wow been having trouble getting to this place so I can post. i can get to the website but no to being able to post. Well I looked back over my posts, and I think I was being real for myself about how I was feeling. My feelings of isolation were just at times, not constant, and the truth is I prayed my way out of hose bad feelings. Sometimes me praying is just talking out loud. trying to investigate my own pea brain. Why do I feel like this, how do I feel right now- kind of free association and I just try to talk my way thru whatever feeling comes up. Works pretty good. It appeared to me to be based in fear (of course) that I was left out, that nobody cared about me, that I was too stupid to learn the language. So I examined those feelings. No one was trying to leave me out, but every day conversations take place. And everybody here is so nice, and bend over backwards to include me. Lastly I am not stupid! I don't know if I learn language quicker or slower than anyone else, but I was feeling bad when we had been here 3-4 weeks. Takes a little longer than that to learn a language.

It's true I took Spanish lessons from a tutor for about 2 years, maybe longer, and the truth is I learned alot from Pedro. And as I learn more here every day the things he taught me come back, or help me to grasp concepts. Ha ha when I was a little kid I loved I Love Lucy. I thought their lives were perfect. she was always getting into mischief with Ethel & Ricky would get mad, then they were so in love and they had this tiny apartment and yet they were so happy. I wanted to grow up and marry Ricky Ricardo! My sister Karen said when I married Everardo- you finally married Ricky Ricardo! So maybe I've been heading here all my life. It certainly feels right.

And I'm learning so much about myself as I try to navigate this new culture. Mexico time is real. Everything takes a long time. Everything is posible. Nothing is a big deal. Conversation before and after business works. So I am trying to learn patience. Trying to let go of my huge ego that thinks I know everything. Like teaching English to little kids- ha ha they are on summer vacation, they are little kids, they have no one to practice with except each other- their families don't speak English. They come and try, but it's only in their little heads for the hour they sit with me. I need to let go of feeling a bunch of things- a failure cause they are not learning much, that I'm a bad teacher (even tho' I've never been a teacher before), that I am not accomplishing anything. BUT it's not true. This is not about me, it's about them. They are actually leaning a little- getting pretty good with the colors. But SO WHAT! They are little kids, who's parents want them to learn- it's not a bog deal to them. So I am here to be of whatever service they need. Some might decide they really want to learn and I'll be happy to help. I got a couple of new ones yesterday & today so maybe other kids will come. It is whatever it is. I need to accept that.

It's kind of laughable what I thought before I came. I thought I was being selfless, but I guess my ego was right in there pitching...my idea was to teach them for free, I know the people here are very poor- I mean really really poor, so I would do it for free & that would help make us a part of the community. But we are a part of the community. It helps alot that hubby is Mexican and can communicate alot better than me (however I will catch up soon enough and everyone will get to know me better too). But I think a part of me saw myself as this big helper...kinda not clear in my head, but the fact that it's not going the way I thought it would/should tells me that I saw myself "bigger" and that's ego. The really cool thing is- right here right now this minute I feel better! I realize that the awareness is huge. I've been hinting around to myself about this, this is kinda how I pray, talking it thru out loud and now I'm writing to think it through. And I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, giving what I have. And ha ha so what if I teach the same thing every class. But I also try to throw in something new, too. Everardo said I should stop saying what is your name, what day is it? But if they can't answer it, then they didn't learn it yet, not even by repetition, so I will keep asking those questions until they get it, but always bring something new too. And I noticed today that it was easier to talk to them in Spanish, too. So I'm learning right along with them!

The ocean has been a little rough last couple of days so we have stayed out of it. Big lightening and thunder storms the last two nites, and last nite I think it rained all nite. But no rain in the daytime still. Man if this nite time rain gives enough water, then I am all in favor of it. But I'm sure if that's true.
Yesterday we talked to Chela's sister and niece from Oaxaca, they are here visiting. I chatted with the pretty good. I asked them about how far from there to Guatemala, cause we want to visit Guatemala some time. They didn't know but they were a 12 hour drive from here. And Chela told me whenever we go to, or through Oaxaca we will stay at her sister's. That was very nice, and the cool thing is I know she means it. Family is very important in Mexico, and Chela and I have decided we are sisters!

Got the maps back up on the walls yesterday. With the new paint the double sided sticky tape doesn't work anymore so Everado had to drill into the wall, then insert these tubes that you put the screws into. So putting stuff on the walls is not that easy. For the balance of stuff, pictures, etc., I'm gonna try to decide all the spots before I ask him so it's not onesy twosey...

My daughter is going to be 27 on Tuesday, God 27! I remember when she was born. And I remember me at 27. she is so more evolved than I was at that agthe truth is I prayed my way out of hose bad feelings. Sometimes me praying is just talking out loud. trying to investigate my own pea brain. Why do I feel like this, how do I feel right now- kind of free association and I just try to talk my way thru whatever feeling comes up. Works pretty good. It appeared to me to be based in fear (of course) that I was left out, that nobody cared about me, that I was too stupid to learn the language. So I examined those feelings. No one was trying to leave me out, but every day conversations take place. And everybody here is so nice, and bend over backwards to include me. Lastly I am not stupid! I don't know if I learn language quicker or slower than anyone else, but I was feeling bad when we had been here 3-4 weeks. Takes a little longer than that to learn a language.

It's true I took Spanish lessons from a tutor for about 2 years, maybe longer, and the truth is I learned alot from Pedro. And as I learn more here every day the things he taught me come back, or help me to grasp concepts. Ha ha when I was a little kid I loved I Love Lucy. I tho on the beach or in a hammock, swim drink & tan- that could be a fun vacation, but no shopping, nite clubs, fancy restaurants, etc. ha ha. She did go on a trip with me once where my friend's church gets this group together on Easter vacation week, we drove down to Tijuana, then out to Rosarita I think, and we helped build 2 houses for people who had no home. So that's a little more extreme than we are here- so basically she's seen both ends of the spectrum but not sure she's spent any time in the middle. Anyway I miss them both so much. They are the only thing I regret for moving. I know Drewy understands I guess cause she's older, that in reality life is short, and you need to go for it. I probly said this before but after having cancer I realized that I don't want to wish I would have done things- like move to Mexico! But uh oh I'm gettin' sad so enough - they love me and know I love them and will come to see me soon! (ha ha the I'll start working on getting them to move here ha ha)

Somebody is honking outside, selling something. It's so cool, they sell along the road, driving or walking, ice cream, chairs, clothes, bread, enchiladas, eggs, kitchen utensils, if you wait long enough somebody is selling what you need. The girl in town who does nails (woman I guess- she's in her 20's), will come to your house. Th other day Everardo saw her next door so I walked over and got a $5 pedicure (50 pesos). I went in the ocean that day and the next 3 days, and it still looks perfect. The lady who made me 2 shirts, embroidered Mexican style should come by today with them completed. She was supposed to come last Friday but we were in and out so we probly missed her. Well I want to see what the honking person has on their way back down the road.....