side of the road. So we got a box spring and little wood legs/feet to screw into the bottom for our bed since we only had a mattress. The new place had twin beds and at first we thought we'd push them together and use those box springs but it was waaaaay too wide, so we talked about a king mattress (we have queen) but the room is pretty small so we got the box spring today and set up the twins in the spare room- which of course took up the entire room. Where will my elliptical go? Yeah I don't use it much, but I like to know I can if I want to. I'll figure it out. Oh and the most important! Painting the shelves a light purple! They look freaking great! And there's one white wall between the eating area (dining room it is not-too small), and the kitchen is also going to be purple- it's like a half wall, width I mean it's not short. So a long 2 shelf thing in the living room, and a tall bookshelf against the back wall, then another 2 shelver for the bedroom. We also found a dresser, but it was painted black so I chose a shade of orange...but it looks kinda yucky...so purple it is! It's cozy, it looks cozy and Everardo really likes it. I do too, and I think it's gonna be good. I'm already thinkin' coffee on the beach, that was my favorite thing in Playa Ventura. I think the dogs will love it.

So I guess I'm all caught up. I was thinking of so many things I wanted to write...oh like about the slower pace and less expectations....I was thinking about school shootings....I googled it and found only 2 in Mexico's history, and one was in front shooting at adults, and the other kind of seemed along the same lines but I wasn't sure since I just skimmed the article. I think less expectations has alot to do with it. People not only have expectations, they feel pressured by what is expected of them. And many times we place our own pressure own ourselves, unreasonable expectations- we do it to ourselves. But I think here, where you don't expect to get everything right this second and it has to be the best, right this second. I think with less pressure from other and ourselves, that maybe people don't get to that unbearable place. Yes Mexico is as dangerous as anywhere else. But to me, the danger is among dangerous people...not the kid who flunked at school. Mostly here you can stay away from bad things- for the most part-I don't mean to over simplify- but I just think there's something to be said for a slower pace in life. Not expecting too much, too much manufactured perfection.

Ok well that's about it for me...I think I'll add this totally cool prayer I actually saw on facebook but have taken for myself...I'm trying to say it every day, and especially the part that is to oneself, if giving me a sense of peace.  I like it so I'll share it here: (and viva!)