So the cold hit me again on Saturday, really bad yesterday and backing off today. I took some kind of decongestant like Alka Seltzer Plus and that stuff knocks me on my ass ha ha! Anyway it's like each type of the germ flies by me, pauses, then dive bombs me. I think it's like when you kid first starts school and brings home every cold every kid has- she gets sick once and you get it over and over!
However we are not letting my little colds stop our forward motion. We get to start staying at the new place Wednesday... 2 more days! That gives us a couple of days to clean...just a little...and be sure we got everything. The people coming Friday to look at the house found another place so Irka wrote to cancel- fine by me. I don't even want to see her to give the keys back- hey she has a key- I could leave them on the counter...or maybe give them to maintenance Mike, oh I'll probly give them to her.
We went and got the carpet for the bedroom, and it almost fits perfect. Ha ha funny how things are almost perfect. I don't think anything/anybody is perfect. Even if we can't see it, that little imperfection is there. I have been working on that lately, trying to live in the now, and not look for something better as soon as I get what I want (or thought I wanted until I see the next thing ha ha). I even do it with tv- I choose a channel, and then look at other channels just in case there's something better. We decided on this mobile home, and now I see houses for rent all over Ensenada. We decided for the right reason we didn't want to live in Ensenada...I need to remind myself of that. Just like when I was drinking, if one is good, then 10 must be better. I never had just one. Drugs the same thing- even while I was just sick. Not this past week, but over Chrstmas and New Years, I took something that made me have bad dreams, but the next nite I took it again...but maybe I'm learning a little, nite 3 I realized I was crazy and stopped. Ok maybe I learned nothing- I've always known that any drug that makes you sleepy or any kind of "downer" has always gave me bad dreams and weird feelings, and pain meds make me itchy. Hmm started this paragraph with something almost perfect. Yeah that would not be me.
But I'm ok not being perfect, and I'm getting better at it all the time. Do people really figure this stuff out on their own, when they are young????? I'm 50....something, and I like me better than I ever have. Acceptance has been a hard one for me. I mean I'm great at accepting you, I'm good at accepting things, and even reality sometimes, but I suck at my own acceptance. I mean like I still have regrets about the past, and I still think I made so many mistakes as a mother. I'm an alcoholic in AA and we learn to make amends and to forgive ourselves as well. Most of it I'm good with, I mean what an ego to keep harping on past mistakes, as if I could change them. The only thing I can do is be an active member of AA and maybe share things that help other women. I love when I see young women come in; they don't have to make all the mistakes I did. I always gravitate towards them in hopes of being of some service to them. The mom stuff- yeah I know- I did the best I could for who I was. That is exactly how I looked at my relationship with my own mom, but for me I felt like I was letting myself off the hook- that I wasn't doing my best because I was an alcoholic...but still...still the truth is I was doing the best I could. And I have amazing evidence of that! I have 2 amazing beautiful smart strong caring daughters to show me I was not that bad! No mostly I think I hurt myself...and even sober I still had trouble finding peace, happiness inside me instead of outside me. Old habits die hard eh?
But the more I watch people the more I see that perfect is really the imperfection of life. The "perfect families" are not perfect, I just can't see the imperfection. I saw this guy hugging his little boy today outside Telnor and that was perfect. I saw this little old man- had to a hundred years old- walking arm and arm with this little equally old woman, and when they got to the steps of the building, he turned and helped her to grab onto the rail, and they went in. I think I cried at how beautiful they were. There's this guy at the meeting we go to in Ensenada, he's probly in his early 70's, he's a funny guy and very nice. He shared the other day that he felt confused- that he couldn't figure out how to be happy (hmm sounds familiar) and so about a year ago he went to couseling (therapy). He says he feels happy today, that the doctor helped him to look at things, at himself in a different way. He said he told the doctor at first he wanted to talk about all his problems, and the doctor told him he didn't even understand his problems. That he wanted to talk about him. Who he was. This was very cool, to hear this old guy tell us he asked for help to find his way. I like that. I respect that. You gotta stay open to new ideas, new ways to look at things...self examination for an over 70 guy....that's perfection. So I guess perfection is beauty, love, acceptance, hope..and by beauty I of course mean the beauty in peoples actions, how they treat each other, and themselves.
One thing I am forced to keep learning here is patience ha ha!! Things move slowly here, customer service does not exist, but if it's your turn there will be conversation, no matter how many are waiting ha ha. But this is definitely the place of wait, or hurry up and wait. People use pay phones here. Aren't they almost non existent in the US? I see people use them here all the time. People have old boxy tvs, and many cell phones seem soooo old and big. There's another guy at the Ensenada meeting who just moved here from the US and rented in Ensenada. He doesn't have hot water, and now he's in week 3 of no hot water...but he's pretty busy going back and forth with Telnor because his phone service is messed up too ha ha. The land of no expectations. But I think slowing down agrees with me. Will I be different when we go back? Or will I fall right back into expecting everything right this second...and perfect?? Ah back to perfect again...so maybe I should look at what I was talking about when I started this....
Oh yeah moving. Well Telnor is supposed to come on Wednesday and Everardo is going to try to move and set up the dish himself. Hmmmm well ok. Because the internet comes with the phone and that's what I care about more. And if he can't set it right, he says he'll wave down a dish guy and give him 50 pesos to do it for us. I do love that. Either a bundle of paper needing signatures or a guy you flag down on the side of the road. So we got a box spring and little wood legs/feet to screw into the bottom for our bed since we only had a mattress. The new place had twin beds and at first we thought we'd push them together and use those box springs but it was waaaaay too wide, so we talked about a king mattress (we have queen) but the room is pretty small so we got the box spring today and set up the twins in the spare room- which of course took up the entire room. Where will my elliptical go? Yeah I don't use it much, but I like to know I can if I want to. I'll figure it out. Oh and the most important! Painting the shelves a light purple! They look freaking great! And there's one white wall between the eating area (dining room it is not-too small), and the kitchen is also going to be purple- it's like a half wall, width I mean it's not short. So a long 2 shelf thing in the living room, and a tall bookshelf against the back wall, then another 2 shelver for the bedroom. We also found a dresser, but it was painted black so I chose a shade of orange...but it looks kinda yucky...so purple it is! It's cozy, it looks cozy and Everardo really likes it. I do too, and I think it's gonna be good. I'm already thinkin' coffee on the beach, that was my favorite thing in Playa Ventura. I think the dogs will love it.
So I guess I'm all caught up. I was thinking of so many things I wanted to write...oh like about the slower pace and less expectations....I was thinking about school shootings....I googled it and found only 2 in Mexico's history, and one was in front shooting at adults, and the other kind of seemed along the same lines but I wasn't sure since I just skimmed the article. I think less expectations has alot to do with it. People not only have expectations, they feel pressured by what is expected of them. And many times we place our own pressure own ourselves, unreasonable expectations- we do it to ourselves. But I think here, where you don't expect to get everything right this second and it has to be the best, right this second. I think with less pressure from other and ourselves, that maybe people don't get to that unbearable place. Yes Mexico is as dangerous as anywhere else. But to me, the danger is among dangerous people...not the kid who flunked at school. Mostly here you can stay away from bad things- for the most part-I don't mean to over simplify- but I just think there's something to be said for a slower pace in life. Not expecting too much, too much manufactured perfection.
Ok well that's about it for me...I think I'll add this totally cool prayer I actually saw on facebook but have taken for myself...I'm trying to say it every day, and especially the part that is to oneself, if giving me a sense of peace. I like it so I'll share it here: (and viva!)
However we are not letting my little colds stop our forward motion. We get to start staying at the new place Wednesday... 2 more days! That gives us a couple of days to clean...just a little...and be sure we got everything. The people coming Friday to look at the house found another place so Irka wrote to cancel- fine by me. I don't even want to see her to give the keys back- hey she has a key- I could leave them on the counter...or maybe give them to maintenance Mike, oh I'll probly give them to her.
We went and got the carpet for the bedroom, and it almost fits perfect. Ha ha funny how things are almost perfect. I don't think anything/anybody is perfect. Even if we can't see it, that little imperfection is there. I have been working on that lately, trying to live in the now, and not look for something better as soon as I get what I want (or thought I wanted until I see the next thing ha ha). I even do it with tv- I choose a channel, and then look at other channels just in case there's something better. We decided on this mobile home, and now I see houses for rent all over Ensenada. We decided for the right reason we didn't want to live in Ensenada...I need to remind myself of that. Just like when I was drinking, if one is good, then 10 must be better. I never had just one. Drugs the same thing- even while I was just sick. Not this past week, but over Chrstmas and New Years, I took something that made me have bad dreams, but the next nite I took it again...but maybe I'm learning a little, nite 3 I realized I was crazy and stopped. Ok maybe I learned nothing- I've always known that any drug that makes you sleepy or any kind of "downer" has always gave me bad dreams and weird feelings, and pain meds make me itchy. Hmm started this paragraph with something almost perfect. Yeah that would not be me.
But I'm ok not being perfect, and I'm getting better at it all the time. Do people really figure this stuff out on their own, when they are young????? I'm 50....something, and I like me better than I ever have. Acceptance has been a hard one for me. I mean I'm great at accepting you, I'm good at accepting things, and even reality sometimes, but I suck at my own acceptance. I mean like I still have regrets about the past, and I still think I made so many mistakes as a mother. I'm an alcoholic in AA and we learn to make amends and to forgive ourselves as well. Most of it I'm good with, I mean what an ego to keep harping on past mistakes, as if I could change them. The only thing I can do is be an active member of AA and maybe share things that help other women. I love when I see young women come in; they don't have to make all the mistakes I did. I always gravitate towards them in hopes of being of some service to them. The mom stuff- yeah I know- I did the best I could for who I was. That is exactly how I looked at my relationship with my own mom, but for me I felt like I was letting myself off the hook- that I wasn't doing my best because I was an alcoholic...but still...still the truth is I was doing the best I could. And I have amazing evidence of that! I have 2 amazing beautiful smart strong caring daughters to show me I was not that bad! No mostly I think I hurt myself...and even sober I still had trouble finding peace, happiness inside me instead of outside me. Old habits die hard eh?
But the more I watch people the more I see that perfect is really the imperfection of life. The "perfect families" are not perfect, I just can't see the imperfection. I saw this guy hugging his little boy today outside Telnor and that was perfect. I saw this little old man- had to a hundred years old- walking arm and arm with this little equally old woman, and when they got to the steps of the building, he turned and helped her to grab onto the rail, and they went in. I think I cried at how beautiful they were. There's this guy at the meeting we go to in Ensenada, he's probly in his early 70's, he's a funny guy and very nice. He shared the other day that he felt confused- that he couldn't figure out how to be happy (hmm sounds familiar) and so about a year ago he went to couseling (therapy). He says he feels happy today, that the doctor helped him to look at things, at himself in a different way. He said he told the doctor at first he wanted to talk about all his problems, and the doctor told him he didn't even understand his problems. That he wanted to talk about him. Who he was. This was very cool, to hear this old guy tell us he asked for help to find his way. I like that. I respect that. You gotta stay open to new ideas, new ways to look at things...self examination for an over 70 guy....that's perfection. So I guess perfection is beauty, love, acceptance, hope..and by beauty I of course mean the beauty in peoples actions, how they treat each other, and themselves.
One thing I am forced to keep learning here is patience ha ha!! Things move slowly here, customer service does not exist, but if it's your turn there will be conversation, no matter how many are waiting ha ha. But this is definitely the place of wait, or hurry up and wait. People use pay phones here. Aren't they almost non existent in the US? I see people use them here all the time. People have old boxy tvs, and many cell phones seem soooo old and big. There's another guy at the Ensenada meeting who just moved here from the US and rented in Ensenada. He doesn't have hot water, and now he's in week 3 of no hot water...but he's pretty busy going back and forth with Telnor because his phone service is messed up too ha ha. The land of no expectations. But I think slowing down agrees with me. Will I be different when we go back? Or will I fall right back into expecting everything right this second...and perfect?? Ah back to perfect again...so maybe I should look at what I was talking about when I started this....
Oh yeah moving. Well Telnor is supposed to come on Wednesday and Everardo is going to try to move and set up the dish himself. Hmmmm well ok. Because the internet comes with the phone and that's what I care about more. And if he can't set it right, he says he'll wave down a dish guy and give him 50 pesos to do it for us. I do love that. Either a bundle of paper needing signatures or a guy you flag down on the side of the road. So we got a box spring and little wood legs/feet to screw into the bottom for our bed since we only had a mattress. The new place had twin beds and at first we thought we'd push them together and use those box springs but it was waaaaay too wide, so we talked about a king mattress (we have queen) but the room is pretty small so we got the box spring today and set up the twins in the spare room- which of course took up the entire room. Where will my elliptical go? Yeah I don't use it much, but I like to know I can if I want to. I'll figure it out. Oh and the most important! Painting the shelves a light purple! They look freaking great! And there's one white wall between the eating area (dining room it is not-too small), and the kitchen is also going to be purple- it's like a half wall, width I mean it's not short. So a long 2 shelf thing in the living room, and a tall bookshelf against the back wall, then another 2 shelver for the bedroom. We also found a dresser, but it was painted black so I chose a shade of orange...but it looks kinda yucky...so purple it is! It's cozy, it looks cozy and Everardo really likes it. I do too, and I think it's gonna be good. I'm already thinkin' coffee on the beach, that was my favorite thing in Playa Ventura. I think the dogs will love it.
So I guess I'm all caught up. I was thinking of so many things I wanted to write...oh like about the slower pace and less expectations....I was thinking about school shootings....I googled it and found only 2 in Mexico's history, and one was in front shooting at adults, and the other kind of seemed along the same lines but I wasn't sure since I just skimmed the article. I think less expectations has alot to do with it. People not only have expectations, they feel pressured by what is expected of them. And many times we place our own pressure own ourselves, unreasonable expectations- we do it to ourselves. But I think here, where you don't expect to get everything right this second and it has to be the best, right this second. I think with less pressure from other and ourselves, that maybe people don't get to that unbearable place. Yes Mexico is as dangerous as anywhere else. But to me, the danger is among dangerous people...not the kid who flunked at school. Mostly here you can stay away from bad things- for the most part-I don't mean to over simplify- but I just think there's something to be said for a slower pace in life. Not expecting too much, too much manufactured perfection.
Ok well that's about it for me...I think I'll add this totally cool prayer I actually saw on facebook but have taken for myself...I'm trying to say it every day, and especially the part that is to oneself, if giving me a sense of peace. I like it so I'll share it here: (and viva!)
No comments:
Post a Comment