Can your life change in one minute? When you receive an email or a phone call? Does it change right then or do you just remember it as the first thing that happened? And if it turns out to be nothing, you don't remember it at all. I remember when I got the call that they wanted me to come into the doctor's because of something in my mammogram. I was in Las Vegas. It was my first and only trip there. I was going with my ex husband and my younger daughter. He and I were simply going as friends and had been headed to Cabo San Lucas for a week. But when we got to the airport, our daughter's passport was going to expire in a week or two and you can't go if it's expiring in 6 months- well not sure the requirement for Mexico- but I would guess it's an across the board regulation. It was 6am and we're standing at the airport so we asked where else we could go for the price we had paid. Florida was alot more, and so was Hawaii, so we ended up with Las Vegas.
It was fun, we took a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon- but oh yeah all 3 of us got airsick. We rented a cabana poolside for a day and that was nice but sooo crowded. Didn't spend too much time in the casinos since Halla was only 15...anyway I checked my voicemail cause I had been job hunting, and heard the msg about my mammogram. It was at least 2 weeks before I heard another voice over the phone telling me I had cancer, but when I think of the whole thing, I always think of Las Vegas. Yeah no desire to ever visit there again.
Yesterday afternoon I received an email from my doctor saying next time I was up there (northern Calif) I should get this procedure we talked about...he put it that it was the one we discussed but it interfered with my travel plans. HA That's not quite how I remember it. I said I'd stay if I needed to, and he said everything was fine after a small procedure cutting out a little polyp in my uterus. Anyway this email said "next time". I wrote back and said next time would be in a year, and did I need it sooner. (I swear when I left he simply said we'll check it again next year.) So I receive an email reply after 11pm last nite (Friday nite) and he says I need to get it as soon as possible to make sure none of the cells in my uterus are CANCER! Ok he actually said...to be sure the all cells in my uterus were benign....ok that means to be sure they are not malignant- which is cancer. Ok yes the panic set in. Didn't sleep to good last nite.
I just finished a huge thing with Kaiser about my bill, my coverage, yadda yadda yadda, and actually filed a grievance for the last portion of some labs they read and are charging me $990 for reading them. Hmmm could this sudden need for this procedure be their way of saying- oh see you needed those labs? God I hope not. And the truth is now I'm scared. The procedure is called a hysteroscopy. I googled it to see what it entails, what it determines, and how common it is. Maybe I can have it done here in Mexico. But after sitting with it last nite and now all morning, I'll probly go to the states. Yes when I hear CANCER I'm afraid. I called member services to find out how much it will cost me, and since I've already paid out the a** this year for this "simple polyup removal", I'll probly only have to finish off my deductible- about $2500- but SHIT! That's almost my property tax. And if wasn't the CANCER word, I'd probly do it here for sure. Everardo was gonna stop by the doctor we like that had previously told him about cancer treatment in Mexico, and see what he thinks. I emailed my doctor and asked him for a telephone appt, but it came back and said his office hours are Tue-Fri, so not sure when that will be. They also have a cost estimator group that member services said I could get better info from than her, but they are not in on wknds either. Would have been nice to start all this on Monday, eh?
During the nite my head when crazy, I went up there, had the procedure, have cancer, needed treatment, had to move back to the states, where to live? Now we have 2 dogs, not too much income...other things, and believe me I went thru ALL those other things. Then this morning I had an argument with my younger daughter in FB chat (real personal right), and during it tried to tell her about it, I wanted to talk to someone about my fear, but she said I was just trying to make her feel bad. Ha ha yeah she's 20 all right. So I didn't say anything else about it to her. My older daughter is on a house boat for the wknd so I don't want to tell her and worry her. Hubby was wonderful this morning and is getting the info from that doctor here, and telling me don't worry, and- hey you'll get whatever tests or procedure you need and you'll do it where you feel comfortable. I have a feeling he'll come home early today, and I have kept busy googling all this stuff.
I know my fear is unreasonable, but it's still my fear. I was so surprised when they told me I had breast cancer, that was in 2009, and every year I worry when it's time for my mammogram, but this year not so much. Ha ha- so now I get to worry some more. I know I know. Worry and fear doesn't make it so or not so. In fact I believe that negative energy can make you sick. So I'm trying to get it out here. I don't want to have cancer again. I don't want to die young. My dad died of cancer at 59. I'm 56. The type of cancer he had is survivable now, but not back then. And my younger sister told me that our mom had polyups in her uterus as well and hers wasn't cancer. She lived to the ripe old age of 87...really just 3 weeks shy of 88...and I believe I am strong. But the truth is cancer fucked with my head, I was afraid, depressed, did I say afraid? Well we will just put one foot in front of the other, if life is gonna throw us lemons, then lemonade it is!
Lucky for me I believe in the power of prayer, even if it's just sending positive energy out into the universe. Right now I am praying for serenity- there's no point in worrying over something that may or may not be anything. But easier said than done. So praying helps. So I guess my life can change in one minute, but only if I let it. (of course a phone call telling me we won the lottery would change my life in one minute and I'd probly go with the flow on that one) Viva.
It was fun, we took a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon- but oh yeah all 3 of us got airsick. We rented a cabana poolside for a day and that was nice but sooo crowded. Didn't spend too much time in the casinos since Halla was only 15...anyway I checked my voicemail cause I had been job hunting, and heard the msg about my mammogram. It was at least 2 weeks before I heard another voice over the phone telling me I had cancer, but when I think of the whole thing, I always think of Las Vegas. Yeah no desire to ever visit there again.
Yesterday afternoon I received an email from my doctor saying next time I was up there (northern Calif) I should get this procedure we talked about...he put it that it was the one we discussed but it interfered with my travel plans. HA That's not quite how I remember it. I said I'd stay if I needed to, and he said everything was fine after a small procedure cutting out a little polyp in my uterus. Anyway this email said "next time". I wrote back and said next time would be in a year, and did I need it sooner. (I swear when I left he simply said we'll check it again next year.) So I receive an email reply after 11pm last nite (Friday nite) and he says I need to get it as soon as possible to make sure none of the cells in my uterus are CANCER! Ok he actually said...to be sure the all cells in my uterus were benign....ok that means to be sure they are not malignant- which is cancer. Ok yes the panic set in. Didn't sleep to good last nite.
I just finished a huge thing with Kaiser about my bill, my coverage, yadda yadda yadda, and actually filed a grievance for the last portion of some labs they read and are charging me $990 for reading them. Hmmm could this sudden need for this procedure be their way of saying- oh see you needed those labs? God I hope not. And the truth is now I'm scared. The procedure is called a hysteroscopy. I googled it to see what it entails, what it determines, and how common it is. Maybe I can have it done here in Mexico. But after sitting with it last nite and now all morning, I'll probly go to the states. Yes when I hear CANCER I'm afraid. I called member services to find out how much it will cost me, and since I've already paid out the a** this year for this "simple polyup removal", I'll probly only have to finish off my deductible- about $2500- but SHIT! That's almost my property tax. And if wasn't the CANCER word, I'd probly do it here for sure. Everardo was gonna stop by the doctor we like that had previously told him about cancer treatment in Mexico, and see what he thinks. I emailed my doctor and asked him for a telephone appt, but it came back and said his office hours are Tue-Fri, so not sure when that will be. They also have a cost estimator group that member services said I could get better info from than her, but they are not in on wknds either. Would have been nice to start all this on Monday, eh?
During the nite my head when crazy, I went up there, had the procedure, have cancer, needed treatment, had to move back to the states, where to live? Now we have 2 dogs, not too much income...other things, and believe me I went thru ALL those other things. Then this morning I had an argument with my younger daughter in FB chat (real personal right), and during it tried to tell her about it, I wanted to talk to someone about my fear, but she said I was just trying to make her feel bad. Ha ha yeah she's 20 all right. So I didn't say anything else about it to her. My older daughter is on a house boat for the wknd so I don't want to tell her and worry her. Hubby was wonderful this morning and is getting the info from that doctor here, and telling me don't worry, and- hey you'll get whatever tests or procedure you need and you'll do it where you feel comfortable. I have a feeling he'll come home early today, and I have kept busy googling all this stuff.
I know my fear is unreasonable, but it's still my fear. I was so surprised when they told me I had breast cancer, that was in 2009, and every year I worry when it's time for my mammogram, but this year not so much. Ha ha- so now I get to worry some more. I know I know. Worry and fear doesn't make it so or not so. In fact I believe that negative energy can make you sick. So I'm trying to get it out here. I don't want to have cancer again. I don't want to die young. My dad died of cancer at 59. I'm 56. The type of cancer he had is survivable now, but not back then. And my younger sister told me that our mom had polyups in her uterus as well and hers wasn't cancer. She lived to the ripe old age of 87...really just 3 weeks shy of 88...and I believe I am strong. But the truth is cancer fucked with my head, I was afraid, depressed, did I say afraid? Well we will just put one foot in front of the other, if life is gonna throw us lemons, then lemonade it is!
Lucky for me I believe in the power of prayer, even if it's just sending positive energy out into the universe. Right now I am praying for serenity- there's no point in worrying over something that may or may not be anything. But easier said than done. So praying helps. So I guess my life can change in one minute, but only if I let it. (of course a phone call telling me we won the lottery would change my life in one minute and I'd probly go with the flow on that one) Viva.
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