So this post is kinda dear diary, I need to get out what's in my mind and how I've been dealing with it. I am so so so so happy about where we moved to; where we are right now. This is the smallest place I've ever lived in, including when I first moved out from home at 18 into a house with 3 other women and I had the old sun porch (I guess you'd call it) as my bedroom. But being next to the ocean is great! We are not facing the ocean; there's another house before the beach, but I think I shared already that it's a one room studio on stilts (ok cement posts) so it's only on the second floor. But out our backside is a covered garage with a big old beat up van that I think says "Mobile windshield wipers" or something like that. So the breeze off the surf does not blow right into us like in Playa Ventura. Well and this is also a bay, so there are not huge crashing waves, but I noticed yesterday at 5PM driving the truck into the sun, that the windshield needed to be cleaned from the - well it's like soot only from salty spray.
But the important thing here is that I get up, pee & brush my teeth, get a cup of coffee and walk out to the top of the path down to the beach. The dogs know now that this is my ritual. They are giving me big eyes every morning as soon as I emerge from the bedroom and signalling me " now? now? are we going now? how about now?" etc etc etc
Don't get me wrong, I love the place, too. It's really starting to look homey. The painting is closer to done than not, most of the artwork is up, family photos have their own wall. We shopped in the segundas and found furniture that fits us. It's all good. Oh the dogs don't have to be on leashes- ever! We do have a small yard and when we leave, we close the gate, and during the nite we have the gate closed, but they have the run of the area. They stay close; Sam is teaching Hazel not to wander too far. They are so happy, in the mornings when Sam is tired from chasing the ball down to the beach he just lays down with it but his tail keeps on waggin'.
And that's what I mean- it's all good! I feel good, I'm happy. not stressing over anything (wow is that true?) and it just feels right here. Now of course I do have things that get to me, that cause stress. My younger daughter for instance; her not communicating with me in any form- phone, email, facebook msg, telepathy...nothing. This hurts me, breaks my heart, but the truth is, this is old news. OLD NEWS. As in years! So why do I continue to get resentments, to be hurt, to be angry, to try to justify things? The only person affected by all this negative emotion is me. Negatively. I have been working on acceptance for along time now, well over a year. Not just of her, but of life around me, the things I cannot change, yeah the serenity prayer right? The only thing I can change is my attitude. I have a younger sister who also basically ignores me and in learning to let that go I think it's helping me with my kid.
Down in Playa Ventura I talked to the universe every day sitting on my rock at the edge of the ocean. In those 6 months my spiritual connection really grew, strengthened. I learned to ask for guidance, and you know what? IT WORKS!! I could be centered, completely at one with myself and the universe...even if it was only for those few minutes I was out on my rock. I became a spiritual person as a result of becoming a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact I am days away from my 13th sobriety birthday. But 13 years ago when I came into the program I had no spirituality, and the God I grew up with was not one I believed in anymore. Well in the 12 steps you are asked to concede that maybe (just maybe) there's a power greater than yourself. Please! As I talked about it with a woman who helped me thru the steps, I came to see just how many things were a power greater than me ha ha.....electricity, science, my boss...the point is to see that we are not alone, and that maybe with help we could begin to recover. For me, at first an AA meeting I was in was my higher power. When I was with them, I didn't drink. I started to feel connected to them. Then slowly, over time I began to see I was connected to people out side the meetings rooms. Then I could see how I was connected to all living things, and then added in everything, wind, the sun, etc. This took a long time, but it was continuous growth for me. I know I am connected to everyone and everything and I strive to make my contribution positive. I don't understand how the connection works or "what it means" and that's ok too. I just know how I feel when I do the right thing for the right reason. The steps also invite you to take a personal inventory of yourself, then decide what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind. Much of what I wanted (and still want) to leave behind is emotions. These are my character defects. Fear, anger, selfishness, resentment, pettiness, etc. Did I say fear?
For me, when I look, really look at something that I'm angry about, or resentful about, I can always trace it back to fear. Every negative emotion I have I can trace back to fear. Fear that I won't get something I believe I need, or want. Fear that you won't love me. Fear that I really am bad....It's always fear of something. So...I do not want to have fear in my life (other than healthy fear like swimming with sharks or touching a hot stove). So when I am on my rock, or now when I am sitting in my chair looking at the ocean, I try to feel what's going on with me. How did my day go yesterday? Was I mad at anyone or about anything? Was I selfish? Did I snap at my husband or was I mean to my doggys? I need to make amends for those things, but I need to look inside myself and ask why was I like that? What's going on?
When I sit down with my coffee I say a prayer I made up 13 years ago. At the end of most of the AA meetings they stand up and say the "Our Father" (I like the meetings that recite the serenity prayer), but after a while I started reciting the Our Father because I was being "a part of". The group said it together so I said it. But it means nothing to me. Zero. When I was a kid we went to the Catholic church and I probly said that prayer a million times. So it became rote. Like " la la la la la la la la la" Well I needed something, so I thought about the words and I made up my own words for what I thought the prayer was about. I still say that prayer every day. Sometimes it helps me fall asleep. In Playa Ventura, on my rock, I would say the prayer out loud (oh all my rock and chair talking to the universe it out loud. I need to say the words out loud.) So I would say the words, and then just pick a line and sort of talk about it. It would help me to see how I was feeling. One of the lines is "Pls give me each day my spiritual nourishment"...and some days I can see that my spiritual nourishment is everywhere. It's at my feet, it's in the fresh air, in my husband's eyes, in my daughters voices. Then I can be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I have gotten better at this knowing of myself and most days I say the words but already have an idea about what I need to talk about.
So I have been doing it here, just for the past 16 days, every day since we've been in this house. I did walk along with the dogs on the beach and talk to the universe at the other house here, but not consistently, not in a special place. In Penasco I mostly did it in the car. Sometimes in the park when I took Sam down there, and that was peaceful. But this place, it clicked immediately that this place had a special place, and so it began again. I know now, in a BIG way, that no matter where we are- meaning if/when we ever move from here- I MUST find a place that it feels right to have my conversations on a regular basis with my higher power, with the universe. The change in me is HUGE HUGE HUGE...and Everardo can see I am happy, much more serene....well to be fair the past 3 months had been a weird nightmare of being in the area we wanted, but totally in the wrong (read: evil) spot. But I am calmer, and I have been asking for guidance....and getting it. I can talk about anything and explore way out there ideas and somehow come back to center after awhile. Sam & Hazel are close, I have a ball chucker and I can throw the ball down onto the beach and they chase, and sniff and explore. I have my coffee and my binoculars, and I sit..
A couple of days ago I concentrated on a line of my prayer, and I don't think I ever thought about this one before. It's the last line and it goes " Pls guide my path that I might always walk in the sunlight of the spirit" What does that mean? I always ask for guidance with my problems, but what is walk in sunlight of the spirit? Yeah I made up the prayer but I did not make up those words 'sunlight of the spirit'....So I started talking about how would I do that walk. And I came up with well I would be free of resentment, of anger, of fear. Ha! I'm back to acceptance. Where my sister is concerned it's a little easier but still hurt a little. But I do know it's on me for continuing to try and then to continue to be resentful or hurt. She is who she is, and actually, what she thinks is not my business. I have to do what's right for me. And if I want to keep reaching out, then I cannot be married to the results. Wanting to reach out is for me. The reply or non reply is on her. And again, not my business.
With my daughter is a little harder. But it shouldn't be. She's an adult. She'll be 21 in a couple of months. What she thinks is not my business. But it really hurts, I mean can just drag me down into a hole. But it has been this way for years- probly 7 or 8 years, since I divorced her dad. She always chose him. He's a good man, but he spoiled her and as far a I know, continues to spoil her and it's really not good for her. So I stood up for what I believed is right, and sometimes think- yeah and now you don't even know your daughter. OK no more regrets- that's for sure. I cannot change anything that's happened in the past. I know I did the best I could. And when I'm with her, she loves me, we have closeness, the love of a mother and child. The kind I have all the time with my older daughter, Drewy. I miss them for different reasons. Drewy I miss because we talk almost every day. On the phone and on facebook private msg. I know what's going on with her life and she knows about mine. So I miss hugging her and breathing her in. Halla I miss because I don't know her. I love her. I know she's smart and funny and passionate and strong. But I know nothing about how she feels, how is school? your job? the new place you moved into with your dad and his new wife? Ouch how quickly I start to feel sorry for myself! The resentment!! This is what I have to let go of to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. I love my child and that's it. When she wants to have a relationship with me I will be here. I had been anxting about her only calling me to ask for something...and you know what? Why am I worrying, being resentful (like I don't even hear from you until you want something), why am I future tripping? If something like that happens I can deal with it then. And that's another big thing for me. It's ok to think things over. I don't have to have an answer for things, to anyone, right that second. I can always take time to think about how I feel.
So I'm excited about thinking about how all these things seem to circle around and meet back up with each other. All the negative things have a circle and all the positive things have a circle. I wish both my daughters would come visit me, both of them, and probly only Drewy will come. It's funny, we're so close now...a long day's drive, ok day and a half.....It feels good to have gotten all this out, not sure how much sense it made, but it's kinda like when I talk out loud to the universe, I feel better.
So- Poppi wants to watch that movie "12 Years a Slave" so gotta go. Viva
But the important thing here is that I get up, pee & brush my teeth, get a cup of coffee and walk out to the top of the path down to the beach. The dogs know now that this is my ritual. They are giving me big eyes every morning as soon as I emerge from the bedroom and signalling me " now? now? are we going now? how about now?" etc etc etc
Don't get me wrong, I love the place, too. It's really starting to look homey. The painting is closer to done than not, most of the artwork is up, family photos have their own wall. We shopped in the segundas and found furniture that fits us. It's all good. Oh the dogs don't have to be on leashes- ever! We do have a small yard and when we leave, we close the gate, and during the nite we have the gate closed, but they have the run of the area. They stay close; Sam is teaching Hazel not to wander too far. They are so happy, in the mornings when Sam is tired from chasing the ball down to the beach he just lays down with it but his tail keeps on waggin'.
And that's what I mean- it's all good! I feel good, I'm happy. not stressing over anything (wow is that true?) and it just feels right here. Now of course I do have things that get to me, that cause stress. My younger daughter for instance; her not communicating with me in any form- phone, email, facebook msg, telepathy...nothing. This hurts me, breaks my heart, but the truth is, this is old news. OLD NEWS. As in years! So why do I continue to get resentments, to be hurt, to be angry, to try to justify things? The only person affected by all this negative emotion is me. Negatively. I have been working on acceptance for along time now, well over a year. Not just of her, but of life around me, the things I cannot change, yeah the serenity prayer right? The only thing I can change is my attitude. I have a younger sister who also basically ignores me and in learning to let that go I think it's helping me with my kid.
Down in Playa Ventura I talked to the universe every day sitting on my rock at the edge of the ocean. In those 6 months my spiritual connection really grew, strengthened. I learned to ask for guidance, and you know what? IT WORKS!! I could be centered, completely at one with myself and the universe...even if it was only for those few minutes I was out on my rock. I became a spiritual person as a result of becoming a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact I am days away from my 13th sobriety birthday. But 13 years ago when I came into the program I had no spirituality, and the God I grew up with was not one I believed in anymore. Well in the 12 steps you are asked to concede that maybe (just maybe) there's a power greater than yourself. Please! As I talked about it with a woman who helped me thru the steps, I came to see just how many things were a power greater than me ha ha.....electricity, science, my boss...the point is to see that we are not alone, and that maybe with help we could begin to recover. For me, at first an AA meeting I was in was my higher power. When I was with them, I didn't drink. I started to feel connected to them. Then slowly, over time I began to see I was connected to people out side the meetings rooms. Then I could see how I was connected to all living things, and then added in everything, wind, the sun, etc. This took a long time, but it was continuous growth for me. I know I am connected to everyone and everything and I strive to make my contribution positive. I don't understand how the connection works or "what it means" and that's ok too. I just know how I feel when I do the right thing for the right reason. The steps also invite you to take a personal inventory of yourself, then decide what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind. Much of what I wanted (and still want) to leave behind is emotions. These are my character defects. Fear, anger, selfishness, resentment, pettiness, etc. Did I say fear?
For me, when I look, really look at something that I'm angry about, or resentful about, I can always trace it back to fear. Every negative emotion I have I can trace back to fear. Fear that I won't get something I believe I need, or want. Fear that you won't love me. Fear that I really am bad....It's always fear of something. So...I do not want to have fear in my life (other than healthy fear like swimming with sharks or touching a hot stove). So when I am on my rock, or now when I am sitting in my chair looking at the ocean, I try to feel what's going on with me. How did my day go yesterday? Was I mad at anyone or about anything? Was I selfish? Did I snap at my husband or was I mean to my doggys? I need to make amends for those things, but I need to look inside myself and ask why was I like that? What's going on?
When I sit down with my coffee I say a prayer I made up 13 years ago. At the end of most of the AA meetings they stand up and say the "Our Father" (I like the meetings that recite the serenity prayer), but after a while I started reciting the Our Father because I was being "a part of". The group said it together so I said it. But it means nothing to me. Zero. When I was a kid we went to the Catholic church and I probly said that prayer a million times. So it became rote. Like " la la la la la la la la la" Well I needed something, so I thought about the words and I made up my own words for what I thought the prayer was about. I still say that prayer every day. Sometimes it helps me fall asleep. In Playa Ventura, on my rock, I would say the prayer out loud (oh all my rock and chair talking to the universe it out loud. I need to say the words out loud.) So I would say the words, and then just pick a line and sort of talk about it. It would help me to see how I was feeling. One of the lines is "Pls give me each day my spiritual nourishment"...and some days I can see that my spiritual nourishment is everywhere. It's at my feet, it's in the fresh air, in my husband's eyes, in my daughters voices. Then I can be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I have gotten better at this knowing of myself and most days I say the words but already have an idea about what I need to talk about.
So I have been doing it here, just for the past 16 days, every day since we've been in this house. I did walk along with the dogs on the beach and talk to the universe at the other house here, but not consistently, not in a special place. In Penasco I mostly did it in the car. Sometimes in the park when I took Sam down there, and that was peaceful. But this place, it clicked immediately that this place had a special place, and so it began again. I know now, in a BIG way, that no matter where we are- meaning if/when we ever move from here- I MUST find a place that it feels right to have my conversations on a regular basis with my higher power, with the universe. The change in me is HUGE HUGE HUGE...and Everardo can see I am happy, much more serene....well to be fair the past 3 months had been a weird nightmare of being in the area we wanted, but totally in the wrong (read: evil) spot. But I am calmer, and I have been asking for guidance....and getting it. I can talk about anything and explore way out there ideas and somehow come back to center after awhile. Sam & Hazel are close, I have a ball chucker and I can throw the ball down onto the beach and they chase, and sniff and explore. I have my coffee and my binoculars, and I sit..
A couple of days ago I concentrated on a line of my prayer, and I don't think I ever thought about this one before. It's the last line and it goes " Pls guide my path that I might always walk in the sunlight of the spirit" What does that mean? I always ask for guidance with my problems, but what is walk in sunlight of the spirit? Yeah I made up the prayer but I did not make up those words 'sunlight of the spirit'....So I started talking about how would I do that walk. And I came up with well I would be free of resentment, of anger, of fear. Ha! I'm back to acceptance. Where my sister is concerned it's a little easier but still hurt a little. But I do know it's on me for continuing to try and then to continue to be resentful or hurt. She is who she is, and actually, what she thinks is not my business. I have to do what's right for me. And if I want to keep reaching out, then I cannot be married to the results. Wanting to reach out is for me. The reply or non reply is on her. And again, not my business.
With my daughter is a little harder. But it shouldn't be. She's an adult. She'll be 21 in a couple of months. What she thinks is not my business. But it really hurts, I mean can just drag me down into a hole. But it has been this way for years- probly 7 or 8 years, since I divorced her dad. She always chose him. He's a good man, but he spoiled her and as far a I know, continues to spoil her and it's really not good for her. So I stood up for what I believed is right, and sometimes think- yeah and now you don't even know your daughter. OK no more regrets- that's for sure. I cannot change anything that's happened in the past. I know I did the best I could. And when I'm with her, she loves me, we have closeness, the love of a mother and child. The kind I have all the time with my older daughter, Drewy. I miss them for different reasons. Drewy I miss because we talk almost every day. On the phone and on facebook private msg. I know what's going on with her life and she knows about mine. So I miss hugging her and breathing her in. Halla I miss because I don't know her. I love her. I know she's smart and funny and passionate and strong. But I know nothing about how she feels, how is school? your job? the new place you moved into with your dad and his new wife? Ouch how quickly I start to feel sorry for myself! The resentment!! This is what I have to let go of to walk in the sunlight of the spirit. I love my child and that's it. When she wants to have a relationship with me I will be here. I had been anxting about her only calling me to ask for something...and you know what? Why am I worrying, being resentful (like I don't even hear from you until you want something), why am I future tripping? If something like that happens I can deal with it then. And that's another big thing for me. It's ok to think things over. I don't have to have an answer for things, to anyone, right that second. I can always take time to think about how I feel.
So I'm excited about thinking about how all these things seem to circle around and meet back up with each other. All the negative things have a circle and all the positive things have a circle. I wish both my daughters would come visit me, both of them, and probly only Drewy will come. It's funny, we're so close now...a long day's drive, ok day and a half.....It feels good to have gotten all this out, not sure how much sense it made, but it's kinda like when I talk out loud to the universe, I feel better.
So- Poppi wants to watch that movie "12 Years a Slave" so gotta go. Viva
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