Monday Sept 10, 2012. My Mom died one year ago today. I miss her. I have dreamed about her a lot since I moved here to Mexico. All the dreams are positive, smiling, happy; somehow I know she is happy for me going on this new adventure. We are a traveling family. As kids we always went camping, all over Calif and the western states. But as adults we've all done a lot of traveling, sometimes for work sometimes for pleasure. And my Mom did a lot of traveling by herself after my dad died. He died so early, age 59. I was in my early 20's. Mom was 58. But she picked herself up and dusted herself off. And started her new life. My sister was living in Australia at the time, (another traveler), and Mom went to Australia and New Zealand. I think on her own. Then she went to Kenya, with a group, and lots of places. When I finally graduated college at the ripe old age of 35, she bought me a ticket to go to Africa! I went by myself, leaving a husband and 2 kids at home, but I had a brother in law who was building roads in Mozambique, and I went to him. Then we went with another family and drove to South Africa to the Kruger- a wild animal reserve. Very cool trip. Thanx Mom! She went to Mexico, Central America (I think- or maybe it was Puerto Rico...), Europe. I know a year before my Dad died they went to England together. I had this weird resentment against England after he died, like I decided that's where he got sick. He died of cancer, a young man. Goodbye Mommy. I miss you and love you. It was a full moon that nite last year. For about 6 months after I cried at every full moon. Now not so much.

I spoke to one of my sisters on the phone on Saturday and we talked about it. I talked to the other sister in email. I should probly call my brother, but I'm gonna see him in 10 days and maybe we can talk then. We cried and laughed and cried again thru it. Mom was ready I think. She also came up with Captain Jack. I guess we'll never know who Capt Jack was/is....was he totally real, bits and pieces of different people, a dream, a lost love, a fantasy? Well she had us laughing so hard about Capt Jack.

I know I got my love of travel from my parents. I came to Mexico the first time in my 20's, to Tijuana, to party of course- but now I'm thinking- did we come once as a family when we were little kids? I'll have to ask everybody. Then I came back twice in my 30's for work, and I loved it. I went to Zona Rosa toshop, the museum in DF and saw the Aztec calendar, & I took a bus out to a pyramid site. Then more years went by and I came ...), Europe. I know a year before my Dad died they went to England together. I had this weird resentment against England after he died, like I decided that's where he got sick. He died of cancer, a young man. Goodbye Mommy. I miss you and love you. It was a full moon that nite last year. For about 6 months after I cried at every full moon. Now not so much.

I spoke to one of my sisters on the phone on Saturday and we talked about it. I talked to the other sister in email. I should probly call my brother, but I'm gonna see him in 10 days and maybe we can talk then. We cried and laughed and cried again thru it. Mom was ready I think. She also came up with Captain Jack. I guess we'll never know who Capt Jack was/is....was he totally real, bits and pieces of different people, a dream, a lost love, a fantasy? Well she had us laughing so hard about Capt Jack.

I know I got my love of travel from my parents. I came to Mexico the first time in my 20's, to Tijuana, to party of course- but now I'm thinking- did we come once as a family when we were little kids? I'll have to ask everybody. Then I came back twice in my 30's for work, and I loved it. I went to Zona Rosa toshop, the museum in DF and saw the Aztec calendar, & I took a bus out to a pyramid site. Then more years went by and I came by myself to the Yucatan for a week. Went to Chitzenitza. (yeah bad spelling), and the place with the pink flamingos- they were so cool- and another pyramid site, Dizbilchaltun- in this place I swear I had a spiritual experience; I was walking in this tour (in Spanish so I was only listening a little), and my eyes were closed on this dirt path. Then- I could feel those who had come before, the workers come to build the pyramids, the women bringing food and little kids playing alongside. It was amazing! I just felt them flow thru me. And ha ha- nobody else on this tour spoke English so I couldn't even tell anyone...later that afternoon in another area of the same site, I sat quietly on this huge rock and they came to me again, I could feel them flowing around me and thru me. 

Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, or again. But I've always wanted to go to Rome and walk on 2 thousand year old roads, maybe I'll feel it again- and I also want to go to the Bridge of the Last Sigh in Italy, where people being taken to the dungeon would walk over this little bridge to the tower, and sigh as they see the sun for the last time. Will I feel it there? I don't know, but I do know I have felt my spirituality they strongest here in Mexico.

Couple of years after that I came to San Miguel Allende for three weeks to a Spanish immersion school. But when I came to visit Playa Ventura, I knew I was home. I loved all the other areas of Mexico I visited; altho' Mexico City is kinda too much for me ha ha. But when I got here I just knew it's where my heart was. I had felt that in the Redwoods of northern Calif, and I still feel it- but only to visit- it's just not warm enough there. But here ha ha warm? Hot, all the time, even when it's raining. Although we'll see in the next few months as the rainy season dwindles. Ha ha did I say dwindles? It has rained more in the 10 days of Sept than June July or August.

Oh and this date marks 3 months of being here. The truth is as much as I love being here, as much as I love the ocean, the climate, the adventure, it has also been the 3 hardest months of my life in some ways. Maybe not as hard as going thru breast cancer, thru chemo, but isolating, tiring, frustrating, scary. On days when I don't do much, I'm still exhausted from trying to understand what people are saying, or the tv is saying, or what's going on. My husband tries so hard, but sometimes I hate that I don't know what's being talked about and I feel left out. I know I know I know it takes time. Maybe today cause I'm filled with sadness of missing my mom, I'm just more sensitive. Cause when I start feeling all those negative feelings, I usually go for a walk, or talk about it, or jump in the sea, but I always start to feel better. And I know my Spanish is getting better; 3 more months and I'll be much better.

Plus the ocean will be nice again. Yesterday we went and played and sat in those pools in front of the rocks again for so long that I got sunburned on my face and shoulders. Of course then it rained all nite and is gray today. But it was so soothing and refreshing. I said- oh yeah this is why I love it here. When I can walk on the beach AND go in the water every day, well that's therapy enough for me! Of course I have my online AA meetings and the Spanish meetings too, altho' haven't been going back to the nite meetings that much, they don't get over until 10, and even though we're always up at that time, it's just more comfortable to be home at that time. This is also therapy for me. I was so sad when I started writing, but I'm feeling much better. I think it's walk on the beach time even if I can't go in the water- it's much choppier than yesterday...oh well, the calm ocean is just around the corner....so for today, I am ok. I love you Mommy. I know you're close cause I always have you in my heart.