Zipped past my birthday and heading for Christmas. Man it's cold at nite in this little trailer. Yesterday we moved the bed to the opposite wall - an inside wall in an attempt to escape some of the cold nite air I think sneaks thru the window pane and the paper thin wall. I think it was a little warmer, but now we sleep in thermals and/or sweats. A hooded sweatshirt for sure and snuggle way down inside the covers. And this is the beginning of winter ha ha. We may have to buy a small propane tank for the little heater we bought in Penasco for the same reason. We would run it for a couple of hours at nite & then turn it off when we went to bed. You can't run it all nite for a couple of reasons- one is that the propane would run out in less than 3 days, the other is we would asphyxiate it it ran all nite. Anyway my birthday was nice...flowers, a massage and bbq'd ribs. The bbq was a big deal because we haven't bbq'd anything since....maybe since we came to Mexico! A friend moved at the end of November and gave us a little bbq...so the ribs for my birthday was the first attempt...and man oh man they were soooo good! Both daughters sang happy birthday to me, and I got an email from both my brother and his wife and a phone call from my big sister the day before- so yeah as birthdays go it was A1!
We put up our Christmas tree and I set up the manger scene I got from my mom. I love unwrapping each piece and putting them out. I loved watching my mom do it when we were kids, up high on the top of the piano....and then pointing out the familiar figures. A few years ago when I visited my sister and brother in law in Paris I saw pieces of the set in a store window; the pieces come from France. I don't know if there are any pieces to add but I could replace if I needed to; I looked them up online and found a place I can order from. When my girls were little we'd go to Grandma's and look at it, and point out the robber, the guy with the bear...how tiny the little chickens were...we'd talk about it. Then back when my mom had to move into assisted living, she passed the set to me. I am so blessed to be the kid who got to take it.....and my younger daughter was still pretty young and in awe just as I was to unwrap and set up the scene. Drew, my older daughter loved it as well. It's a Christmas tradition that has been a part of my Christmas my entire life. I may have written last Christmas or the first year of this blog the story of how my dad brought my mom the first pieces back from France when they were first married and then added to it. If my brother or big sister read this, maybe they can clarify that for me- it must have been when they were first married, right? When Dad came home from the army? Was it in the 40's? My brother was born in 1950- was it started before you came into the picture big brother? I think when we move back to the states I will have to think about passing the set to my daughter. Will she have a baby or will it just be Danica? The truth is, if I was to pass it on anytime in the near future it would be to my older daughter. The younger one is.....well...young. Traditions, family traditions, family keepsakes/treasures are not a priority to her right now. I am trying to understand that, accept that...I guess if the older one was only 21 yrs old I wouldn't consider giving it to her either. But I know that it would mean the world to her right now. She is like me, loves family and the bits and pieces that are our memories. I know the other one will get there...growing up takes time right?
Anyway it's pretty Christmasy around here. We went to a Christmas open house last Saturday and going to another on this Saturday. I went to the states for a day for some Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and that was fun. I got Everardo 2 pairs of tennis shoes- one pair I gave him when I got home; they're for every day and he needed them. The other pair is some very fancy running shoes and they are wrapped and under the tree. He's a runner, and especially out here, you need good shoes for it. I also got him some shorts and then just a couple of little things; tools/blades for making jewelry and a special magnifying glass with a little mount to see when he's doing his jewelry thing ha ha! But that's about it- as he says- we have everything we need, and when we don't, we get it. So we don't buy a bunch of expensive stuff just to be getting it for Christmas....I'm actually going back up- maybe- this Thursday and need to get the dogs a big box of the bones I brought them back the first time...then their Christmas will be covered to ha ha. I did go online for presents for my granddaughter and her brother...and some really small silly stuff for the kids, but we decided to make donations in their names instead of buying bigger gifts. When I'm up there I plan to buy some sweaters or jackets, or maybe pajamas, not sure what actually, but to give away. There are some groups here doing it for the local school and other areas, but Everardo wants us to simply go for a drive and give the stuff away. And not tell anyone about it. Oooops I guess I'm telling here, but he means not on the local email bulletin board where I read about the other groups or telling at any functions we may attend. I'm good with that. We've already given away a trunk full of clothes and shoes from our closets; some stuff new, some slightly worn. I mean the next town over where he goes to the Spanish AA meetings has lots and lots of people who are struggling and could use a little help, so it should be no problem finding people who can make good use of a warm sweater or jacket. I will however send a message to the kids and let them know we did it in their names.
I looked back at last year in my blog to see what I was writing about. Man I was so sick at Christmas time- I had forgotten, and Everardo's brother in Coahuila passed away...we had just moved to Baja in November and were in that awful neighborhood and by this time already anxious to move somewhere else. We had just brought Hazel home; a 5lb tiny puppy and then Everardo got the news about his brother being so sick and he left...he got back Christmas Eve in the afternoon and I was already really sick. We didn't know anybody and it wasn't my favorite Christmas season ha ha. But we did get to skype with Drew and Rex and the kids and watch them open their presents Christmas morning and that was so nice. I'll have to ask her if we can do that again this year. But I also saw that I was writing about what I was trying to work on for myself....hmmm as it turns out I'm kinda working on the same stuff. I think I'm in a different place with it all, but the path continues. I wrote about spirituality, about unconditional love, about acceptance. That I had to accept the lack of relationship with my younger sister, and try to do the same with my daughter- but understand with my daughter it was a little different, and that I would continue to desire a relationship. So then I read forward some and saw that I continued to ask the universe for guidance with my daughter, and acceptance. Then in March I saw that I wrote that she wanted to communicate with me, to work on our relationship and I was so happy. And so we got closer. I think we are closer, but I still have to remember to accept her for who she is right now. She is still young- for me that translates to selfish, self centered, greedy....and she hurts my feelings. She hurts her sister's feelings as well. She doesn't return phone calls, she blows off plans, she is great for asking for something- but ask her for something...well don't expect to get it ha ha. Well not ha ha really. Month ago I asked her to help me out with a jury summons I received....luckily I got someone else to deal with it for me...she said sure and promptly forgot about it- at least as far as I know because she never went to pick it up, never contacted the person for me or anything. No big deal to her- but it was to me. I asked to get a couple of things from her dad's house when she left...oh yeah of course mom- and never bothered to do it. Same kind of behavior with her sister.
I made a huge mistake last summer that I apologized for, but realize now was really awful of me. I wrote and asked for forgiveness again but have not received an answer- and have to be ok with that. That I needed to make amends, that I needed to let go of my resentment, of my judgement because I don't want to be that kind of person. I mention it here because I did it feeling justified that I was supporting this daughter, when really it was about my ego. I had told her when she let me know she did't get along with her dad's wife, that she should move. That she needed to respect the woman no matter what, and that it was her house and as an adult, my daughter should move out if she wasn't happy there. Ok fine that was the right thing to do, and my daughter did move a month or so after we talked about it. At some point my ex husband's wife and I began to communicate on facebook msg and I told her I backed her up and it was all fine. But then something happened, after my daughter moved and the woman and I were not too nice to each other in writing. Then she wrote something that hurt my feelings...and so I wrote a horrible note to her and was very mean. I had no right to do that. No matter what. That was about my ego, not my daughter, it was about winning...a couple of days later I wrote a short msg and apologized but never heard back and we never communicated again after that. That was back in late June I think. But I was married to this man for 15 years and we remained friends so it's been over 20 years we've known each other- and I feel bad we no do not communicate at all. I see their facebook pages...yes I look cause sometimes my kids are on them. They live in the next town from my kids. And this would be the first time I don't wish him and his family Merry Christmas or Happy New Year? The girls go over there, and their dad is their dad. So I was awful and I know better. My mean words, my resentments, my judgement is now having an effect on my life that I cannot change. I'm so sorry about that! So I wrote them and apologized to her again...will they reply? I don't know and I will have to accept and respect whatever decision they make. So I talk about spirituality, acceptance, unconditional love, no judgement, and I totally feel like a hypocrite. I have to accept this. I have to accept it and move on. I mean I am glad that I apologized a couple of days after I first wrote it, but when can I get to not reacting in anger....which is usually fear?
Hmmm and this all gets mixed up in my issues with my younger daughter. I am unhappy with her because although we do talk these days, maybe a couple of times a month which is better than this time last year, and I realized that as long as I accepted she is not going to put herself out for anything, then it was all good...but I think I don't really accept it...or I forget and have expectations and then am upset when she doesn't meet them. I asked her back when she moved out, and then a couple of weeks ago, to get the Christmas decorations I gave her before we left for Mexico. I had both girls come over when we were putting Christmas away before we moved, and had them each pick out some things that were special to them, for them to start their own family traditions for Christmas, things from when they were growing up, things that maybe came from my family when I was growing up and was given by my mom and dad to start my family. They were both excited to choose and it was very touching. Well, she was still living with her dad so she took the stuff there. I want her to take it home or at least give it to her sister to keep for her. These were things from my family, our family and I want them to have them. Drew understands and said she'd push Halla to do it, but I can't keep putting Drew in that position. I asked Halla last week on the phone if she got them...of course she did not, and she said- oh I gotta hang up now. And see? If I had not been so horrible to my ex's wife, I could simply ask them to be sure and give Halla the box of decorations, instead I'm afraid she will throw them away, or they will just keep them for their own family. This hurts me. But what can I do about it, especially from down here? I have to let it all go. I will for sure ask Halla again, but when is the next time I'll talk to her? Once she knows I want something from her, or want her to take an action, she stops answering the phone when I call- well actually she rarely answers it when I call anytime. I had accepted that I would only talk to her when she wanted to, not when I wanted to, but she's my kid, I love her, so I was gonna accept this. The truth is I am mad and sad about it. I wish it mattered to her. But wishin' don't make it so.
So see, I have sooooo far to go...my spiritual path stretches endlessly in front of me as I try to embrace, to live these principles that I believe are so important for me. Acceptance, unconditional love, and freedom from judgement. Writing all this helps. I feel a little better. There was a box of things I put together right before we moved that I gave to her, things from her childhood, other things of mine I knew meant something to her...she doesn't know where that box is, either. Maybe someday she will care, maybe she'll even recover some of it. I have to realize- I gave it to her, those things are gone from me. Let go. And maybe be a little more careful of what I let go of. And the manger scene, I don't have to make a decision about it right now. Maybe when we move back I will have grandchildren who will want to come to Grandma's house to see it at Christmas for a few years before it needs to move on to the next person. Maybe my thoughts as the year ends and a new one starts will have to be along the same lines as last year. That acceptance is still the answer, that unconditional love is the way to true happiness, to be happy joyous and free. Forgiveness and to be free of resentment. I was thinking the other day about what do I believe God's will is for me? What is the universe's will for me? To be happy joyous and free. But what does that mean, for me? I think it means I must want the same for all people...because how can I truly be all those things of others are not? Hmmm now I am filled with hope..and love. This is good, I have lots to think about now...lots to strive for. Viva!
We put up our Christmas tree and I set up the manger scene I got from my mom. I love unwrapping each piece and putting them out. I loved watching my mom do it when we were kids, up high on the top of the piano....and then pointing out the familiar figures. A few years ago when I visited my sister and brother in law in Paris I saw pieces of the set in a store window; the pieces come from France. I don't know if there are any pieces to add but I could replace if I needed to; I looked them up online and found a place I can order from. When my girls were little we'd go to Grandma's and look at it, and point out the robber, the guy with the bear...how tiny the little chickens were...we'd talk about it. Then back when my mom had to move into assisted living, she passed the set to me. I am so blessed to be the kid who got to take it.....and my younger daughter was still pretty young and in awe just as I was to unwrap and set up the scene. Drew, my older daughter loved it as well. It's a Christmas tradition that has been a part of my Christmas my entire life. I may have written last Christmas or the first year of this blog the story of how my dad brought my mom the first pieces back from France when they were first married and then added to it. If my brother or big sister read this, maybe they can clarify that for me- it must have been when they were first married, right? When Dad came home from the army? Was it in the 40's? My brother was born in 1950- was it started before you came into the picture big brother? I think when we move back to the states I will have to think about passing the set to my daughter. Will she have a baby or will it just be Danica? The truth is, if I was to pass it on anytime in the near future it would be to my older daughter. The younger one is.....well...young. Traditions, family traditions, family keepsakes/treasures are not a priority to her right now. I am trying to understand that, accept that...I guess if the older one was only 21 yrs old I wouldn't consider giving it to her either. But I know that it would mean the world to her right now. She is like me, loves family and the bits and pieces that are our memories. I know the other one will get there...growing up takes time right?
Anyway it's pretty Christmasy around here. We went to a Christmas open house last Saturday and going to another on this Saturday. I went to the states for a day for some Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago and that was fun. I got Everardo 2 pairs of tennis shoes- one pair I gave him when I got home; they're for every day and he needed them. The other pair is some very fancy running shoes and they are wrapped and under the tree. He's a runner, and especially out here, you need good shoes for it. I also got him some shorts and then just a couple of little things; tools/blades for making jewelry and a special magnifying glass with a little mount to see when he's doing his jewelry thing ha ha! But that's about it- as he says- we have everything we need, and when we don't, we get it. So we don't buy a bunch of expensive stuff just to be getting it for Christmas....I'm actually going back up- maybe- this Thursday and need to get the dogs a big box of the bones I brought them back the first time...then their Christmas will be covered to ha ha. I did go online for presents for my granddaughter and her brother...and some really small silly stuff for the kids, but we decided to make donations in their names instead of buying bigger gifts. When I'm up there I plan to buy some sweaters or jackets, or maybe pajamas, not sure what actually, but to give away. There are some groups here doing it for the local school and other areas, but Everardo wants us to simply go for a drive and give the stuff away. And not tell anyone about it. Oooops I guess I'm telling here, but he means not on the local email bulletin board where I read about the other groups or telling at any functions we may attend. I'm good with that. We've already given away a trunk full of clothes and shoes from our closets; some stuff new, some slightly worn. I mean the next town over where he goes to the Spanish AA meetings has lots and lots of people who are struggling and could use a little help, so it should be no problem finding people who can make good use of a warm sweater or jacket. I will however send a message to the kids and let them know we did it in their names.
I looked back at last year in my blog to see what I was writing about. Man I was so sick at Christmas time- I had forgotten, and Everardo's brother in Coahuila passed away...we had just moved to Baja in November and were in that awful neighborhood and by this time already anxious to move somewhere else. We had just brought Hazel home; a 5lb tiny puppy and then Everardo got the news about his brother being so sick and he left...he got back Christmas Eve in the afternoon and I was already really sick. We didn't know anybody and it wasn't my favorite Christmas season ha ha. But we did get to skype with Drew and Rex and the kids and watch them open their presents Christmas morning and that was so nice. I'll have to ask her if we can do that again this year. But I also saw that I was writing about what I was trying to work on for myself....hmmm as it turns out I'm kinda working on the same stuff. I think I'm in a different place with it all, but the path continues. I wrote about spirituality, about unconditional love, about acceptance. That I had to accept the lack of relationship with my younger sister, and try to do the same with my daughter- but understand with my daughter it was a little different, and that I would continue to desire a relationship. So then I read forward some and saw that I continued to ask the universe for guidance with my daughter, and acceptance. Then in March I saw that I wrote that she wanted to communicate with me, to work on our relationship and I was so happy. And so we got closer. I think we are closer, but I still have to remember to accept her for who she is right now. She is still young- for me that translates to selfish, self centered, greedy....and she hurts my feelings. She hurts her sister's feelings as well. She doesn't return phone calls, she blows off plans, she is great for asking for something- but ask her for something...well don't expect to get it ha ha. Well not ha ha really. Month ago I asked her to help me out with a jury summons I received....luckily I got someone else to deal with it for me...she said sure and promptly forgot about it- at least as far as I know because she never went to pick it up, never contacted the person for me or anything. No big deal to her- but it was to me. I asked to get a couple of things from her dad's house when she left...oh yeah of course mom- and never bothered to do it. Same kind of behavior with her sister.
I made a huge mistake last summer that I apologized for, but realize now was really awful of me. I wrote and asked for forgiveness again but have not received an answer- and have to be ok with that. That I needed to make amends, that I needed to let go of my resentment, of my judgement because I don't want to be that kind of person. I mention it here because I did it feeling justified that I was supporting this daughter, when really it was about my ego. I had told her when she let me know she did't get along with her dad's wife, that she should move. That she needed to respect the woman no matter what, and that it was her house and as an adult, my daughter should move out if she wasn't happy there. Ok fine that was the right thing to do, and my daughter did move a month or so after we talked about it. At some point my ex husband's wife and I began to communicate on facebook msg and I told her I backed her up and it was all fine. But then something happened, after my daughter moved and the woman and I were not too nice to each other in writing. Then she wrote something that hurt my feelings...and so I wrote a horrible note to her and was very mean. I had no right to do that. No matter what. That was about my ego, not my daughter, it was about winning...a couple of days later I wrote a short msg and apologized but never heard back and we never communicated again after that. That was back in late June I think. But I was married to this man for 15 years and we remained friends so it's been over 20 years we've known each other- and I feel bad we no do not communicate at all. I see their facebook pages...yes I look cause sometimes my kids are on them. They live in the next town from my kids. And this would be the first time I don't wish him and his family Merry Christmas or Happy New Year? The girls go over there, and their dad is their dad. So I was awful and I know better. My mean words, my resentments, my judgement is now having an effect on my life that I cannot change. I'm so sorry about that! So I wrote them and apologized to her again...will they reply? I don't know and I will have to accept and respect whatever decision they make. So I talk about spirituality, acceptance, unconditional love, no judgement, and I totally feel like a hypocrite. I have to accept this. I have to accept it and move on. I mean I am glad that I apologized a couple of days after I first wrote it, but when can I get to not reacting in anger....which is usually fear?
Hmmm and this all gets mixed up in my issues with my younger daughter. I am unhappy with her because although we do talk these days, maybe a couple of times a month which is better than this time last year, and I realized that as long as I accepted she is not going to put herself out for anything, then it was all good...but I think I don't really accept it...or I forget and have expectations and then am upset when she doesn't meet them. I asked her back when she moved out, and then a couple of weeks ago, to get the Christmas decorations I gave her before we left for Mexico. I had both girls come over when we were putting Christmas away before we moved, and had them each pick out some things that were special to them, for them to start their own family traditions for Christmas, things from when they were growing up, things that maybe came from my family when I was growing up and was given by my mom and dad to start my family. They were both excited to choose and it was very touching. Well, she was still living with her dad so she took the stuff there. I want her to take it home or at least give it to her sister to keep for her. These were things from my family, our family and I want them to have them. Drew understands and said she'd push Halla to do it, but I can't keep putting Drew in that position. I asked Halla last week on the phone if she got them...of course she did not, and she said- oh I gotta hang up now. And see? If I had not been so horrible to my ex's wife, I could simply ask them to be sure and give Halla the box of decorations, instead I'm afraid she will throw them away, or they will just keep them for their own family. This hurts me. But what can I do about it, especially from down here? I have to let it all go. I will for sure ask Halla again, but when is the next time I'll talk to her? Once she knows I want something from her, or want her to take an action, she stops answering the phone when I call- well actually she rarely answers it when I call anytime. I had accepted that I would only talk to her when she wanted to, not when I wanted to, but she's my kid, I love her, so I was gonna accept this. The truth is I am mad and sad about it. I wish it mattered to her. But wishin' don't make it so.
So see, I have sooooo far to go...my spiritual path stretches endlessly in front of me as I try to embrace, to live these principles that I believe are so important for me. Acceptance, unconditional love, and freedom from judgement. Writing all this helps. I feel a little better. There was a box of things I put together right before we moved that I gave to her, things from her childhood, other things of mine I knew meant something to her...she doesn't know where that box is, either. Maybe someday she will care, maybe she'll even recover some of it. I have to realize- I gave it to her, those things are gone from me. Let go. And maybe be a little more careful of what I let go of. And the manger scene, I don't have to make a decision about it right now. Maybe when we move back I will have grandchildren who will want to come to Grandma's house to see it at Christmas for a few years before it needs to move on to the next person. Maybe my thoughts as the year ends and a new one starts will have to be along the same lines as last year. That acceptance is still the answer, that unconditional love is the way to true happiness, to be happy joyous and free. Forgiveness and to be free of resentment. I was thinking the other day about what do I believe God's will is for me? What is the universe's will for me? To be happy joyous and free. But what does that mean, for me? I think it means I must want the same for all people...because how can I truly be all those things of others are not? Hmmm now I am filled with hope..and love. This is good, I have lots to think about now...lots to strive for. Viva!
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