Ok so very boring- still sick, but much much better than any other day this week. Went to see a new doctor yesterday and liked him very much. He's my new doctor. For one thing ha ha he doesn't smoke. They have this chain of pharmacies in Mexico called Similares and some of them have these doctor consultants next door. It's about 30pesos to talk to them (less than $3US). Anyway he reminded me of the doctor I saw in Guerrero, caring. I showed him what the other doctor gave me, and he said well it could be prescribed with another drug, but he wouldn't choose it. So yipee that I never went back for more. But I was also not getting any better, which prompted Everardo to say this is crazy, get up we're going to a different dr. Anyway he checked me out and gave me a different antibiotic that seems to be working, the cough has lessesned greatly, my chest doesn't hurt, and most of yipee again- he gave me a sleeping pill so I actually slept more than 2 hours in a row which is what's been going on since last Saturday. Sleep deprivation is a true torture. I have been in a daze, and starting to get depressed. I had the same problem during chemo; I would stare at the ceiling all nite and was getting really depressed and having scary thoughts. I finally told the drs who said-why didn;t you say so and gave me something for sleep, however it didn't really work very well. So I hav no great expectaions for these pills, but that's ok, just sleeping about 3 hours yesterday afternoon and then almost all nite has given me a new lease on life! Did I say yipee? ok enough sick talk!!

I sent an email to the Spanish teacher and said if the MWF class isn;t coming together next week then I'm happy to join the T-Th class- I just want to get moving on this. I feel like I am almost understanding when casual conversations are going on around me, and I want it! I want it! I want it! Who knows where this will lead as I am able to communicate with more people. And maybe with AA I can go with Anna out to the rehabs and the women's jail to bring meeting in Spanish. So I am feeling very optimistic about this, another sign that I'm feeling better ha ha. I might even go sit outside for awhile today and read. I've felt so crappy I couldn;t even read.

And it's been cold. But I just looked at the 10 day forecast and it says next week we will be back in the 70's and moving higher each day. again- yipee. I can't believe it's almost March! The time is flying by here. But man I need the warmth. This is/was supposedly an un naturally cold winter for this area, but if it happens next year maybe we'll go spend a couple of months in Playa Ventura, or try somewhere new like Baja- keep paying rent here, but go somewhere warm, even for a few weeks. There seems to be more people coming down here, the streets are busier and I think the vemdors at the malecon are starting to get busier. Everardo is trying to figure out where he can fit in down there to make some bucks. I am also hoping that a construction job comes thru for him, although that's still problt at least a month away. But it is coming. I'm glad for this area that some construction is coming- there are so many Mexicans out of work.

I guess on the resort side things are coming up, like the Tequila Fest, a golf tournament, car racing, and I'm sure that must be good for all the Mexican vendors too so bring it on.

What else will the good weather bring? Scorpions? I heard a guy who got bit the other day and I was surprised but told it's cause it's too cold right now, but they a comin'. That's ok I always wear my slippers in the house when it starts getting dark- learned it in Playa Ventura ha ha. Down there once I saw a tarantula fighting a chicken (yeah I know I told this before), and on my own patio I saw a puppy fighting a scorpion- that scorpion was waving his tail like mad and the puppy was barking- then Poppi squished it. So we'll see what the warm desert weather brings. This is a completely different environment, the desert...and I really haven't explored too much yet. But I will....

STILL SICK! But I still went to the community center today for English class. As it turned out only one student was there and he was helping in the garden and said tomorrow would be better. That was ok with me. I st with Karen, the director for a little while and chatted- me in a whisper cause when I whisper I don't cough ha ha. Then I went home- but oh before I went, Eidad, the Mexican lady who also speaks English and basically coordinates everything out there, wrote down a pill she said I needed to take. Ha ha more pills. But I was more inclined to listen to her, a mom, so when I got home Everardo went and got me some- after I googled it of course! I have been taking so many meds in the last few days- it feels like anyway. She said it would dry up the crap in my throat, that I would stop coughing. So I googled it and it said it would dry me up, that it lets the celia- or something not be swollen, blah blah blah but it was good blah and no scary side effects...and of course is available everywhere except the US ha ha. hmmm maybe they haven't figured out how to make it cheap and sell it super expensively. It's called Ambroxol.Check it out. I took one about 5 hours ago, and do feel somewhat better, but ha ha been saying that every day. However, one gift was, I started feeling a little sleepy, and took a small nap! Yippe cause I have not been able to get to sleep before about 3am and then wake up around 8am- that's not good for me. So between that and some good ole' Vicks 44 cough syrup I'm ok.

I was chatting with my older daughter Drewy last nite on FB and we talked forever about all her plans to get married. We have so many of the same ideas! And I'm so happy that her sister is gonna be her maid of honor, and her cousin will be one of the bridesmaids. She has so many ideas. And maybe we will attend with out newest family memeber, Elena, Everardo's daughter. Now that would be cool. Then this morning I chatted with Halla, daughter #2 and we also had a great talk. She is also full of new plans- she wants to save her money for a year and then go on a year trip with her friend, with WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity for Organic Farming), I believe it's in 3rd world countries, and you stay on these farms and work for room and board. I think the experience will be amazing and I hope she does it. She just got a new job in a nice resturant and is very excited and happy. She's in her second year of college, so I guess she'll take off a year, then hopefully come back and finish- or maybe she'll finish year 3 since school is out in a few months right? Yeah that must be it. I am so proud of my children. Thank god neither of them are alcoholics like me! I mean, for me it turned out to be a good thing, cause my life is so good today, and I don't know if I would figured it out this well otherwise, really who knows? But I had to fuck up my life for alot of years before I got it and my 20's are lost in am alcoholic cocaine blur.

Yesterday I celebrated 12 years of sobriety. Yipee. Although by the end of my 20's I was not doing drugs, and then I had Drewy, then Halla 8 years later, what a waste my 20's were. Party only. Abusive relationship, ignored my family...not good. But, if I hadn't gone that route Drewy wouldn't be the perfect Drew she is today, she saved my life just by being born. I walked away from drugs and abusive relationships, and my life immediately changed. I got promoted at work within 6 months, and a few more months I became a boss. I saved my money and bought a house by myself when I was 32, 1600 sq feet for just me and my Drewy who was 4 ha ha. 3 bedrooms, a huge backyard, but ever so slowly my drinking increased. I drank for 12 more years. I am so grateful though, that I guess I was a functioning alcoholic, mostly I hurt only me. Now I know that's crap, cause you hurt everyone around you and my ex husband got that gift! But I was around for my kids, sometimes albeit in body more than mind, but I spent alot of time regretting how bad a mother I was, but now I see that's not totally true. We had birthday parties and camping trips, fun Christmas, Easter egg hunts, school recitals, ha ha Drewy in ballet, then soccer, her teacher's desk in the garage, we partied with the neighbors, had bbq'a and inflated pools both kids and adults played in. When Halla was born I had this rocking chair that Drewy has in her house now, and I rocked her to sleep every nite in it. Ha ha a good idea for the first year, but then getting her to just go to sleep on her own...man impossible, having to lay down with her ha ha. With Drewy my mom said you just wrap 'em up tight and put her in the crib, let her cry it out for a few days and she'll learn to comfort herself. I did that, and it worked, but I sat on the floor outside her door and cried every nite for the week it took. And that was as a tiny baby (her- not me). Now the good thing was she always went to bed so good, we could make noise, didn't matter, but I think there's a middle ground, and the Halla way was maybe better. And when it was just me and Drewy, I let her climb in and sleep with me, alot ha ha. I would carry her back to bed in the middle of the nite. And no matter where we lived, and she & I lived in Novato, Ignacio, Anaheim, San Rafael, then American Canyon, she would get up after I put her bed and sneak down the hall so she was near me, and when I'd get up to go to the bathroom I find her in a sleepy heap....Yeah we lived 5 places in her first 5 years, so when we hit American Canyon I promised we'd stay until she finished high school- we didn't though, we stayed 7 years, and at the end of 6th grade a deare friend gave us an amazing gift and we moved to Petaluma. That was good since at the time there was no middle school out there and her only choice was a bus into Napa or a bus into Vallejo (not a great place at the time). We lived in Petaluma for the last 15 years, until I moved to Mexico, and I still have a house there. Her Dad and sister still live there, and she's moved a town away, but at least she has roots now. And family. My sister lives near also and they have 4 kids. We are all close.

Anyway I was watching Criminal Minds the other nite, and the killer was this crazy guy who had this condition that crossed some of his senses, and he could "see" people's words and they were in color, like white was honesty, orange were liars, red bad people, and he killed accordingly. It reminded me of a time when I was completely smashed and I was telling people they were colors and altho I don;t remember much more than that, the following Monday everybody told m eit was weird cause it was all spot on! More people kept saying- do me do me and so I would tell them about themselves ha ha! It was a work party my best boss ever (Dominic) had me and a couple of others set up for after work across the highway at this Mexican restaurant, just because, because everybody worked hard, and we were customer service so we always dealt with all the shit from customers, and fixed all the problems and really got no recognition...so my boss was very cool and had an all you can eat....and DRINK party for us. Well while we were setting up I do remember I had 10 mudslide shots. 10! Then I started drinking beer along wit them. I have faint recollection of sitting one one of the tables telling somebody about what color they were. Not sure I ever ate anything, it usually got in the way of my drinking- and this was no kids to be responsible for so I could go for it. Well luckily my keys were taken from me, since I lived 45 minutes on the highway away, and a guy gave me a ride. Apparently he rolled down the window in time and pushed my head thru it so I only barfed on the outside of his truck. When he got me home, he called my husband on the phone to come out and opened the truck door and I fell out onto the lawn. Very attractive. NOT It was Friday and the next day I was humiliated, mortified, and sur I was fired, so I went into work to get all my personal stuff out of my office so that Monday when I was fired it would be easy to leave. To my surprise and dismay, my boss was at work!! I tried to apologize and said I was willing to resign to avoid being fired. When he stopped laughing he said- you don't have to quit. I own you now! You are so filled with guilt I can trust you with anything. You are no my biggest asset! He was the most amazing boss. I'd like to stay I quit drinking after that, but it was still a couple of more years...

Oooh when I go visit up there I hope the rocking chair is in my bedroom at my daughters. That boss later moved back to NY and we stay in touch. Wow anything about Mexico today? Hmmm the weather sucks! It's cold as hell and I guess records are being set with it snowing in Phoenix. It better start getting warm soon, cause I don't want my hubby to have to paint yet another house! ha ha that's a joke insinuating another move, still north like this but warmer....maybe Baja??? Luckily he doesn't read this!!

OK I'm still sick, but so much better than even yesterday. Sat, Sun & Mon are all sort of a hazy dream. Yesterday I went to the doctor and that was weird, too. In Guerrero I really liked the doctor I saw, only saw him twice, but I felt safe, never questioned anything he said or gave me. This guy, not so much. Maybe I was impressed in Guerrero but the humbleness of this doctor, his father was a doctor, too, and whenever we went to Copala, the next town from us, where he practiced, we would see them sitting on the porch of their place. Like most people, their business was the front part of their house. They were both so...calm, and caring. This guy yesterday just seemed very full of himself, arrogant...ha ha maybe like md's in the states? No- that's an unfair statement. I love my oncologist, and I had a doctor for many many years, Dr Cooper who I loved. You know, his name was J. Wayne Cooper and the J. was for John! His wife was his nurse and I loved them both. He retired a few years back, right around the time I changed to Kaiser. My oncologist is Kaiser and I like him. I've never had a doctor for too long since I've had Kaiser, maybe cause I don't go to the doctor too much, except when I got diagnosed with breats cancer in 2009. Ha ha that poor oncolgist..funny I can't remember his name right now..wait- Dr Maloney...

Poor guy- I had to have a lumpectomy and then it was analyzed (I guess that's the word), and sent to him. He started talking about the cancer, what it meant and that I needed to have chemo and radiation. He started to go on and I said WAIT. I need to ask YOU some questions. Haha he was surprised but said go ahead. I asked him how old he was..I didn;t want Doogie Howser deciding my fate. I asked him where he went to medical school, and I asked him- most important to me- why did you choose oncology? Were all the cool things gone and you got stuck with it? Why? He got pretty passionate then and told me he was always interested in oncology and (something else don't remember), and he always wanted to do this. That's what I was waiting to hear. I said "ok you may proceed". A few days later I apologized, told him when I get scared, I go on the offensive and look for info. He laughed and said it was fine. Oh and I also asked him, if it was your wife? And he said he would prescribe the exact same thing. So ok, the start of a beautiful doctor patient relationship ha ha.

Ok so yesterday, the doctor was engaging, funny, he spoke 14 languages he told me. He listened to my breathing, my chest; I was wheezing, and I agreed with him I had fluid in there- ok enter secret fear of my dad going to the doctor with maybe pneumonia and it being lung cancer with lungs full of fluid, and he gave me a weird shot that he said would clear my congestion- which it did. I stopped wheezing and my chest feels clear. But every time I cough it's like chards of glass in my throat. Anyway he said as he gave me the shot, it takes 25 seconds to interact, then you will feel prickly in your head and your genital area. Wow it was true! I said how long and he said 10 seconds and you can scratch! I crossed my legs and counted backwards from 10 and it stopped. Both Poppi and the dr agreed my color came back in just a few minutes. And my lungs are clear. But there was still something about him. Anyway so I asked him to write down the drugs I took. Oh he also gave Everardo a shot in his shoulder for the pain he's had since we moved up here. He's had it before and gets some kind of a B12, and steroid shot..dono duberion or something like that. I had a shot in my hip 2 years ago when I was here and it totally fixed me up.

He also gave me the shot in the butt and the 7 days of antibiotics I got both times in Guerrero- once for food poisoning (the water actually) and once for the bacteria I also got from the water- this coming down from the hills. Anyway I think maybe it's why I got the first shot, cause I looked it up when I got home. It said it was a very strong drug for killing batcteria that other drugs wouldn't kill. It also said it was NOT for colds or flu. I mean it actually said that! That was on the Mayo Clinic website so I kinda believe it. So I'm thinking that while he couldn't fix my flu (which I knew going in) he could make sure nothing else was going on. But he wanted me to come back today and get a second shot. He said it was based on my weight, that I was heavy and so needed a bigger dose but he didn't want to give it to me all at once. Ok thanx I guess. But I didn't like the side effects I read about- that it can cause kidney problems and can affect your hearing. So- I'm not going back.

One interesting thing- as he wrote up the prescription- he lit up a cigarette! Wow now that was weird. Anyway he wanted us to go pick up my scrip and the stuff for Everardo's injection at the pharmacy, so as we walked out, I was smiling and he looked at me and I said well I never seen a doctor smoking, and he laughed and said he was the only one. I said that's definitely going in my blog. He laughed. When we got back and he gave my my pills and asked how I was feeling- actually a bit better- that was when I asked how to spell the drug he gave me, that I was taking Arimidex, and after chemo I wanted to know what I was taking. I mean yeah chemo was right- but the truth is, it's poison. Yes sir may I have another? So it's the risk I want to understand. So then he asked me if I wanted to know how/why I got cancer. I said yes of course. He told me about a book by Bernie Seagal called Love Nedicine Miracles and said I got cancer because of negative thoughts and actions. That we need to take care of ourselves and not worry about what we can't change,,,started to sound like he was in AA cause some of what he said I learned there. Then he said like my rude comment about him smoking- that I had no respect. That I should worry about myself not try to fix him. So- this is NOT when I decided not to go back- I already was uneasy enough to ask him to write down the name of the drug he injected me with. I already noticed that I didn't feel all that comfortable with him. The truth is him smoking is none of my business...well kinda..

Ok here's where I am with that. He's a fucking doctor. He should know better. And if he doesn't care about himself, does he really have true empathy for his patients? And what about the doctor thing- First do no harm? Or however that one goes. The truth is smoking hurts everyone! Second hand smoke?? I was in his office wheezing for God's sake- and he lights up a smoke? Now that's what I call arrogant. If I have to go to the doctor again, well there's lots to choose from and I'll ask someone I know...yeah Everado asked someone for this guy, but not somebody I know, and well, I just didn't like him. Now the good news is, it cost me about $25 USD- and that was for 2 shots and the exam. No appt, just walk in. And of course no insurance. I say again- WTF with the US and health care? Get rid of all the insurance companies, and for the pharmaceutical companies-hmm where does Canada and Mexico (and MANY other countries) but their drugs? Cause they just ain't that expensive.Oh so last nite I threw up, took a sleeping pill made of only natural ingredients, and still couldn't sleep...maybe about 3 am fell into a tossy turny sleep, but today just sore throat, stuff head, so I'm on the mend. Yuck enough sick talk!

I saw my last post said it was Saturday but I wrote it Friday nite, and not that late, but it still showed the next day. I know I didn't write anything yesterday cause I woke up sick as a dog. Coughing stuff head, later chills and sweats. Today is better but I am so weak. Layed around all day excpet for going for a drive cause I wanted to get out of the house, so Poppi took me and Sam for a drive and we found a stretch of beach we hadn't seen before and the fresh aor was nice.

I tried going to the Shrimp park for the Iron Chef competition but I lasted about 10 minutes. I was sweating and it was so crowded, luckily I had found a great parking spot easily so stated making my way out when Sam bumped me- Everardo and Sam came to get me to go to the beach. So I left my car there and went with them in the truck, but I was so weak I stayed in the cab while they walked down to the beach and Sam chased the ball into the water for a while. Man I feel like death warmed over- I think my Mom used to say that cause it's always in my head when I'm sick.

I can't really think to straight but for some reason I just thought of losing my perfect pancake. Yeah I've tried to make pancakes twice since we've lived here. Not sure I've ever made them before- made french toast- wait not I haven't but I've made waffles for sure! Ha ha I am quite the cook- not. But Drewy is a good cook; she makes dinner for her little family, and when I was talking to her the other nite she was reading a recipe to make whatever dish she was working on. Her dad was a good cook and I'm glad both girls like to cook. Ha ha I'm just smart enough to marry men who love to cook. My ex, and Everardo, too. He can make something out of nothing. When we first met I called him "Stone Soup", you know that story about when they had nothing to eat, but they boiled a big part of water, then someone came and added a carrot, someone added something else and so on....That's my Poppi, he make something yummy when we got nothin'.

So anyway a few days ago I had a tortilla go the same way as the perfect pancake and now I'm wondering just how much food, and other things, silverware maybe, is down there. It's such a skinny space, maybe I'm feeding a mouse? Ok so in between the stove and the end of the counter is a space, maybe less than an inch across. When I was attempting pancakes, the very last one was this perfect shape, and the perfect color, golden brown and I knew it wouldn't be too doughy, this one was going on the top of Everardo's stack. As I swooped it up with the spatula, it slid right off the side and down in that crevice! I never even noticed that damn crevice before! So I made pancakes one more time, a couple of weeks ago, and now I see what I need that long flat pan that you see used to make a few at a time. I watch now in the segundas for one- so of course I'm not seeing one ha ha. Then a few nites ago a tortilla jumped down the same hole. So what happens to that stuff? A mouse? Or would it start to stink when it gets old. But that would have already happened, right?

Well except for being sick, so I'm weak and yucky, I am a very happy woman. My man is sitting here, at the other end of the couch, on his laptop, and Sam is sleeping on the floor between us. My daughter is getting married and the next few months will be so fun to listen to her plans, her excitement, ha ha her insanity. Thank God I'm sober and will be present for it all. In 2 day I will have 12 years of sobriety, and for that I am forever grateful. To be a part of my daughters lives....I always was, physically at least, but there were times when I said the right words or showed up at the right places, but in my head I wasn't there. For me, that what alcohol does, becomes more important than anything or anyone. And Everardo having his daughter back in his life...the same thing- if he were getting loaded and/or doing drugs, this wouldn't be happening either. So life is...I almost said a bowl of cherries, but I don't like cherries. Life is...a big jar a peanut butter! Yeah cause I LOVE peanut butter.