Last few days I had been in kind of a funk. I thought I was going to call this post "what the hell am I doing" ha ha but today changed it. We had this loveseat couch that is in very good shape, but jst too short, and a couple of weeks ago finally went down to the segundas and got a regular length couch, so this loveseat has been sitting outside on the porch. And I just hate inside furniture outside. Just one of those things ya know- a pet peeve.....Everardo kept saying he was going to take it down to the end of the spit road and sell it on the weekend, or at least put it in the shed, but it sat on the porch. It got rainy so he put a tarp over it, which was better ha ha. Ok so there's that. Then because it's so cold at nite we moved our bed away from under the window and against an inside wall. Well for about a foot from the wall out, there's no carpet and no flooring- just wood, like planks of wood- looked horrible and now I'm seeing it every day, when before the bed and the nightstand, etc covered it so I could ignore it. Now I see it all the time. Did I mention it's sooo cold in here at nite? I wear a hooded sweatshirt to bed and have lots of blankets. Our faucets are- well not rusty...I guess it's more like corroded...the metal has this white stuff on it that a brillo pad will not take off. It's on the 2 bathroom sinks. I hate that too. It's all the things I hated when I didn't want to move in here...but got used to I guess. But I am the type, when one thing goes wrong, I see everything as bad. I knew I was missing my daughters more because of Christmas, but I still missed them. Then my resentments around my younger daughter- I think I already wrote about the decorations she left at my ex husbands that to me were special and meant to be special for the family she will form. Then Everardo's daughter came to visit! She was going to her mother's family in Mexicali, but she wanted to meet her dad so she came to see us. That was wonderful. Except of course I anx'ted over the condition of our home and wanted it to be nicer.....He was also nervous.
He got to meet his grandson, who is a doll. A smart funny adorable kid. 9 years old. His mom was very nice as well, but of course it was a little weird, like having a guest you don't know very well, but in a very small environment so we were all together all the time. I tried to give them some time, and also tried to spend time with Oz, his grandson so Everardo and his daughter could get to know each other. They arrived about 10 at nite on Monday before Christmas and left late afternoon Christmas Eve. On Monday we went to Ensenada to get presents as well as immigration to find out about her getting dual citizenship. We didn't know what time they'd arrive and were nervous all day. Of course it all went fine...but not perfectly....of course. I know my husband wanted it to be perfect, wanted....well it was his child..and his grandchild. Nothing bad happened...just all the emotions that he went thru, and me as well, wanting him to be happy, etc. She's 30 years old after all. After they left he had alot of emotions. Some he didn't tell me about at first. He was filled with love, guilt, happiness, sadness, did I say guilt? I said the wrong things in some cases...some things I said he had already said himself, but when I said them he got mad. I am not as detailed here as I usually am because this is about his child and his life, and not sure what I should say or not say. So I guess I will try to just talk about my feelings. I should have kept some of my opinions to myself. I should have let him talk and talk and feel and think without offering advice or opinions. I could have been better. We are ok now...but yesterday we had an arguement and I left for a couple of hours. I took a drive and sat in the truck on a cliff overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours. I did some talking to the universe, I actually went thru all the store receipts I had in my purse for the budget we try to keep so we can see what we're doing...I even tried to read for a few minutes after I wasn't mad anymore.
We have come a long way as far as arguments go. We don't have too many these days, and now when we do, one of us usually takes a walk or a drive to give ourselves space for a little while, then later we can talk. But this time I let myself become overwhelmed. What am I doing in Mexico? I am in control of nothing. I don't pay the bills, I don't argue with the cable company or the telephone company when things go wrong. I am not as independent in many ways as I used to be. But actually in other ways I am! I live in another country and figure out what I need and what I can get along without...which is alot ha ha! I am struggling with my weight loss...or lack of this month, I am not fluent in Spanish...and frustrated with trying to find a way or a place to be in service...even though now I've talked to a guy who says he can fix me up to teach English, and I found the women's rehab, but haven't been able to connect with anyone there yet either. So I think- what am I doing? I miss my daughters...so I got into a funk. I started thinking about going back to northern Calif. I even looked at Craigslist for jobs and rentals! But really? Working full time again???aarrgghh I don't want to do that! And rents are high, not to mention everything that goes with it....car insurance, electric bills, (which here both are soooo cheap). Dogs on leashes ha ha. Ok so all this is jus what I let into my head at once....a tempest in a teapot. I make myself miserable. I feel guilty not living closer to my older daughter. I feel guilty that I don't miss the younger one as much- then that's a whole other story about feeling guilty that she chose not to be in my life while she was a teenager- should I have forced her? I believe that as she gets a little older we will have a relationship as close as with the older one, but is that really true? Am I jealous of her father? Yeah a little but what could I have done to compete with him? I did what I thought was right- and I still think was right...hmmm so why do I feel guilty if I think I was right? ha ha ha ha see what a mess I make in my head! I am so grateful for the relationship with Drewy my older one or I might think I am insane. ok ok enough!!
So this afternoon a couple of things happened. Everardo put a long strip of carpet over that exposed wood under the window in the bedroom. Wow small thing making a huge difference. Then the big thing happened. We took the loveseat that was on the porch and put it in the truck to give it away. We drove to the next town, went into an area we knew was struggling - I mean really struggling- and drove out this dirt road that got worse as we drove. The houses got smaller, some just shacks, and we saw this couple with a baby walking down the road. We gave them a ride home, which was really far, and gave them the couch. The road in some places was barely passable...I know in the rain impossible to get thru. Luckily we were in the truck and still bouncing around in the ruts. I saw a woman washing her dishes outside, and another family cooking outside. These people have no heat. I'm betting they have no hot water. They do not live near the beach. This was inland from us, then out in between some hills, some places on the hillsides, a couple of roads we were on I was actually kinda scared we'd slide off the road. But every day life was going on. Kids were playing outside, people were talking or hanging up laundry or cooking....I don't think they ever even had any of the choices I was thinking about....like where to live, where to work, carpeting....should I walk on the beach or by the estuary....I was so...humbled. I know all this. I've been living in Mexico more than 2 years. I know there are places like this in the US- maybe not as many...and maybe not the quiet desperation or resignation....(it pisses me off in the states because there's no good reason for people going hungry beyond greed and politics). But here in Mexico- there's just so much of it, and maybe I forgot, or maybe I am so self centered I stopped thinking about others. But maybe I will give myself a break because I am also doing the best I can....family dynamics like long lost children, my messed up relationship with my own daughter, the mess I made of the relationship with my ex who is my kid's father...see I am rambling because I am still mixed up- about everything. But this I know:
But this I know: I am so grateful for my life. For my little trailer on the beach, for my puppy dogs, for my amazing husband, for my daughters, for his daughters, for my big sister and brother and their spouses...even for my younger sister- who we don't speak to each other and right now she can bite me- but I'm sure it's a lesson for another day ha ha. Bottom line is I am still not sure about my decision to keep living here because of how much I miss my older daughter and being part of her family's life. But really- that's the only thing. Everything else is just birds in the air. I have a beautiful life. Yep it's cold...in EVERYBODY's house. I am blessed with warm blankets. Soon it will be warm again and I will not need anything besides my flip flops and tshirts...
I have a problem with the grass being greener on the other side. And honestly- the grass is perfect right here under my feet. I need to stick to my own plans. I made a year health commitment to myself which ends March 31. That has to do with the way I eat and exercise. Stick to it. We have a house in southern Mexico we are trying to sell and just came up with a new plan about that- give it some time. Let go of having to be fluent...maybe I will and maybe I won't. Go back and follow up on the leads I have for teaching and volunteering. I joined the meditation group and the study of a particular book- finish it. Put one foot in front of the other.
Maybe I should go back to making a gratitude list every day. I am feeling much better. Partly from this writing. Partly from something else that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, but I am pretty anonymous here and nobody around here reads this. There was another reason for our drive to the next town this afternoon. Last week we bought some hooded jackets for kids...just a few, 5 of them. I told my daughters, and Everardo's daughter up north, oh and our renters, that instead of sending them Christmas gifts we would be giving a kid a warm jacket in their names. They all liked the idea very much. Well I wrapped them and then we didn't give them away until today. After we gave away the couch we were way out in the hills, and on the way back in we saw a woman washing dishes on the side of her house and we asked if she had any kids. Her husband came out with a little girl about 3 years old and we gave her a gift bag with a jacket in it. We asked them if they knew other families with little kids and they pointed. We said Feliz Navidad...and off we went. We found another family with 2 kids in the yard, we handed the bags and left, then another single child, then a yard with 2. The kids were all very excited to get a gift bad with candy canes hanging on them and garland wrapped around them...the parents smiled and we just said Feliz Navidad and drove away before they looked inside. Now on the way over there, something happened under the truck and the muffler got messed up so the truck was loud and covered in mud, so we fit in pretty good ha ha, and so when we stopped and handed out a bag, it was received with surprise so that was pretty cool. Ok honestly- IT WAS AWESOME!! We did not stick around and talk to anyone...we didn't want that, we just wanted to help in some small way...but actually I wish we woulda had 100 jackets and not just 5. Maybe next year. Maybe we when see stuff on sale thoughout the year we can collect it.
Of course there are groups who do this stuff here, they ask for donations and I am sure they help alot of people. We just didn't want to be part of something publicized...and Everardo thought that they probably went to the same places every year...maybe not- but we just decided to do something on our own. Now next Sunday I am invited by a woman I am getting to know who I like and respect, to help hand out winter supplies...I think like blankets in another area close to where we were today. I don't know who she's doing it with or how it works, but she said they needed help distributing the stuff. So I thanked her for asking me and I will go with her. I'll be sure and write about what happened afterwards.
Lastly I want to say the other thing that helps me feel better whenever I get "lost" is asking the universe for guidance. Now I know I've written about this before. Because way back when we first got to Mexico and I was feeling so isolated, so lost down south, I started asking for guidance and I started to feel better. When I put it out to the universe, praying I guess, I always feel better. I know the answers will come if I can be quiet and listen, if I stop trying to force myself to "know" what to do next. When I stop trying to control everything. I have been praying for a couple of days now, asking the universe to guide my path. I know I will be ok.
So our Christmas was quiet. I got a nice warm bathrobe and a really soft thick blanket for watching tv or sitting here on my laptop. I gave him some shorts (brrrr) and some running shoes. The shoes are too small so I need to go back to the states to exchange them, and today I found someone who goes all the time! So I may get to go sometime and soon. Yipee cause I know he wants to start exercising at the start of the new year...and I want to buy some shoes for me. Since moving to Mexico my feet have gotten bigger- well at least wider, because I only wear flipflops almost year round, and tennis shoes for exercise, so all the shoes I brought with me are too tight. Crossing the border here sucks- which is really a shame since over in Penasco it takes about 3 minutes to cross and I never even thought about it here. But it's so crazy I am intimidated by it. I have crossed 3 times, twice for the airport and once for the shopping spree where I bought his shoes...and it's been different all 3 times. Once at Tecate which is easier, but you have to have a car because it's kinda nowhere, once walking in Tijuana and once driving in Tijuana and both of those were so chaotic. So many people. So to find someone who goes all the time and who is happy to go...well yipee. So maybe today was my lucky day after all....got humbled when I needed it, found a ride to the states, and have started to feel the relief that comes with asking for guidance. Well it's Sunday nite and tomorrow back to my exercise/eating regiment (which I kinda blew off this week for the first time since I started in April) and remembering our plans. I think if I talk to the universe every day, exercise, eat right, and am grateful...I will leave 2014 in very good shape...physically, mentally and spiritually...and really, what else could I possibly ask for? Viva!
He got to meet his grandson, who is a doll. A smart funny adorable kid. 9 years old. His mom was very nice as well, but of course it was a little weird, like having a guest you don't know very well, but in a very small environment so we were all together all the time. I tried to give them some time, and also tried to spend time with Oz, his grandson so Everardo and his daughter could get to know each other. They arrived about 10 at nite on Monday before Christmas and left late afternoon Christmas Eve. On Monday we went to Ensenada to get presents as well as immigration to find out about her getting dual citizenship. We didn't know what time they'd arrive and were nervous all day. Of course it all went fine...but not perfectly....of course. I know my husband wanted it to be perfect, wanted....well it was his child..and his grandchild. Nothing bad happened...just all the emotions that he went thru, and me as well, wanting him to be happy, etc. She's 30 years old after all. After they left he had alot of emotions. Some he didn't tell me about at first. He was filled with love, guilt, happiness, sadness, did I say guilt? I said the wrong things in some cases...some things I said he had already said himself, but when I said them he got mad. I am not as detailed here as I usually am because this is about his child and his life, and not sure what I should say or not say. So I guess I will try to just talk about my feelings. I should have kept some of my opinions to myself. I should have let him talk and talk and feel and think without offering advice or opinions. I could have been better. We are ok now...but yesterday we had an arguement and I left for a couple of hours. I took a drive and sat in the truck on a cliff overlooking the ocean for a couple of hours. I did some talking to the universe, I actually went thru all the store receipts I had in my purse for the budget we try to keep so we can see what we're doing...I even tried to read for a few minutes after I wasn't mad anymore.
We have come a long way as far as arguments go. We don't have too many these days, and now when we do, one of us usually takes a walk or a drive to give ourselves space for a little while, then later we can talk. But this time I let myself become overwhelmed. What am I doing in Mexico? I am in control of nothing. I don't pay the bills, I don't argue with the cable company or the telephone company when things go wrong. I am not as independent in many ways as I used to be. But actually in other ways I am! I live in another country and figure out what I need and what I can get along without...which is alot ha ha! I am struggling with my weight loss...or lack of this month, I am not fluent in Spanish...and frustrated with trying to find a way or a place to be in service...even though now I've talked to a guy who says he can fix me up to teach English, and I found the women's rehab, but haven't been able to connect with anyone there yet either. So I think- what am I doing? I miss my daughters...so I got into a funk. I started thinking about going back to northern Calif. I even looked at Craigslist for jobs and rentals! But really? Working full time again???aarrgghh I don't want to do that! And rents are high, not to mention everything that goes with it....car insurance, electric bills, (which here both are soooo cheap). Dogs on leashes ha ha. Ok so all this is jus what I let into my head at once....a tempest in a teapot. I make myself miserable. I feel guilty not living closer to my older daughter. I feel guilty that I don't miss the younger one as much- then that's a whole other story about feeling guilty that she chose not to be in my life while she was a teenager- should I have forced her? I believe that as she gets a little older we will have a relationship as close as with the older one, but is that really true? Am I jealous of her father? Yeah a little but what could I have done to compete with him? I did what I thought was right- and I still think was right...hmmm so why do I feel guilty if I think I was right? ha ha ha ha see what a mess I make in my head! I am so grateful for the relationship with Drewy my older one or I might think I am insane. ok ok enough!!
So this afternoon a couple of things happened. Everardo put a long strip of carpet over that exposed wood under the window in the bedroom. Wow small thing making a huge difference. Then the big thing happened. We took the loveseat that was on the porch and put it in the truck to give it away. We drove to the next town, went into an area we knew was struggling - I mean really struggling- and drove out this dirt road that got worse as we drove. The houses got smaller, some just shacks, and we saw this couple with a baby walking down the road. We gave them a ride home, which was really far, and gave them the couch. The road in some places was barely passable...I know in the rain impossible to get thru. Luckily we were in the truck and still bouncing around in the ruts. I saw a woman washing her dishes outside, and another family cooking outside. These people have no heat. I'm betting they have no hot water. They do not live near the beach. This was inland from us, then out in between some hills, some places on the hillsides, a couple of roads we were on I was actually kinda scared we'd slide off the road. But every day life was going on. Kids were playing outside, people were talking or hanging up laundry or cooking....I don't think they ever even had any of the choices I was thinking about....like where to live, where to work, carpeting....should I walk on the beach or by the estuary....I was so...humbled. I know all this. I've been living in Mexico more than 2 years. I know there are places like this in the US- maybe not as many...and maybe not the quiet desperation or resignation....(it pisses me off in the states because there's no good reason for people going hungry beyond greed and politics). But here in Mexico- there's just so much of it, and maybe I forgot, or maybe I am so self centered I stopped thinking about others. But maybe I will give myself a break because I am also doing the best I can....family dynamics like long lost children, my messed up relationship with my own daughter, the mess I made of the relationship with my ex who is my kid's father...see I am rambling because I am still mixed up- about everything. But this I know:
But this I know: I am so grateful for my life. For my little trailer on the beach, for my puppy dogs, for my amazing husband, for my daughters, for his daughters, for my big sister and brother and their spouses...even for my younger sister- who we don't speak to each other and right now she can bite me- but I'm sure it's a lesson for another day ha ha. Bottom line is I am still not sure about my decision to keep living here because of how much I miss my older daughter and being part of her family's life. But really- that's the only thing. Everything else is just birds in the air. I have a beautiful life. Yep it's cold...in EVERYBODY's house. I am blessed with warm blankets. Soon it will be warm again and I will not need anything besides my flip flops and tshirts...
I have a problem with the grass being greener on the other side. And honestly- the grass is perfect right here under my feet. I need to stick to my own plans. I made a year health commitment to myself which ends March 31. That has to do with the way I eat and exercise. Stick to it. We have a house in southern Mexico we are trying to sell and just came up with a new plan about that- give it some time. Let go of having to be fluent...maybe I will and maybe I won't. Go back and follow up on the leads I have for teaching and volunteering. I joined the meditation group and the study of a particular book- finish it. Put one foot in front of the other.
Maybe I should go back to making a gratitude list every day. I am feeling much better. Partly from this writing. Partly from something else that I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about, but I am pretty anonymous here and nobody around here reads this. There was another reason for our drive to the next town this afternoon. Last week we bought some hooded jackets for kids...just a few, 5 of them. I told my daughters, and Everardo's daughter up north, oh and our renters, that instead of sending them Christmas gifts we would be giving a kid a warm jacket in their names. They all liked the idea very much. Well I wrapped them and then we didn't give them away until today. After we gave away the couch we were way out in the hills, and on the way back in we saw a woman washing dishes on the side of her house and we asked if she had any kids. Her husband came out with a little girl about 3 years old and we gave her a gift bag with a jacket in it. We asked them if they knew other families with little kids and they pointed. We said Feliz Navidad...and off we went. We found another family with 2 kids in the yard, we handed the bags and left, then another single child, then a yard with 2. The kids were all very excited to get a gift bad with candy canes hanging on them and garland wrapped around them...the parents smiled and we just said Feliz Navidad and drove away before they looked inside. Now on the way over there, something happened under the truck and the muffler got messed up so the truck was loud and covered in mud, so we fit in pretty good ha ha, and so when we stopped and handed out a bag, it was received with surprise so that was pretty cool. Ok honestly- IT WAS AWESOME!! We did not stick around and talk to anyone...we didn't want that, we just wanted to help in some small way...but actually I wish we woulda had 100 jackets and not just 5. Maybe next year. Maybe we when see stuff on sale thoughout the year we can collect it.
Of course there are groups who do this stuff here, they ask for donations and I am sure they help alot of people. We just didn't want to be part of something publicized...and Everardo thought that they probably went to the same places every year...maybe not- but we just decided to do something on our own. Now next Sunday I am invited by a woman I am getting to know who I like and respect, to help hand out winter supplies...I think like blankets in another area close to where we were today. I don't know who she's doing it with or how it works, but she said they needed help distributing the stuff. So I thanked her for asking me and I will go with her. I'll be sure and write about what happened afterwards.
Lastly I want to say the other thing that helps me feel better whenever I get "lost" is asking the universe for guidance. Now I know I've written about this before. Because way back when we first got to Mexico and I was feeling so isolated, so lost down south, I started asking for guidance and I started to feel better. When I put it out to the universe, praying I guess, I always feel better. I know the answers will come if I can be quiet and listen, if I stop trying to force myself to "know" what to do next. When I stop trying to control everything. I have been praying for a couple of days now, asking the universe to guide my path. I know I will be ok.
So our Christmas was quiet. I got a nice warm bathrobe and a really soft thick blanket for watching tv or sitting here on my laptop. I gave him some shorts (brrrr) and some running shoes. The shoes are too small so I need to go back to the states to exchange them, and today I found someone who goes all the time! So I may get to go sometime and soon. Yipee cause I know he wants to start exercising at the start of the new year...and I want to buy some shoes for me. Since moving to Mexico my feet have gotten bigger- well at least wider, because I only wear flipflops almost year round, and tennis shoes for exercise, so all the shoes I brought with me are too tight. Crossing the border here sucks- which is really a shame since over in Penasco it takes about 3 minutes to cross and I never even thought about it here. But it's so crazy I am intimidated by it. I have crossed 3 times, twice for the airport and once for the shopping spree where I bought his shoes...and it's been different all 3 times. Once at Tecate which is easier, but you have to have a car because it's kinda nowhere, once walking in Tijuana and once driving in Tijuana and both of those were so chaotic. So many people. So to find someone who goes all the time and who is happy to go...well yipee. So maybe today was my lucky day after all....got humbled when I needed it, found a ride to the states, and have started to feel the relief that comes with asking for guidance. Well it's Sunday nite and tomorrow back to my exercise/eating regiment (which I kinda blew off this week for the first time since I started in April) and remembering our plans. I think if I talk to the universe every day, exercise, eat right, and am grateful...I will leave 2014 in very good shape...physically, mentally and spiritually...and really, what else could I possibly ask for? Viva!
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