wow been having trouble getting to this place so I can post. i can get to the website but no to being able to post. Well I looked back over my posts, and I think I was being real for myself about how I was feeling. My feelings of isolation were just at times, not constant, and the truth is I prayed my way out of hose bad feelings. Sometimes me praying is just talking out loud. trying to investigate my own pea brain. Why do I feel like this, how do I feel right now- kind of free association and I just try to talk my way thru whatever feeling comes up. Works pretty good. It appeared to me to be based in fear (of course) that I was left out, that nobody cared about me, that I was too stupid to learn the language. So I examined those feelings. No one was trying to leave me out, but every day conversations take place. And everybody here is so nice, and bend over backwards to include me. Lastly I am not stupid! I don't know if I learn language quicker or slower than anyone else, but I was feeling bad when we had been here 3-4 weeks. Takes a little longer than that to learn a language.

It's true I took Spanish lessons from a tutor for about 2 years, maybe longer, and the truth is I learned alot from Pedro. And as I learn more here every day the things he taught me come back, or help me to grasp concepts. Ha ha when I was a little kid I loved I Love Lucy. I thought their lives were perfect. she was always getting into mischief with Ethel & Ricky would get mad, then they were so in love and they had this tiny apartment and yet they were so happy. I wanted to grow up and marry Ricky Ricardo! My sister Karen said when I married Everardo- you finally married Ricky Ricardo! So maybe I've been heading here all my life. It certainly feels right.

And I'm learning so much about myself as I try to navigate this new culture. Mexico time is real. Everything takes a long time. Everything is posible. Nothing is a big deal. Conversation before and after business works. So I am trying to learn patience. Trying to let go of my huge ego that thinks I know everything. Like teaching English to little kids- ha ha they are on summer vacation, they are little kids, they have no one to practice with except each other- their families don't speak English. They come and try, but it's only in their little heads for the hour they sit with me. I need to let go of feeling a bunch of things- a failure cause they are not learning much, that I'm a bad teacher (even tho' I've never been a teacher before), that I am not accomplishing anything. BUT it's not true. This is not about me, it's about them. They are actually leaning a little- getting pretty good with the colors. But SO WHAT! They are little kids, who's parents want them to learn- it's not a bog deal to them. So I am here to be of whatever service they need. Some might decide they really want to learn and I'll be happy to help. I got a couple of new ones yesterday & today so maybe other kids will come. It is whatever it is. I need to accept that.

It's kind of laughable what I thought before I came. I thought I was being selfless, but I guess my ego was right in there pitching...my idea was to teach them for free, I know the people here are very poor- I mean really really poor, so I would do it for free & that would help make us a part of the community. But we are a part of the community. It helps alot that hubby is Mexican and can communicate alot better than me (however I will catch up soon enough and everyone will get to know me better too). But I think a part of me saw myself as this big helper...kinda not clear in my head, but the fact that it's not going the way I thought it would/should tells me that I saw myself "bigger" and that's ego. The really cool thing is- right here right now this minute I feel better! I realize that the awareness is huge. I've been hinting around to myself about this, this is kinda how I pray, talking it thru out loud and now I'm writing to think it through. And I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, giving what I have. And ha ha so what if I teach the same thing every class. But I also try to throw in something new, too. Everardo said I should stop saying what is your name, what day is it? But if they can't answer it, then they didn't learn it yet, not even by repetition, so I will keep asking those questions until they get it, but always bring something new too. And I noticed today that it was easier to talk to them in Spanish, too. So I'm learning right along with them!

The ocean has been a little rough last couple of days so we have stayed out of it. Big lightening and thunder storms the last two nites, and last nite I think it rained all nite. But no rain in the daytime still. Man if this nite time rain gives enough water, then I am all in favor of it. But I'm sure if that's true.
Yesterday we talked to Chela's sister and niece from Oaxaca, they are here visiting. I chatted with the pretty good. I asked them about how far from there to Guatemala, cause we want to visit Guatemala some time. They didn't know but they were a 12 hour drive from here. And Chela told me whenever we go to, or through Oaxaca we will stay at her sister's. That was very nice, and the cool thing is I know she means it. Family is very important in Mexico, and Chela and I have decided we are sisters!

Got the maps back up on the walls yesterday. With the new paint the double sided sticky tape doesn't work anymore so Everado had to drill into the wall, then insert these tubes that you put the screws into. So putting stuff on the walls is not that easy. For the balance of stuff, pictures, etc., I'm gonna try to decide all the spots before I ask him so it's not onesy twosey...

My daughter is going to be 27 on Tuesday, God 27! I remember when she was born. And I remember me at 27. she is so more evolved than I was at that agthe truth is I prayed my way out of hose bad feelings. Sometimes me praying is just talking out loud. trying to investigate my own pea brain. Why do I feel like this, how do I feel right now- kind of free association and I just try to talk my way thru whatever feeling comes up. Works pretty good. It appeared to me to be based in fear (of course) that I was left out, that nobody cared about me, that I was too stupid to learn the language. So I examined those feelings. No one was trying to leave me out, but every day conversations take place. And everybody here is so nice, and bend over backwards to include me. Lastly I am not stupid! I don't know if I learn language quicker or slower than anyone else, but I was feeling bad when we had been here 3-4 weeks. Takes a little longer than that to learn a language.

It's true I took Spanish lessons from a tutor for about 2 years, maybe longer, and the truth is I learned alot from Pedro. And as I learn more here every day the things he taught me come back, or help me to grasp concepts. Ha ha when I was a little kid I loved I Love Lucy. I tho on the beach or in a hammock, swim drink & tan- that could be a fun vacation, but no shopping, nite clubs, fancy restaurants, etc. ha ha. She did go on a trip with me once where my friend's church gets this group together on Easter vacation week, we drove down to Tijuana, then out to Rosarita I think, and we helped build 2 houses for people who had no home. So that's a little more extreme than we are here- so basically she's seen both ends of the spectrum but not sure she's spent any time in the middle. Anyway I miss them both so much. They are the only thing I regret for moving. I know Drewy understands I guess cause she's older, that in reality life is short, and you need to go for it. I probly said this before but after having cancer I realized that I don't want to wish I would have done things- like move to Mexico! But uh oh I'm gettin' sad so enough - they love me and know I love them and will come to see me soon! (ha ha the I'll start working on getting them to move here ha ha)

Somebody is honking outside, selling something. It's so cool, they sell along the road, driving or walking, ice cream, chairs, clothes, bread, enchiladas, eggs, kitchen utensils, if you wait long enough somebody is selling what you need. The girl in town who does nails (woman I guess- she's in her 20's), will come to your house. Th other day Everardo saw her next door so I walked over and got a $5 pedicure (50 pesos). I went in the ocean that day and the next 3 days, and it still looks perfect. The lady who made me 2 shirts, embroidered Mexican style should come by today with them completed. She was supposed to come last Friday but we were in and out so we probly missed her. Well I want to see what the honking person has on their way back down the road.....

So we went to Cruz Grande today (1 hour drive) to the bank.....trip number 5! There was a pretty long line to see the banker, I saw it from the car. But we found a place to park up the street, walked in, and I swear we were in there less than 10 minutes! The guy stopped helping the person he was with, motioned us forward & I signed one document, (showed no ID!) and we were done! We do have to call a phone number tomorrow to get my ATM card but yipee, we stuck with it and I am now on the bank account. Holy crap what an ordeal.

Then we thought ok we're in a big town (gotta be 30K people), so we went to Super Precio for milk- been looking since the wknd- and they didn't have any either! So we drove an hour back, then passed our turnoff and went to Marquelia and they still had no milk. But- Everado walked from the grocry store (super precio) to a little hole in the wall store and they had it! The guy said he has another client that only wants regular milk like we do so he always has it. We are keep going to him for milk even when the grocery store has it so we become his "client" too. ha ha all this for milk! You don't think of things not being available when you live in the states.

I did laundry in the kitchen sink and rinsed it in the shower next to the kitchen, which has the best water pressure and found time to lay in the hammock and read for awhile. I walked next door to Gencho & Rosa's because when Everardo went over there he saw Myra with her supplies- she's the girl who does nails. She is Rosa's niece and lives up the road but was down here. To get a pedicure cost me 50 pesos, so less than $5 US! I got purple and she put a really cute design on too. Can't beat the price. And a full set for acrylics ( fingernails) is only 150 pesos -less than $15 US. Again can't beat the price. I did my nails the first week I was here but now just toes. Felt like we were in the sand, or cleaning something, or painting or or or...so I took a break from my nails. We had dinner and then went for a walk and a swim. Everardo got way out there & I was trying to get to him but the waves were beating the shit out of me. Even Sam had gone back to shore. So I gave up and floated around. When he finally came in he said he was stuck out there! He couldn't get back! When he saw me trying to get out to him he wanted to tell me go back but was worried I get scared for him- so he watched and then I went back. When we walked up to Chela's, Gume said he was watching Everardo and knew he was stuck. He said he was hoping he didn't have to go out there to get him cause he just ate dinner!! So it turned out ok. Another guy there said it happened to him too. So then we jumped in the nice safe pool. Relaxing. Kinda wish the water was colder in the pool so I could say refreshing...

Again thinking about cutting off my hair- I told myself to give it a year; I love my sister's hair- she wears it in a long braid, it's so long she can tie it back or let it loose- I think it reaches her waist. BUt every woman here wears their hair up in a pony tail, a braid, or in a clip. It's just so hot. And I take a couple of showers a day- rinsing out salt water or chlorine....well not today.

Tomorrow is the first day of August. We're going to try to keep track of everything we spend so we can see if our budget plan is reasonable...I think we're close. I'm gonna stop writing this and read my first entries from when we first got here. While I was floating in the pool alone while Hubby was talking to Gume, I was remembering when we first got here and went swimming during the hurricane. But I also remember I cried alot those first 2-3 weeks. Sometimes because I was so happy to be here. Amazed! Sometimes cause I was/am so grateful to be here. So grateful for my husband, these friends we're making. Sometimes because of how much they were helping us... Sometimes because of the language and feeling isolated. Anyway I want to see what I said.

Had to come back! Oh my God the beach is amazing as the sun goes down. I closed down my laptop, and we walked down the beach, not planning to go in, it's pretty windy. Sam basically waded, but he was a happy dog, started running with Poppa, pretending to fight, then running to catch up with me and jumping up. We got down near Chela's so we threw the stick in a couple times for him, then started to walk back.

But Sam still wanted to go in the water, even though he was tired of chasing the stick- when he doesn't want to do it anymore he drops the stick a little but away from us...So Everardo waded in where the pool forms in front of the rocks when the tide is out. Sam ran in. I was dressed- but hey just shorts so what the hell and I went in too. It's nice there, the water is pretty calm, although ripples come in over the rocks and can knock you around a little. BUt it's shallow so if you feel like you're getting pulled you simply stand up. Sam & Everardo rough housed- Sam was all about the attack- it was funny. I just floated around.

Then I noticed the sky behind out house. God- it was SOOOOO beautiful! The sun was going down, almost gone - the other way, not towards out house. So over our house the sky was this deep dark blue, with a big patch of pink right over the lighthouse which points up behind our house. The palm trees became silhouettes- it would have been an award winning photo. It tok my breath away. The moon is almost full and started to come out. The pink began to fade and it got dark. While this was happening some kids and their mom (Gume's sister) joined us in the pool and everybody was laughing. She has a yr old baby that wasn't a bit afraid of the waves, she just watched her brothers & sisters.
This is what makes it so wonderful to be here. After the first 3 weeks or so, I was frustrated, feeling isolated, left out. I worked thru it, knowing it was my ego, and my fear. Not being able to communicate was hard- and I have a huge ego- I like-no I love to talk and be in the middle of everything. The people we are making friends with want me in the middle, they try to include me. I know it's up to me to learn the language. And my husband is a saint. He knew I was struggling and tried to help. I got resentful (yeah smart girl always thinking). But we both continued to try to do the next right thing.
I still have to work hard to improve my Spanish every day. I still get lost in what everyone is talking about. But poco a poco, I'm getting there. I'm actually learning patience, I'm letting things go. I love this simple life. I love to walk on the beach, every wave is different. I love the air here, and I lotsve love the water- it's warm...yipee it's warm and fun. And I am (again) poco a poco letting go of my fear of being smashed on the rocks and dragged out to sea, conscious long enough to feel the shark ripping me to shreds ha ha.

Oh and lastly, I saw a big bug in the laundry, the sheets, and since Everardo was right there and Monsie too (7 yrs old) I asked him to grab it- it was a scorpion! yuck! He killed it but he was wearing sandals and it was trying to sting him with it's tail! This is the second one in 2 months, and kinda big, maybe 4 inches long- I think that's big but just a reminder to be careful- right when I was thinking I didn't have to put on my flip flops to go to the bathroom during the nite! Wrong flip flops yessss.
Turn off water while soaping up in the shower and while soaping up dishes, and wear flip flops in the middle of the nite. I think I can handle this place!

I was wrong! I was wrong! I am so happy to be wrong! Can't believe it- the bank called today! A business that said they would call actually called- and I was hating the bank most of all! Four trips and my name was not on the account- and it's an hour each way-if you're not stuck behind a truck, which of course you are at some point during the trip, that's where the game with the lights and watching out for topes comes in. But apparently Immigration checked me out and I am not a money launderer or drug trafficker, so they will allow me to have my name added to OUR bank account which my husband was able to open in about 10 minutes. Well to be fair, trip number 4 that ended (after about 2 hours) with- ok I'll send all this info on for review, was because of the recent news with the banks (HCSB) and reports of money laundering, and I am a foreigner here....

Anyway when the guy in the bank said he'd call us Thursday to let us know what was going on, I had to choke back a laugh and was kinda pissed off when Everardo thanked him! We got all the way t the car before I said- he's gonna call us???? ha ha ha aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So I marked the date and decided this time to let three week go by for bugging hubby to make the drive again. The first 3 times we waited only 2 weeks between trips. So tomorrow we're gonna drive to Cruz Grande and I'm gonna sign the final paper which puts my name on MY account and gives me an ATM and allows me to transfer money from our US bank.....well it's nice when a story ends well, isn't it??

No swimming in the ocean today; the wind is strong and sea looks angry. Everardo & Polo used up most of the yellow and all of the green on the outside today, we need to go to Acapulco to get more paint, including a small can of the purple & the red since neither of us like how the 3 pillars turned out...the colors are thick and dry looking. It's ok, but not for long. However both of us are tired of driving to Acapulco, so we'll wait until we need something, probly in a couple of weeks. I laid in the hammock and read a book.

 We went to Copala for milk- but didn't come home with any. They only have this kind that you buy off the shelf, it doesn't need refrigeration until after you open it...not sure what the deal is there, so for now I just want regular milk. And for that we need to go to Marquelia. I mean I get why they don't have it in Copala; it's such a small town and if it doesn't get bought it will expire. So we will probly go to Mrquelia tomorrow but that's 15 miles so a qucik trip. Yeah last nite this old Steven Douglas movie was on- Basic Instinct- and altho in this one scene when he follows her it said it was Mill Valley- it was Petaluma! He drove into town from the back roads, D Street, right where you come to that light, and if you turn right, then the next left is our old street, F! I was yelling to Everardo who was in the shower to come look. In the movie he kept going straight and turned where the big old Catholic church is and then parked across the street. I recognized the houses! It was so cool. So of course we had to watch the whole freaking movie which I think started at 11pm so I fell into bed.

At nite we are tired, it's so hot during the day, and lately we've been swimming in the ocean in the late afternoon and that takes it out of you. You fight the current in so many directions- from pulling you out, and either pushing towards rocks on the right or left. It's a wide area between the rocks, but you still have to watch. And watch Sam who is determined to swim way out with us. But he's a smart puppy dog. When he sees the white top of the wave he turns himself around so he's facing shore and he rides it in. When he's trying to get out further, he knows to try to jump up when it comes. And lately he's been getting out when he's tired. That's a really good thing. But...he doesn't rest for long so he's back in. So I stay out there too long, too. And truthfully when a good one knocks me around under the water, for a split second the fear comes back. It was nice to talk to Veronica the other day on the phone cause she said...."you mean when you almost got killed out there?" YES!! Ha ha even though she had her back turned and was reading a book as I was being thrown against the rocks, she saw me right after, the fear...and tears..and the blood. ha ha my leg and foot were bleeding but I had wiped my face and so had smeared blood over it and didn't know....That was 2 years ago and time for me to put on my big girl panties and get over it! So, I go in the water and have fun. I make myself walk near the rocks when SMALL waves are coming, and starting to enjoy the little pools that form in front of the rock when the tide is out.

We haven't seen the lady who is making the 2 shirts for me, embroidered, but I'm sure we will on Friday, that seems to be here day to walk by here.  The bread lady came today, the bread is called bosillos, and when Everardo offered her a glass of ice water she was very pleased. He's a very nice guy that way. We tip the person who bags our groceries, the guy who pumps the gas, and the garbage man. These are all the people you are supposed to tip- sometimes the grocery store clerks make no money except what we tip, and the gas station people must make hardly anything cause everyone tips them, too. Garbage collection is free, and I don't know if everyone tips them, but we do. And I think if we forgot to put it out they will honk for us. Oh yeah we tip the guys who bring the bottled water on the Pepsi truck too, you know everybody has their little job here, everybody tips each other, and everybody eats. Ha ha at Wallmart in Acapulco there must be 100 people working there, probly don;t make shit, but they make something. And everywhere are people selling something on the side of the road or walking down the street. very creative people...the ones who throw water on the dirt when you come into Ometepec are still my favorite I think.

Mexico has so many possibilities, so many opportunities, so much land and so many people. It will be interesting to watch it going forward. I just hope between the US & Mexico they can somehow get a handle on this drug war business, I mean without the demand which is the US all the way, the viciousness of the supply would diminish. I do not know what the answer is. But I hate to see a beautiful place like this have the wave of fear...although where we are it's so poor that the cartels couldn't use us for anything ha ha.

Well the evening walk and possible swim are calling to me.