Next Wednesday, at 3:30 in the afternoon, I'm having a lump removed from my breast. It's a small lump- I found it myself. Hard like a little bb. (Is that how you spell bb? The kind you shoot? Like in the movie Christmas Story- "you'll shoot your eye out!") It's right under- or right in, the scar I have above my left breast. Yeah I had breast cancer in 2009. I had a lumpectomy, then a summer of chemo, and after that radiation. It SUCKED. One of the meds I took made me depressed, really depressed. I finally told them and they had me stop taking it. One of the other meds kept me from sleeping at nite. I lived alone at the time and I would stare at the ceiling, and did I say I was depresed at the time? For the first time in my life I understood why people comtemplate suicide. Scared me. Alot. I also put on 20 lbs. You eat comfort food.
Ok enough talking about it. Oh wait- and yes I was bald for a few months, but I also didn't have to shave my legs or armpits for a whole summer ha ha.
Ok that's it. They did not say I have cancer again. What they said was they are "concerned". I found the lump this past Monday after my hike. Yeah right when I was feeling great. I went to the doctor that afternoon who took a look and said if I hadn't had cancer before he would just think it was a cyst, but given my history he was concerned. So then I had an appointment with the breast cancer clinic, but not until Thursday. We woke up Thursday to a horrible rainstorm. We wanted to leave at 6am because the appt was all the way down in Terra Linda. So then we go out to the truck and the garage door won't open. But it has 2 doors, and he was able to back it up and go forward at an angle until he got it out the other door. We could barely see and I was worried about when we got to Santa Rosa and the commute traffic got heavy with all that rain...well an hour later we got there and to our surprise no traffic. And none for the next few cities on the way even though there's usually bad traffic every day from about 6:30am -9am. Finally when we did hit bumper to bumper traffic- the rain stopped- I mean completely! SO weird. I thanked the universe though. It had to rain so there was no traffic, then when there had to be traffic, no rain. I had asked the universe to help us to travel safe- and it did.
So- I had a mammogram and a sonogram. Inconclusive. But the answer from the two doctors involed was- because of your history we have concerns. So let's get this taken care of; it's close to the surface and small so no point in taking a little piece, let's just take it all and send it to pathology. I agreed of course. But now that's not until next Wednesday. Am I ok? I guess so. I was pretty scared when I was having the tests done and when the surgery was scheduled. And it's not in an operating room- I will not be knocked out. Just a local, which the dr said the shot is VERY uncomfortable. (oh thanks). But now I'm better.
Except I swear every news story I open is about cancer. And a guy from years ago that I worked with popped up in my facebook as one of those people "you might know"' I looked at his page, and went ahead and sent a friend request. His wife of like 30 years died in December from cancer. I know it's just me obsessing about this. And I also know I DON'T have cancer. It is simply going to be a cyst, or scar tissue. Maybe because I lost weight the area changed. I don't know how long it's been there. I don't remember when I checked myself last, but I do know I touch the scar all the time. It's weird because I have a dent under the scar. I remember at my last mammo- back in August the technician telling me that the dent is normal. That everyone thinks fat is fluid and would just fill in the area where they took out the tumor last time. And it was really tiny- I never felt it, the mammo spotted it. Anyway she said fat is a solid, and so I will have the dent. I still always touch it.
I'm writing about it because I don't know how I feel. I want to say whatever it is, I'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. Everardo said that from the get go. He said let's just find out what it is and take care of it. Nothing to be scared of, whatever it is, we'll do the next right thing. I feel better writing this though. I told my daughters. Drew was not happy that I didn't tell her on Monday, but at that point I didn't see why I should worry her. But after the appts on Thurs. I knew I needed to tell her and Halla, too.
Ok enough talking about it. Oh wait- and yes I was bald for a few months, but I also didn't have to shave my legs or armpits for a whole summer ha ha.
Ok that's it. They did not say I have cancer again. What they said was they are "concerned". I found the lump this past Monday after my hike. Yeah right when I was feeling great. I went to the doctor that afternoon who took a look and said if I hadn't had cancer before he would just think it was a cyst, but given my history he was concerned. So then I had an appointment with the breast cancer clinic, but not until Thursday. We woke up Thursday to a horrible rainstorm. We wanted to leave at 6am because the appt was all the way down in Terra Linda. So then we go out to the truck and the garage door won't open. But it has 2 doors, and he was able to back it up and go forward at an angle until he got it out the other door. We could barely see and I was worried about when we got to Santa Rosa and the commute traffic got heavy with all that rain...well an hour later we got there and to our surprise no traffic. And none for the next few cities on the way even though there's usually bad traffic every day from about 6:30am -9am. Finally when we did hit bumper to bumper traffic- the rain stopped- I mean completely! SO weird. I thanked the universe though. It had to rain so there was no traffic, then when there had to be traffic, no rain. I had asked the universe to help us to travel safe- and it did.
So- I had a mammogram and a sonogram. Inconclusive. But the answer from the two doctors involed was- because of your history we have concerns. So let's get this taken care of; it's close to the surface and small so no point in taking a little piece, let's just take it all and send it to pathology. I agreed of course. But now that's not until next Wednesday. Am I ok? I guess so. I was pretty scared when I was having the tests done and when the surgery was scheduled. And it's not in an operating room- I will not be knocked out. Just a local, which the dr said the shot is VERY uncomfortable. (oh thanks). But now I'm better.
Except I swear every news story I open is about cancer. And a guy from years ago that I worked with popped up in my facebook as one of those people "you might know"' I looked at his page, and went ahead and sent a friend request. His wife of like 30 years died in December from cancer. I know it's just me obsessing about this. And I also know I DON'T have cancer. It is simply going to be a cyst, or scar tissue. Maybe because I lost weight the area changed. I don't know how long it's been there. I don't remember when I checked myself last, but I do know I touch the scar all the time. It's weird because I have a dent under the scar. I remember at my last mammo- back in August the technician telling me that the dent is normal. That everyone thinks fat is fluid and would just fill in the area where they took out the tumor last time. And it was really tiny- I never felt it, the mammo spotted it. Anyway she said fat is a solid, and so I will have the dent. I still always touch it.
I'm writing about it because I don't know how I feel. I want to say whatever it is, I'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. Everardo said that from the get go. He said let's just find out what it is and take care of it. Nothing to be scared of, whatever it is, we'll do the next right thing. I feel better writing this though. I told my daughters. Drew was not happy that I didn't tell her on Monday, but at that point I didn't see why I should worry her. But after the appts on Thurs. I knew I needed to tell her and Halla, too.
Just thought I'd add a couple of pictures to make myself feel better. The tulips are in our backyard and the path is where I hike.
To add to the stress this is the month I was going to change health insurance companies. I have to get rid of Covered Calif which has been a huge huge hassle the entire time. If they were not a government business they would be out of business! So unorganized, idiots work there. So now they want me to prove my income- which so far this year I don't have...but plan to. They will send me to Medi-cal. Then when I get a part time job I'd go off it. Medical has a 6 month back up for paperwork, but I don't believe I should have it anyway because I'm not working because I don't want to- not because I'm struggling. I'm also now living outside where they have Kaiser so they also would make me change companies. So I decided to just let go of them and get a different insurance here. I have to let go of Kaiser because I can't afford the premium without Covered Calif- it's like $600 a month. So I went online and found insurance for $165 a month and it starts March 25. So I still have Kaiser thru March. Ok so hopefully this lump is just a cyst, and will be taken care of in March, and I'll change companies in April. If it is cancer, then I guess I'll have to pay the huge premium thru treatment. And I have the money to do it- if I have to. Ha ha meaning I guess I'll have to start working a little sooner. So I was adding this stress onto the situation...meaning the insurance change and all of a sudden I need it. I go to the doctor like once a year- and now this. But this is nothing. A cyst, or scar tissue. Ok I feel alot better. Oh and last but not least I'm sober. For 15 years as of Feb 19. Yipee for me. I am one of the luckiest people I know. Blessed. Grateful for so many things in my life. Viva!
